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 shr00m
junglisT 2 thefUll3st
Registered: 05/01/03
Posts: 801
Last seen: 14 years, 5 months
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 Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms  [Re: Strumpling]
#1540323 - 05/11/03 11:06 PM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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your mind is your worse enemy. trying to tame it with mediation and shit doesnt seem right to me.
like if you are feeling down you dont cover it up with meditating. you accept what the hell has happened to you and go on. live with it and try bettering it by not always thinking about it too much.
i was really shocked when you described your family and where you are in life, etc. i am in no way saying this to offend you but you should of done some research before shrooming. and i dont think it was a great time to do them either(parents living with u and g/f leaving, etc.)
thats one of the things why i think it caused your problem. or it could be (i could be wrong) that you bottled yourself with always good memories when you knew their was bad things going around u. like you didn't want any part of badness and just always wanted happyness. you cant be happy always and trying to tame your mind to do so is bad(imo).
our brain has both good and bad memories.
just my thoughts....
(again, please read with the thought that I mean no offense at all.)
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the only constant is change~ life goes on. so theres no point in staying back because you can always catch up. try,hope, and understand!
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 FreakQlibrium
Son of Uncle Meat
 
Registered: 06/06/02
Posts: 19,058
Loc: Toronto Canada
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 Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
#1555872 - 05/17/03 08:14 AM (20 years, 6 months ago) |
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I would rather become a glowing luminosity of enlightment and kindle joy and happiness everywhere :-)...
THat you wish to become Lucid, you already ARE...it's just a matter of remembering your TRUE nature, you are NOT your depressed/negative thoughts my friend....not at all, there are many paths back home. Sometimes it's in our darkest hour that we find the one that is ours and ours alone.......i wish you luck in finding yours 
Freak
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"Being crazier than a shithouse rat is not sufficient grounds for banishment"
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FreakQlibrium
Son of Uncle Meat
Registered: 06/06/02
Posts: 19,058
Loc: Toronto Canada
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: FreakQlibrium]
#1555883 - 05/17/03 08:20 AM (20 years, 6 months ago) |
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Markos recommeded a book:"the Power of NOW" by Eckart Tolle, i'd like to 2nd that recommendation and also suggest possibly: "Communion with God" i "think" it's the 4th in the series of Neale Donald Walsh books, it deals in detail with the ten most common illusions of mankind which are interwoven and help to propagate our collective misery as a species both on a macroismic level as well as on individual level, i think you might find it helpful... 
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"Being crazier than a shithouse rat is not sufficient grounds for banishment"
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
Registered: 03/29/03
Posts: 6,319
Loc: up on the bidet
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: FreakQlibrium]
#1556141 - 05/17/03 12:17 PM (20 years, 6 months ago) |
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Hi FreakQlibrium,
Much Thanks for the kind supportive words :-)
Lately I live in constant angst (and trust me I'm not
exagerating - no need to lie on a forum where I'm
anonymous). Much of the time I try to simply accept
the pain I feel inside, and at other times when it's
just unbearable I try just about anything else I can
(think positive, etc). Lately, when I'm at work and
the pain is too much, I just lock myself in the bathroom
- I think people are beginning to notice my unusually
long jaunts to the bathroom. It's hard to describe the
"pain" to people... it's like a paralyzing rush of fear
that takes over and feels like it has no end in duration
or intensity. There are many reasons to this feeling
that I "understand" and am aware of at an intellectual
level, but yet, these understandings don't seem to
"solve the problem of pain". Most of the time I try to
just observe the pain, disidentify from it and realize it's
not who I am, but, after all, I'm human and I have my limits...
try telling someone with major 3rd degree burns to
"just be with the pain". Every has their limits - I'm sure
every can imagine a scenario so horrifying that they
wouldn't be able to endure it and would choose to end
their life instead. Obviously I havn't hit this limit yet - I'm
still here, but for how long I don't know. I have a very
high threshold for pain (and no I'm not being egotistical,
it's simply something I've noticed). I used to bike 60 miles
a day (no that's not a type - 400 miles a week) without food
when I was training for racing. But that pain was nothing
compared to what I feel right now. This pain is truely humbling,
I feel at it's mercy.
I think my greatest fear is of ending my life and going to hell...
This has been deeply ingrained in my upbringing. Even though
I've pondered over this considerably, and it goes against
every thought/feeling that I have, fear is a powerful force.
