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painful post-trip trauma ... seriously affecting me
    #4473224 -

for months i hadn't tripped, though  i rolled at electric daisy carnival a month ago ... even with such a pure roll, i found that i for the most part did not enjoy rolling anymore, and that the after-effects were way too harsh on my body and mind ... maybe a few days after the roll, i blacked out hard while 100% sober for the first time in my life, hitting a door and the floor ... i was out for a good few seconds and it took over 30 minutes for me to regain any sense of feeling ..

about two weeks ago my girlfriend and i thought it might be a good idea to try tripping again, since i feel i have made many accomplishments in my life as far as my diseases and extreme diet restriction goes ... so we bought an eighth of very potent looking mushrooms like what i used to get when i was a regular tripper ...

we split it up in my usual potent tea, and were going to drink a half eighth each ... we ended up drinking a few sips each, and the trip had already started in hard after only minutes ... my anxiety level was getting worse by the second as the trip got stronger, and the entire night's trip for both my girlfriend and i could only be described as EVIL ... i've taken many trips way beyond what i could handle, but we both drank LESS than a half eighth each, a half of it in fact ... and i still lost my mind and had a complete panic session ... i couldn't find one thing the entire night that mattered to me in a positive way, and i didn't even learn anything from these shrooms ... for the first time in my life ...

since that night, my daily anxiety and panic levels are so high i wake up and end up crying every morning, with full blown panic and horrible thoughts ... and every night i get the same panic ... it's so bad that even valium, which i never take anymore, does almost nothing ... i'm actually fearing for my mind ...

i started therapy again, but even so ... for the first time in my life i actually regret having tripped this time ... i've never regretted a trip before ... but this one HURT me, i feel like the shrooms have not left me and WANT to HURT me ... a completely irrational thought that feels completely rational to me right now ...

i'm overwhelmed by the fear this won't end ... like a bad trip where the clock doesn't change ... except i'm sober ... and that's even scarier .. i can't say to myself 'i'll be okay in a few hours' because it keeps happening, all the time, and it makes me into a manic/depressive person ... it's hurting my passion for life and my relationship, to a great degree ... i can feel it physically ripping up my insides, and i am having even consistent acid reflux from it ...

i would appreciate any input because i honestly feel like i'm completely out of reality ... i just had to say how i'm feeling ... it's freaking me out :frown:


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So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. - Galatians 5:16

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Re: painful post-trip trauma ... seriously affecting me [Re: HB]
    #4473283 -

HB,

That's sounds scary as hell.


You may have knocked your body chemistry out of whack (depleted your neurotransmitters for example).  You may need to restore yourself nutritionally.  If you are waking up crying, that sounds like you may have a chemically induced depression.  Try taking some tyrosine or phenylalanine before bed.  Start with a low dose  to see how well you tolerate it.  And make sure you are eating well.  You might also want to take a good multivitamin. 

If that doesn't work after a couple of days, the next step is scarier. You may need to . . . brace yourself . . . accept it.

Now I don't mean accept it in the sense of learning to live with something that sucks and can't be corrected.  What I mean is to stop fleeing from it.  Stop resisting it.  Whatever "it" is, it is part of you.  When you resist it, you are alienating a part of you.  Your resistance gives it life.  You need to reintegrate.

Here's what I suggest you try.  Sit down in a quiet place with no distractions.  Close your eyes.  Ignore any thoughts or mental images that come up.  Don't try and suppress them, just let them pass by like clouds in the sky.  Now focus on the feelings in your body.  Try to locate the body sensations associated with your anxiety.  Maybe it will be pressure in the chest.  Maybe tightness in the throat.  Maybe churning in the stomach.  Maybe a combination of things.  Whatever it is, find it and focus on it.  Notice if it moves.  Notice if it radiates to other parts of your body.  Notice if it wants to expand or contract.  And accept it totally.  Let it move if it wants.  Let it expand if it wants.  Don't fight it.  Don't judge it.  It might be scary because it seems like it wants to take over your whole body.  Let it.  Your resistance to it is giving it force.    Love it as part of you, accept it and let it move the way it wants.  Keep working with it that way.

I think that if you do this, you will find that the body sensations dissolve and the anxiety will go with it.
   
You will be okay.

