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 lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
Registered: 03/29/03
Posts: 6,319
Loc: up on the bidet
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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 Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms 
#1421156 - 04/01/03 06:24 AM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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Hi Everyone
I desperately need help... :-(
I've never been a frequent drug user - only used pot a couple of times in the past which a friend gave to me, who swore to the deeply spiritual effect of the weed. The same friend gave me some shrooms. I never asked for em - he said they would "increase the is-ness of things" - he also said that they were virtually non-toxic... of course he forgot to mention that they can permanently screw up your mind and lead you to inexplicibale mental horrors and ultimately suicide :-( I took only 2 capsules (2 grams of Psilocybe Stropharia cubensis) about 3 weeks ago. I had the most nightmarish time of my life :-( no hallucinations or auditory distortions, but extreeeeme, horrifying paranoia... I thought my mind was going to collapse, that I would go insane and would see nothing but horrifying immages for the rest of my life (even if I fell asleep, went into a coma or died). To my horror the feelings have persisted for about a month now :-(
I've always been a happy person, smiling through the toughest times of my life. I was always a happy kid too despite family troubles. My wife walked out on me a little over a year ago, my parents became homeless and moved in with me, and I lost 2 jobs in the last year and yet... I remained happy through seemingly terrible times. I've been meditating for most of my life and firmly believe that all things good and worth having - joy, happiness, love, compassion - are to be found inside of each of us. I've never been drawn to materialistic things, not because I think that they're bad in any way, but I simply never found any joy in them. My happiest moments have been meditating by a lake or on a hilltop, in sheer extascy and rapture (In keeping with the mind-identification theme from Fight Club...I was Jack's Spirtual bliss). I always used to wonder why people get depressed - this was a terrible thing I did... I judged... I thought that people just need to "be happy". After taking the shrrooms I've plunged into the depths of hell myself :-( I get utterly terrible panic attacks lasting hours (6-7 hours at times, if not entire days). I feel like any minute I'll go insane and will start to see horrific images/sounds. Everything around me (that I used to consider exquisitly beautiful) now seems baren and hostile :-( The shrroom has turned my very soul inside out. I feel I've seen such horror that I'll never recover. I had never known such horror before - i.e. I never thought the mind could come up with such dreadful ideas and attack itself so relentlessly... but I guess at some level I must have, since the shroom can't create anything new in the mind. Reading bad trip reports and permanent psychosis reports from shrooms is what really spurred the bad thoughts - now I really believe I'm going to rot in hell :-( I've gotten extreemly suicidal as a result - only because I'm in soo much agony :-( I wish I could be my old happy self again,
I wish I hadn't taken it, I wish I could take time back, but I can't. "I am Jack's regret"...
I used to read a lot of Castenada, Philosophy, Spirituality and now all of that (which I used to cherish and view as wisdom) is comming back to haunt me... I keep questioning Reality and really freak out at times. My mind attacks me with ideas like, "is this real ?", "what if the only reality is horror ?" and terrible things like that. The constant questioning of Reality thows me into the depths of hellish fear.
I keep telling myself to think positive... "Ignore this terrible drug ("Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas"). I've also tried shutting off my internal dialogue, which can be tough to do, but even when I do acheive a certain level of menatal quietitude, it can have varying effects (i.e. at times I still feel anxious and depressed despite the absense of thoughts).
When ever I manage to head outside I see that most people seem to be happy and are smiling... I wish I was normal, I wish I could replug myself back into the Matrix, wish I could lead a relatively happy Zombie-like existance like most normal people do. I didn't go to work for a week and show up late everyday and keep running away frequently when the panic gets too bad... it's only a matter of time till I lose this job :-( But the job isn't that important, I'll just be happy if I could simply not be in pain anymore (I don't care if I'm jobless or homeless, just need to stop the pain).
I went to the ER after the shrroom and then to a private doc and they simply prescribed Ativan and Paxil respectively and gave me no time at all to listen to what I was going through and how I felt. Typical doc solution... here's a pill. I havn't taken either yet, I want to do this without more drugs, I want to be my old happy self again, I want to erase this memory from my mind so I never even know that such terror exists. I don't want to have to battle this for the rest of my life (and I don't want to end my life either - but if it comes down to it, suggestions for painlessly departing from this extreeemly painful existance would be *greatly* appreciated).
I can't run from my own mind... "where ever I go there I am..."
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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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HidingInPlainSight
 
Registered: 01/27/03
Posts: 2,077
Loc: Oklahoma City , OK, USA
Last seen: 1 year, 6 months
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 Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1421217 - 04/01/03 07:20 AM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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the only option i see here is to ask God for help... 
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 KOPELANDIAA
Stranger
Registered: 11/17/01
Posts: 805
Loc: under a pine
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 Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1421222 - 04/01/03 07:25 AM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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...wow, it seems that you weren't a so happy person finally ? I think (but just my two cents, i'm not psychiatrist) that you deliberately putted all your troubles (familly, etc) in the background, in your mental trashcan where you thinked it will let you in peace...but there is no deal like that with the shrooms, they show you what you are and they want you to be mature. In my opinion, you must not regret to have taken those shrooms ( iknow i know, i'm not in your situation).
Now, what you have to do ( ithink) is to take all this shitty stuff like you must have read in Castanedas...it's a challenge ! The shrooms showed you a reality, a part of a reality in fact, maybe a side of you that you always refused to see...i think that now you deeply understood the horror, but this horror is not all, there is millions of realities and know you have to come back or rediscover the other side: the beauty, the bliss, the joy, the love wich enlight everything...you can do it because love is every where...even in the heart of the horror...
Remember Don Juan's words: fear is the first challenge. Of course there is maybe a neurological problem with you (persistence of symptoms, etc) but i'm sure you'll won after all because you seems to be good minded (and my english is awfuuuull)...well don't know what to say else but just keep in mind that the shrooms are not an awfull drug and that you had this experience because you HAD to. Nobody can tell why but it's like that, don't regret it, it's past, now think about the learning and the meaning of all this mess...why did the mushrooms showed you that ? Maybe you have to rediscover the light now...hmm
I don't know what you exactly must do, i'm not a specialist and not in your mind...
As for me, i'll fight against the fear and myself....i'll take another shrooms...but i can't be sure that is the good advice or not ! It's the way to fight fear and phobia .
Maybe a psychanalyse would be good for you too if there is still some hided events in your subconscious wich are doing this hell that made you posting here...
I hope i wasn't too confuse and, most of all, that it helps a little !
Anyway i'm 100% sure that you'll not be stucked in this forever...cause i can FEEL it !
Good luck and tell us informed
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Anonymous #1
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 Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1421238 - 04/01/03 07:41 AM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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- Post History Deleted Upon User's Request -
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AislingGheal
A wave on the ocean
Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 988
Loc: Northern Ohio
Last seen: 1 year, 10 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]  1
#1421303 - 04/01/03 08:50 AM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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Just hang in there, you have friends here, people who are willing to help. Mushrooms can act as an amplifier of the inner condition, any unresolved conflicts in the subconscious can be highlighted during the psychedelic experience. On the bright side this is an opportunity to deal with things and reintegrate as a better, stronger person.
You're into philosophy and spirituality? Read the book "The Problem of Pain" by C.S. Lewis, this can be helpful to you. Is there anyone close to you that you trust, who is kind and understanding? Share your problems with them and get some feedback, nothing helps like a kind soul who has been there. Anyone who has spent time in self reflection comes up against the problem of pain and a realization that their understanding of reality is incomplete. This is the impulse that has driven forward the greatest minds in philosophy and religion. Just remember that you are not alone, that you have a part to play in this world, this reality, and that in itself is important. Reality is a many faceted jewel, each facet shows a piece of the whole, we ourselves are like this. Just don't stay stuck in a particular facet, strive to see the whole picture. Pain can be a teacher, fear is short-lived. How can I say this? Because hope and love exist as well.
I'm sure I speak for many here when I say that if you need help just let me know, I'll do my best. Keep us posted.
--------------------
 
"I hate having to pick between the lesser of two evils. But I'm glad Obama was elected. McCain was another war monger. I'd rather deal with our country going into debt than trying to take on afghanistan...oh wait FUCK!" - Fungus_tao
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Phluck
Carpal Tunnel
Registered: 04/10/99
Posts: 11,394
Loc: Canada
Last seen: 1 month, 19 days
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1421404 - 04/01/03 10:11 AM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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Seek the help of a mental professional. This is the best advice you are going to get. They CAN help you.
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"I have no valid complaint against hustlers. No rational bitch. But the act of selling is repulsive to me. I harbor a secret urge to whack a salesman in the face, crack his teeth and put red bumps around his eyes." -Hunter S Thompson
http://phluck.is-after.us
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AislingGheal
A wave on the ocean
Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 988
Loc: Northern Ohio
Last seen: 1 year, 10 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: Phluck]
#1421530 - 04/01/03 12:11 PM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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I have to agree with Phluck that the first thing is to seek professional help. I truly meant what I wrote earlier but I'm no professional, Phluck's advice is best.
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"I hate having to pick between the lesser of two evils. But I'm glad Obama was elected. McCain was another war monger. I'd rather deal with our country going into debt than trying to take on afghanistan...oh wait FUCK!" - Fungus_tao
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Buddha5254
addict
Registered: 04/22/00
Posts: 532
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: AislingGheal]
#1421620 - 04/01/03 03:17 PM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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Dude, PLEASE read my Private Message I sent you. Go see a therapist not a doctor.
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Eightball
whore consumer
Registered: 07/21/01
Posts: 3,013
Last seen: 9 years, 4 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1421639 - 04/01/03 03:26 PM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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sounds like you had a scary trip and had quite a bit of post tramatic stress. my sugestion would be to try it again with someone experienced who can talk you through any problems that surface.
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If you're frightened of dying and you're holding on.you'll see devils tearing your life away.
But...if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels
Freeing you from the earth.
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slppe
the eye
Registered: 02/25/03
Posts: 401
Loc: tripped out
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1422179 - 04/02/03 01:28 AM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
Registered: 03/29/03
Posts: 6,319
Loc: up on the bidet
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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 Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: slppe]
#1422602 - 04/02/03 07:27 AM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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Hi Everone,
I'm still in *very* bad shape, but the
extreemly kind and supportive words from this
message board have really helped. I was
surprised that so many people have responded.
I can't seem to get help from anyone in the
community and can't really afford to see
a therapist (I live in Montreal, Canada but
therapy is the one thing NOT covered by insurance :-(
arn't I lucky ?!
Not sure what to do anymore...very skeptical
about trying anything "alternative"...that's how I got into
this horrible nightmare in the first place... by
trying to make myself a better person by taking
psycoactive substances. Perhaps I should have
just resorted to standard techniques the way
"normal" people do (at least most of the people
I see on the street don't appear to be in
constant agony and seem to be able to cope with
work very well - much, much better than I seem to
be doing). On the other hand "standard techniques"
don't seem to help me at all (in fact made things
worse) when my ex left (the writings of Castenada,
Eckhart Tolle, and Krishnamurthi yanked me right out
of that)... so I'm not sure about
anything anymore - constant doubt... not sure who
to believe, who to trust... I know one things for
sure... I should *never* have taken the shrrooms.
I also keep getting *very darn* unlucky :-( I've
been reading of people who very transformed
extreeemly positively after taking shrroooms
(became amazing artists, amazing scientists etc).
Most of these people had very positive people they
were around when they tripped... in my case, I had
a friend on the line who used to be extreemly
depressive and kept telling me that I've always
been anxious and depressive (I tried to IM other
friends but they were busy, I also tried to call a therapist
friend but couldn't get through). Then my parents
kept telling me that all I needed to do was to
EAT ! that would solve all my problems... now I've
gained about 25 Ibs... that combined with Castenada
(worst of all) and "Reality questioning" has made
for a "fabulous" experience :-((
All I ever wanted was a bit of peace and happiness
and to be a slightly better person (i.e. work better
and perhaps be able to help others more and need
even less myself). Also my mom is the God of Fear installation
(as much as I love her and as much as I recognize
that she's just been trying to help me through this)...
she told me to STOP READING ALL THIS NONESENSE immediately
and to keep myself busy (not bad advice but sounds like she's
advocating constantly running away...). I told her about
NO-MIND meditation and she sez it's "DANGEROUS !"
I asked her about Magnesium supplements and she sez it's "DANGEROUS !!"
everything she doesn't know about is "DANGEROUS !"
(and she's a Doctor btw)
I feel I need help, and I'm getting plenty, but what
I'm not getting is "the RIGHT KIND OF help". I wish I
knew where I could get that (of course I realize part
of that is within me). I need to talk to someone, I need
help NOW (timely help is the key to preventive terrible
things in medicine) but I can't seem to find any... perhaps
if I had gotten help soon after I started freaking out
after the shrroom I wouldn't be in this terrible state
today and would be an extreemly creative scientist (but who's to say)...
feel like GOD himself has abandoned me :-(
My parents are almost as dysfunctional as I am,
my Dad is extreeeemly anxious and is constantly
fidgiting and switching channels (I don't do this
but my anxiety manifests itself differently - i.e obsessing
about terrible thoughts and going insane), and my
mom is constantly PARANOID and AFRAID, she thinks
my dad will steal all her things and kill her and
keeps her doors bolted twice.
My dad smashed our computer monitor once when I was
a kid because he said that we (kids) broke the
lid on the on/off button... my parents have been
fighting *viciously* (I mean it litterally) every
since I can remmember.
BUT, at least they seem to be coping with thier life situations.
I was always the calm peaceful center of our home, and
my brother hated that - he wanted me to be badly affected
by what was going on in our home.
I took the shrooms when I was feeling a bit down
(had had a lousy day at work) and then things just
went insane. It was the first time I took a "leap of faith"
- i.e. I just took the shrrooms on my friends recommendation
without reading up on them first (I didn't even know about
this web site before). I've almost *never* done this in the
past, I believe in taking very informed decisions and generally
research even vitamins thoroughly before taking em. It's not
like I'm a shrroom head, I just took them once unwittingly,
I feel like it was an accident (like taking a wrong turn, colliding
with an 18 wheeler and being crippled for life) but I realize
that it was my responsibility (but one must take some risks in life,
unfortunately mine turned out to be disasterous).
If anyone knows of support or therapists who might make
concessions or just people I could talk with in Montreal
I'd really appreciate it.
BTW, AslingGheal the suggestion for reading "The Problem of Pain" was
excellent ! I've been reading teh rreviews on Amazon and it seems
like a very helpful book.
And much thanks to KOPELANDIAA for the kind words and most
of all for having faith that I'll pull through this !
Some people
have suggested that "well I guess u weren't so happy before after all
before the shrooom"
i.e. I had simply "convinced myself that I was happy"... hmmm... well I wonder
how that's different from "actually being happy" ? perhaps the latter
implies a materialistic link - i.e. "one can only be happy when they
get a million dollars"... If I had simply "convinced myself that I was
happy" in the past, then I sure wish I could do it again cause it
used to feel great !
I am Jack's anxious ramblings...
--------------------
"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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gnrm23
Carpal Tunnel
Registered: 08/29/99
Posts: 6,488
Loc: n. e. OH, USSA
Last seen: 2 months, 5 days
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1422863 - 04/02/03 10:24 AM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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wow, rough ride...
there are a few "shrinks" out there who have worked (and done some tripping themselves) with psychedelics & helped patients/clients come out the other side of "chapel perilous"...
canadian dr abram hoffer (do a web search for some of his books & stuff: some possible keywords might include: orthomolecular psychiatry; megavitamin therapy; schizophrenia & niacinamide)
czech dr stanislav grof (now in california?) (websearch words: spiritual crisis intervention; spiritual emergence network; psychospiritual counseling; psychedelic crisis intervention)
u.s. psychedelic therapists robert masters & jean houston
...
the "quick & easy fix" may not work for everyone (based on some of dr hoffer's 50 years of studies including work with alcoholics (& lsd therapy), mentally ill patients (esp schitzies, treating with niacin or niacinamide at first, then branching out to include zinc, vit B6, nadh, vit C, etc... & psychedelic "freakouts" (& non-freakouts - hoffer & fellow doc humphrey osmond turned aldous huxley on the mescaline back in the mid-50s)
it won't cost you more than a few dollars to purchase a bottle of niacinamide capsules or pills at the pharmacy or healthfood store, and it is quite possible that taking 100 - 250 mg 3 or 4 times per day with meals could cause a noticable decrease in your post-trip angst within a few days
(note: the form aof B3 called niacin will also work, but causes a disconcerting bodily sensation called "flushing" where your skin looks very red sometimes, and feels incredibly hot & itchy due to a marked vasodilation of skin capillaries -- it won't "hurt" you but it feels super tingly...)
~
good luck with re-establishing a comfortable relationship with "reality"...
~
prayer, meditiation, hypnosis, guided imagery, even exorcism are all possibilities, but i consider large doses of vitamin B3 to be relatively non-invasive & worth the miniscule investment...
~
hang in there & let us know how things are going...
be well...
--------------------
old enough to know better
not old enough to care
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1424581 - 04/02/03 09:56 PM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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- Post History Deleted Upon User's Request -
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KOPELANDIAA
Stranger
Registered: 11/17/01
Posts: 805
Loc: under a pine
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: ]
#1424606 - 04/02/03 10:03 PM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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COURAGE !!!
I'm sure the end of this bad trip is near, believe me !
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Xibalba
Stranger
Registered: 05/13/00
Posts: 2,114
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: KOPELANDIAA]
#1424897 - 04/02/03 11:27 PM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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The number one thing you have to do is to stop talking/ thinking about being "permanently screwed up" or "crippled for life," because it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
People who have frequent panic attacks are only afraid of having another panic attack, and that fear is what causes them. You're going crazy and getting paranoid and living in fear of going crazy and getting paranoid and living in fear. If you can see this is irrational and ironic, you're getting better- and if you can actually find it funny, you're going to be fine.
Sit down during one of your more calm, rational times and try to figure out what you are so afraid of, what exactly is wrong in your life- and then what you intend to do about it.
What if reality isn't real... What if, indeed? Well, then we're all off the hook, aren't we? So might as well try to have some fun while you're here. There are valid things to get depressed and terrified over, and metaphysics isn't one of them.