Even if there is a remote possibility that there is a God who
would condemn me to eternal damnation (and we're talking
"eternal" here - consider the horror of that... never ending
limitless pain), it's terrifying. Of course I realize that many
religions would have me believe that I'm doomed to such a fate
anyways because I don't believe in the specifics of their
religion, but for some reason I don't believe in such ideas
- strange. But the possiblity of suicide leading to eternal hell
seems very real to me. Part of me feels ridiculous for thinking/beliving
this. Ironic, but my fear of committing suicidie and going
to hell is driving me to suicide.
The "Conversations with God" series is brilliant. I've been perusing
through it as well as other Walsh books. Tolle's book and CD's are
quite powerful as well. Lately, since I've aquired a buddha belly and
all athletic endevors have come to an end, I've been reading a lot.
Here's some insightful books that I've read/been reading, hopefully
they'll help someone on the list who's going throught a similar
tough time:
1. Power of Now, Practicing the Power of Now,
Even the Sun will Die, Living the Liberated Life, Realization of Being
(all by Eckhart Tolle)
2. Thoughts without a Thinker, Going to Pieces without Falling Apart (Mark Epstein)
3. Full Catastrophe Living, Whereever u go there u are (Jon Kabat Zinn)
4. Comfortable with Uncertainty (Pema Chodron)
5. The problem of Pain (C.S. Lewis)
6. On God, Meaning of Life (Krishnamurti) - amazing, for someone who
allegedly had an empty/quiet mind, he sure came up with some
profoundly insightful thoughts
7. Zen and the rediscovery of the Obvious
8. Walsh's Conversations with God series
9. The Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy (my favourite :-)
BTW, I absolutely *LOVE* this forum !!!!!!
The only people who I can relate to are on this forum... and no that's not sad
at all...
perhaps it's because we have one very important thing in common...
we've all experienced something which has made us "know", and I don't
mean just intellectualize, I mean "really know" (i.e. through direct
experience) that there is more to life that the constant
accumulation of material possessions... I don't claim to know
what that "more" is... or whether I'm sure it's good or bad, or
whether there is a way of entering that state and abiding in
it willfully... but I feel that it does exist... and I have
a sense (perhaps just a romantic wishful notion) that it's
good...
I know what you're thinking... non-sense comming from a suicidal depressive...
--------------------
"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
#1556167 - 05/17/03 12:33 PM (20 years, 6 months ago) |
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- Post History Deleted Upon User's Request -
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FreakQlibrium
Son of Uncle Meat
Registered: 06/06/02
Posts: 19,058
Loc: Toronto Canada
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
#1556185 - 05/17/03 12:49 PM (20 years, 6 months ago) |
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Lucid sez: Regardless, it's impossible to "know" love without attachment until the day u truely experience it yourself. All else is intellectual masterbation ;-) (pls excuse the explicit analogy)
Freak sez:
"That wasn't intellectual masterbation at all my friend. You put that beautifully, one either knows(Love=Conciousness=Wisdom) through direct experience("knowledge through identity") or one does not know at all..... Love while attached to objects remains sentimental at best and is like tasting one drop of the eternal ocean....now THAT lol, is mental masterbation"
I know what you're thinking... non-sense comming from a suicidal depressive...
Lucid, i can assure you my friend that i am thinking NO such thing...the fact that you have read all those books and been able(B4 "buddha belly" lol) focus on your training to such an extreme extent shows that you can apply yourself when you want to....what i DO see is someone who doesn't give themselves nearly enough credit.....your comment in S & P blew me out of the water, it's like you're SO close to wisdom that you're blinded by it's light....i get the feeling that when you get yourself sorted out, you'll probably be one of the (too) few that is so good at helping others, PLEASE don't check out now or your life will have been for naught.... 
it's like a paralyzing rush of fear
Man from the time i was 19 til my L8 20's i had do do valium and alchohol just to go out and cut the grass,walk down the street etc. i know all about anxiety, social and otherwise.....i was totally dysfuntional(i suspect i may have had a pre existing condition and doing a lot of acid, mescaling psilocybin etc may have accerbated(?) what problems i already had. What finally got me over it was having NO other choice but to sink or swim(sounds a bit like maybe where you are now)....i know i mentioned this somewhere else in this forum in some detail and i don't want to be redundant.....
