Home | Community | Message Board
You are not signed in.
Sign In New Account
Forum Index Search Posts Trusted Vendors Highlights Galleries FAQ User List Chat Store Random Growery


This site includes paid links. Please support our sponsors.

General Interest > Philosophy, Sociology & Psychology
Threaded Mode Threaded  Previous topic Previous  View all topics Index  Next topic Next 

Welcome to the Shroomery Message Board! You are experiencing a small sample of what the site has to offer. Please login or register to post messages and view our exclusive members-only content. You'll gain access to additional forums, file attachments, board customizations, encrypted private messages, and much more!

Shop: Sporeworks.EU Spores for European Microscopy   North Spore North Spore Mushroom Grow Kits & Cultivation Supplies   MagicBag.co Certified Organic All-In-One Grow Bags by Magic Bag   Original Sensible Seeds Bulk Cannabis Seeds

Jump to first unread post Pages: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 |
My Existential Crisis * 3
    #22070034 -


Two years ago I was very ill and thought I had cancer. At first I was very scared, but I made peace with it. It turned out to be ulcerative colitis which is no picnic, but I made it through. The terror and loss I am feeling now is 100 times worse than when I was facing physical death (or thought I might be)!

A dozen years ago, I had an extremely painful break-up when my gf's daughter died. I vowed never to let anyone get close to me again.

A month ago while I was in California 300 miles away from home, a woman at a community fourth of July picnic "telepathically" begged me to talk to her. At first I resisted, then I introduced myself. It was an instant connection. The next day we met for dinner and took a long walk arm-arm like longtime lovers. While I was attracted to her it was not like sexual chemistry played a significant role as our shared affection was minimal, but extremely powerful. We never even kissed nor did I get aroused though her body was a solid 9.

When I got home the next day, something inside me exploded, like a dam breaking or a violent thunderstorm. I felt 10 years of unexpressed emotion all at once. Then I dumped all of my past pain on her and practically asked her to marry me. Of course, she ran away frightened and refuses to communicate like any sane woman would.

Since then I have read hundreds of articles on non-attachment, getting over-your ex dating topics, overcoming grief and even went to two counseling sessions. The counselor said I was merely projected unfulfilled desires onto some random stranger. Possible, but it certainly feels like more. I have bedded 5 women since my break-up with zero attachment, so it cannot just be a woman's touch and affection, can it?

My buddies all say to go out and date or at least get laid. I have no interest whatsoever.

I cry practically all day long and there seems no end in sight. Everything is dull and tasteless and I am not sure if I can cope much longer there is such a gaping hole inside me.

In my life I have had a dozen relationships, maybe four serious ones, and have slept with maybe 50 women. Nothing like this has ever happened. Not even close!

I was meditating tonight and it hit me. For the first time in 60 years, being with her felt like home. There was a comfort and peace previously unknown.

I know that losing your center and giving your power away to another is an extremely weak and unbalanced position. I try to let go, but a few things nag at me mercilessly. I am short, old, thick around the middle and going bald. Not things that bother me, but my mere appearance is certainly not going to attract a super-fit 38 year old woman. She picked me out of a crowd of 100 people. Now why would she do that? Why would the mere touch of her hand unlock my heart so wide that I exploded emotionally? Key meet lock...

The connection I felt was stronger than with any longtime live-in girlfriend, even my fiancé from 30 years ago. I never before told anyone that I loved them without knowing them for months and sometimes years - and certainly not without having bedded them. Is there really such a thing as a soul-mate? It sure felt like that despite my numerous threads ridiculing the idea.

I am completely lost. There is nowhere to hide from the pain and my attempts to break through and grok this most difficult lesson are not working.

The only "plan" I have is to meditate daily and drop 25-30 pounds (down 10 so far) and do other things to clean up my life so that I am better prepared and more balanced in the future. Then attempt to re-contact her in 3-6 months.

Sometimes I workout like a madman to blow off the energy; other times I am so weak I can barely function.

In the meantime I am literally dying on the inside.

Fuck. Fuck! Fuck!!!


Please folks, no fortune cookie wisdom. I need real insight in how to get through this. Even mystic-heads are welcome as I cannot believe this is ordinary puppy love at this stage in my life. I told the woman that I saw The Perfection behind the imperfection. OC goes all New Agey. :flowstone:


--------------------

Edited by OrgoneConclusion (11/02/15 11:27 AM)

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Re: My Existential Crisis [Re: OrgoneConclusion]
    #22070071 -

I get that making your joy or pain predicated on the approval or rejection from another is a recipe for disaster - at least I get that intellectually.

I am not sure if tripping in this fragile state would be a good idea or if it would let me peer deeper.


--------------------

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Re: My Existential Crisis [Re: OrgoneConclusion]
    #22070089 -

all I have to say OP is yikes... don't really have any insight because i've nver been close to any of this... all I can say is good luck...