If I explained my personal worldview to most people, they'd wonder how I can believe all that and not kill myself. Yeah, life's fucked up. For the most part I don't let it get to me, because it's not like I can change the nature of human existence. I can, however, find things to make me smile.
You want to 'erase this memory from your mind.' Which is a natural impulse but it's the wrong thing to do. You need to deal with it, learn from it, overcome it- that may take a while, but it won't take the rest of your life, the way trying to supress it would.
And I also think this is a case of a lot of bad stuff in your life being "de-repressed" all at once- you've had a pretty traumatic and dysfunctional family life, and while you say you never let it affect you, I think you've just got really good at hiding your feelings from yourself.
You talk about "no-mind meditation" "shutting off your internal dialogue..." looking for happiness inside yourself, and alone out in nature- all those sound good, but they also suggest some degree of withdrawal from social reality.
If 2 grams of mushrooms was all it took to knock down your entire reality, it must have been a pretty flimsy structure to begin with.
If you are able to stop thinking about this as the terrible mistake that ruined your life and start thinking about it as the point where you had to reassess all your assumptions, confront your weaknesses and begin fixing yourself- that too will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Just my un-qualified non-medical opinion, but hope I made some sense to you.
Do find another shrink who is willing to talk to you about all this stuff rather than just dispensing a drug. Know that you can take the Paxil and it probably will make what you are feeling now go away- certainly try that, at least, before quitting your job or killing yourself.
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Fliquid
Back from being gone.
Registered: 03/18/02
Posts: 6,953
Loc: omotive
Last seen: 8 years, 4 months
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 Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1425202 - 04/03/03 01:22 AM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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I would think the best way to resolve it would be to try again, but this time with someone you trust fully. Who has good experience. And giving into the feeling can help also. You were holding back to much. Which builds up pressure. Like fear, if you never face it. It will become larger and larger. Till it eats you up.
For anyone who doesn't agree, this is my opinion. And i believe it will help MUCH better then any pill or doc. Since you (Lucid) were a selfresolving person before, you will have to resolve it again. A very big sub problem was awakened. NOW FACE IT, or live with it for a very long time.
Be strong, no fear! Fuck fear! We only need it in REAL dangerous situations.
Most of us here have used shrooms, and can tell you "its not a dangerous situation". Its a direct contact with you.
I'll stop now before this becomes to large for anyone to even try and read it... 
--------------------
 My latest music! 
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foghorn
enthusiast
Registered: 12/13/01
Posts: 308
Last seen: 19 years, 1 month
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: Fliquid]
#1427773 - 04/04/03 02:19 AM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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hey.. i know this sounds like a stupid/trivial solution for your troubles lucid, but i suggest physical activity to help clear up your head and get yourself back on track
if there are any sports or just outdoor stuff you can get yourself into, you'll feel alot better mentally and physically having gone out and done something active, even if its just for an hour
i am just speaking from experience - and i know sports are probably the last thing on your mind right now, but i know it always brings me up when im down to play a pickup game of basketball with a few friends..
regardless of weather or not you do/can take my advice, i hope you feel better soon
take it easy
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Ped
Interested In Your Brain
Registered: 08/30/99
Posts: 5,494
Loc: Canada
Last seen: 6 years, 11 months
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 Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid] 1
#1428748 - 04/04/03 12:07 PM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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Lucid,
When I was much younger, I, like yourself, imbibed some mushrooms without really knowing what I was doing. I had a wonderful time, but shortly after the experience some very unsettling problems began to manifest. To make a long story short, within a year I was diagnosed with schizophrenia (no particular brand thereof), and was on a regime of hefty antipsychotic drugs. It's important that you do not assume you're on that path.
Having direct experience in "the system" of psychiatry, I must offer you some advice on the matter.
Some people here have told you bluntly to seek professional help. In my opinion, that is something you should pursue with a great deal caution. The field of psychiatry has an extremely narrorow approach to treating the human mind. Instead of treating the patient, they often treat the patient's symptoms, and even more often they categorize both the symptoms and the patients into poorly defined diagnoses. Very rarely is any effort undertaken to find the cause of the problem.
You feel unhealthy, but you seem pretty grounded and aware of your situation nonetheless. Before seeking professional help, ask yourself these questions:
1) Am I continuing to deteriroate?
2) Am I a danger to myself?
3) Am I a danger to other people?
4) Is my ability to function in life severely impaired?
If you answered yes to any of those, then of course find a professional. It's very important, though, that you educate yourself about what you are pursuing. Don't take a prescription because the doctor says so. Find out exactly what the medication does, how it does it, and what side effects and dangers it carries. Always be exploring other avenues of treatment.
Educate yourself on the mind, on psychology, on spirituality. Learn how the mind responds to certain circumstances, and pair those circumstances with reactions you're experiencing. Search for the cause of your problem. Always ask why.
It's through repeating all of those steps that I managed to pull myself back onto my feet, rid myself of daily medications, and build up enough mental discipline to cope with that which I couldn't. Avenues that helped me include cognitive behavioral therapy, homeopathy, cranial sacral therapy, and endless study. The biggest hinderence to my wellness I can honestly say were the medications that were supposed to make me well. Don't look up to your psychiatrist. 
After I managed to find my resolve, I weighed the risks and decided to try the mushrooms again. Many good things followed. There has been a far reaching positive impact on my life; the experience(s) benefit my arts, my speech, my day-day conduct. Of course, I've not overcome the problems that put me in psychiatric care -- but I've found the drive and the objectivity to subdue, and eventually be rid of them. Every day is progress.
Psychedelic drugs have this manner of taking a snapshot of time, a set of circumstances that were domininant at any given instant before the experience begins, and forcing them on you. As an example, spilling a glass of juice prior to the beginning of the effects can destroy a person's experience. Explore how you were feeling before the effects of the mushrooms began. Some of your best insights will be there, I bet.
I find it interesting that your friend described mushrooms as enhancing the "is-ness" of things. Gautama Buddha described the feeling of enlightenment as an "overwhelming suchness."
Good luck with everything.
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 Dark Triangles - New Psychedelic Techno Single - Listen on Soundcloud
Gyroscope full album available SoundCloud or MySpace
Edited by Ped (04/04/03 12:14 PM)
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: Ped]
#1429135 - 04/04/03 02:58 PM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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Ped, You're post was extreeeemly encouraging. I was very impressed by how "together" your response seemed, both in content and tone.
basically, I would answer yes to all 4 questions
1) Am I continuing to deteriroate? yes
2) Am I a danger to myself? yes
3) Am I a danger to other people? I'm causing extreeme grief to my family
and loved ones by my psycho babble and talks of suicide
4) Is my ability to function in life severely impaired? yes, I just cut back to 1/2 time on my job due to inablity to function (as a software engineer I need my mind every minute, something I unfortunately don't seem to have anymore :-(
You're absolutely right about being aware of my situation tho... having read psychology, spirtiual texts, countless self help techniques, philosophy in the past has given me quite an insight into how my mind works (or at least I think I have an insight - not sure if there's a diff ;-) in fact, I think that might be part of the problem... i.e. everytime someone trys to help me including my own internal dialogue, I'm aware that it's "just a technique to try and help me" which kind of deflates it (i.e. nothing seems to "click" - i.e. no suggestion seems to come across as a revalation, my mind is starting to become immune to positive thoughts :-(
Also, I get caught up in existential/metaphysical debates in my mind which drives me further nuts (e.g. do I have free will ? i.e. how do I know I can even help myself or if I'm just doomed)... I think these are things the avg depressive/anxious person doesn't think about. My fears arn't "what if my friends laugh at me" they're more like "what if I'm just doomed to be in eternal pain and I have no choice in it ?"... "how do I know any joy even exists" very scary thoughts and not something that really have an answer... they're intractable problems of the mind. I'm also caught in *excessive* self doubt...I doubt everything, things people tell me, things I tell myself, reality itself...
This all stems from reading Castenada, crazy friends etc, and before the shroom it didn't seem like a big deal to question these things... I guess I never "really" questioned them, it was just "interesting thoughts" back then and then I would just go back to my regular happy life. If anything they were "exciting" adventerous thoughts - now they're frightning horrifying things that I obsess about. I've also been trying the "watching the thinker" techniques that many many mystic traditions (and even certain therapists) advocate - i.e. that "I am not my mind" I exist independent of my thoughts (in direct oposition to "I think therefore I am")... but I keep doubting that too... I feel like I have no stable ground to stand on anymore... nothing that I can say "this is for sure" and then build up on that... and I don't mean just saying it, I mean *really* knowing it without *any* doubt... something that I can use as a premise to ground myself in. Currently, I feel like "I am my mind... and my mind is hell... hence I'm in hell :-("
sounds insane doesn't it ? exactly, that's why I keep thinking I'm going insane :-( but I must somehow get rid of all this doubt and be sane again...be at peace.
It's encouraging to know that there's others out there who have battled the post-shrroomatic stress and managed to move on with their lives.
I don't want to kill myself, not really afraid to die, but the whole religious upbringing makes me fear that I *might* go to hell if I don't (wouldn't want to risk eternal pain)... see more fear...sigh the whole fear thing...
I wish all the prophets had said... "sure God will forgive everyone and everyone will live in peace forever..." that would have been pretty "neat" ;-)
Any further advice would be greatly appreciated !
Much thanks for your (and everyones) time to reply to me and to support me through this...
even tho my mind wants to reject what I'm going to say, I'll say it anyways... it's a
reminder that there's still good out there in the world... that good exists...:-)
I quite enjoyed the statement u quoted from the Buddha :-)
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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1429150 - 04/04/03 03:06 PM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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btw, someone mentioned that I was a "self resolving" person in the past... this is extreeemly true... even when my wife left nothing anyone said to me made a diff (in fact it mostly made things worse). What really helped me back then was that I would go to a lake to mediate everyday and deliberatly think about what happened... to face it and try and deal with it... and I did this for almost 2 months and somehow it worked...
but the diff is that in the past I didn't have excessive doubt and I didn't think about crazy existential questions (i.e. I didn't think I was losing my mind in any way)... in fact I was convinced that by observing and thinking my mind would help me through the tough time. Unforunately, no I'm stuck in perpetual doubt of everything... that's what keeps me from freeing myself from this nightmarish loop of insane thought... sometimes I get so confused with my own thoughts that all thoughts cease (this is similar to Zen Koans where they deliberately do this to stop thoughts), and then I freak out even more thinking that I'm going to lose my mind... sigh... perhaps I can use this in a positive way somehow... stop all thought and become "enlightened" (which I'm hoping means the end of suffering - since that's all I care about now)...
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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1429157 - 04/04/03 03:07 PM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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Have any philosophers taken shrooms/lsd/hallucinogens ? just wondering how they deal with the amplified reality distoring affects (given that they think about such existential questions) ?
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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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Ped
Interested In Your Brain
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid] 1
#1430380 - 04/04/03 11:21 PM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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The only philosopher I'm aware of who has experience with psychedelic drugs goes by the name of Alan Watts. I have plenty of his lectures recorded if you'd like them. Let me know.
It seems to me like your thoughts are constantly spinning out of control. That is classified as a "symptom" of "schizophrenia". Let me ask you: Have you noticed any perceptual distortions since your mushroom experience? Any frightening shifts of the visual field, or misinterpretations of sensory input? Have you ever felt as though your visual or audiospectral fields are "breaking apart"? If you have any doubt whether or not you've experienced these things, you probably haven't. They are very distinct events.
From the way you describe your living, and from what I can see here on my screen, I think it would be extremely beneficial for you to cultivate mental discipline.
This is a problem I've been working to overcome in myself as well, through meditation. I'm not referencing the "type" of meditation that suggests enlightenment or holiness, or anything divine. Just the act of sitting, and being very deliberate about collecting your mind, finding a center, attaching to one process and quieting everything else.
I use a Zen technique to do this. I'll share it with you.
In this technique, posture is not important but it helps a great deal. Assuming a "correct" posture draws your attention to the practice at hand, and creates an association in your mind that you are doing something unattached to other aspects of your life. For example, if you try to meditate at the kitchen table, your mind will think it is time to eat. Calming your thoughts becomes more difficult.
The Burmese position works well for most people. Gather some coushins, and just sit cross legged, with your back slightly arched concave. Push your head toward the cieling. Place your hands where you would like. Some people cup them on their lap, others let them rest on their knees. Allow your gaze to fall about three feet infront of you. Once you find this posture, you'll notice that it's very comfortable and easy to hold for long periods. Don't be discouraged if you can't find the posture right away -- finding the right position can be a meditation in itself.
Once sitting, focus on the breath. Breathe inward, count 1. Exhale, count 2. Continue this until you've reached 10 without becoming distracted by passing thoughts. If a thought blooms in your mind that takes your attention away from your breath, deliberately draw your mind back to focusing on the breath, and start over again from 1. If there any persistent recurring thoughts that come up, continue breathing, but engage the thought until you come to resolve. It's important that you do not allow yourself to be distracted from the recurring thought by another thought. Try to keep your mind on one thing at a time.
Once you reach 10 without being distracted by uncontrollable thoughts, repeat the count as long as you like. Remain quiet for as long as you feel comfortable doing so.
I've found that practicing this has greatly improved my quality of life, as well as enhanced by ability to construct ideas into communicable form.
Do not subsitute professional advice for meditative practice. Again, if you feel dangerously dysfunctional, find a person who is knowledgable and experienced enough to handle your situation externally.
Hope this helps.
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Dark Triangles - New Psychedelic Techno Single - Listen on Soundcloud
Gyroscope full album available SoundCloud or MySpace
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baraka
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1430454 - 04/04/03 11:50 PM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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OK, ive been where your at, but not the same degree. I got out of it and you will too. I had a trip go real bad, i had dosed much higher in the past but that trip for some reason was real bad. I had bad anxiety with the same worries, i was so incredibly intoxicated while on mushrooms i convinced my self i was insane, and was permantly. Well i went thru a while feeling like i was still going insane. If i smoked a good amount of marijuana it felt like i was still tripping.
I never felt suicidal, but i did have many many irrational thoughts about really stupid stuff, poking my eye out, breaking the guinie pig's leg. Like what the fuck, why would am i thinking about this, scared me real bad. I would never EVER do anything like that, but it totally freaked me out bad that i could even come up with that thought or cumpulsion to do it.
Time basically healed me, i just tought myself to relax and understand that all the thoughts are irational and just stupid random thoughts id never act on. I never had anything like that till after i started tripping a lot. I dont want to blame mushrooms on it.. but i think the frequency i was using them deffinatly contributred to it.
Im back to 100%, feel great and happy doing good in collegeblah blah..... Havent tripped since then but i think i will again in the future.
Time heals, the trip probably showed you stuff about your life that was really hard to except. Grieve and deal with it and you will be ok.
im really drunk/stoned right now but i hope that helped.
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This is the only time I really feel alive.
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baraka
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: baraka]
#1430463 - 04/04/03 11:53 PM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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oh ya... i have never taken any anti depressants or anything, but i did take 5-htp for a while and i think it helped. Might of been placebo tho . Might be somthing to try. i think i took 200 mg a day. or 2 pills morning 2 at night think they where 50s.
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This is the only time I really feel alive.
Edited by baraka (04/04/03 11:55 PM)
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: baraka]
#1430988 - 04/05/03 08:44 AM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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Hi Everyone,
To answer Ped:
"It seems to me like your thoughts are constantly spinning out of control" - exactly, destructively so :-( no perceptual distortions at all, except that when I wake up in the middle of the night, for a very brief moment I frequently don't know where/who I am and get very frightened before being able to put things together (this has been increasing in frequency/intensity and my dreams are getting very very anxious too :-( but no visual/auditory distortions while I'm awake, at least not yet...
By "enlightenment" I simply meant "the end of suffering", i.e. "feeling a deep joy and absence of pain and perhaps a sense that u are more than just a collection of thoughts" - I realize I'm being vague here, but I didn't mean it in a divine/holy sense either. I will certainly try the meditation technique u mentioned, I'm also trying desperately to see a psychiatrist but aparently there's a 6 month wait to see one here in Montreal (so much for the terrific health services in CA :-( - but to be fair at least I don't have to pay to see a regular doc.
To answer Baraka:
Thanks for sharing your experience with me :-) It's good to know that people have recovered.
So far I havn't shared my detailed experience of the trip itself so I'll do that now and try to be brief:
Basically, I had a really tough day at work, came home a bit tired/bored and was thinking of going out to my usual spot to meditate when I thought... hmmm... maybe I'll do something different today, maybe I'll just pop a couple of these shroom things that my friend was raving about (bear in mind I completely trusted my friend and since he never mentioned anything even close to permanent damage of any kind, I was unaware of such possibilities - and he had said that "1 cap would have no affect, 2 would have a very mild affect and 3 might produce mild visual distortions double images etc"). So I popped 2 shroom capsules (I'm assuming that's about 2 grams - they were about the size of your avg 1gram vit c capsule) and sat down at my computer and started checking my mail etc... after about 30 minutes it "hit !" I suddenly felt "extreeeeeme" panic (keep in mind that I was slightly bored/down before the shrooom but extreeemly calm, hardly panicing in any way), so I got even more worried at this very unusual sensation. A few months ago I had had a very mild bit of worry when I took weed (I've only had weed twice), cauze weed just made me extreemly forgetfull and I couldn't hang onto a single thought and I remember thinking "what if I just stay this way forever"... but, since I didn't know that weed could cause permanent damage, I remember calmly thinking that "no one has ever gone mad with weed..." and realizing that I'd be back to normal within the hour - which I was. Now, when I took the shroom and started to panic, I thought "gosh, this is going to last for hours ! what should I do... so I started looking up shrooms on the net and trying to figure out how long this would last and if there was anything I could take to help me just sleep through this... to my horror, the first thing I found on the web sites were talks of permanent insanity after taking shrrooms !! as u can imagine, this *really, really* freaked me out. I tried desperately to see if I could find something positive, but my mind had just latched onto the stories of people going permanently nuts after shrrooms. Then I called up my friend who tried to calm me down, and was with me on the phone for a major part of the trip, but he just kept trying to distract me and talk about other things (which didn't really help since I was conciously aware that he was just trying to distract me and that kinda made things worse - I had an undercurrent sensation that I was still panicing and couldn't really do anything about it). I spent about 9 hours in utter horror (took the shroom around 7:30 - amazing that I still remember that - and never went to sleep till around 4 the next morning and only slept a couple of hours that day), the memory of the next day are kinda vague, I remember that I was extreeemly anxious and went out for a run and then tried to find more info on the net regarding shroooms which just made matters worse. Since then I've basically been "stuck in a moment... and I can't get out of it". Even if I make an attempt to try to get out of it I feel angst since I feel that I'm running away from the panic. My parents and the few friends that I have recommend staying busy and keeping my mind engaged in something or the other... but 1) I can't seem to focus my mind on anything and 2) I don't want to run from this forever, my favourite activity in the past was just sitting alone, by myself, and not doing anything... I want to be able to do that again, I don't want to constantly be keeping myself busy and feeling deep down inside that I'm evading the impending doom of horrible thoughts...how long could I keep that up ? how long could I run from my own mind ?... I think that would be repression. Not sure what to do... to give myself up to these crazy thoughts/feelings and just hope that somehow, by watching them, they're run out of gas/dissappear/lose momentum, OR if I should try to discipline my mind and keep vigilant control and try to steer my mind from these thoughts and instill positive thoughts... I'm hoping that the former is the way to go, but I'm willing to try anything. In the past positive thoughts just used to come natually, not sure why/how but it was beautiful, I never had to "battle off bad thoughts", now it seems to have flipped, destructive thoughts are all that arise and I feel like I have to battle them off with positive thoughts that I need to craft...
