Auto-SummaryThis lengthy forum post recounts the author's tumultuous life, marked by abuse, drug addiction, and a series of near-death experiences. At 16, the author started attending a Catholic high school to escape their drug-filled past. After a brief stint, they were expelled for misbehavior but eventually found their calling in Christianity. In 1984, attending a Christian retreat changed their life profoundly; they felt God's presence and heard a direct message to follow Him and love Him. This encounter led to a deep spiritual transformation, and the author became an ordained Prophet of God, starting a homeless shelter and healing people. However, they later relapsed into drug use and even started a restaurant, only to face a felony charge and a potential 30-year prison sentence. After a miraculous intervention, God forgave them, and they vowed to get back on track. Now, at 32, the author is concerned about relapsing again due to recent health issues and fears they may miss their purpose in serving God. They emphasize the importance of accepting God's plan and surrendering to His will.
I have been dealing with worry and my own mortality the past few days. It has shown though with my shortness and my quickness to say my mind. I would like to share the history of my Spirituality with you and let you understand why I feel and believe the things I do. I have heard a few of you call me a friend. Even the few that I thought for sure would have no intentions of being a friend. Sometimes humanity has many surprises to show me. Not only in others but in myself. Thank you
OK here I go
I was not raised in a home that taught the things of God. In fact I came from a very twisted home with abusive parents. I suffered poverty to the highest degree. I was forced into sexual acts with adults. I was forced into drugs at a very young age. I was put in a foster home twice. I also was slammed into a psych ward for 3 months at the age of 13 and again at 15. My child hood was whacked to say the least. I was white trash to the highest marks. 
When I was 16 I realized that I was a product of my environment and I knew that I was not anything that I was supposed to be. I knew that and wanted change. I did not have any desire to know God. In fact I was very much a person who could care less. But during my final year of high school I asked to be put into a Catholic High school because I wanted to get away from all the drug freaks in the public school. At that point I was very drugged out and knew I needed to dry out. So I payed my own way into the school. I was a good business man then too. 2 dollar joints makes a guy a ton of cash 
Anyway that only lasted 2 months as I got into trouble and the Pastor tried to punish me with physical exercises. I told him to suck my COCK. And was thrown out. So I never fin shed High school. Oh yes I just sat thru GOD classes with no intention of learning anything about God. Catechism was a Joke
So here I was 17 no diploma, no life and hated my parents. I got a job as a dishwasher and worked partime for my dad as a fabricator and welder.
During this time I meet this guy who offered me a job cutting trees. I took him up on it because it payed very well. This guy was a Christian but a very poor one if you asked me.
Anyway after working for him awhile I was invited to a retreat, a Christian retreat. I had the hots for his daughter and since she was going to be there. I was going to be there. Besides I had never been in the mountains. 
Now while at this retreat I was exposed to the things of God. I heard things I never understood and for some reason I started to understand God. On the second night I was sitting way back from the fire watching and I felt the hand of God on my shoulder. It was very real and freaked me out. I got up and looked around thinking I might be very crazy........... Sitting back down and get back to calmness. Again I feel this hand on my shoulder and then I hear a voice say. "Child do you not know what plans I have for you ? Get up and love me." Ok know I am truly freaked. Remember I am not looking for anything. I am not trying to find God. I am trying to get laid  But I know that I am hearing this shit I am not tripping. So I walk off kinda scared and continue into the darkness away from the fire. Then I ask out loud " God what do you want from me?" God answers quite plainly " I want you to follow me and love me. Pick up my Son Jesus's cross and do as I ask. I will take care of you."
You understand I was smart enough then to realize that my life was crazy enough to consider that fact I may be going nuts.
But I listen and ask "what must I do?"
God said confess that "Jesus is your Lord and leave all your past at my feet"
So I did I these things. But as soon as I said them it felt just like Warm milk was poured over my head. It flowed right thru me. Amazing
Then right there I was given the wisdom of God. I understood so many things at once. I ran to the fire and confess what just had happened. Many of the people around the fire were somewhat confused. Like they should of had something to do with it. Why weren't they included in God and his work. It was very funny in hind site. Anyway I am spewing and laughing and stuff. Then the Pastor starts crying and asks me if I was in need of the Holy Spirit. Listen this is where it gets very weird. I had no clue as to what he was talking about. But I very much remember God saying to me. "Take my spirit child". So yes.YES I WANT GOD'S HOLY SPIRIT. Give it to me.