Just let me say that there i was, no money, too dysfuntionbal to work(not too "lazy", i used to workout with weights 6 days a week, 2 hours at a time), no family, no friends etc, yet it was in that most trying of times i was able to solve most of my fuckups....i HAD to overcome my lack of self conficdence, fear and anxiety or perish....it really was that "black and white" no it wasn't easy at all but i did it and i'm a lot more together a person today that i was back then...
For me it'a a miracle i can even go shopping,be out in public by myself without needed to be stoned/high on drugs.......again though, that was only MY path, i'm not trying to suggest it be yours as well, just trying to offer you a view from when i was at my lowest to where i am now........i no longer "get depressed" or feel lonely or any of that stuff......i'm truly at peace with myself, most of the anger and negativity has left me, i hope you decide to hang around and work out your stuff, no matter HOW difficult it may seem today, i think in time you'll just see everything you are now going through as some sort of a bad dream as opposed to "the reality" it sems to be to you now......best of luck
--------------------
"Being crazier than a shithouse rat is not sufficient grounds for banishment"
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
Registered: 03/29/03
Posts: 6,319
Loc: up on the bidet
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: FreakQlibrium]
#1556299 - 05/17/03 02:08 PM (20 years, 6 months ago) |
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Man, u people are the best !
Thanks again FreakQlibrium :-)
u're absolutely right, when life pushes one to the extreeme, spiritual evolution becomes urgent. I feel I'm close to uncovering/realizing something about myself and about life but I'm not sure what... and I'm not sure if it'll just cause me more pain, and that frightens me even more. Lately, when I meditate, I can sense myself getting closer to something deep within, and I panic and withdraw - I'm honestly too afraid to face whatever it is and I'm terrfied that I might lose my mind if I do face it.
I see myself as a tiny cell in the cosmic organism, right now I am faced with fears, emotions and feeling that are a concequence of our collective genetic and social conditioning, our history and our evolution. I don't quite understand who, where or why I am. I've been told that this is dangerous questioning, inevitably leading to torment and insanity. Perhaps they're right and perhaps right now I should be out there buying the latest gadget or looking for that someone special who will solve all my problems (seeking enlightned godess for transendental union ;-).
But... I choose to seek and understand, both myself and world that I live in. I also think that there is a "realization" (for lack of a better word) beyond thought where things make sense and where one is at peace - I've had very fleeting glimpses of this in the past, but I don't know if it can ever be more than fleeting glimpses. I just hope that being consumed by fear is not our primary state.
Sticking with the analogy of being a tiny cell, part of a larger organism, perhaps my purpose is to contemplate and to try to understand and just maybe some good will come out of that and I'll be able to help out other cells for a greater good.
At the very least I hope I'll be able to pull myself together and stop tormenting u folks with my psycho babble :-)
--------------------
"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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FreakQlibrium
Son of Uncle Meat
Registered: 06/06/02
Posts: 19,058
Loc: Toronto Canada
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
#1556593 - 05/17/03 05:30 PM (20 years, 6 months ago) |
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Perhaps they're right and perhaps right now I should be out there buying the latest gadget or looking for that someone special who will solve all my problems (seeking enlightned godess for transendental union ;-). "
Like 99% or the species you mean? and YES!!! by all means DO seek to drown your pain/fear/depression in another as a bandaid solution( i KNOW you were J/K btw ) , i mean it is SO socially acceptable, in fact, if you DON't choose that particular "path" society tends to view you as a loser or "reject" LOL!
Talk about a bandaid solution....is it no wonder when the "love object"(significant other) for ANY reason gets ripped away that we feel pain and attribute that pain to the fact that the love object is gone.....that's like blaming the removal of an actual johnson & Johnson's bandaid for being responsible for the wound that it (temporarily) served to cover/obfuscate......
i read how easily(relativly anyway) it was for you to overcome your divorce, normally that would have totally DEVASTED most regular people...........Lucid, you got the power man, and you may very well need all of it right now but....it's THERE man, pls believe that.........think of the pain/confusion(temporarily projecting my human intellect) that a larvae undergoes before morphing into it's own REAL nature(a butterfly).....it's all going to work out for you man, i know it
Best wishes,
Freak
--------------------
"Being crazier than a shithouse rat is not sufficient grounds for banishment"
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
Registered: 03/29/03
Posts: 6,319
Loc: up on the bidet
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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 Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1699486 - 07/09/03 12:00 PM (20 years, 5 months ago) |
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Hey everyone,
Just wanted to thank everyone who helped me out
so 4 months later, I'm still alive, but still stuck in bad
anxiety/depression
Had gotten addicted to the shroomery so I forced myself
to take a break for a short while from posting, but
ze urge is back 
I was starting to feel a bit better, but then over the
past few days felt progressively worse culminating in
terrifying nightmares last night (Although, that might
be due to high doses of Desyrel - Trazodone - that my
doc recently prescribed to help me sleep). Feel like
a totally messed up human being 
I'm currently trying to get disability, but I'm not
sure if it'll work out. Can't believe I havn't recovered
after so much time. I think I'll need to figure out a way
to live with this condition. I'm seeing a shrink btw, but
she doesn't seem very competant (just being honest - she
gave me little photocopies of articles which seem to explain
anxiety as if the reader was a 2 yr old - complete with
silly baby bear pictures and electrified cats).