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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1431181 - 04/05/03 11:01 AM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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Hi Everyone,
I've been pouring over psychedelic induced psychosis articles over the net and found a really good article at:
http://www.psychedelic-library.org/grof2.htm
As thankful as I am to my friend for being there for me during the nightmarish trip, according to the article, his trying to distract me might be the reason I'm still caught up in this unresolved panic. To quote the article:
"The avoidance techniques developed by the self-help movement, although less harmful than the approach based on the medical and psychiatric model, are also counterproductive. Attempts to engage the subject in superficial conversations ("talking them down"), to distract them by showing them flowers and beautiful pictures, or taking them for a walk does not solve the underlying problem. This can be seen at best as playing for time—keeping the individual occupied with distracting maneuvers until the crisis subsides or diminishes with the waning of the pharmacological effect of the drug. These approaches are based on the erroneous assumption that the drug has created the problem. Once we realize that we are dealing with the dynamics of the unconscious, not a pharmacological state, the short-sightedness of this approach becomes obvious. The danger in using techniques that encourage avoidance lies in the failure to confront and resolve the unconscious material that underlies the emotional and psychosomatic crisis. LSD sessions in which the emerging gestalt is not completed are conducive to prolonged reactions, negative emotional and physical aftereffects, and "flashbacks".
Need to see a good therapist who *really* knows about psychedelics and would be willing to make concessions for a now jobless nut :-( Not sure how to find one in Montreal, CA. If anyone has any recommendations I'd *really* appreciate it.
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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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djfrog
omgws!!!1!
Registered: 10/22/00
Posts: 3,710
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid] 1
#1431306 - 04/05/03 12:33 PM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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Okay, here's the situation as I read it. You're an introvert, you find satisfaction internally. Thats fine. You're a bit of an intellect too in that you've made something of a hobby out of philosophical type consideration. To a large degree this was just a game to you, though at times the sames lines of thought provided support against your suffering. Thats all fine and good.
Then you took mushrooms and became unhappy. You had an extremely different experience, and suddenly the philosophical dialogue can't stop and no longer supports you against suffering. You perceive your way of life as having been taking by a sort of supreme destroyer.
One thing I noticed is that you repeated consider mushrooms or the effect of the last trip to be devastatingly permanent. Your statement "I feel I've seen such horror that I'll never recover" admits that you feel there is something supreme to that experience that won't come to and end. I think you need to remind yourself that mushrooms are just a drug with a relatively short duration of affect (less than one day). Now there has been a long-lasting effect, but that is not the drug. What you're experiencing now is a whole bunch of concerns and negative thoughts, out of a proportion with what you're used to.
Thoughts in your mind will echo and will naturally flow into other thoughts. But, the mushrooms are over. The painful, direct exposure that you felt, is over. Fear and concern are natural patterns of thought which typically serve to protect us from pain. However they've become out of proportion for you and so they are no longer beneficial. Realize that the concrete problems you face now, though real and severe, are nothing you couldn't deal with before and are nothing you can't deal with now. To cultivate a healthy mindset, you need to stop focusing on the fear and stop prioritizing the lines of thought that cause you this suffering as fear. You have likely observed that thoughts are a passing thing, and that the persistence comes through one thought leading to another. This connection of thoughts though is directed by your attention, and it is your focus that compels some thoughts to propagate while others fade from your attention.
The next time these feelings creep in, try this exercise in shifting your focus towards discovering a beneficial reaction from the fear. That is the natural and intended result of fear. The first thing you can do is list those fears, all of them, in a notebook. It is ok to list the same fear twice in different forms, you are trying to represent not just the general concern but the specific aspect of that concern which might concretely bother you. Also list some things which are important to you, like your job or your wife, that concretely affect your life in a positive way. Number each of things things, you will be coming back to each in this exercise.
Now go through the list of numbered items again. For the fears, write how the concretely hurt you (if its a general metaphysical fear, does it keep you awake so that you can't live normally? Does it mess up your diet?). Cross out those numbered where you are not able to determine how they concretely affect your life in a negative way, they will not be reconsidered for the duration of this exercise. For the numbered items you wrote which were not fears but just generally beneficial things, write how they concretely improve the quality of your life.
Now go over each numbered item again, and for each item which is not crossed off, identify a concrete action you can take to improve that situation. If the numbered item was a fear, the concrete action should reduce the fear or one of the negative side effects of the fear. For the numbered beneficial items, the action should help perpetuate those beneficial state of affairs, or attenuate the benefit you get out of them. For those numbered items where you were not able to come up with a concrete action, cross it out it will not be reconsidered for the rest of this exercise.
Now go over each numbered item again, comparing just the concrete actions you identified for each. Pick out the best in terms of easy of completion and magnitude of effect. If any actions are listed twice, that action is to be prefered. At this point your sifting a plan of things to do in the near future.
Okay, thats basically the whole exercise. One important aspect of it is focus- by listing the items once, you are not going through constantly reconsidering these things in your head for an indefinate amount of time. You are also identifying those things you can improve, and shifting focus away from those which you can not control, or which only have an imaginary negative effect. Also you are creating an action plan which, if you follow, will probably lead you to future success. If you get stuck, send me the list you have so far in a PM. Maybe even if you're not stuck I can make other suggestions. If you end up crossing out everything on your list, you are stuck again so send me the list in a PM.
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Alobar
A Bucket of Lard
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
#1431690 - 04/05/03 04:00 PM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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Yiza yeah, man. Isolate them thar fears, and then tackle 'em! Yer the man, fear ain't got nothin' on you! And try to laugh about it all... Remember humor? It's the only thing that keeps us going, keeps us "sane." Unravel that mortal coil and use it as a whip. Put on some cowboy boots with spurs and say "Yee-haw, baby! Got-damn dem dar shit, telly-hoot, ye know?" and shake yer hips and do a little jig and kick up some dust and end it all with a good fat splat o' spit, right thar in the dirt, and then look at it with yer neck stretched and yer hand scratchin' yer chin with one eye squintin'... That thar's some spit. Yes indeed.
I be reailzin' that it's easier said than done, mm-hmm, but what you gotta do is remember the one thing that you never forgot... Pick yer nose every once in a while! Them nasal cavity thangs are... Oh. Excuse me. As I was sayin', try and make an effort not to take yer self so seriously. Easier said than done, for sure. I myself have one hell of a time... But take solice in the fact that yer nothin' but a hair on the broad shoulders of the stinky three-hundred pound linebacker that is the universe... And remember also that yer not just the hair, yer the follicle, too, and perhaps you're capable of growing somethin' beautiful afterall, albeit the fact that yer growin' on a hulking beast of a man... All those zits and moles surrounding you, covered in sweat and a thin film of something resembling cheese, don't worry about them, even if the effluvium aint to yer liking... And all that cholesterol flowin' beneath the surface, making things a little tight.... Well, hey. Builds character, right? A deprivation of the right nutrients can bring many blessings.... This is getting out of hand.
Just make an effort to smile, okay? Soon the effort will feel more natural, but you have to try! Depression is a very attractive venue. Don't give in to it's satisfying juices-- there's a more pleasurable world waiting just around the corner!
Have fun,
M.
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enotake2
Stop Bush's war
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: Alobar]
#1432067 - 04/05/03 06:40 PM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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/me gives lucid a big hug.
Quote:
Not sure what to do... to give myself up to these crazy thoughts/feelings and just hope that somehow, by watching them, they're run out of gas/dissappear/lose momentum, OR if I should try to discipline my mind and keep vigilant control and try to steer my mind from these thoughts and instill positive thoughts
Hey. From my personal experience with depression and from what I have learned studying depression ( I'm working in research on dep, and writing a thesis about it) the second way is definately the way to go. The mind is geared to focus on stuff that is making us anxious. It's a survival mechanism so that you focus on the problem of a bear entered your cave and run away. So you may have some trouble not focusing on the anxious thoughts. If so, try and dispute them first. Find reasons as if you are arguing with someone else as to why the problem is not permanent (eg. other people have experienced the same thing and got better), pervasive (you were OK before the trip, there have been times since when you havent felt quite so bad, I have gotten out of negative situations before), personal (other people have experienced this, I am a strong person etc). Then put off thinking about whatever till eg. 10 minutes at 9-30 that evening, and if you do, telll yourself STOP. If there are thoughts that keep popping up, dispute those too. This is where your ideas about the subjective nature of reality can help you. We have thousands of experiences in our lives. If you are down, chances are you are unfairly focusing on the negative ones. The negative thoughts you throw at yourself may be just as valid as some abuse a drunk on the street may yell at you. Chances are there are lots of positive experiences you have had as well, and you need to use these of evidence of what else is and what you are capable of.
Rumination makes your mood worse. Your mind actually does a better job of becoming rational about stuff, if you let your unconscious do the processing while you are not thinking about it.
The technique I described works and if you use it, you will begin to notice a change in your mood. Meditation is also a good idea. It is hard while you have lots of thoughts, but gradually, it will become easier. Also dont be too afraid of drugs, if you are feeling it is all too much. They can give you a "chemical kick". And it wouldn't be forever.
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Computer games don't affect kids. I mean if Pacman affected our generation as kids, we'd all be running around in a darkened room, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.
"Being bitter and hateful is like drinking a vial of poison and hoping the other person gets sick" FreakQLibrium
"My motto from here on out is: If someone or something (including me) in my life is conducting themselves in such a way that they can be seen on Jerry Springer, it's time to take out the garbage!!! When you stop taking their behaviour personally and see their antics as a true reflection on their character, it becomes absolutely nauseating." Anon. on abusive relationships.
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ska8ball
anaxagoras
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: enotake2]
#1433222 - 04/06/03 10:27 AM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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i may not be right but what i can see is that you have a fear of loosing controll of your mind... maybe because your whole life you have been controlling your emotions and not letting them flow... i belive we have sadness because it needs to be felt but i belive we have it also so we can appreciate happiness. Your constant need to be happy did not allow you to flow with life correctly (in my oppion) but created the facade that life should be lived this way. TO an extent ignorance is bliss however, now you are no longer ignorant and you should see that reality is only in the eyes of the beholder... life is a subjective thing that is different for everybody so reality is only what you perceive - i believe as long as im conscious im in reality because what experience is only in our minds(senses are information to the mind our computer). My friend went through a similar thing and conquered it with this thought... i have had a bad trip by using this philosophy to over come it, if u dont belive anything is wrong there wont be - the mind is more powerful than you think because honestly what is wrong? the fact that ur mind believes that there is something wrong...i don't know if this helped but i tried..
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baraka
Registered: 07/15/00
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: ska8ball]
#1434398 - 04/06/03 08:58 PM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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Wow djfrog, great post.
The night of my bad trip, i had definate feelings of losing control, like i couldnt keep my head together. That fear stemmed out from all of my problems and what i had to deal with to get over it.
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This is the only time I really feel alive.
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downforpot
Stranger
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: baraka]
#1434635 - 04/06/03 09:58 PM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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I wish I never did shrooms, now they show me the bad side of things.
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http://www.myspace.com/4th25
"And I don't care if he was handcuffed
Then shot in his head
All I know is dead bodies
Can't fuck with me again"
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Xibalba
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: downforpot]
#1436851 - 04/07/03 04:58 PM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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>I wish I never did shrooms, now they show me the bad side of things.
If you think of the psychedelic experience in terms of cognitive liberty, might the old saying about those who would trade liberty for security apply here?
"Cognitive security" is a state most easily attained by denial or ignorance (which, as the even older saying goes, is bliss.) So if you don't want to be shown the bad side of things, by all means do not eat mushrooms. Find a nice dogma structure to devote your life to, preferably one that promises eternal paradise and has all the answers you need available in one book.
The harder path to take is to acknowledge that there is bad stuff- maybe even more of it than good stuff- find your own reasons to live and be happy in spite of it all.
Suffering balances out joy but does not negate it. The joy is still there.
However, to completely remove the suffering will negate the joy- because the only way that will happen is death.
So a mix of pain and pleasure (as our lives always are) is preferable to no feeling at all.
Or maybe just the desire to see all that can be seen is enough. (In the ironic words of our oppressors, "Scientia Est Potentia.")
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downforpot
Stranger
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: Xibalba]
#1436873 - 04/07/03 05:06 PM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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i have no idea what the fuck you just said.
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http://www.myspace.com/4th25
"And I don't care if he was handcuffed
Then shot in his head
All I know is dead bodies
Can't fuck with me again"
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Alobar
A Bucket of Lard
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: Xibalba]
#1436969 - 04/07/03 05:40 PM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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Nice post.
I was asked in my British Literature class today, "Why does Milton begin Paradise Lost with Satan and his army, and not Adam/Eve or God. Why does God allow Evil to exist?" I assumed that my prof. desired an answer from a Christian perspective.... And he cut me off when I went into the whole "balance" idea... So I hurried up and said hey, "The good is so much more satisfying when knowing about the alternative..." That brought on a nice little debate. 
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TripOnIn
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1439694 - 04/08/03 02:27 PM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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One thing to keep in mind is that your consiousness, has the ability to re-kindle the old you simply by calling on an uncousnious memory. As a religious person, simply have faith that you can overcome this confusion. Although reality is definatly questionable, the one thing to keep in mind is that YOU, and YOU alone create this reality. It is up to you to see yourself in the world around you (people, places, things). It is up to you to find an interest in things that once toyed with your curiosity. It is up to you to think a little less, and find something fun, forget about how it's spose to feel, and just everything wash over you as you drift through it. This life is like a movie
"Be a spectator"-Jesus
Child in a cage
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Zero7a1
Leaving YourWasteland
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1451647 - 04/11/03 06:02 PM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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have you ever read Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky? Have you ever seen the movie, What Dreams May Come? it might give you a second thought about Your Thoughts. Maybe there are things from the past that have been on a train heading for this point in your life, and maybe you just stumbled. and you need to pick yourself back up.
I know this is what ive been trying to do for the past 2 years now. and the following and previous is how i feel i relate to your situation. i hope it might give you a second thought.
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alluding to literature:
There is a quote in Crime and Punishment where a character is in dialogue talking about a new psychological therapy where logical argument was used to cure mental ailments. It was believed by one psychologist that no one was really crazy, but for some reason or another they just didnt understand the world. locked on the wrong path. Their constant view of chaos only further distorted their ability to rationalize the world around them.
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Trying to Remember each moment is a chance to turn your life completely around. That it may be rough, and get more rough, but thinking of it just as a new beginning. That its just a part of your life, and your going through a hard time are just some of the things that have helped bring me back around.
Island by aldous huxely was a wonderful book. and has taught me some things about excersized i could. For instance , If you ever think it gets too much and your in fear, you can just make that fear grow as fast and as much as you can. but in doing that you realize that its not so bad, and eventually you will stop thinking about it. because when it comes back around its dilluded by your maximizing its consitancy. weeding out the fear.
and there isnt much anyone can say that will help you out with it. its your subjective universe your in. just try to take it one day at a time. Ive tried not to resist things, because when you resist and fear thats when you get scared and sad and think about suicide. you just lock yourself into those thoughts.
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What?
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jorneyer
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: Zero7a1]
#1453981 - 04/13/03 12:11 AM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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Lucid;
I read your posts and am concerned... but not too much. It is clear that the shrooms have activated stuff that you have been burying. Ultimately they are a healing plant, given by God. If you are having trouble then you are going through a painful HEALING.
Another way to look at this is that you are enduring the "Dark night of the soul" which all spiritual seekers undergo eventually. You seem to have noticed that your problem stems from the incessant jabbering in your head. What is really happening is your Ego is dissolving. You are just stuck halfway. Good thing you got here for help the rest of the way.
Now, I want you to go back out to the lake where you stored up some power before. Bring any supplies which would seem positive. You will need to sit in meditation, maybe a few times. As you sit, just let be. Just be there, with no expectation and no judgement. You must dismantle your ego. This is difficult as you probably know because your ego thinks it is you. That is why you are having trouble right now, the real you is emerging, and the ego is resisting. Now, if you can just sit and *be* then you will soon see that you are separate from the jabbering in your head. You are observing the noise, the negative talk, but it is not YOU. You exist above and around that voice... it is contained in you.
But it thinks it is bigger than you... and you have believed it. That is why you need to sit, just sit and allow that calmness and space to come. Then you will be able to see that you are bigger and stronger than that negative voice in your head.