--------------------
"Remember, kids, the difference between science and screwing around is writing it down" -adam savage
Flowchart for Recommended plan of action.
Learn the tried and true way to grow mushrooms
Use the Damn search engine
After you know what you're doing, take a break 
Pick a book, Make some chips!
Josex said:Don't take the site seriously bro, ain't worth it.
 

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Re: My Existential Crisis [Re: tryptkaloids]
    #22070124 -

ahaha sometimes fortune cookie wisdom isn't so bad. I'm saying that because I came here to say that sometimes the harder you try the harder things get. It's like being in a spiders web, struggle and you tangle yourself more.


--------------------
Love.

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Re: My Existential Crisis [Re: OrgoneConclusion]
    #22070128 -

Keep your head up and pray to the almighty Time.  You got high as fuck and now you're coming down.  Back in the mud like the rest of us :gooby:

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Re: My Existential Crisis [Re: Hobozen]
    #22070140 -

My male friends cannot believe me when I tell them that walking with her along the duck pond holding hands was far better than the hottest sex I ever had.

I would not believe it myself if someone else had told me that.


--------------------

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Re: My Existential Crisis [Re: OrgoneConclusion]
    #22070146 -

It is surreal.  I felt it with one of the few girlfriends I've had.  It's like a waking dream.  I still crave it to this day, and it's been almost 10 years.

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Re: My Existential Crisis [Re: Hobozen]
    #22070154 -

I know how you felt in that moment with her OC, my first night with my wife was like that. I couldn't understand why, for the first time ever, I wanted to just give her a hug without any thoughts as to sex or sexual attraction.

I had known her for about 14 years before that night, and we had felt something when we used to hang out and smoke together. Something so strong in fact, that she ran away frightened, and then proceeded to make and break half a dozen arrangements to meet up, only as friends (in my mind at least).

I proceeded to then tell her that I was done with trying to arrange a meet up only to have her blow me off each time. Months later, we shared a few emails, and I decided that I was just gonna turn up on her doorstep, whether she liked it or not. Well, that was the night I mentioned at the beginning of this message. Once I managed to get the words out that I just wanted to hug her, it was all fireworks and all that stereotypical romance stuff.

I guess the message is, don't give up. I managed to scare the love of my life away for years, and I still got her in the end. Persistence paid off.

Good luck man.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Re: My Existential Crisis [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #22070166 -

Thanks, JSB.

Sorry to hear of your current crisis. You are also in an unenviable tough spot with the decisions you must make.

Perhaps for the first time I know real compassion.


--------------------

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Re: My Existential Crisis [Re: OrgoneConclusion]
    #22070181 -

Yeah, being all head over heals'll do that to ya. In fact I would go so far as to say you'll never be the same after it. Compassion seems to be the main focus of my entire existence right now. I certainly didn't see that coming.

I've had roughly the same number of serious relationships as you, and none of them touched in a way that is even remotely close to the relationship I have with my wife. That being at home for the first time feeling? Yup, that's it right there.

I guess that's why I'm in a crisis. I would have walked away in a shot with any other relationship if I had to go through even a fraction of this stuff. But it my heart of hearts I know I must bear out the difficulties, and I know that the reward will be something more amazing than I could ever have dreamed of.

Thanks for the kind thoughts man, right back at ya.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Re: My Existential Crisis [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #22070199 -

I have always been a selfish bastard. The though that keeps running through my mind is that I love this woman more than my own life, and that is not mere hyperbole.

When I tell my guys friends they all say that she must be smoking hot.

I used to do fashion photography with the sexiest women on the west coast, and this lady, while super fit, has a very ordinary and angry face as she has her own demons; yet for the first time ever I saw past all of that.

GL in sorting your situation out. :hug:

I lived with a cheating, alcoholic girlfriend, and that was a total fucking mess. We were together for three years and I never told her I loved her. Convenience and sex was all. I tried, but failed to help her. She blamed me for her drinking, though she was before me, and still is, 16 years later, a major alcoholic. :ohwell:


--------------------

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Re: My Existential Crisis [Re: OrgoneConclusion] * 1
    #22070206 -

Take a trip to a festival and eat some shrooms.  If there's one thing that compares to that feeling, it's eating a bunch of shrooms at a festival.

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Re: My Existential Crisis [Re: OrgoneConclusion]
    #22070211 -

Man, so much of what you say resonates with me. Caring about someone else's more than your own life. Seeing past the thin veil of outward beauty. Letting yourself be vulnerable like never before. Feelings of telepathy with another human. etc, etc.

Interestingly, I think my own challenge in my relationship is to stop trying to help; something that I have been trying, and failing to do for the past year and a half. It seems I have to learn to be more selfish. She's on her own in regards to fixing her issues now, but I'll be waiting for her when she comes through it.

