lucid said:

IF ANYONE HERE STILL REMEMBERS ME
JUST AN UPDATE... ALMOST 4 YEARS LATER...
THINGS R EVEN WORSE THAN BEFORE 
ADRENAL GLANDS R DEAD, PITUTARY GLAD IS MESSED
UP, WENT INTO A COMA...ON HEAVY MEDS. CONSTANT
PAIN.
LOST MY RIGHT HAND IN THE COMA 
CANT TYPE MUCH ANYMORE...

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SocietyRejects said:

Every time I read this thread, I get terrified of mushrooms.

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lucid said:

Hi Everyone
I desperately need help... :-(
I've never been a frequent drug user - only used pot a couple of times in the past which a friend gave to me, who swore to the deeply spiritual effect of the weed. The same friend gave me some shrooms. I never asked for em - he said they would "increase the is-ness of things" - he also said that they were virtually non-toxic... of course he forgot to mention that they can permanently screw up your mind and lead you to inexplicibale mental horrors and ultimately suicide :-( I took only 2 capsules (2 grams of Psilocybe Stropharia cubensis) about 3 weeks ago. I had the most nightmarish time of my life :-( no hallucinations or auditory distortions, but extreeeeme, horrifying paranoia... I thought my mind was going to collapse, that I would go insane and would see nothing but horrifying immages for the rest of my life (even if I fell asleep, went into a coma or died). To my horror the feelings have persisted for about a month now :-(

I've always been a happy person, smiling through the toughest times of my life. I was always a happy kid too despite family troubles. My wife walked out on me a little over a year ago, my parents became homeless and moved in with me, and I lost 2 jobs in the last year and yet... I remained happy through seemingly terrible times. I've been meditating for most of my life and firmly believe that all things good and worth having - joy, happiness, love, compassion - are to be found inside of each of us. I've never been drawn to materialistic things, not because I think that they're bad in any way, but I simply never found any joy in them. My happiest moments have been meditating by a lake or on a hilltop, in sheer extascy and rapture (In keeping with the mind-identification theme from Fight Club...I was Jack's Spirtual bliss). I always used to wonder why people get depressed - this was a terrible thing I did... I judged... I thought that people just need to "be happy". After taking the shrrooms I've plunged into the depths of hell myself :-( I get utterly terrible panic attacks lasting hours (6-7 hours at times, if not entire days). I feel like any minute I'll go insane and will start to see horrific images/sounds. Everything around me (that I used to consider exquisitly beautiful) now seems baren and hostile :-( The shrroom has turned my very soul inside out. I feel I've seen such horror that I'll never recover. I had never known such horror before - i.e. I never thought the mind could come up with such dreadful ideas and attack itself so relentlessly... but I guess at some level I must have, since the shroom can't create anything new in the mind. Reading bad trip reports and permanent psychosis reports from shrooms is what really spurred the bad thoughts - now I really believe I'm going to rot in hell :-( I've gotten extreemly suicidal as a result - only because I'm in soo much agony :-( I wish I could be my old happy self again,
I wish I hadn't taken it, I wish I could take time back, but I can't. "I am Jack's regret"...

I used to read a lot of Castenada, Philosophy, Spirituality and now all of that (which I used to cherish and view as wisdom) is comming back to haunt me... I keep questioning Reality and really freak out at times. My mind attacks me with ideas like, "is this real ?", "what if the only reality is horror ?" and terrible things like that. The constant questioning of Reality thows me into the depths of hellish fear.
I keep telling myself to think positive... "Ignore this terrible drug ("Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas"). I've also tried shutting off my internal dialogue, which can be tough to do, but even when I do acheive a certain level of menatal quietitude, it can have varying effects (i.e. at times I still feel anxious and depressed despite the absense of thoughts).
When ever I manage to head outside I see that most people seem to be happy and are smiling... I wish I was normal, I wish I could replug myself back into the Matrix, wish I could lead a relatively happy Zombie-like existance like most normal people do. I didn't go to work for a week and show up late everyday and keep running away frequently when the panic gets too bad... it's only a matter of time till I lose this job :-( But the job isn't that important, I'll just be happy if I could simply not be in pain anymore (I don't care if I'm jobless or homeless, just need to stop the pain).

I went to the ER after the shrroom and then to a private doc and they simply prescribed Ativan and Paxil respectively and gave me no time at all to listen to what I was going through and how I felt. Typical doc solution... here's a pill. I havn't taken either yet, I want to do this without more drugs, I want to be my old happy self again, I want to erase this memory from my mind so I never even know that such terror exists. I don't want to have to battle this for the rest of my life (and I don't want to end my life either - but if it comes down to it, suggestions for painlessly departing from this extreeemly painful existance would be *greatly* appreciated).
I can't run from my own mind... "where ever I go there I am..."
 

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SocietyRejects said:

Every time I read this thread, I get terrified of mushrooms.

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lucid said:

Most mystic writings seem to talk about a state
of conciousness where all action is perfect and
there is no right or wrong...
to my ordinary conciousness this seems a bit terrifying.
If there is no more right or wrong and if all
action is equal than these people could go out
and do just about anything that would normally
be considered horribly evil (I'll leave it up
to your imagination to envision the specifics).
How could this be a desriable/healthy state ?

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MarkostheGnostic said:

I believe that you are misunderstanding the moral nature of enlightened mind. When one's central or 'Master' motive is Compassion [which I usually capitalize because it is considered to be  THE  Divine attribute of Ultimate Reality in Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism and Buddhism], then one's actions are automatically moral in the highest sense of the word..

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yoonix said:

This sounds like ego death.  It sounds like the ego death started but that you are fighting it because face it we don't want to die but you need to let yourself experience the ego death and then you will see that YOU don't die it's only your ego or your sense of self. If you want to understand more checkout the Richard Alpert clip on you tube. He later becomes ram das and he puts the trip experience into perspective. Your brain is rewired it won't go back you must move forward now and let your ego go. Welcome to Zion.

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