Good luck
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jorneyer
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: jorneyer]
#1454662 - 04/13/03 12:04 PM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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Give us a word, Lucid... we are worried about you
It's been 2 weeks since you posted
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: jorneyer]
#1454884 - 04/13/03 03:34 PM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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Hi Everyone,
Much much thanks to *everyone* for their kind words, adivce, inspiration and hope ! I'm still hanging in there (bad choice of words for a paranoid suicidal depressive nut ;-)
I've been put on meds and have started to see a psychologist, but I think the most help has come from people on this forum. I can't believe that people have been kind enough to take out the time to actually reply to me and try to help me (which is much more than what I can say for all the docs I've been to so far). I'm still very paranoid about imminent insanity, but I'm starting to feel slightly better than before. I've gained a *lot* of weight tho (20 Ibs) which has made me bit more depressed, but honestly, I'm not that concerned (if I can just get some level of mental stability back in my life and start to function I'll be happy). I don't have anyone to talk to (and I mean that litterally) since I just moved up to this city a couple of months ago and was just starting to settle in when I had the shroom nightmare. I've started meditating again and have been using all the techniques that people suggested here (listing my fears, trying to exagerate them in my mind, watching my thoughts, becomming present, etc) and put together they seem to have some helpful effect. It's just become a struggle to preserve basic mental and worldly functions.Unfortunately, I'm also starting to run out of money and my family is in no position to help me so I'm starting to worry about that too. But my priority is to get better first - somehow. Sometimes the depression is unbearable and all I can think about is swallowing the extensive benzo collection I've accumulated over time, but at least there seem to be fleeting moments (ever so brief) where I think "maybe this isn't permanent and I'll get through this depression and horror and be my old self again". I can't describe how terrible my depression is most of the times - I just feel like there's *absolutely nothing* that I could even imagine that would make me happy... utter dispair and hopelessness... even flowers seem hostile. It's becomming difficult to imagine why I used to mediate for days by the lake or stare enraptured at the beauty of flowers and the little things in life - but I must have found some joy in it since I do remember doing those things. I feel hollow from the inside now. Lifeless, bereft of joy. This has become my constant state. I walk out and I see most people smiling and I wonder "why are they smiling"... I can still smile, but it's only because I still remember how to make the facial expression... there doesn't seem to be any feeling behind the smile. I've obsessively been reading about bad trip reports on the net which only makes it worse - got to stop doing that, but I read somewhere that over 10 million people in the U.S. have taken shrooms (and many millions world wide), so I'm hoping that the number of people permenantly messed up by extreemly low doses of shrooms are extreeemly rare (need to get some statistics on my side, something to give me hope). I'll keep writing back to let everyone know how things are going. Thank u all sooo much for your kindness, support and friendship :-)
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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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enotake2
Stop Bush's war
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1455726 - 04/13/03 10:02 PM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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Hey dude,
If it helps, the percentage of people who stay chronically depressed is minute, let alone the number who stay chronically depressed from a shroom trip. You should be right, especially with the help of the antidepressants if they work (sometimes you have to try a few to get the right ones) and with the help of a psychologist. BTW further to my post from before, try to distract your mind with other things if you are trying to stop thinking about the negative stuff ie turn it to an activity or really anything else. I hope you mean you are trying to deflate the fears rather than exagerate them :S. Anyway, its great to hear you are doing a little better .
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Computer games don't affect kids. I mean if Pacman affected our generation as kids, we'd all be running around in a darkened room, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.
"Being bitter and hateful is like drinking a vial of poison and hoping the other person gets sick" FreakQLibrium
"My motto from here on out is: If someone or something (including me) in my life is conducting themselves in such a way that they can be seen on Jerry Springer, it's time to take out the garbage!!! When you stop taking their behaviour personally and see their antics as a true reflection on their character, it becomes absolutely nauseating." Anon. on abusive relationships.
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MarkostheGnostic
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1456453 - 04/14/03 05:58 AM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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You are correct about the life-changing effect of The Psychedelic Experience - it does forever 'psychedelicize your soul,' but it did not, as you rightly pointed out, create a problem. It sounds to me that after significantly stressful events such as you mention, that you have been in a state of almost complete denial; "I remained happy during seemingly terrible times." Those WERE terrible times, not seemingly terrible. Your defense mechanism is primarily denial, and the shrooms weakened its structure, revealing the underlying anxiety. You are not psychotic, but your anxiety is at a high point.
I used Ativan briefly, the day after my marriage failed and I somaticized the anxiety by creating cardiac arrhythmias (irregular heartbeat). It is a tranquilizer, and you can use it judiciously to take the edge off the anxiety so you can practice getting centered again on your own.
Additionally, as entertaining as Casteneda and Matrix and Fight Club are - they are merely fictions, not Scriptures. You would derive major benefit from a real spiritual Source at this time. As a matter of fact, this is perhaps a low point made especially for you as the opportunity to pray.
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γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself
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jorneyer
Stranger
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1456910 - 04/14/03 11:34 AM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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Good to see you! I was worried. Don't worry about the extra pounds- plenty of time to drop back to regular when you feel normal again. Plenty of demand for software engineers also. Maybe you can get medical UIC to get you through. Ask for help with the paperwork if you need it.
I am not a psychologist, so I hope you are talking to a professional about your feelings of suicide. I have had a depressive episode like the one you are experiencing. I don't recall the stats but a LOT of people may be diagnosed with depression sooner or later. Don't 'feel bad because you feel bad'.
And of course you will go back to normal... when I came through I could not imagine what it _was_ like. It's like popping out of a tunnel. You are in the tunnel right now... just remember that if you keep putting one foot in front of the other, you will come out the other side. I am not sure if this is really a 'bad trip' so don't fixate on bad trip reports. I want to repeat that your ego is what is doing the negative talking inside your head. You are not your ego.
Hang in there.
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MarkostheGnostic
Elder
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Posts: 14,279
Loc: South Florida
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: Xibalba]
#1457789 - 04/14/03 05:13 PM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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Good post, but I don't think that you should be so critical of Scriptures, be they the Bible or the Bhagavad Gita; the Torah or the Heart Sutra. Even the Qu'ran has to be recognized for the sheer number of Muslims on Earth, and with the understanding that it was a reaction in part to medieval Catholicism.
Dogmas are like the husk of a living kernal. The living kernal has left its impression, its form on the inside of the husk - a mere shell of its former, living Reality. Dogmas have a purpose - the preservation of a living faith. Unfortunately, like the Zennist's finger that points at the moon, there will always be more people who look only at the pointing finger. Good post nevertheless!
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γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself
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gnrm23
Carpal Tunnel
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
#1459894 - 04/15/03 10:17 AM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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so have you picked up that bottle of niacinamide from the vitamin store yet ?????????
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old enough to know better
not old enough to care
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: gnrm23]
#1460429 - 04/15/03 01:16 PM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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I've cleaned out the vitamin store (B1,B3,B6,B12,Cod Liver Oil, Lecithin, Vit E, Vit C, Folic Acid, etc).... Feeling pretty awful today :-( I guess some days are just worse than others. I wish I would stop thinking that I'm going to lose my mind or about horrible existential questions - I never doubted my sanity before... sigh... I'm living with a tormentor in my own head (I feel like I'm whacking myself on the head with a bottle while saying "oh I'm whacking myself on the head with a bottle, wish I'd stop doing that" - but it's different with thoughts)... sigh... feel really strange/surreal today and very confused...getting very tired. Wonder if they'll ever invent a pill for thoughts... "happy thought pill". Even when I start to feel good for a minute my mind immediately interjects and starts questioning "am I *really* feeling good", "what is feeling good"... it really zaps the fun out of anything. It's not like I'm schizophrenic, but, like everyone, there's many facets to me and I feel like I'm caught in an endless internal dialogue argument. Trying to "quiet the mind" "be the observing presence" and all that wonderful stuff, but it be hard... I can't thank everyone enough for their support, if it wasn't for the support from this list I probably wouldn't be alive right now. u people are the best !
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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
#1460648 - 04/15/03 02:19 PM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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I really doubt what you got is permanant...I've had some similar times in my life...they seem horrible at the time and like they'll never pass but they do....my advice is too see a shrink...I'm not even gonna pretend like I got the answer but I really doubt viatmins will do anything...in the mean time just try and not worry about it...say too yourself....if I'm insane so be it.....just let whats gonna happen happen..cause I think your just paranoid about losing your mind and being depressed forever and can't let go of those thoughts..vicious loop...but again I ain't no pro so see someone
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OctopusDr
Octi Doci
Registered: 02/03/03
Posts: 1,598
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: ]
#1460845 - 04/15/03 03:21 PM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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Why dont you start meditating agian. Like what you did to deal with your wife.
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enotake2
Stop Bush's war
Registered: 01/30/03
Posts: 1,457
Loc: Comfy chair in my lounger...
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: OctopusDr]
#1462854 - 04/16/03 02:02 AM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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He said he was seeing a shrink and meditating.
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Computer games don't affect kids. I mean if Pacman affected our generation as kids, we'd all be running around in a darkened room, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.
"Being bitter and hateful is like drinking a vial of poison and hoping the other person gets sick" FreakQLibrium
"My motto from here on out is: If someone or something (including me) in my life is conducting themselves in such a way that they can be seen on Jerry Springer, it's time to take out the garbage!!! When you stop taking their behaviour personally and see their antics as a true reflection on their character, it becomes absolutely nauseating." Anon. on abusive relationships.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
#1463664 - 04/16/03 11:55 AM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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- Post History Deleted Upon User's Request -
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MarkostheGnostic
Elder
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Posts: 14,279
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 Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: gnrm23]
#1464237 - 04/16/03 03:13 PM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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Nope, can't tolerate the stuff. Looks and feels like a case of poison sumac. Gonna maybe try polycosanol (expensive!) Red Yeast Rice was the best, but taxes the liver. Total Cholesterol went down to 166 on it. M.D. said the drop was better than what Mevacor produces. Now at 206. Triglycerides went down though from 60's to 47. HDL went up to 51 (>50 is good) but LDL should be <130 and is 146. I hope the homocystein just stays in solution and doesn't oxidize out into plaques. Not into angioplasty and stents - kills people on the table. Taking lots of antioxidents and flax seed oil on daily basis. Controlling carbs and watching glycemic indices for foods. Eating salmon and sardine.
How about you ? Taking care of yourself? I read in Stamets yesterday that Shittake consumption can drop serum cholesterol levels in a week, but he didn't say how much to eat.
Um...you were referring to cholesterol weren't you?...or are we talking psychiatic orthomolecular stuff, in which case, in the immortal words of Roseanne Roseanadana - "Never mind."
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γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
Registered: 03/29/03
Posts: 6,319
Loc: up on the bidet
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
#1465312 - 04/16/03 09:02 PM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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I think that sez it all Mark... I confer ;-)
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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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gnrm23
Carpal Tunnel
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Posts: 6,488
Loc: n. e. OH, USSA
Last seen: 2 months, 5 days
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
#1466383 - 04/17/03 06:12 AM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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ummmmm....
in the immortal words of scarlett o'hara, "i'll think about it tomorrow."
~
ya, i wonder about the scientologists' deal with massive doses of straight-up niacin & taking sauna for cholesterol reduction... i mean, ouch...
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that which i would do, i do not, and that which i would not do, i do... or sumthin like dat...
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oh ya, hoffer & al. for orthomolecular psychiatry, not for physiology-tweaking.. or not much, anyway...
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oy, i'm a year past due on my 50-year physical... must be time for at least a lube & oil change on this ol' beater chassis... heh...
~
~
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old enough to know better
not old enough to care
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twisted
member
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: gnrm23]
#1488282 - 04/24/03 02:01 AM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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depression is no joke ,shrooms can trigger it and zou should seek professional help and maybe medication(cemical balance in the brain can sometimes only be restored by medications),talking on the net may help you but if the situstion is really bad you should really seek for a god doc
wish you well
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Jesus! Did I say that?Or just think it? Was i talking ? Did they hear me?
http://www.fsre.org/
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slppe
the eye
Registered: 02/25/03
Posts: 401
Loc: tripped out
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: twisted]
#1488299 - 04/24/03 02:10 AM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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I think this guy was just being a tad over-dramatic...wonder how he's doing now 
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Strumpling
Neuronaut
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Posts: 7,571
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
#1488346 - 04/24/03 03:00 AM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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My biggest piece of advice would be to breathe and relax.
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Insert an "I think" mentally in front of eveything I say that seems sketchy, because I certainly don't KNOW much. Also; feel free to yell at me.
In addition: SHPONGLE
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: Strumpling]
#1488520 - 04/24/03 06:11 AM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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Hi Everyone,
I certainly was *not* being overdramatic. But I understand how someone who's never experienced such horror would think that I might be exagerating :-( I would have felt the same way before I took the shroom. But please trust me that I'm not exagerating even the slightest bit. I saw a psychologist twice (can't afford it anymore) and while she gave me some useful advice, no advice seems to comfort me for long anymore :-( sometimes people will say things that seem to really connect with me and I think "that's it, here's a thought I can use when I'm feeling horrible and suicidal" but the power of the advice seems to fade very quickly and I end up sinking into the depths of my horrible feelings. I've been on anti-depressants for a little over 2 weeks now. They seemed to help in the beginning but over the last couple of days I've been gradually feeling worse, my doc told me to double the dose, so that's what I started today. I hate being dependant on pills, and I doubt that chemicals can "fix" me so to speak, but they did seem to help a little bit when I first started on them. At this point I'm completely desperate. Someone told me that I should drop this New-Age mindful meditation (allowing my fearful depressive thoughts to "just be", and simply observing them), and constantly tell myself positive things and keep telling myself that I'm happy - as much as I think this strategy won't work, I've decided to give this a try too...
For a very short while I actually thought I might be recovering, and now I'm just slipping deeper into depression again :-( I wish I could just be happy, or even barely functional like everyone else. I can't concentrate on work at all anymore and they've hired someone to replace me, but I still have to go for a while and try to "train" this person on my project, but I can't even seem to do that.
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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
Registered: 03/29/03
Posts: 6,319
Loc: up on the bidet
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
#1488526 - 04/24/03 06:19 AM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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Sigh, just 3 months ago I was biking, dancing, skiing and appreciating all the little things in life... now I feel like even if God himself were to put me in heaven I'd still be miserable :-( I can't even imagine a situation or circumstances that would make me feel better.
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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
#1488873 - 04/24/03 09:39 AM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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stay strong.. it may suck, but life isn't about happy feelings all the time.. live through this pain.. not matter how bad it may be, and when you do come out if... i promise you, YOU WILL come out of it... life will never look so beautiful.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
#1488895 - 04/24/03 09:49 AM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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- Post History Deleted Upon User's Request -
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
Registered: 03/29/03
Posts: 6,319
Loc: up on the bidet
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: ]
#1488896 - 04/24/03 09:49 AM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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Thanks !
I spoke with my brother this morning, he was very upset with me... he said that I wasn't even trying and that I was just causing the whole family a lot of grief. He said it's very easy to just give up and say that I'm depressed.
I realized he's right, and I so wish I could just yank myself out of this and stop causing myself and everyone around me so much pain.
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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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Strumpling
Neuronaut
Registered: 10/11/02
Posts: 7,571
Loc: Hyperspace
Last seen: 12 years, 6 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
#1489058 - 04/24/03 11:01 AM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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What are you doing with your time?
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Insert an "I think" mentally in front of eveything I say that seems sketchy, because I certainly don't KNOW much. Also; feel free to yell at me.
In addition: SHPONGLE
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ruskifile
droog
Registered: 05/11/02
Posts: 258
Loc: nowhere
Last seen: 16 years, 21 days
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid] 1
#1489474 - 04/24/03 12:49 PM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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I understand your desperation, lucid...
and it must be truly awful 
But if you turn around and start beating up yourself for not yanking yourself out of it, and believing you've let your family down, you'll sink deeper as those self-condemning thoughts will actually grow and get stronger the more you allow them entry to your mind, and these type of thoughts will cause you to feel worse.
I don't think you've 'given up'; you just don't quite know what to do to feel different...neither did I for years until I found I myself was causing most of it by having constant uncontrolled negative thoughts. It's very hard to know what to do to help yourself if you don't know what is causing your pain at the initial stage...
Whatever thoughts you have, will attract more of those type of thoughts
...After a lifetime of depression I finally found out (after 25 years of torment!) that my own obsessively negative thoughts were actively sustaining my own level of suffering...
So you are right about having to put some completely different input (ie positive thoughts) into your mind, for the feelings to follow this direction.
...thoughts are like the seeds of feelings, which in turn lead to the type of actions you perform (beneficial or harmful) and then even to the type of life you experience (happy or miserable)...& it all starts with the quality of your thoughts. We are truly what we think...
try this:
Just pretend if you were an actor & had to consciously imagine what sort of thoughts you would need to create (about yourself in particular) in order to convincingly portray a happy person...and you begin to see that's exactly what has to be done to actually feel different. It's just that naturally positive people don't need to keep doing it consciously all the time as this is already an ingrained habit...
...for the rest of us it just has to become one... deliberately
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(zhukov in a previous life....)
2SER FM underground radio
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Strumpling
Neuronaut
Registered: 10/11/02
Posts: 7,571
Loc: Hyperspace
Last seen: 12 years, 6 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
#1489922 - 04/24/03 02:47 PM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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yeah I agree with ruskifile with regards to not being to hard on yourself.. Its easy to slip into a downward spiral and then make it worse by condeming yourself - it creates a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts, where the simple fact that you believe so deeply that you're screwed, makes you screwed, and that the biggest problem was that you thought something was majorly wrong.
Of course, don't just ignore these issues either but have some confidence man - you'll be ok. You're breathing, your heart is beating (fast, maybe, but beating); you're OK for now
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Insert an "I think" mentally in front of eveything I say that seems sketchy, because I certainly don't KNOW much. Also; feel free to yell at me.
In addition: SHPONGLE
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MarkostheGnostic
Elder
Registered: 12/09/99
Posts: 14,279
Loc: South Florida
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
#1494252 - 04/25/03 07:44 PM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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If you can read, I'd like to suggest a book that is a helpful follow-up for certain clients that I see for hypnotherapy. It helps them to become 'conversant between the planes,' so-to-speak, which means that it helps them to continuously return to the deep fulfilling state of consciousness that they were able to achieve initially, with my assistance, in the consulting room. The book is: 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle. This book is unique in its ability to direct one's mind to one's Center, even as one reads it. Consider this to be bibliotherapy, which is a useful psychotherapeutic adjunct to the therapy session.