A friend of mine had suggested that I might be going
thro "Kundalini" a while ago. I dismissed this as New Age
tripe... but now, out of sheer desperation, I'm just wondering
if anyone here is familiar with Kundalini and if there's any
scientific basis to it at all...
love this place 
--------------------
"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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pigsnzen
Stranger
Registered: 07/12/03
Posts: 1
Last seen: 19 years, 17 days
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
#1707923 - 07/12/03 04:16 AM (20 years, 5 months ago) |
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I had a friend who exhibited similar symptoms after tripping once. Panic attacks, depression, suicidal thoughts. Dr's put him on SSRIs, benzos, etc.
Turned out he had a thyroid imbalance. They nuked his thyroid (no kidding - to slow it down) and he is 100% back to normal now.
Have you had a full blood work up done? I would investigate that as a possibility.
Good luck with everything and I hope you find the Peace you seem to need in your life.
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mntlfngrs
The Art of Casterbation
Registered: 07/18/02
Posts: 3,937
Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1707953 - 07/12/03 05:09 AM (20 years, 5 months ago) |
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Wow man, I hadn't read this before and actualy I didn't read all the repies. I feel for you man. I tend to agree with a few that said that you may have been repressing all these bad things that had been going on in your life. You sound like you are a realy good person and have a great outlook. I might suggest hypnosis/regression therepy. I realy hope you don't decide to end it like you seem to have considered. If it were me, before I made any decision so permanent I would think about trying to bring myself full circle by the same means that turned you 180 from where you started. I'm not telling you to take shrooms again because I wouldn't want to be responsible for what happens if it were to go badly. but if all else fails it might be woth a thought. Although I'm sure the thought of that mush be terrifying to you. Often the solution resides in the problem.
Good luck to you man and I hope you find your peace.
--------------------
Be all and you'll be to end all
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mntlfngrs
The Art of Casterbation
Registered: 07/18/02
Posts: 3,937
Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1707964 - 07/12/03 05:19 AM (20 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
lucid said:
So, I'm curious... have any of you, people of the shroom, *truely* considered why u live on ? and I mean *truely* considered (i.e. sat down and contemplated about it, not just a cursory reflection). And I don't mean answers like "well I'm looking forward to the future, graduation, sex etc"... I mean contemplated it deaper than that. After all death implies nothingness... no experience... hence I don't get the whole concept of fear of death... how could one be afraid of "not experiencing" something ? that would be akin to me telling u: "I know of an experience, called A, but btw, 'I know for a fact that you will never experience A, regardless of whether it's good or bad'" - it wouldn't make sense to get frightened over that would it ? I realize many people live on because of family etc, and I'm wondering if there are other reasons (one could be happy and still contemplate the possibility of nonexistance) ? or does it come down to "well, there isn't really a reason"... "it's just because...", like the usual "why did u climb the mountain ?... because it was there..."
I considered suicide one time on LSD contemplating similre things and the worlds problems. It wasn't out of depression or anything I just figured that the main problem was too many people in the world and I was going to take responsibility and do my part to make less people. Glad I didn't do that. Thanks to my friend who simply said that I shouldn't make those decisions while on acid. Good advice.
--------------------
Be all and you'll be to end all
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enotake2
Stop Bush's war
Registered: 01/30/03
Posts: 1,457
Loc: Comfy chair in my lounger...
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: mntlfngrs]
#1707990 - 07/12/03 06:06 AM (20 years, 5 months ago) |
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Yeah, that might not be a bad idea to get a thyroid function test done. Symptoms of hypothyroidism include depression, wieght gain, mental and physical slowing, constipation, sensitivity to cold, slowed pulse, among other things, if any of those things soumd familiar.