KS :heart:


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"Who would be free themselves must strike the blow" -Lord Byron

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Re: painful post-trip trauma ... seriously affecting me [Re: HB]
    #4473286 -

All I can say is that is the exact same reason I stopped using mushrooms. I could enjoy them at one point, but now they make me feel horrible, delerious, and beside myself. It took me a good 6 months to get the negative feelings away from myself after my last trip. Oh yeah I regretted it...I introduced my gf to mushrooms and she blacked out for about 10 seconds at the tail end of the trip which to me in my mindstate was an eternity, and she was dead.

What had I done? Every time something would remind me of the trip (which was unavoidable and happened multiple times daily), I would get those same dreading, negative feelings from the trip. PTSD defined. I truly believed I was insane for a while (I still question it :wink: )...but now I have a pretty firm grasp on reality. Before, I felt entirely disconnected from everything around me, in third person, analyzing and tying together unrelated events in a manner that made things much, much worse. I have IBS and other digestive problems and of course they were exemplified x100 by my post-trip anxiety. Time will heal you, as impossible as it may seem right now...it healed me.

IME, you cannot simply "turn off" the negative thoughts thru meditation. Your brain has to relearn how to decipher real worry from imagined. I'm willing to wager my nuts that this is a chemical problem brought on by traumatic events.

Good luck bro...PM me if you have anything you'd like to ask outside this thread.


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Re: painful post-trip trauma ... seriously affecting me [Re: HB]
    #4473317 -

dude, im so sorry to hear this. i would bet its safe to say that over time (how much time exactly im not sure) you will return to normal. as im sure you know, with psycadelics the mental effects can stay with you for weeks (even longer sometimes) after the physical effects are long gone, especially with a traumatic experience like the one you just had. keep your head up bro, theres not really much more i can yell ya. this is something you gotta work out in your head. if you ever want to talk about it, or anything else for that matter....hit me up on aim.

wrrrestler az

you are a good dude.

oh, and also....

Quote:
since i feel i have made many accomplishments in my life as far as my diseases and extreme diet restriction goes


care to explain that a bit? not sure if its something i already know and forgot, or if i just never knew....


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 

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Re: painful post-trip trauma ... seriously affecting me [Re: wrestler_az]
    #4473368 -

Sorry to hear man, I to had a pretty hard trip that knocked me outline for a good month. I had a breakdown everyday it seemed like. Rough on the soul and the mind. Wish you the best.

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Re: painful post-trip trauma ... seriously affecting me [Re: lilgreenmen]
    #4473622 -

sounds like what happend to me 8-9 mounts ago, i only had like 10-20 libertycaps and ended up with the worst trip i ever exsperienced, i have allot of tripping xperience but that trip totaly broke down all and everything i was, for mounts i was sure this was the end, i am dying. The worst part is i woke up with a high pitch sound in my head that wont go away, its like somthing strange happend to my body on that tripp, now almost a year later i am mustsh better but i still have the f#?#?& sound in my head and alott of angsitey, KidShelleen has som good advise, as soon as you start acssepting your condisjon you will start to feel better, eat well sleep well and after som time you will feel better, but it will take time, but remember there are always peoples out there that have a worse time then you have...i see my exsperience as a learning for mye life, i was not respecting the psycehelia as i shold have been. i learned the hard way :frown:  but hey i am still alive :smile: so all is not lost :laugh:


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Check Out My Psychedleic Art

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Re: painful post-trip trauma ... seriously affecting me [Re: glennwiz]
    #4474135 -

I bad tripped like ten times in a row on acid and had to give up completely for about ten years. It sucks but this is nature's way of saying, "move along Guy." The good trips showed you a vision of possibilities, and the bad ones say, "but not through this door."


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...or something






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Re: painful post-trip trauma ... seriously affecting me [Re: HB]
    #4474357 -

Random blacking out? Could you be epileptic? That's not good, man.
You should really see a doctor.


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It's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain!

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Re: painful post-trip trauma ... seriously affecting me [Re: HB]
    #4474580 -

Hello, HB,

Wow, what a story.  First, BREATHE.  I know this is terrifying for you, but freaking out will only exacerbate the problem. 

Now, it's only been two weeks since you've tripped.  You obviously had a life-shattering encounter with the mushrooms.  :frown:  It's obviously been horribly rough on you.  Now it's time to heal. 

There is no quick fix for this sort of thing, as I'm sure you know.  There will have to be a gradual process of integration so that you can live a quality life.  First, please keep calm.  I doubt you are "losing your mind," but you definitely fear that.  Ask yourself why. 

The prospect of "losing our minds" has struck humanity with fascination and horror since we realized we had a mind to lose.  You sound like you have oodles of post-trip stress and this is really disturbing you. 