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γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
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Posts: 6,319
Loc: up on the bidet
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
#1520062 - 05/04/03 06:09 PM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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Hi Everyone,
I've been spiraling into the throes of a very deep depression :-(
I've done just about everything I could think of, read dozens of
books on psyc, meditation, spirituality, seen a psychologist, and
have been taking *heavy* SSRI (Effexor) doses for a month now...
but things don't seem to be improving much. I feel exhausted by
being in constant anguish... not sure how much longer I can
bear this. I feel I've tried so many things and nothing seems to
have helped, so I feel even more hopeless. I feel like screaming
from the pain of being depressed all the time. No one seems to
understand what it's like - my family keeps asking me to "describe"
what I feel, but it's beyond description - it's just *horrible* and
painful and terrifying and I can't describe it beyone that and I
wish people would stop asking me to. I'm not even so sure what
(if anything) I'm specifically depressed about - everything, life itself, just
seems meaningless, horrible, alien, hostile, hellish. I've almost forgotten
what it's like to be happy (but I know I didn't feel like this before
I took the shroom - I've *never* felt this way before I took the shroom).
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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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Strumpling
Neuronaut
Registered: 10/11/02
Posts: 7,571
Loc: Hyperspace
Last seen: 12 years, 6 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
#1520248 - 05/04/03 07:26 PM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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Sounds like its time for you to get a hobby or something, man..... Being depressed is no excuse to not go on with life, and you can't change the past, so move on dude
you're thinking "easier said than done" but what else are we supposed to tell you lol stop hating yourself and maybe get a different job, find some new friends, buy some new books, get some new music, and move on
If life's kicking you around, kick it back.
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Insert an "I think" mentally in front of eveything I say that seems sketchy, because I certainly don't KNOW much. Also; feel free to yell at me.
In addition: SHPONGLE
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In(di)go
People of the sun.
Registered: 10/29/00
Posts: 8,157
Loc: Cologne, Germany
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1520297 - 05/04/03 07:50 PM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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lucid: YOU ARE FINE... take it from me, because i know exactly what you are going through..
i was lost on dxm for 2 long weeks... up until that point i had lead what you could call complete happiness... of course my life hasnt been a cany-bar, but just like you i would be able to smile through the toughest times and know that things will come to me... i enjoyed weed, shrooms & lsd and despite a few bad trips, i had a great time discovering my mind and my spiritual connection with the one and only holy divine beeing that some may call god... but i wasnt prepared for dxm... it was the worst nightmare i ever had, and when i woke from a pitch black sleep the next day, i was still lost in that place... i felt exactly what you are describing now... "what if i went crazy? what if im screwed for life? what if ill never be able to work again? what will my family do?" all those questions running through your head... and the more i thought about the possibility of permanent madness, the more i sunk into that hole... until i started getting grasp of my thoughts... not only beeing able to quiet my mind (which, like in your case wouldnt stop the anxiety), but beeing able to transform my thoughts into a positive pattern... i got back from the vacation where i took the "trip", and returned to work... it wasnt easy and i was scared as hell that i wouldnt be able to function normally and perform the needed tasks... but i was... i kept judging me and thinking im all wrong and im crippled... but i wasnt, i was able to do everything i had done until then with the same quality of craftsmanship... and whats even more: people didnt even notice of my "change" unless i told them... i wont lie to you... it took me a LONG time to get over what happened... about 1 year after the incident i would still have at least 1 night of complete insomnia every month... but it has faded, i have regained control over myself and over my mind... and i am NOT crippled, NOR crazy... i have changed, tho... but for good... i have become much stronger, much more self-aware of myself and my thoughts... and above all of the way my thoughts influence the way i percieve reality... so hang in there, my friend... look at yourself... you have even been able to post and describe your condition with almost no mistake at all... always remember: everything happens for a reason... i know my incident did... because i have evolved from it... i have learned and i can say i am a better man now...
so that is my advice... try doing some normal stuff... it will be like re-learning everything you know... which was kinda fun for me... because i had the feeling of "hey! im able to do this" all over again... youll see that you are fine... try to look at it as an oportunity...
all my best wishes go out to you... im with you in thoughts... and in spirit... be strong
ps: you might be interested in the "conversations with god" trylogy, written by neale donald walsh... amazing books, which have rescued my time after time... you should give them a try...
ps2: and about the one thought you keep having, rest assured: this world is NOT real... nor are your thoughts, as a matter of fact... and that gives you the chance to get rid of them, because they are not real... instead of fighting them, accept them... and ask them what they are trying to tell you...
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enotake2
Stop Bush's war
Registered: 01/30/03
Posts: 1,457
Loc: Comfy chair in my lounger...
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
#1521201 - 05/05/03 03:35 AM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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I'm not so sure that you are fine. Why don't you visit the hospital and get them to sort it out. I've worked in a psychiatric hospital for 3 years doing research and most hospital stays seem to be less than 2 weeks. They aim to keep you in for as little time as possible these days, its not like the 50s when you could spend a long time there. They can work out your medication which doesn't seem to be working at present, and give you some respite. I don't mean to scare you, its up to you. Many cases of severe depression can be sorted out in the community, it just may be sorted out a bit quicker in hospital. I mean it seems like the depression is affecting your functioning in every aspect of your life at the moment.
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Computer games don't affect kids. I mean if Pacman affected our generation as kids, we'd all be running around in a darkened room, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.
"Being bitter and hateful is like drinking a vial of poison and hoping the other person gets sick" FreakQLibrium
"My motto from here on out is: If someone or something (including me) in my life is conducting themselves in such a way that they can be seen on Jerry Springer, it's time to take out the garbage!!! When you stop taking their behaviour personally and see their antics as a true reflection on their character, it becomes absolutely nauseating." Anon. on abusive relationships.
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
Registered: 03/29/03
Posts: 6,319
Loc: up on the bidet
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: enotake2]
#1534275 - 05/09/03 10:21 AM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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Hey Everyone,
A word of advice to anyone in a similar situation as I am... do *NOT* go to the ER in a hospital and tell them that u feel suicidal as a means of getting to see a psychiatrist. I made this mistake (at my physicians advice) and had an absolutely *terrifying* experience. They could drive a person mad/to suicide even if he isn't inclined as such. The most frightning part was that seemed extreemly eager to lock up and restrain anyone. They took all my cloths, posessions, even shoes and socks, and kept asking me "where do u think you're going ?" and "you're not going anywhere..." every time I'd go to the bathroom... I almost had a panic attack from the frightful thought that they'd lock me up and sedate me agaisnt my will. They even look at your like you're crazy even if your just depressed. They put me in a room with someone who thought he was Jesus. All in all it was a *really bad* experience and it took all my wits to lie to them and tell them I was find and not too depressed and that this was just a means of seeing a psych (which is partially true - i.e. that was the idea, but I had to lie about the severity of the depression and suicidal thoughts). No one there really wanted to hear me out and talk to me. Sigh, I'll post the details over this weekend, at work now...
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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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Strumpling
Neuronaut
Registered: 10/11/02
Posts: 7,571
Loc: Hyperspace
Last seen: 12 years, 6 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
#1534367 - 05/09/03 11:12 AM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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You'd rather kill yourself than change yourself?
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Insert an "I think" mentally in front of eveything I say that seems sketchy, because I certainly don't KNOW much. Also; feel free to yell at me.
In addition: SHPONGLE
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
Registered: 03/29/03
Posts: 6,319
Loc: up on the bidet
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: Strumpling]
#1534448 - 05/09/03 11:41 AM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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Hi Strumpling, I don't recall saying that I would "rather kill myself than change"... I'm wondering what gave u that impression ?
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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
Registered: 03/29/03
Posts: 6,319
Loc: up on the bidet
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
#1534456 - 05/09/03 11:44 AM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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I was pointing out that, in my particular experience, going to the ER and telling them I had suicidal thoughts (which I'm sure every person has bumped against at some point in their lives) was a very negative experience, hardly conducive to positive change...
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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
Registered: 03/29/03
Posts: 6,319
Loc: up on the bidet
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
#1534474 - 05/09/03 11:48 AM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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I'd like to point out that most of my life has been dedicated to trying to transformation and trying to change in positive ways.... perhaps that's part of the problem, I need to learn to be a bit more accepting of my fear, pain, depression and negative aspects (as the Buddha would point out "surrender to what is/ acceptance is the key to the end of suffering (note: not the end of pain, but rather suffering - subtle diff there)")... I recognize this, but it's easier said than done.
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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
Registered: 03/29/03
Posts: 6,319
Loc: up on the bidet
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
#1534501 - 05/09/03 11:54 AM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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I would rather become a glowing luminosity of enlightment and kindle joy and happiness everywhere :-)... but right now I'm depressed and wondering what the point of it all is (more on that later)... btw, there are severely negative conotations in the phrase "*kill* yourself". I've always believed (even when I wasn't considering suicide personally) that one's choice of life/death is a personal issue (yes I realize this is a very/age old debatable issue). If I choose to end my life, I don't think that automatically implies that my judgement is hampered and that it's societies "duty" to "save me from myself" (in some cultures suicide is considered honerable etc).
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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
Registered: 03/29/03
Posts: 6,319
Loc: up on the bidet
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1534598 - 05/09/03 12:29 PM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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I think it's unfortunate that suicide is considered such
a taboo... "Aaaa... he's thinking of such *daaangerous*
ideas ! let's lock him up before he infects everyone else..."
I think that when one *seriously* and *honestly* starts
to seek the Truth, and answers to the meaning of life/existence,
pain, suffering, happiness etc and when one truely,
fearlessly and openly delves into these questions,
with a keen intent of not holding back (because if you're
holding back then one could argue that you're not really
seeking the truth but, rather, simply to confirm something
u already know - I realize this is a tricky subject),
then one will inevitably bump up against the question
of suicide and why most people choose to live (is it
simply because we're so swept up in the stream of life
that we never ask the question ? or are we so afraid
to ask the question because of our conditioned upbringing ?).
I don't like to be afraid... that's why my bad shroom trip
bothered me so much... I'd rather be able to face my fear
(which I know I'm not able to right now). I certainly detest
the idea of being afraid of my own thoughts... fearing
what my mind could come up with...living by constantly trying to
distract my mind and struggle to think of positive things
and not think of anything negative...how long could one
run...that's a tragic and tiresome existance...
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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
Registered: 03/29/03
Posts: 6,319
Loc: up on the bidet
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1534670 - 05/09/03 12:50 PM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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So, I'm curious... have any of you, people of the shroom, *truely* considered why u live on ? and I mean *truely* considered (i.e. sat down and contemplated about it, not just a cursory reflection). And I don't mean answers like "well I'm looking forward to the future, graduation, sex etc"... I mean contemplated it deaper than that. After all death implies nothingness... no experience... hence I don't get the whole concept of fear of death... how could one be afraid of "not experiencing" something ? that would be akin to me telling u: "I know of an experience, called A, but btw, 'I know for a fact that you will never experience A, regardless of whether it's good or bad'" - it wouldn't make sense to get frightened over that would it ? I realize many people live on because of family etc, and I'm wondering if there are other reasons (one could be happy and still contemplate the possibility of nonexistance) ? or does it come down to "well, there isn't really a reason"... "it's just because...", like the usual "why did u climb the mountain ?... because it was there..."
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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1534716 - 05/09/03 01:10 PM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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- Post History Deleted Upon User's Request -
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Strumpling
Neuronaut
Registered: 10/11/02
Posts: 7,571
Loc: Hyperspace
Last seen: 12 years, 6 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1535439 - 05/09/03 05:44 PM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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"I don't recall saying that I would "rather kill myself than change"... I'm wondering what gave u that impression?"
Nothing gave me that impression, I'm just making sure you're on the right side of the fence... However, this is what caused me to wonder: "it took all my wits to lie to them and tell them I was find[sic] and not too depressed and that this was just a means of seeing a psych (which is partially true - i.e. that was the idea, but I had to lie about the severity of the depression and suicidal thoughts)."
heh regardless, I just wanted to pose that question to you as a means for you thinking about why you go on, which leads to the following:
"have any of you... *truely* considered why u live on?"
Why yes I have Why do I go on? Because I don't want to abandon the rest of the sufferers, you know? We're all in this hell-hole together, and we've all gotta stick around to help eachother get through "alive."
Besides, I don't want to miss out on the tons of killer gadgets and technologies we're only beginning to dream up
Things may be bad for you man, but you have to remember there are good times too, and that if you keep going you'll realize the balance and be able to either make or take whatever comes as a positive - don't forget there are tons of people "worse-off" (isn't that amazing?) in other countries, and they're not even THINKING about suicide..... I think this says a lot about our society when there are people who have to TRY to NOT kill themselves on a monthly, weekly, daily, or even hourly basis (various convicts have to be on suicide watch), so don't feel alone - The most important part of my semi-recovery from depression was realizing that I'm not alone in my suffering, and that killing myself would only make it a tad harder on other sufferers
I go on because I can't imagine leaving everybody behind intentionally
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Insert an "I think" mentally in front of eveything I say that seems sketchy, because I certainly don't KNOW much. Also; feel free to yell at me.
In addition: SHPONGLE
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pattern
multiplayer
Registered: 07/19/02
Posts: 2,185
Loc: Canada
Last seen: 3 years, 8 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1536715 - 05/10/03 09:43 AM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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Maybe this doesnt help but let me share it:
I've been having suicidal thoughts for ten years. I have mental conversations with myself that can last 10 minutes to two hours, all on the subject of killing myself, when and how, and why I should. Then it clicked. "Ive been convinced, for ten years, that I will kill myself right away". But its been ten years, why havent I done it? Maybe these thoughts are just something I have to live with and overcome... yeah it sucks but maybe thats the price I gotta pay to live. Its all about becoming more conscious about your thoughts, analyzing them from a higher level.
Give your mind more time to realize what is going on.
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man = monkey + mushroom
Edited by pattern (05/10/03 09:45 AM)
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shr00m
junglisT 2 thefUll3st
Registered: 05/01/03
Posts: 801
Last seen: 14 years, 5 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: Strumpling]
#1540323 - 05/11/03 11:06 PM (20 years, 7 months ago) |
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your mind is your worse enemy. trying to tame it with mediation and shit doesnt seem right to me.
like if you are feeling down you dont cover it up with meditating. you accept what the hell has happened to you and go on. live with it and try bettering it by not always thinking about it too much.
i was really shocked when you described your family and where you are in life, etc. i am in no way saying this to offend you but you should of done some research before shrooming. and i dont think it was a great time to do them either(parents living with u and g/f leaving, etc.)
thats one of the things why i think it caused your problem. or it could be (i could be wrong) that you bottled yourself with always good memories when you knew their was bad things going around u. like you didn't want any part of badness and just always wanted happyness. you cant be happy always and trying to tame your mind to do so is bad(imo).
our brain has both good and bad memories.
just my thoughts....
(again, please read with the thought that I mean no offense at all.)
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the only constant is change~ life goes on. so theres no point in staying back because you can always catch up. try,hope, and understand!
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FreakQlibrium
Son of Uncle Meat
Registered: 06/06/02
Posts: 19,058
Loc: Toronto Canada
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
#1555872 - 05/17/03 08:14 AM (20 years, 6 months ago) |
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I would rather become a glowing luminosity of enlightment and kindle joy and happiness everywhere :-)...
THat you wish to become Lucid, you already ARE...it's just a matter of remembering your TRUE nature, you are NOT your depressed/negative thoughts my friend....not at all, there are many paths back home. Sometimes it's in our darkest hour that we find the one that is ours and ours alone.......i wish you luck in finding yours
Freak
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"Being crazier than a shithouse rat is not sufficient grounds for banishment"
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FreakQlibrium
Son of Uncle Meat
Registered: 06/06/02
Posts: 19,058
Loc: Toronto Canada
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: FreakQlibrium]
#1555883 - 05/17/03 08:20 AM (20 years, 6 months ago) |
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Markos recommeded a book:"the Power of NOW" by Eckart Tolle, i'd like to 2nd that recommendation and also suggest possibly: "Communion with God" i "think" it's the 4th in the series of Neale Donald Walsh books, it deals in detail with the ten most common illusions of mankind which are interwoven and help to propagate our collective misery as a species both on a macroismic level as well as on individual level, i think you might find it helpful...
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"Being crazier than a shithouse rat is not sufficient grounds for banishment"
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
Registered: 03/29/03
Posts: 6,319
Loc: up on the bidet
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: FreakQlibrium]
#1556141 - 05/17/03 12:17 PM (20 years, 6 months ago) |
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Hi FreakQlibrium,
Much Thanks for the kind supportive words :-)
Lately I live in constant angst (and trust me I'm not
exagerating - no need to lie on a forum where I'm
anonymous). Much of the time I try to simply accept
the pain I feel inside, and at other times when it's
just unbearable I try just about anything else I can
(think positive, etc). Lately, when I'm at work and
the pain is too much, I just lock myself in the bathroom
- I think people are beginning to notice my unusually
long jaunts to the bathroom. It's hard to describe the
"pain" to people... it's like a paralyzing rush of fear
that takes over and feels like it has no end in duration
or intensity. There are many reasons to this feeling
that I "understand" and am aware of at an intellectual
level, but yet, these understandings don't seem to
"solve the problem of pain". Most of the time I try to
just observe the pain, disidentify from it and realize it's
not who I am, but, after all, I'm human and I have my limits...
try telling someone with major 3rd degree burns to
"just be with the pain". Every has their limits - I'm sure
every can imagine a scenario so horrifying that they
wouldn't be able to endure it and would choose to end
their life instead. Obviously I havn't hit this limit yet - I'm
still here, but for how long I don't know. I have a very
high threshold for pain (and no I'm not being egotistical,
it's simply something I've noticed). I used to bike 60 miles
a day (no that's not a type - 400 miles a week) without food
when I was training for racing. But that pain was nothing
compared to what I feel right now. This pain is truely humbling,
I feel at it's mercy.
I think my greatest fear is of ending my life and going to hell...
This has been deeply ingrained in my upbringing. Even though
I've pondered over this considerably, and it goes against
every thought/feeling that I have, fear is a powerful force.
Even if there is a remote possibility that there is a God who
would condemn me to eternal damnation (and we're talking
"eternal" here - consider the horror of that... never ending
limitless pain), it's terrifying. Of course I realize that many
religions would have me believe that I'm doomed to such a fate
anyways because I don't believe in the specifics of their
religion, but for some reason I don't believe in such ideas
- strange. But the possiblity of suicide leading to eternal hell
seems very real to me. Part of me feels ridiculous for thinking/beliving
this. Ironic, but my fear of committing suicidie and going
to hell is driving me to suicide.