I think what we can probably both say that based on the experiences we've been sharing tonight, almost any hardship is worth it.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Re: My Existential Crisis [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #22070221 -

*


--------------------

Edited by OrgoneConclusion (11/03/15 12:14 AM)

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Re: My Existential Crisis [Re: OrgoneConclusion]
    #22070250 -

Listen to the wall :thumbup: Won't find any answers, really, but great album. I could be reading you wrong, but it helped me with coming to terms(still sorta am XD) with a break up with someone whom i thought was perfect
Sending postive vibrations your way though :sunny:

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Re: My Existential Crisis [Re: Originofsymmmetry]
    #22070257 -

That is the thing: she is/was far from perfect. Without getting too corny, I saw The Divine in her. :levitate:

I am sure it is within everyone, but I never before witnessed that.


--------------------

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Re: My Existential Crisis [Re: OrgoneConclusion]
    #22070284 -

I'm only 18, you've tons more experience than I haha
But I had(have?) a "soul-mate" not long ago. I've been asking the same question is there such thing as a soul mate, etc.
I still live with her lmao
But from what you're saying, it sounds exactly like my experience i had with this one girl. Our relationship transcended sex, we were best friends, we had a deep,deep connection, we felt at home in our hearts.
Then she broke up with me.
So, I think after that, all the time up till now, I don't believe there is a perfect girl out there for anyone, someone meant to be with you. I think we grow these types of relationships, or we find them.
I dated a girl after we broke up, super cute, smart, butt etc. But i just could not make the connection I made with my ex, I tried so hard XD She just wasn't as open as I was, or we just didn't really go well together.
anyways, I think you'll find someone with an open heart and will want to share a bond with you like you felt with that one girl.
Not that it will erase the memory, but the show must go on :smile::thumbup:

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Re: My Existential Crisis [Re: Originofsymmmetry]
    #22070294 -

In some ways I was far wiser when I was younger - at least less cynical and more optimistic and had grander dreams.

It is funny, but though I may seem old to you, I am still a young man inside. (This thread itself says that I an emotional child.) That may never change even as the body entropies. Delusion or ageless spirit? Who knows?


--------------------

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Re: My Existential Crisis [Re: OrgoneConclusion]
    #22070306 -

Not delusion XD you've got a heart and you're not afraid to use it :thumbup:
Do you play music or express yourself in any sort of fashion? Or do you have any occupations that aren't jobs?
Only ask cuz art really helps with this type of shit; anything actually

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Re: My Existential Crisis [Re: Originofsymmmetry]
    #22070312 -
Log in to view attachment

http://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/22067135


--------------------

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Jump to top Pages: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 |

Shop: Sporeworks.EU Spores for European Microscopy   North Spore North Spore Mushroom Grow Kits & Cultivation Supplies   MagicBag.co Certified Organic All-In-One Grow Bags by Magic Bag   Original Sensible Seeds Bulk Cannabis Seeds

General Interest > Philosophy, Sociology & Psychology
Threaded Mode Threaded  Previous topic Previous  View all topics Index  Next topic Next 

Similar ThreadsPosterViewsRepliesLast post
* The Answer to the Psychedelic Existential Crisis Divided_Sky 1,107 5 10/24/05 01:47 PM
by Revelation
* Existentialism, Philosophy, and Religion Just Crutches for the Weak?
( 1 2 3 4 all )		 Huehuecoyotl 6,182 62 11/29/04 02:09 PM
by Huehuecoyotl
* The Word Existential appleorange 1,340 6 02/06/08 08:08 PM
by nolongerinuse
* Do you think God experiences existential anxiety?
( 1 2 all )		 jonathanseagull 3,951 25 04/02/07 08:26 PM
by Icelander
* does existentialism support relativism or absolutism?
( 1 2 all )		 Malachi 22,843 28 07/02/03 02:43 PM
by Malachi
* Life on Mars / the Phoenix Lander nubious 1,066 18 05/28/08 01:07 AM
by makaveli8x8
* Theists and their understanding of Existentialism
( 1 2 3 all )		 Sclorch 6,510 45 10/28/02 10:56 AM
by Anonymous
* Crisis and growth Lion 929 4 12/18/06 11:31 AM
by dblaney

Extra information
You cannot start new topics / You cannot reply to topics
HTML is disabled / BBCode is enabled
Moderator: Middleman, DividedQuantum
21,626 topic views. 1 members, 82 guests and 13 web crawlers are browsing this forum.
[ Show Images Only | Sort by Score | Print Topic ]
Search this thread:

Copyright 1997-2026 Mind Media. Some rights reserved.

Generated in 0.032 seconds spending 0.004 seconds on 16 queries.