I start speaking a language I did not know. I am not talking about some gibberish. That I have heard in many churches. Not some repeated sounds that I heard others speaking. It was a very complex language. Full of much texture/ In fact many of those around me backed up. They were freaked. I was not, not at all. I was standing in the real presence of God and knew it. I was in that place far into the dawn. Long after people went to bed. The only one that stayed up with me was the pastor. He had much to say. He told me that i was to become a very powerful Man of God. That I was a special person. God was to use me for very great things. He has but I have stooped him. I get in the way.................
I spent the next few weeks in the presence of God and felt as if I was not ever going to be knocked off. I continued to amaze the people around me with the wisdom and knowledge I now was in possession off.
I started bible study and prayer with much fever and focus.
Then I meet the Devil's weapons head on. I discovered that the Devil was not going to have any of this. I was one of his best creeps. He had spent years training me. He was not going to let his investment go so easily.
I after only 8 months started getting high and got into the most deviant sex with women you can think off. I started into Crack. I somehow managed to buy a restaurant and get more money. It was all a very interesting period in my life. I had many skills but was very lost again.
Then it happened I crashed and got locked up. I was hit with a felony charge and was looking at 30 years in prison. God found me again after a week in lock up. I asked him to help me understand why I did what I did. Why did I fall so far from him when I knew that he was real. Anyway long story short. God forgave me and told me that I was not going to spend another day in Jail. Yeah right my bail was set at 75,0000 bucks. Not only did I not spend another day in jail. I never went back. The charges were lowered.etc....... This is a very strong story I will save for another thread.
The point is God saved me. I went on to do some great things in the name of God. I became a ordained Prophet of God, Started a homeless shelter, healed a few people and some other things I can not share. Life with God Is great and very joyfull
Then at the age of 32 I again fell. But this time It was a slow fall. But not to long ago I was told by a prophet of God that unless I get it straight. God was going to test me. To allow me to know that tin fact he will not tolerate my shit any longer. That was two years ago.
Then I started to go back to the things of God but in moderation. I found the shroomery and wanted to trip again. I got some spores and started a grow. When I first picked some shrooms God came to me that night and said some stuff. I promised to get rid or it all and get myself straight with him. He and I have some work to do. So great work. So I threw it all out,,,,,,,,,,except for one spore print
This year for some reason I have been a post whore in here. Then the past few weeks I have been in S and P. getting back to the wisdom that God gave me. But I still hold on to ME I still refused to do what God had asked me....................I still have the shrooms. I promised God and keep breaking my promise
So today I find out that I am very very sick from Contaimend Jars.............. God is telling me something YES
There is a small chance I could DIE.
The fact that I have been coming in here and the fact that this problem has happened to me/ Makes me think I had better get my life finally right in the ways of God and do WHAT GOD KEEPS ASKING ME TO DO
God has a plan for me that is very large. LARGE FOR THE WORLD TO BENEFIT from it. I know this is true but I keep trying to be under my own power. I am fearful of the resposibilty adn don't really want it. That has always been the problem for me. I belive that God has given me more than I can handle. That is the lie that keeps me from the greater task God requires from me.
All god wants from me to do is release me and grab onto him.
I think it may be time to finally except the fact and get on with it.
There are many more links in this historic picture. but I felt is was the right thing to say.
The things I have done with God far out weigh the things I have done without him. It may be that this is my last chance to get the works of God finished in my life. God will use me and I will let him.
Pray for me  The devil is pissed again and will do anything to stop this from happening. He hates me and what threat I represent living for GOD.
I am in the hopes that I may be better understood here. I feel that there are great things that God will do though this Board. ALL of you are very much a part of God and his plan. The times we live in require a closeness with God that many of you do not have. Many of you are destined to be warriors of God 
I know this to be very true
--------------------
What it is, is what it is my Brother.
It is as it is, so suffer thru it.
Edited by Fucknuckle (12/06/04 08:00 PM)
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