The "Conversations with God" series is brilliant. I've been perusing
through it as well as other Walsh books. Tolle's book and CD's are
quite powerful as well. Lately, since I've aquired a buddha belly and
all athletic endevors have come to an end, I've been reading a lot.
Here's some insightful books that I've read/been reading, hopefully
they'll help someone on the list who's going throught a similar
tough time:
1. Power of Now, Practicing the Power of Now,
Even the Sun will Die, Living the Liberated Life, Realization of Being
(all by Eckhart Tolle)
2. Thoughts without a Thinker, Going to Pieces without Falling Apart (Mark Epstein)
3. Full Catastrophe Living, Whereever u go there u are (Jon Kabat Zinn)
4. Comfortable with Uncertainty (Pema Chodron)
5. The problem of Pain (C.S. Lewis)
6. On God, Meaning of Life (Krishnamurti) - amazing, for someone who
allegedly had an empty/quiet mind, he sure came up with some
profoundly insightful thoughts
7. Zen and the rediscovery of the Obvious
8. Walsh's Conversations with God series
9. The Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy (my favourite :-)
BTW, I absolutely *LOVE* this forum !!!!!!
The only people who I can relate to are on this forum... and no that's not sad
at all...
perhaps it's because we have one very important thing in common...
we've all experienced something which has made us "know", and I don't
mean just intellectualize, I mean "really know" (i.e. through direct
experience) that there is more to life that the constant
accumulation of material possessions... I don't claim to know
what that "more" is... or whether I'm sure it's good or bad, or
whether there is a way of entering that state and abiding in
it willfully... but I feel that it does exist... and I have
a sense (perhaps just a romantic wishful notion) that it's
good...
I know what you're thinking... non-sense comming from a suicidal depressive...
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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
#1556167 - 05/17/03 12:33 PM (20 years, 6 months ago) |
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- Post History Deleted Upon User's Request -
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FreakQlibrium
Son of Uncle Meat
Registered: 06/06/02
Posts: 19,058
Loc: Toronto Canada
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
#1556185 - 05/17/03 12:49 PM (20 years, 6 months ago) |
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Lucid sez: Regardless, it's impossible to "know" love without attachment until the day u truely experience it yourself. All else is intellectual masterbation ;-) (pls excuse the explicit analogy)
Freak sez:
"That wasn't intellectual masterbation at all my friend. You put that beautifully, one either knows(Love=Conciousness=Wisdom) through direct experience("knowledge through identity") or one does not know at all..... Love while attached to objects remains sentimental at best and is like tasting one drop of the eternal ocean....now THAT lol, is mental masterbation"
I know what you're thinking... non-sense comming from a suicidal depressive...
Lucid, i can assure you my friend that i am thinking NO such thing...the fact that you have read all those books and been able(B4 "buddha belly" lol) focus on your training to such an extreme extent shows that you can apply yourself when you want to....what i DO see is someone who doesn't give themselves nearly enough credit.....your comment in S & P blew me out of the water, it's like you're SO close to wisdom that you're blinded by it's light....i get the feeling that when you get yourself sorted out, you'll probably be one of the (too) few that is so good at helping others, PLEASE don't check out now or your life will have been for naught....
it's like a paralyzing rush of fear
Man from the time i was 19 til my L8 20's i had do do valium and alchohol just to go out and cut the grass,walk down the street etc. i know all about anxiety, social and otherwise.....i was totally dysfuntional(i suspect i may have had a pre existing condition and doing a lot of acid, mescaling psilocybin etc may have accerbated(?) what problems i already had. What finally got me over it was having NO other choice but to sink or swim(sounds a bit like maybe where you are now)....i know i mentioned this somewhere else in this forum in some detail and i don't want to be redundant.....
Just let me say that there i was, no money, too dysfuntionbal to work(not too "lazy", i used to workout with weights 6 days a week, 2 hours at a time), no family, no friends etc, yet it was in that most trying of times i was able to solve most of my fuckups....i HAD to overcome my lack of self conficdence, fear and anxiety or perish....it really was that "black and white" no it wasn't easy at all but i did it and i'm a lot more together a person today that i was back then...
For me it'a a miracle i can even go shopping,be out in public by myself without needed to be stoned/high on drugs.......again though, that was only MY path, i'm not trying to suggest it be yours as well, just trying to offer you a view from when i was at my lowest to where i am now........i no longer "get depressed" or feel lonely or any of that stuff......i'm truly at peace with myself, most of the anger and negativity has left me, i hope you decide to hang around and work out your stuff, no matter HOW difficult it may seem today, i think in time you'll just see everything you are now going through as some sort of a bad dream as opposed to "the reality" it sems to be to you now......best of luck
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"Being crazier than a shithouse rat is not sufficient grounds for banishment"
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
Registered: 03/29/03
Posts: 6,319
Loc: up on the bidet
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: FreakQlibrium]
#1556299 - 05/17/03 02:08 PM (20 years, 6 months ago) |
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Man, u people are the best !
Thanks again FreakQlibrium :-)
u're absolutely right, when life pushes one to the extreeme, spiritual evolution becomes urgent. I feel I'm close to uncovering/realizing something about myself and about life but I'm not sure what... and I'm not sure if it'll just cause me more pain, and that frightens me even more. Lately, when I meditate, I can sense myself getting closer to something deep within, and I panic and withdraw - I'm honestly too afraid to face whatever it is and I'm terrfied that I might lose my mind if I do face it.
I see myself as a tiny cell in the cosmic organism, right now I am faced with fears, emotions and feeling that are a concequence of our collective genetic and social conditioning, our history and our evolution. I don't quite understand who, where or why I am. I've been told that this is dangerous questioning, inevitably leading to torment and insanity. Perhaps they're right and perhaps right now I should be out there buying the latest gadget or looking for that someone special who will solve all my problems (seeking enlightned godess for transendental union ;-).
But... I choose to seek and understand, both myself and world that I live in. I also think that there is a "realization" (for lack of a better word) beyond thought where things make sense and where one is at peace - I've had very fleeting glimpses of this in the past, but I don't know if it can ever be more than fleeting glimpses. I just hope that being consumed by fear is not our primary state.
Sticking with the analogy of being a tiny cell, part of a larger organism, perhaps my purpose is to contemplate and to try to understand and just maybe some good will come out of that and I'll be able to help out other cells for a greater good.
At the very least I hope I'll be able to pull myself together and stop tormenting u folks with my psycho babble :-)
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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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FreakQlibrium
Son of Uncle Meat
Registered: 06/06/02
Posts: 19,058
Loc: Toronto Canada
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
#1556593 - 05/17/03 05:30 PM (20 years, 6 months ago) |
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Perhaps they're right and perhaps right now I should be out there buying the latest gadget or looking for that someone special who will solve all my problems (seeking enlightned godess for transendental union ;-). "
Like 99% or the species you mean? and YES!!! by all means DO seek to drown your pain/fear/depression in another as a bandaid solution( i KNOW you were J/K btw ) , i mean it is SO socially acceptable, in fact, if you DON't choose that particular "path" society tends to view you as a loser or "reject" LOL!
Talk about a bandaid solution....is it no wonder when the "love object"(significant other) for ANY reason gets ripped away that we feel pain and attribute that pain to the fact that the love object is gone.....that's like blaming the removal of an actual johnson & Johnson's bandaid for being responsible for the wound that it (temporarily) served to cover/obfuscate......
i read how easily(relativly anyway) it was for you to overcome your divorce, normally that would have totally DEVASTED most regular people...........Lucid, you got the power man, and you may very well need all of it right now but....it's THERE man, pls believe that.........think of the pain/confusion(temporarily projecting my human intellect) that a larvae undergoes before morphing into it's own REAL nature(a butterfly).....it's all going to work out for you man, i know it
Best wishes,
Freak
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"Being crazier than a shithouse rat is not sufficient grounds for banishment"
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
Registered: 03/29/03
Posts: 6,319
Loc: up on the bidet
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1699486 - 07/09/03 12:00 PM (20 years, 5 months ago) |
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Hey everyone,
Just wanted to thank everyone who helped me out
so 4 months later, I'm still alive, but still stuck in bad
anxiety/depression
Had gotten addicted to the shroomery so I forced myself
to take a break for a short while from posting, but
ze urge is back 
I was starting to feel a bit better, but then over the
past few days felt progressively worse culminating in
terrifying nightmares last night (Although, that might
be due to high doses of Desyrel - Trazodone - that my
doc recently prescribed to help me sleep). Feel like
a totally messed up human being 
I'm currently trying to get disability, but I'm not
sure if it'll work out. Can't believe I havn't recovered
after so much time. I think I'll need to figure out a way
to live with this condition. I'm seeing a shrink btw, but
she doesn't seem very competant (just being honest - she
gave me little photocopies of articles which seem to explain
anxiety as if the reader was a 2 yr old - complete with
silly baby bear pictures and electrified cats).
A friend of mine had suggested that I might be going
thro "Kundalini" a while ago. I dismissed this as New Age
tripe... but now, out of sheer desperation, I'm just wondering
if anyone here is familiar with Kundalini and if there's any
scientific basis to it at all...
love this place 
--------------------
"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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pigsnzen
Stranger
Registered: 07/12/03
Posts: 1
Last seen: 19 years, 16 days
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
#1707923 - 07/12/03 04:16 AM (20 years, 5 months ago) |
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I had a friend who exhibited similar symptoms after tripping once. Panic attacks, depression, suicidal thoughts. Dr's put him on SSRIs, benzos, etc.
Turned out he had a thyroid imbalance. They nuked his thyroid (no kidding - to slow it down) and he is 100% back to normal now.
Have you had a full blood work up done? I would investigate that as a possibility.
Good luck with everything and I hope you find the Peace you seem to need in your life.
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mntlfngrs
The Art of Casterbation
Registered: 07/18/02
Posts: 3,937
Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1707953 - 07/12/03 05:09 AM (20 years, 5 months ago) |
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Wow man, I hadn't read this before and actualy I didn't read all the repies. I feel for you man. I tend to agree with a few that said that you may have been repressing all these bad things that had been going on in your life. You sound like you are a realy good person and have a great outlook. I might suggest hypnosis/regression therepy. I realy hope you don't decide to end it like you seem to have considered. If it were me, before I made any decision so permanent I would think about trying to bring myself full circle by the same means that turned you 180 from where you started. I'm not telling you to take shrooms again because I wouldn't want to be responsible for what happens if it were to go badly. but if all else fails it might be woth a thought. Although I'm sure the thought of that mush be terrifying to you. Often the solution resides in the problem.
Good luck to you man and I hope you find your peace.
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Be all and you'll be to end all
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mntlfngrs
The Art of Casterbation
Registered: 07/18/02
Posts: 3,937
Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1707964 - 07/12/03 05:19 AM (20 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
lucid said:
So, I'm curious... have any of you, people of the shroom, *truely* considered why u live on ? and I mean *truely* considered (i.e. sat down and contemplated about it, not just a cursory reflection). And I don't mean answers like "well I'm looking forward to the future, graduation, sex etc"... I mean contemplated it deaper than that. After all death implies nothingness... no experience... hence I don't get the whole concept of fear of death... how could one be afraid of "not experiencing" something ? that would be akin to me telling u: "I know of an experience, called A, but btw, 'I know for a fact that you will never experience A, regardless of whether it's good or bad'" - it wouldn't make sense to get frightened over that would it ? I realize many people live on because of family etc, and I'm wondering if there are other reasons (one could be happy and still contemplate the possibility of nonexistance) ? or does it come down to "well, there isn't really a reason"... "it's just because...", like the usual "why did u climb the mountain ?... because it was there..."
I considered suicide one time on LSD contemplating similre things and the worlds problems. It wasn't out of depression or anything I just figured that the main problem was too many people in the world and I was going to take responsibility and do my part to make less people. Glad I didn't do that. Thanks to my friend who simply said that I shouldn't make those decisions while on acid. Good advice.
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Be all and you'll be to end all
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enotake2
Stop Bush's war
Registered: 01/30/03
Posts: 1,457
Loc: Comfy chair in my lounger...
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: mntlfngrs]
#1707990 - 07/12/03 06:06 AM (20 years, 5 months ago) |
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Yeah, that might not be a bad idea to get a thyroid function test done. Symptoms of hypothyroidism include depression, wieght gain, mental and physical slowing, constipation, sensitivity to cold, slowed pulse, among other things, if any of those things soumd familiar.
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Computer games don't affect kids. I mean if Pacman affected our generation as kids, we'd all be running around in a darkened room, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.
"Being bitter and hateful is like drinking a vial of poison and hoping the other person gets sick" FreakQLibrium
"My motto from here on out is: If someone or something (including me) in my life is conducting themselves in such a way that they can be seen on Jerry Springer, it's time to take out the garbage!!! When you stop taking their behaviour personally and see their antics as a true reflection on their character, it becomes absolutely nauseating." Anon. on abusive relationships.
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
Registered: 03/29/03
Posts: 6,319
Loc: up on the bidet
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: enotake2]
#1708201 - 07/12/03 10:02 AM (20 years, 5 months ago) |
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Thanks for the suggestions everyone, yup got a complete blood checkup, my Thyroid came out normal (but then they didn't
check Free T3 & T4 directly as I would have liked them to, but
rather only checked TSH - but it's unlikely that my Thyroid is
messed up, it be my brain that be messed up ). Feeling
pretty awful today too, it's strange because I can't even think
of a single thing, not even in my wildest imaginations that would
make me feel even slightly better at this point I mean,
if u gave me wings and told me I could fly, or that I could have
anything I ever wished for, I feel I'd still be miserable 
It's more than about feeling bad about my circumstances, I feel
like I'm incapable of being happy or having peace again - that
really brings me down. I can't believe I'm writing this... never
in my wildest imaginations could I have thought I'd get depressed
like this (shot, tarred and feathered maybe, but not depressed -
I never really understood what people meant when they talked about
depression, as opposed to being sad, but now I know).
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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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Static
Can you hear menow?
Registered: 06/15/03
Posts: 113
Last seen: 19 years, 10 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1708266 - 07/12/03 10:45 AM (20 years, 5 months ago) |
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God is the answer, it is in his Word. You should read the Bible and put that other stuff away. Pray for healing and peace of mind. I had a very religious experience with mushrooms that drew me closer to God. I am sorry it did not work that way for you.
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Astronauts get all the tang they want.
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Strumpling
Neuronaut
Registered: 10/11/02
Posts: 7,571
Loc: Hyperspace
Last seen: 12 years, 6 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: Static]
#1708404 - 07/12/03 12:11 PM (20 years, 5 months ago) |
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what the fuck?
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Insert an "I think" mentally in front of eveything I say that seems sketchy, because I certainly don't KNOW much. Also; feel free to yell at me.
In addition: SHPONGLE
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
Registered: 03/29/03
Posts: 6,319
Loc: up on the bidet
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: Static]
#1709136 - 07/12/03 05:15 PM (20 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Static said:
God is the answer, it is in his Word. You should read the Bible and put that other stuff away. Pray for healing and peace of mind. I had a very religious experience with mushrooms that drew me closer to God. I am sorry it did not work that way for you.
Static, I prayed man, trust me, I wept hysterically and prayed.
But, I'm still stuck in this state
U seem like a religious person. No offense, but I think part
of my fear is deap rooted in the concept of Hell and a seemingly
terrifying God who condemns his creations to eternal
damnation... It would be nice if we were all brought up to
believe in a Compassionate and Merciful God who loves us
unconditionally and would never condemn us to a Hellish fate,
but unfortunately that's not the case.
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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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Strumpling
Neuronaut
Registered: 10/11/02
Posts: 7,571
Loc: Hyperspace
Last seen: 12 years, 6 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1709761 - 07/12/03 08:07 PM (20 years, 5 months ago) |
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I think it would be nicer still if we were all brought up to believe in NO GOD, understanding completely that "its all up to YOU!"
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Insert an "I think" mentally in front of eveything I say that seems sketchy, because I certainly don't KNOW much. Also; feel free to yell at me.
In addition: SHPONGLE
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
Registered: 03/29/03
Posts: 6,319
Loc: up on the bidet
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: Strumpling]
#1710228 - 07/12/03 11:04 PM (20 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Strumpling said:
I think it would be nicer still if we were all brought up to believe in NO GOD, understanding completely that "its all up to YOU!"
true
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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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mindXplorer
mind xplorer
Registered: 10/19/02
Posts: 85
Last seen: 15 years, 6 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: Strumpling]
#1710342 - 07/12/03 11:36 PM (20 years, 5 months ago) |
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The answer is in yourself.
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gnrm23
Carpal Tunnel
Registered: 08/29/99
Posts: 6,488
Loc: n. e. OH, USSA
Last seen: 2 months, 5 days
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: mindXplorer]
#1713744 - 07/14/03 09:03 AM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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i googlesearched "kundalini psychosis" & there's a buncha hits, & an online book, & stuff...)
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old enough to know better
not old enough to care
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
Registered: 03/29/03
Posts: 6,319
Loc: up on the bidet
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: gnrm23]
#1714786 - 07/14/03 03:16 PM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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Sigh, I'm even more depressed now after Vibrant passed away
Man, if there is a God no one should have to suffer such torment
from their own minds...
I hope he is in eternal peace and happiness
May all sentient beings have eternal peace and happiness
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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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Static
Can you hear menow?
Registered: 06/15/03
Posts: 113
Last seen: 19 years, 10 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1715295 - 07/14/03 05:24 PM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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Please do not give up. We all care about you and it would hurt us if something happened. Check your pm's lucid.
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Astronauts get all the tang they want.
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
Registered: 03/29/03
Posts: 6,319
Loc: up on the bidet
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: Static]
#1715458 - 07/14/03 06:04 PM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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Yup, I checked my Pm's
Thanks Static
This is a tough day for all of us here at the shroomery
since Vibrant passed away. I'm going to head out to sit
by the water and say a little prayer for Vibrant...
May I have the strenght to live this life through with
appreciation, wonder and joy, and to kindle the same
in others.
Peace to everyone.
--------------------
"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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Static
Can you hear menow?
Registered: 06/15/03
Posts: 113
Last seen: 19 years, 10 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#1715466 - 07/14/03 06:09 PM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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Astronauts get all the tang they want.