Clearly I am not you, so I don't know the nuances of what you are going through.  But I have had a similar trip that threw me for a mental loop, thought I was going crazy, see/hearing things, the whole bit.  So I am speaking to you now from that vantage point, from my own experience in dealing with the broken aftermath a frightening trip can leave behind. 

First, you aren't going crazy.  You are scared, and your fear is making every shadow seem like a pit of death. 

The longer you keep on "running from" what happened to you on that trip, the more it will persue you. 

If you think about madness all the time, you will draw it to you. 

How do deal with this?  Well, first congrats on seeking help for yourself in therapy.  I don't know if you can freely talk about your drug use with your therapist, but you NEED to talk about it.  You NEED to tell people what's going on with you, just like you're doing in this thread, so that we can help you. "Keeping it in" is the worst thing you can do and might inhabit your speedy recovery. 

Next thing.  Have you written a trip report about this experience?  Fully detailing every single thing that disturbed you while on the trip?  I suggest you do this right away.  Post it here or in the Trip Reports forum.  You need to come to terms with what happened to you.  You need to be honest about what happened to you. 

I totally know what you mean that "the mushrooms hurt you."  I've so been there.  I remember feeling so BETRAYED by them after my traumatic trip.  But it wasn't their fault.  How can I blame my scary trip on a chemical that I willingly ingested?  The mushroom only works with what I give it: my mind.  It was my error, a human error.  The mushrooms didn't hurt me, *I* hurt me by fighting the effects that I thought I wanted. 

Drawing the responsibility to yourself, "owning your consequence" is another way to help put this entire thing behind you.  Nobody likes to admit they were wrong.  But the truth is, you took the mushrooms.  You may HATE THEM for being in your body and making you trip.  But the responsiblity for your scary trip lies only with YOU.  The sooner you can accept responsiblity for this event, the easier healing will come. 

Claiming responsiblity puts the ball in your court again. 

It helps return some of your lost power.  What's funny is that your personal power has never left.  You've only forgotten you have it since you're confidence has been damaged. 

Okay, may I make one suggestion.  I suggest reading The Psychedelic Experience, if you haven't already, and if you have, read it again.  That book was the lifeline I needed to make sense of my crazy experience.

Another thing I can suggest is a lifestyle change.  Think of it as a different form of therapy.  Start a hobby you've always wanted to try, or go on a vacation to get away from the daily grind for awhile.  I remember how it was; when I was trip-traumatized, I was terrified of everything.  I didn't leave the house for weeks.  But this is EXACTLY what you might need. 

Finally, have some faith in yourself.  Two weeks is not that long of a time to recover from a traumatic trip.  You're doing great, man, despite what you think.  The fact that you're talking to us about it, seeking answers shows that you're already off to a great healing start.  Ride this wave.  If you want to heal from this, you'll have to work at it. 

I suggest meditation and breathing exercises for that anxiety.  The hardest part for me when I'm in an anxiety attack is remembering to do it.  When you start to feel nervous or worried or frightened, have your first response be, "breathe."  You'd be surprised how well that works. 

Buddhism may also provide a source of comfort to you. 

I've been practicing something recently that has been working for me.  I read in a book that the most powerful statement you can ever make as a sentient being is, "I am."  Try saying that a few times to yourself every day.  It is an affirment of your very being.  Who cares if you are crazy or sane if you simply are. That's the way I look at it. 

It's EARTH.  We're all crazy here.  :cool:

Relax HB...you will get through this, I *know* you will.  Give yourself some time to breathe and a chance for petes sake.  Don't rush this, or get frustrated that you're not "better."  Let it happen naturally and as long as you're propelling yourself forward, you'll probably be fine. 

If things worsen, I suggest temporary medication.  You don't deserve to live in fear.  :heart: 

good luck, keep us posted

hope I helped

*me*

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Re: painful post-trip trauma ... seriously affecting me [Re: lilgreenmen]
    #4474863 -

thanks for all the great replies, you guys, it really helps to know so many good people care ...

tonight i was going to stay home and sit around the computer but i think i'm going to make the effort to actually go out and make something special of the night ...

sorry i am not replying to anybody in particular at the moment, i am just exhausted, but i will make a point later of re-reading what everybody said and replying individually ...

thanks again guys, it honestly means a lot to me :smile:


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So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. - Galatians 5:16

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Re: painful post-trip trauma ... seriously affecting me [Re: HB]
    #4476149 -

we  :heart: you man......





i really like this pic of you and your girl :grin:


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 

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