--------------------
Computer games don't affect kids. I mean if Pacman affected our generation as kids, we'd all be running around in a darkened room, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.
"Being bitter and hateful is like drinking a vial of poison and hoping the other person gets sick" FreakQLibrium
"My motto from here on out is: If someone or something (including me) in my life is conducting themselves in such a way that they can be seen on Jerry Springer, it's time to take out the garbage!!! When you stop taking their behaviour personally and see their antics as a true reflection on their character, it becomes absolutely nauseating." Anon. on abusive relationships.
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
Registered: 03/29/03
Posts: 6,319
Loc: up on the bidet
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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 Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: enotake2]
#1708201 - 07/12/03 10:02 AM (20 years, 5 months ago) |
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Thanks for the suggestions everyone, yup got a complete blood checkup, my Thyroid came out normal (but then they didn't
check Free T3 & T4 directly as I would have liked them to, but
rather only checked TSH - but it's unlikely that my Thyroid is
messed up, it be my brain that be messed up ). Feeling
pretty awful today too, it's strange because I can't even think
of a single thing, not even in my wildest imaginations that would
make me feel even slightly better at this point I mean,
if u gave me wings and told me I could fly, or that I could have
anything I ever wished for, I feel I'd still be miserable 
It's more than about feeling bad about my circumstances, I feel
like I'm incapable of being happy or having peace again - that
really brings me down. I can't believe I'm writing this... never
in my wildest imaginations could I have thought I'd get depressed
like this (shot, tarred and feathered maybe, but not depressed -
I never really understood what people meant when they talked about
depression, as opposed to being sad, but now I know).
--------------------
"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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Static
Can you hear menow?
Registered: 06/15/03
Posts: 113
Last seen: 19 years, 10 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1708266 - 07/12/03 10:45 AM (20 years, 5 months ago) |
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God is the answer, it is in his Word. You should read the Bible and put that other stuff away. Pray for healing and peace of mind. I had a very religious experience with mushrooms that drew me closer to God. I am sorry it did not work that way for you.
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Astronauts get all the tang they want.
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Strumpling
Neuronaut
Registered: 10/11/02
Posts: 7,571
Loc: Hyperspace
Last seen: 12 years, 6 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: Static]
#1708404 - 07/12/03 12:11 PM (20 years, 5 months ago) |
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what the fuck?
--------------------
Insert an "I think" mentally in front of eveything I say that seems sketchy, because I certainly don't KNOW much. Also; feel free to yell at me.
In addition: SHPONGLE
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
Registered: 03/29/03
Posts: 6,319
Loc: up on the bidet
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: Static]
#1709136 - 07/12/03 05:15 PM (20 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Static said:
God is the answer, it is in his Word. You should read the Bible and put that other stuff away. Pray for healing and peace of mind. I had a very religious experience with mushrooms that drew me closer to God. I am sorry it did not work that way for you.
Static, I prayed man, trust me, I wept hysterically and prayed.
But, I'm still stuck in this state
U seem like a religious person. No offense, but I think part
of my fear is deap rooted in the concept of Hell and a seemingly
terrifying God who condemns his creations to eternal
damnation... It would be nice if we were all brought up to
believe in a Compassionate and Merciful God who loves us
unconditionally and would never condemn us to a Hellish fate,
but unfortunately that's not the case.
--------------------
"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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Strumpling
Neuronaut
Registered: 10/11/02
Posts: 7,571
Loc: Hyperspace
Last seen: 12 years, 6 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1709761 - 07/12/03 08:07 PM (20 years, 5 months ago) |
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I think it would be nicer still if we were all brought up to believe in NO GOD, understanding completely that "its all up to YOU!"
--------------------
Insert an "I think" mentally in front of eveything I say that seems sketchy, because I certainly don't KNOW much. Also; feel free to yell at me.
In addition: SHPONGLE
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
Registered: 03/29/03
Posts: 6,319
Loc: up on the bidet
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: Strumpling]
#1710228 - 07/12/03 11:04 PM (20 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Strumpling said:
I think it would be nicer still if we were all brought up to believe in NO GOD, understanding completely that "its all up to YOU!"
true
--------------------
"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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mindXplorer
mind xplorer
Registered: 10/19/02
Posts: 85
Last seen: 15 years, 6 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: Strumpling]
#1710342 - 07/12/03 11:36 PM (20 years, 5 months ago) |
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The answer is in yourself.
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