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serialnumber2012
Stranger
Registered: 04/01/04
Posts: 1
Last seen: 19 years, 8 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#2504309 - 04/01/04 10:44 AM (19 years, 8 months ago) |
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Ok, I can certainly relate to lucid on this. In the 8th grade someone laced my pizza with acid, on the last day of class before christmas break, as I went to the rest room, I was about 14 at the time. It began to hit as I was about to go home. I felt sick riding my bike home, and I arrived to an empty house because my parents where picking up my uncle at an airport 3 hours away. Time went by and my mind began to melt. I can remember pieces of the event, me vomiting in the toilet, laying in bed, crawling around the house in a mumbling stupor... Later I came around as my parents arived maybe 10 hours later. I told them I was sick and wanted to sleep. Then next morning I was a different person. I remember that Christmas fondly, me acting weird around my parents, constantly thinking "am I really here?" I told them countless times, I feel like i'm not here. I felt like my mind had been wounded severly, and I didn't know why. I remember crying and feeeling totally lost, as you say, everything took on a horrible aspect, instead of beauty. As time pogressed I went to psychiatrists who diagnosed me with cronic dissociative disorder, depression, anxiety and panic, blah blah blah. I went though countless psyche drugs, zoloft, paxil, wellbutrin, prozac, effexor...for ,maybe 4 or 5 years. It was a tough time, I contemplated suicide, actually tried it a few times, once almost successful but ended up in an ambulance and force fead activated charcoal...god damn horribly nasty stuff... the problems where mixed with a very rocky relationship with my father, who is a marine of 23 years, tough guy. To make a long story short, wait it's already long, ok to make a long story longer, I had to contend with conflicting forces not only external, but internal, which are sometimes a lot worst. I'm 21 now, and I can say that day still has an effect on me till this day. The reason why I tell you all this is so you know you're not alone. I consider myself agnostic, I don't believe in a "christian god who loves and looks after us all" or "a god whom you should fear, or else you will be sent to hell", and I was raised catholic. Basically when it comes down to it, all you can do is look at your life from different prospectives, and try to realize your own truth, you are who you are now and there is nothing you can do about it. Shit happens, look at iraq, look at the bloddy wars that have been fought throughout time, the starvation, hunger,disease, and violence that goes on in this world. I don't believe everyone is a hero, or everytime there will be a happy ending, although they are possible. A person lives an average of 85 years on earth, you will die, this pain you are experienceing is not permanent, it may infact just be an illusion. Every man will have his day to die, why rush it? This universe is huge, no one is all knowing, and science does not answer every question. You can only contemplate what is true, that is all, and as it has been stated, do what thou wilt be the whole of the law...just do what you do because you do it. Fear fear. There is mans time, but then there is Gods time (in this context god meaning that which is all, just another philosophical cliche, but it is a good word I use to describe that which transends thought, that which goes beyond the reality of this universe). In the end, we all waste time, everyone just does it differently...
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llama
Stranger
Registered: 02/23/04
Posts: 36
Loc: none of this is real
Last seen: 17 years, 8 months
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 Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#2523857 - 04/04/04 05:01 AM (19 years, 8 months ago) |
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yeah life can be pretty crappy at times, IMHO i think you have buried allot of pain an i think the shrooms have revealed this... All the paranoia and fear you feel IS NOT REAL you dont need it (and you dont deserve it) it seems that in a way that you dont think you deserve to be happy.... the shrooms have shown you your darker side (we all have one) or rather they have shown you all the dark crap other people have put there..... YOU DONT NEED TO FEEL LIKE THIS.......I hope this is of some help to you..... Be well 
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namesash
Guntotindemonslayer
Registered: 04/07/04
Posts: 43
Last seen: 16 years, 7 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#2544297 - 04/09/04 04:58 PM (19 years, 8 months ago) |
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hey brothers. i had a similar experience about a month ago and man i have been fucked up ever since. those things fucked me up. no hallucinations, all psychological. fuckin mindraped me. scariest and worst experience of my life. it was like a nightmare. ever since theni have been gettin bouts of depression that go away and keep on comin back. i dont kno if these are from post traumatic stress, or if shrooms brought some latent bipolarness in me or wat, but man im so depressed. i dont know wat to do. it is so depressing, i was seemingly happy and stable b4 hand, my only problem was high anxiety and social anxieties, and shrooms just completely exploited my weaknesses and left me a mess. i have always been a nice guy, but sometimes now i feel so unstable, and ilook at myself in the mirror sometimes and dont recognize myself. i get these scary ass eyes which scare the fuck outta me. im so depressed help
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"Where's your will to be weird?" -jimmy morrison
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l0st
newbie
Registered: 04/16/04
Posts: 32
Last seen: 19 years, 5 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: mindXplorer]
#2569860 - 04/16/04 11:45 PM (19 years, 7 months ago) |
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"Freaked out a month after shrooms"
man, i can relate to this. about a month after doing shrooms i hada severe paranoia attack and was extremely dellusional, thought people were trying to kill me as well as being immortal (very dangerous). i've never been in that state before, despite having a bad trip about 6 months earlier. to keep a long story short, the state i was in caused me to do some really stupid shit and i had to stay in a hospital for a month because of it and it ruined my life. i'm still depressed about it and it happened 6 months ago. lucid, you may think you have it bad but know there are others there with you, who have gone through worse.hope you are feeling better today man.
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namesash
Guntotindemonslayer
Registered: 04/07/04
Posts: 43
Last seen: 16 years, 7 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: l0st]
#2574805 - 04/18/04 06:54 PM (19 years, 7 months ago) |
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well its been about 2 months since my BAD TRIP. it is fucked up wat i been goin thru man. every day seems different. it is like i have lost myself. basically ive been taking valium to keep flashbacks away, or intrusive thoughts or whatever. it works ok, and i feel most normal wen im on it, but i dont like dependin on medicine, so im goin to try somethin like EFT(emotional freedom therapy). i believe the shrooms have a tendency to trigger some bad shit in vulnerable people i am beginnin to feel delusional and slightly paranoid and i still get depressed but i am learnin how to deal with the depression. that is messed up wat happened to u 10st but i can relate
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"Where's your will to be weird?" -jimmy morrison
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lukeboots
fresh futuristic
Registered: 02/04/04
Posts: 19,728
Loc: Grand Ole Operating Syste...
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro *DELETED* [Re: namesash]
#2575688 - 04/18/04 09:50 PM (19 years, 7 months ago) |
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Post deleted by jonnywaxReason for deletion: ~
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funky ass music: Planet of Dinosaurs // Rich Whiskey
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namesash
Guntotindemonslayer
Registered: 04/07/04
Posts: 43
Last seen: 16 years, 7 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lukeboots]
#2578408 - 04/19/04 03:12 PM (19 years, 7 months ago) |
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fuck psycadelics man. how could this same thing happen to all of us. man shrooms are like the worst drug ever. i dont see why everyones freakin otu about coke, heroine, and all those other drugs(never tried them). the real problem is shrooms and all these psychadelics. they are the worst of them all because they can permanently fuck with the chemicals in our brain. theres no detox. theres no rehabilitation. there is no drug habit to cure. i tried shrooms ONCE and now i am on a crazy train right now. fuckin a. all u guys need to wake up. drugs are bad. SHROOMS ARE BAD. and serialnumber, i consider you to be an expert at this since u have been dealin with it for so long. there is no possible way any "normal" person would be able to relate to wat we have been goin thru. i reallly admire your philosphy serialnumber. tell us more so we can attempt to conquer this terrible affliction. i dont want to be slave to medicine. wat do u guyhs think about emotional freedom therapy. wat meds if any r u takin now serialnumber.some of us are in the prime of our youth and everything, all hopes and dreams, interests, egos and relationships have been destrohyed becus of one nasty trip. amazing.
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"Where's your will to be weird?" -jimmy morrison
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MOTH
Wild Woman
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: namesash]
#2581065 - 04/20/04 12:28 AM (19 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
namesash said:
fuck psycadelics man. how could this same thing happen to all of us. man shrooms are like the worst drug ever. i dont see why everyones freakin otu about coke, heroine, and all those other drugs(never tried them). the real problem is shrooms and all these psychadelics. they are the worst of them all because they can permanently fuck with the chemicals in our brain. theres no detox. theres no rehabilitation. there is no drug habit to cure. i tried shrooms ONCE and now i am on a crazy train right now. fuckin a. all u guys need to wake up. drugs are bad. SHROOMS ARE BAD. and serialnumber, i consider you to be an expert at this since u have been dealin with it for so long. there is no possible way any "normal" person would be able to relate to wat we have been goin thru. i reallly admire your philosphy serialnumber. tell us more so we can attempt to conquer this terrible affliction. i dont want to be slave to medicine. wat do u guyhs think about emotional freedom therapy. wat meds if any r u takin now serialnumber.some of us are in the prime of our youth and everything, all hopes and dreams, interests, egos and relationships have been destrohyed becus of one nasty trip. amazing.
I've gotten alot out of the shrooms I've taken and am very thankful for them in my life. Sorry that you've had such terrible experiences with this very powerful substance. But remember that while shrooms might not have been a good idea for you, other people can use them and stay grounded. They're certainly not a drug for everyone. I would say that shrooms (as is the condition with many drugs) are not good or bad, but neutral according to the person that decides to use them. I've had only good experiences with mushrooms and will hopefully continue to.
My sympathies for everyone in this thread who has suffered as a result of taking shrooms, and I hope that you're all able to get the help you need and deserve to heal. My thoughts are with all of you.
*me*
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mattymick
The Magic Man
Registered: 02/19/04
Posts: 17
Loc: Buffalo, NY
Last seen: 19 years, 6 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
#2583675 - 04/20/04 03:52 PM (19 years, 7 months ago) |
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I've read your story friend. One time I thought I was going to die after eating mushrooms. I was talking to God telling him that if he would help me to live I swear I would never do anything that was bad for my body again. That night I had my friend take me to the store and I bought Ipecac, the stuff that makes you throw up. I threw up all I had in my stomach and was still feeling the effects for a short while. It's so scary to feel that way, I call it a 'core consciousness', where your brain goes into a survival mode. From that point on I felt humble and no longer took the simple things for granted. I renewed relationships with my family and friends, feeling lucky to be alive, though it wouldn't have killed me. In a certain sense I was almost feeling too humbled, like I had lost a step with the rest of my peers. I decided that I would eat mushrooms again, in hopes to regain that lost footing. To be once again back to where I started. This time I ate a smaller amount.
The mushroom is a mystery, we know from not where it comes. I treat and value this mushroom with a genuine appreciation. The greatest feeling of releif came to me at that time and afterwards, after I ate the mushrooms (at first reluctantly, yet knowing that this is what I had to do) I became myself again, the person that I had lost.
Sometimes they speak of men who fought in Vietnam and after suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome, only were relinquished after they went back to that dark place years later. This may be one of those cases.
Keep this thought in mind if you feel that you just can't get through this. Oh yeah, one more thing. It's estimated that more than 60% of street mushrooms aren't even real. Considering that you got them in capsule form, I wouldn't doubt that they were fixed with something else. Keep that in mind too.
-Matt
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l0st
newbie
Registered: 04/16/04
Posts: 32
Last seen: 19 years, 5 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: mindXplorer]
#2584692 - 04/20/04 09:03 PM (19 years, 7 months ago) |
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guys, take all your feelings about shrooms , all the paranoia and insane thoughts , and then the depression after. and then think about if they were recorded in a hospital record , thats what happened to me, and i can';t stop kicking myself for it.
my life would be bearable right now if i didn't have that horrible hospital stay, but i did and my life is shitty right now, i cant enjoy anything , and i cant even sleep some nights. the worst part is that my family is going through a real tough time and instead of me being there to support them and be strong, i'm a weak depressed and they are the ones helping me get through this. it makes me feel even more depressed.
the ones who have had bad trips but no hospital stay should be so glad that they aren't labelled schizo for doing drugs , and had to deal with chemicals in there body for months that they didn't want (meds). i had to fight with my family to come off the meds and my body and brain are finally starting to find some sort of balance.
if anything the hospital stay made me worse, it is the source of my depression , my downfall, and i don't think i'll get over it anytime soon.
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castaway
Isanybodyreallyhome?
Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 553
Last seen: 17 years, 7 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: l0st]
#2585872 - 04/21/04 02:10 AM (19 years, 7 months ago) |
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Catheters are a bummer; My first was in the army when I suffered heatstroke- There was no-way I could pee on demand and it was a painfull and degrading experience. The second time was in conjunction with the onset of the bombing of Bahgdad, I had smoked some potent weed and was reminiscing about my old unit in Panama and how they were probably in the thick of things when this incredible imminent death-like experience came over me and I flipped out.
Drugs unveil our latent dispositions maybe. It's the knowledge of what we would have prefered to be kept ignorant about that upsets us I think. We go thru life with rose-colored glasses untill something shakes us awake and then we want to go back to sleep in that safe dream-world we used to live in.
OK; you had a world shaking experience; Now you are older and wiser and maybe a little more stable and realistic than before...You are growing up and will be in the position to hand out advice and recomendations with the air of authority of someone who knows what they are talking about. It's not all a bad thing.
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namesash
Guntotindemonslayer
Registered: 04/07/04
Posts: 43
Last seen: 16 years, 7 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: castaway]
#2601994 - 04/25/04 06:33 PM (19 years, 7 months ago) |
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jonnywax hows the medicine going? u said u have dissociative feelings? wat exactly do you mean by this?
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"Where's your will to be weird?" -jimmy morrison
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Spooge
The Nutter
Registered: 04/21/04
Posts: 5,189
Loc: Ice patches that last for...
Last seen: 11 years, 16 days
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: namesash]
#2602153 - 04/25/04 07:25 PM (19 years, 7 months ago) |
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.
Edited by Spooge (11/18/12 11:22 AM)
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Strumpling
Neuronaut
Registered: 10/11/02
Posts: 7,571
Loc: Hyperspace
Last seen: 12 years, 6 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: Strumpling]
#2602233 - 04/25/04 07:48 PM (19 years, 7 months ago) |
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Don't blame mushrooms for opening your eyes - blame yourself for wanting your eyes opened.
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Insert an "I think" mentally in front of eveything I say that seems sketchy, because I certainly don't KNOW much. Also; feel free to yell at me.
In addition: SHPONGLE
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namesash
Guntotindemonslayer
Registered: 04/07/04
Posts: 43
Last seen: 16 years, 7 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#2605622 - 04/26/04 04:46 PM (19 years, 7 months ago) |
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where has lucid disappeared to neways
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"Where's your will to be weird?" -jimmy morrison
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lukeboots
fresh futuristic
Registered: 02/04/04
Posts: 19,728
Loc: Grand Ole Operating Syste...
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: namesash]
#2605712 - 04/27/04 08:35 AM (19 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
namesash said:
jonnywax hows the medicine going? u said u have dissociative feelings? wat exactly do you mean by this?
the meds are going good. there was nothing spiritual, new age or life changing about my problem, it was a simple chemical imbalance. i plan on staying on zoloft for maybe 6 months and then weaning back off of it. being a slave to meds doesn't bother me at all, because my life is so much better than it was 2 weeks ago.
i had dissociative feelings, yeah. basically what i meant by that was that my mind felt like a separate entity from my body. it's a hard feeling to explain, but it was very unsettling and it really prohibited me from performing my everyday activities well. someone earlier in the thread described it as "being stuck in the middle of ego loss." all my thoughts were in the form of one very loud voice (similar to my own), and most every thought i had was negative. not fun stuff. i felt like that voice was driving me, and i could NEVER get it to shut up. i thought i was going to go insane if it kept up.
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funky ass music: Planet of Dinosaurs // Rich Whiskey
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namesash
Guntotindemonslayer
Registered: 04/07/04
Posts: 43
Last seen: 16 years, 7 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lukeboots]
#2609151 - 04/27/04 10:22 PM (19 years, 7 months ago) |
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so did the dissociative voice sound evil. like an evil version of yourself. good ash, bad ash. that kinda deal. cuz thats what i feel is goin on in my head. feels like bad ash is trying to take over. i do have that ego loss thing too..
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"Where's your will to be weird?" -jimmy morrison
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lukeboots
fresh futuristic
Registered: 02/04/04
Posts: 19,728
Loc: Grand Ole Operating Syste...
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro *DELETED* [Re: namesash]
#2610731 - 04/28/04 08:42 AM (19 years, 7 months ago) |
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Post deleted by jonnywaxReason for deletion: ~
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funky ass music: Planet of Dinosaurs // Rich Whiskey
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namesash
Guntotindemonslayer
Registered: 04/07/04
Posts: 43
Last seen: 16 years, 7 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lukeboots]
#2612049 - 04/28/04 03:19 PM (19 years, 7 months ago) |
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that's messed up!! are u sure it is the medication!
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"Where's your will to be weird?" -jimmy morrison
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
Registered: 03/29/03
Posts: 6,319
Loc: up on the bidet
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: namesash]
#4284706 - 06/11/05 09:00 PM (18 years, 6 months ago) |
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Quote:
namesash said:
where has lucid disappeared to neways
Hey namesash, I realize that u posted this a year ago, but
I've been away for quite some time. I can't believe that
people even remembered me 
Unfortunately I have to report that I'm in even worse a state
wish I had something more positive to say...
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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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tomk
King of OTD
Registered: 09/22/04
Posts: 1,559
Loc: PNW
Last seen: 3 years, 7 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#4285914 - 06/12/05 07:26 AM (18 years, 5 months ago) |
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What is so bad about the state you are in now?
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"I am eternally free"
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
Registered: 03/29/03
Posts: 6,319
Loc: up on the bidet
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: tomk]
#4286070 - 06/12/05 09:12 AM (18 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
tomk said:
What is so bad about the state you are in now?
I've been suffering with chronic physical pain for quite some
time now and there is no medical treatment for it. I have
horrifying temprature dissociation where my whole body feels
like it's on fire and ice at the same time (hard to describe
to someone who hasn't experienced it). It's incapacitating and
it's a struggle to get through the seconds of the day...
