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OfflineLion
Decadent Flower Magnate
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Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 8,702
Last seen: 17 hours, 17 minutes
Crisis and growth
    #6382568 - 12/18/06 11:37 AM (15 years, 1 month ago)

Disclaimer: The following is a fictional account meant only to open up discourse:

I realize looking back that I have moved forward only through crisis.  In school I was often depressed and bombed classes I could easily have had A's in.  I was arrested in the 10th grade for smoking cannabis, then again in 11th grade for alcohol possession.  I've been in two car accidents for which I was responsible (complete zoning out for a few seconds each time, attributed by my psychiatrist to ADHD), one of them with serious consequences: life-altering injuries for the driver I hit, and a potential $250,000+ lawsuit.  I have occassionally suffered from extreme depression and social anxiety. 

My life has been a series of dialectic crises propelling me along a mysterious path.  Psychedelics have spawned in me immense growth in awareness and compassion, most often through crisis scenarios: on my second mushroom trip I experienced what I thought was Hell and Complete Isolation.  On several other I confronted the prospect of terminal illness and death, and cowered in fear.  Each psychedelic voyage I have had since, even on cannabis, is a crisis situation which eventually leads to some level of ego transcendence and open awareness; each time I grow, and each time I know that I am being propelled forward to a new and more terrifying crisis.  The path I have chosen, or that has been chosen for me, is to walk on the brink of Love and Self-Destruction.  These two forces are at war within me at all times on all levels.  Some days I am able to quiet the battle, but others it rages with overpowering intensity.

I have been allowed on my path to realize that I do not exist in the way that most people consider themselves to exist.  I have learned that Love is what drives my reality, and that Fear is nothing but Love without access to self-understanding and acceptance.  Life is Crisis.  At first, when I was told that yoga was a path of love and joy, I was eager to begin on my path because I felt it would rid me of personal crisis.  Now I see that I have always been on the path of yoga; and I see also that a path of love is, for me at least, of necessity a path of fear, for they are one and the same--the eternal duality.

Life is reality and death is reality, yet I do not fully accept the latter as such.  I realize now that only by instigating a crisis between life and death can I ever be free.  I have instigated (or had instigated by forces I do not understand) many such crises on smaller scales, and each one propels me toward a new, deeper crisis.  I am afraid, terribly afraid: sometimes I feel like my heart is rotting, my stomach is icing over slowly, I am trapped in limbo, terrified to live and terrified to die.  And I am full of love  and warmth, an inner joy made poignant by the suffering I sense within and without.  I am That.  I am the Eternal Struggle, the duality and the transcendence of duality, the love made beautiful by sorrow and the fear made unbearable by love.  I am you.  :heart:


--------------------
“Strengthened by contemplation and study,
I will not fear my passions like a coward.
My body I will give to pleasures,
to diversions that I’ve dreamed of,
to the most daring erotic desires,
to the lustful impulses of my blood, without
any fear at all, for whenever I will—
and I will have the will, strengthened
as I’ll be with contemplation and study—
at the crucial moments I’ll recover
my spirit as was before: ascetic.”


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InvisibleMoonshoe
Blue Mantis
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Registered: 05/28/04
Posts: 27,202
Loc: Iceland
Re: Crisis and growth [Re: Lion]
    #6382720 - 12/18/06 12:34 PM (15 years, 1 month ago)

I hear you

I feel you

I affirm you

I love you


--------------------


Everything I post is fiction.


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Invisibledblaney
Human Being

Registered: 10/03/04
Posts: 7,894
Loc: Here & Now
Re: Crisis and growth [Re: Lion]
    #6382795 - 12/18/06 01:11 PM (15 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

terrified to live and terrified to die




Nice! I feel like that quote essentially embodies the human condition.

Crisis scenarios, as you put it, I find can be incredible opportunities for growth, precisely because they are crises; crises for the self and ego. In each crisis, you (small mind), feel stuck and threatened, with the possibility of your selfish desires never being fulfilled, maybe even with the possibility of the death of your (illusory) self. Those are tremendous opportunities for growth, and the more you just let go and let be, in self-sacrifice, the more you will grow!

Wonderful to read about your growth man. I'll only be in town for a little less than two weeks. I still want to chill if you're ever around. Call me up or something?


--------------------
"What is in us that turns a deaf ear to the cries of human suffering?"

"Belief is a beautiful armor
But makes for the heaviest sword"
- John Mayer

Making the noise "penicillin" is no substitute for actually taking penicillin.

"This country, with its institutions, belongs to the people who inhabit it. Whenever they shall grow weary of the existing government, they can exercise their constitutional right of amending it, or their revolutionary right to dismember or overthrow it." -Abraham Lincoln


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OfflineLion
Decadent Flower Magnate
Male User Gallery

Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 8,702
Last seen: 17 hours, 17 minutes
Re: Crisis and growth [Re: dblaney]
    #6382846 - 12/18/06 01:25 PM (15 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

dblaney said:
Quote:

terrified to live and terrified to die




Nice! I feel like that quote essentially embodies the human condition.

Crisis scenarios, as you put it, I find can be incredible opportunities for growth, precisely because they are crises; crises for the self and ego. In each crisis, you (small mind), feel stuck and threatened, with the possibility of your selfish desires never being fulfilled, maybe even with the possibility of the death of your (illusory) self. Those are tremendous opportunities for growth, and the more you just let go and let be, in self-sacrifice, the more you will grow!

Wonderful to read about your growth man. I'll only be in town for a little less than two weeks. I still want to chill if you're ever around. Call me up or something?


Duuude, I have exams every day between now and Thursday and I haven't really studied. Haha, I'll give you a call on Thursday when I'm done.  :mushroom2:


--------------------
“Strengthened by contemplation and study,
I will not fear my passions like a coward.
My body I will give to pleasures,
to diversions that I’ve dreamed of,
to the most daring erotic desires,
to the lustful impulses of my blood, without
any fear at all, for whenever I will—
and I will have the will, strengthened
as I’ll be with contemplation and study—
at the crucial moments I’ll recover
my spirit as was before: ascetic.”


Extras: Filter Print Post Remind Me! Notify Moderator Top
Invisibledblaney
Human Being

Registered: 10/03/04
Posts: 7,894
Loc: Here & Now
Re: Crisis and growth [Re: Lion]
    #6382863 - 12/18/06 01:31 PM (15 years, 1 month ago)

Well damn man! Good luck with your exams... see you in a couple days.


--------------------
"What is in us that turns a deaf ear to the cries of human suffering?"

"Belief is a beautiful armor
But makes for the heaviest sword"
- John Mayer

Making the noise "penicillin" is no substitute for actually taking penicillin.

"This country, with its institutions, belongs to the people who inhabit it. Whenever they shall grow weary of the existing government, they can exercise their constitutional right of amending it, or their revolutionary right to dismember or overthrow it." -Abraham Lincoln


Extras: Filter Print Post Remind Me! Notify Moderator Top
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