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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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tomk
King of OTD
Registered: 09/22/04
Posts: 1,559
Loc: PNW
Last seen: 3 years, 7 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#4286371 - 06/12/05 10:56 AM (18 years, 5 months ago) |
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Oh, I remember hearing about this. Have you been seeing any other doctors lately? Last I remember, you said even your mom gave up on finding you a doctor and she works in the medical field. Has anything happened since then?
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"I am eternally free"
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rogue_pixie
faerydae
Registered: 07/28/04
Posts: 3,977
Loc: UK
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#4286636 - 06/12/05 12:07 PM (18 years, 5 months ago) |
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I'd feel safer injecting heroin than doing mushrooms after reading this.
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"Whatever you do, you need to keep moving. Because when you stop moving you die (physically and emotionally).
Good luck and blessings of happiness and fortune." ~ RandalFlagg RIP
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redtailedhawk
Explorer of the Mystery
Registered: 11/24/04
Posts: 559
Loc: The Old Continent
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: tomk]
#4286967 - 06/12/05 01:35 PM (18 years, 5 months ago) |
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From time to time I am appalled at the number of people that are using psychedelics in an unsupervised environment, without any kind of deeper knowledge on the nature and possible consequences of their use. I am also appalled at the irrational suggestions of some members of the psychedelic community, who encourage the use of high dosages of psychedelics, with a naive idea that everything will be fine if a user just let's go and accepts the experience. Leary and unfortunately even McKenna, who I still admire greatly, are both guilty in this regard and have probably done more damage to the people by advising this, than good.
Psychedelics are great tools that can do a world of good to a person and then again they can also destroy him. I have witnessed in people around me severe complications after short and long term usage of psychedelics. The doctors don't know what to do with them so they are just keeping them heavily sedated.
If you're thinking I'm against the use of psychedelics, you are wrong. I encourage their responsible use, in a supervised environment with a clear goal in mind. In this regard they are not just the panacea for most of the mental illnesses and disorders that are plaguing western society but also the tools that can help us resolve the traumas we are inflicting upon each other and the planet.
I suggest every serious psychonaut and those of you that have been afflicted with post-psychedelics complications to dive into the profound book written by Stanislav Grof: LSD psychotherapy (published by MAPS). You will find your long searched for answers and more there.
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 "Who are you who live in all these many forms? You're death that captures all. You too are the source of all that's gonna be born. You're glory, mercy, peace, truth. You give calm a spirit, understanding, courage, the contented heart."
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redtailedhawk
Explorer of the Mystery
Registered: 11/24/04
Posts: 559
Loc: The Old Continent
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: redtailedhawk]
#4286974 - 06/12/05 01:38 PM (18 years, 5 months ago) |
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Stanislav Grof
LSD psychotherapy
A few lines from the chapter Complications of LSD Psychotherapy
LSD psychotherapy involves activation of deep unconscious material, its exteriorization, and conscious integration? The risk that the integration of a session will be incomplete and will result in real clinical complications seems to be directly proportional to the degree of preexisting emotional problems in the subject and the negative circumstances in the session that prevent consistent introspective work. The extreme examples of this are intensification of the original symptoms, emergence of new forms of psychopathology, prolonged reactions, psychotic breaks, and reoccurrence of LSD symptoms at a later date ("flashbacks").
Essentially, any aspect of an activated dynamic matrix or specific unconscious material that remains unresolved can persist after the session for an indefinite period of time, or recur at a later date. Most frequently, these are various emotional qualities, such as depression, a sense of inferiority, suicidal feelings, affective lability or incontinence, a sense of loneliness, anxiety, guild, paranoid feelings, aggressive tension, or manic elation.
An activated and unresolved gestalt can also specifically influence the subject's thought-processes. Certain ways of thinking about various issues such as sex, men women, marriage, and authority, or philosophical speculations about the meaning of existence, the role of religion in life, suffering, injustice, and many other problems can be direct reflections of the underlying unconscious material.
Major or minor tranquilizers should be avoided, since their effect is contrary to the basic strategy of any uncovering approach and psychedelic therapy in particular. By inhibiting the process, blurring the experience, and obscuring the nature of the underlying problem, they prevent its resolution.
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"Who are you who live in all these many forms? You're death that captures all. You too are the source of all that's gonna be born. You're glory, mercy, peace, truth. You give calm a spirit, understanding, courage, the contented heart."
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
Registered: 03/29/03
Posts: 6,319
Loc: up on the bidet
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: tomk]
#4287434 - 06/12/05 03:38 PM (18 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
tomk said:
Oh, I remember hearing about this. Have you been seeing any other doctors lately? Last I remember, you said even your mom gave up on finding you a doctor and she works in the medical field. Has anything happened since then?
Hi tomk
yup, my mom is a doctor herself and even she has given up on me.
I managed to get a job about 3 weeks ago, but realistically it's
going to end soon... I can barely make it to work on time, let
alone do anything
In quite a bit of pain. It's a struggle to make it through the
next few minutes let alone know how I'll make it through the next
hour/day.
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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: redtailedhawk]
#4287830 - 06/12/05 04:53 PM (18 years, 5 months ago) |
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I believe somewhere I read that shrooms can cause the Kundalini to start rising. In people who are not spiritually ready for this it can wreak havoc on them. Especially if they don't really want to open up or face hidden material in the psyche. The hot and cold pain sensations, can be a symptom of this. 
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"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.
" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.
With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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tomk
King of OTD
Registered: 09/22/04
Posts: 1,559
Loc: PNW
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: Icelander]
#4289652 - 06/13/05 12:22 AM (18 years, 5 months ago) |
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What sorts of things have you tried on your pain?
Have you tried the headache medicine Ergotine (or something like that?). It's used for migranes. It does the same thing as 5-HT psychedelics to help people with migranes. Maybe it would help. How about Neurontin? That is used for nerve pain.
If your doctors gave up on you, you should find some new doctors. There are 100s of docs out there, maybe only a few of them are capable of helping you.
Since you have to live with chronic pain, what steps have you taken to better deal with it?
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"I am eternally free"
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Freedom
Will swim for food
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: tomk]
#4290661 - 06/13/05 10:20 AM (18 years, 5 months ago) |
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Hi lucid I sent you a private message.... Good luck!
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: tomk]
#4292840 - 06/13/05 07:27 PM (18 years, 5 months ago) |
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Speaking of migrain headaches. There is an over the counter product in Health Food stores called Pedadolex from Enzymatic Therapy. It is an extract of Butterbur Herb. It relaxes smooth muscle. It has a money back on it. I have seen it work wonders on cronic migrain sufferers. It might be worth a try if you don't like the docs drugs.
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"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.
" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.
With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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namesash
Guntotindemonslayer
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: Icelander]
#4317068 - 06/20/05 12:56 PM (18 years, 5 months ago) |
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hola lucid. sorry to hear your dilemma.. here's my take. the weird sensations, chronic pain are all symptoms from your deteriorating mental health. i can empathize with you as I been in a similar situation, except ontop of the depression i was totally insane for months, probably from insomnia. anyway, i experienced a lot of weird physical crap throughout my depression , and had what I think were migraines where my body would go numb, and I had never had migraines before my trip. but anyways, my advice for you is to try every antidepressant out there. johnnywax and me got on zoloft after our horrific trips, and now we're much better, i suggest you start with that shite. what you're experiencing is clearly a lack of neuron stability. i could go deeper into my experience if you'd like me to... it was the worst experience of my life, but i learned a lot about myself through it, but even then I don't wish this kind of mental torment upon anyone. and hell there's always shock treatment, Hah.
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"Where's your will to be weird?" -jimmy morrison
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Gomp
¡(Bound to·(O))be free!
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: namesash]
#4317927 - 06/20/05 05:13 PM (18 years, 5 months ago) |
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Dude.. If it coul not get any worse than this, why don't you do some more shrooms? :P
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salviadog
Stranger
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#4336446 - 06/25/05 03:47 PM (18 years, 5 months ago) |
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Yah the hot cold sensations definately sounds like kundalini. Actually, I had a little bit of K today. Meditation usually keeps my kundalini in check, but for others it increases it. There's a lot of resources out there, google kundalini support for instance. I wish you the best.
--salviadog
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Happiness is not being smart enough to know what to worry about.
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: salviadog]
#6299860 - 11/19/06 05:24 PM (17 years, 25 days ago) |
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IF ANYONE HERE STILL REMEMBERS ME
JUST AN UPDATE... ALMOST 4 YEARS LATER...
THINGS R EVEN WORSE THAN BEFORE
ADRENAL GLANDS R DEAD, PITUTARY GLAD IS MESSED
UP, WENT INTO A COMA...ON HEAVY MEDS. CONSTANT
PAIN.
LOST MY RIGHT HAND IN THE COMA
CANT TYPE MUCH ANYMORE...
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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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AJ4U
Cloud N9ne
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#6300052 - 11/19/06 06:18 PM (17 years, 25 days ago) |
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Hang in there bud, your in my thoughts.
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Penguarky Tunguin
f n o r d
Registered: 08/08/04
Posts: 17,192
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#6300778 - 11/19/06 09:43 PM (17 years, 25 days ago) |
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Quote:
lucid said:
IF ANYONE HERE STILL REMEMBERS ME
JUST AN UPDATE... ALMOST 4 YEARS LATER...
THINGS R EVEN WORSE THAN BEFORE
ADRENAL GLANDS R DEAD, PITUTARY GLAD IS MESSED
UP, WENT INTO A COMA...ON HEAVY MEDS. CONSTANT
PAIN.
LOST MY RIGHT HAND IN THE COMA
CANT TYPE MUCH ANYMORE...
Wow dude, what the hell is going on?
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Every mistake, intentional or otherwise, in the above post, is the fault of the reader.
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lucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#7774140 - 12/18/07 02:56 PM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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i'm in HELL
my swhroom tumor burst.
now im partially paralyzed
anyone here live near Kentucky or VA ??
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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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lifeson2112
Stranger
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#7778029 - 12/19/07 02:58 PM (15 years, 11 months ago) |
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Dude, I can't say that I have been in your shoes, but I have had a pretty bad trip too. Left me feeling like I wasn't alive anymore. Reality didn't exist. Sometimes at night I won't be able to feel random parts of my body and the view outside my window makes about as much sense as a picture in a blender. This will only make you stronger. Hang on. Listen to music. Realize that there are wonderful people in the world who are fighting for your cause: musicians and artists. A lot of these people have been there too. Know that good can't exist without bad within you and without you. Right now you are experiencing it within you, but good will come if you wait. it's not going to come taking the path most traveled though. noone can tell you what is best for you. Listen and do what you know will be the hardest.
Much love and good luck.
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seraphnz
default
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lifeson2112]
#10354514 - 05/17/09 05:15 PM (14 years, 6 months ago) |
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Hang in there man you will come right soon
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A casual stroll through your local lunatic asylum will show that faith proves nothing. - Nietzsche
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Society
Mmmm... pizza
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Loc: 
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: seraphnz]
#10356379 - 05/18/09 12:13 AM (14 years, 6 months ago) |
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Every time I read this thread, I get terrified of mushrooms.
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Delicious Pizza
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Denisius
Comrade
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: Society]
#10368560 - 05/20/09 08:03 AM (14 years, 6 months ago) |
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Sounds like a rather common panic attack that happens to a lot of people, myself included on my first trip. After a week or two, it faded away and I was as always.
Lucid, can we get an update on your situation?
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psychoticsnail
just a freak on the freak train
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: Denisius]
#10381662 - 05/22/09 11:56 AM (14 years, 6 months ago) |
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ive just spent an hour reading this thread n i am shocked beyond words.
i have friends who are in hospitals due to unsafe use of drugs of this kind i am a user myself and do so responsibly i have done alot of research into adverse affects of psycilobyn and have never read anything like this, i cant belive so much ill advise has been given ranging from :just take some more dude and face your fears - its just a bad trip " have any of the people giving this advise read this entire thread ???
LUCID - I cant express the thoughts i have for you, i am no dr and have no real advise medically so i wont try . I will however say this my thoughts are with you im not a religious person but for fucks sake god give this man a break please!!!!
Let us all know how your doing man there seem to e alot of people that car about whats going on .
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Good mescaline comes on slow, the first hour is all waiting......then about halfway through the second hour you start cursing the creep who's burned you cause nothings happening and then ..........INSANE!!
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LeftyBurnz
Mr. I Eat Butthole
Registered: 06/21/05
Posts: 24,570
Loc: FL
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: Society] 1
#10387746 - 05/23/09 06:47 PM (14 years, 6 months ago) |
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Quote:
SocietyRejects said:
Every time I read this thread, I get terrified of mushrooms.
dont be terrified of mushrooms, just dont take them if you are a psychotic schizo like LUCID. he has no place doing any drugs.
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Country1
Ehhh
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Last seen: 1 year, 10 months
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: LeftyBurnz]
#10388080 - 05/23/09 07:58 PM (14 years, 6 months ago) |
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Is it possible to get this 6 year old thread locked?
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LeftyBurnz
Mr. I Eat Butthole
Registered: 06/21/05
Posts: 24,570
Loc: FL
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: Country1]
#10388191 - 05/23/09 08:28 PM (14 years, 6 months ago) |
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it sure would be nice. it would also be nice if bumping old threats was a ban worthy offense.
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MOTH
Wild Woman
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: LeftyBurnz]
#10388321 - 05/23/09 08:58 PM (14 years, 6 months ago) |
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It's a little creepy rereading lucid's original posts in this thread though, where he sounds so reasonable and coherent, and then seeing the way he posts now.
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Gomp
¡(Bound to·(O))be free!
Registered: 09/11/04
Posts: 10,888
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#10657779 - 07/11/09 12:11 PM (14 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
lucid said:
Hi Everyone
I desperately need help... :-(
I've never been a frequent drug user - only used pot a couple of times in the past which a friend gave to me, who swore to the deeply spiritual effect of the weed. The same friend gave me some shrooms. I never asked for em - he said they would "increase the is-ness of things" - he also said that they were virtually non-toxic... of course he forgot to mention that they can permanently screw up your mind and lead you to inexplicibale mental horrors and ultimately suicide :-( I took only 2 capsules (2 grams of Psilocybe Stropharia cubensis) about 3 weeks ago. I had the most nightmarish time of my life :-( no hallucinations or auditory distortions, but extreeeeme, horrifying paranoia... I thought my mind was going to collapse, that I would go insane and would see nothing but horrifying immages for the rest of my life (even if I fell asleep, went into a coma or died). To my horror the feelings have persisted for about a month now :-(
I've always been a happy person, smiling through the toughest times of my life. I was always a happy kid too despite family troubles. My wife walked out on me a little over a year ago, my parents became homeless and moved in with me, and I lost 2 jobs in the last year and yet... I remained happy through seemingly terrible times. I've been meditating for most of my life and firmly believe that all things good and worth having - joy, happiness, love, compassion - are to be found inside of each of us. I've never been drawn to materialistic things, not because I think that they're bad in any way, but I simply never found any joy in them. My happiest moments have been meditating by a lake or on a hilltop, in sheer extascy and rapture (In keeping with the mind-identification theme from Fight Club...I was Jack's Spirtual bliss). I always used to wonder why people get depressed - this was a terrible thing I did... I judged... I thought that people just need to "be happy". After taking the shrrooms I've plunged into the depths of hell myself :-( I get utterly terrible panic attacks lasting hours (6-7 hours at times, if not entire days). I feel like any minute I'll go insane and will start to see horrific images/sounds. Everything around me (that I used to consider exquisitly beautiful) now seems baren and hostile :-( The shrroom has turned my very soul inside out. I feel I've seen such horror that I'll never recover. I had never known such horror before - i.e. I never thought the mind could come up with such dreadful ideas and attack itself so relentlessly... but I guess at some level I must have, since the shroom can't create anything new in the mind. Reading bad trip reports and permanent psychosis reports from shrooms is what really spurred the bad thoughts - now I really believe I'm going to rot in hell :-( I've gotten extreemly suicidal as a result - only because I'm in soo much agony :-( I wish I could be my old happy self again,
I wish I hadn't taken it, I wish I could take time back, but I can't. "I am Jack's regret"...
I used to read a lot of Castenada, Philosophy, Spirituality and now all of that (which I used to cherish and view as wisdom) is comming back to haunt me... I keep questioning Reality and really freak out at times. My mind attacks me with ideas like, "is this real ?", "what if the only reality is horror ?" and terrible things like that. The constant questioning of Reality thows me into the depths of hellish fear.
I keep telling myself to think positive... "Ignore this terrible drug ("Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas"). I've also tried shutting off my internal dialogue, which can be tough to do, but even when I do acheive a certain level of menatal quietitude, it can have varying effects (i.e. at times I still feel anxious and depressed despite the absense of thoughts).
When ever I manage to head outside I see that most people seem to be happy and are smiling... I wish I was normal, I wish I could replug myself back into the Matrix, wish I could lead a relatively happy Zombie-like existance like most normal people do. I didn't go to work for a week and show up late everyday and keep running away frequently when the panic gets too bad... it's only a matter of time till I lose this job :-( But the job isn't that important, I'll just be happy if I could simply not be in pain anymore (I don't care if I'm jobless or homeless, just need to stop the pain).
I went to the ER after the shrroom and then to a private doc and they simply prescribed Ativan and Paxil respectively and gave me no time at all to listen to what I was going through and how I felt. Typical doc solution... here's a pill. I havn't taken either yet, I want to do this without more drugs, I want to be my old happy self again, I want to erase this memory from my mind so I never even know that such terror exists. I don't want to have to battle this for the rest of my life (and I don't want to end my life either - but if it comes down to it, suggestions for painlessly departing from this extreeemly painful existance would be *greatly* appreciated).
I can't run from my own mind... "where ever I go there I am..."
Why try to escape from what is escaping?
Muse on it?
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Disclaimer!?
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Booby
Agent Mulder
Registered: 09/14/05
Posts: 3,781
Last seen: 14 years, 9 days
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: Society]
#10661816 - 07/12/09 06:34 AM (14 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
SocietyRejects said:
Every time I read this thread, I get terrified of mushrooms.
Having read the post where Lucid claims his parents were homeless and moved in with him, he bought her a car which she wrecked, then to read that his mom is a doctor, leads me to the opinion that all his posts are suspect.
With that said:
Quote:
lucid said:
Most mystic writings seem to talk about a state
of conciousness where all action is perfect and
there is no right or wrong...
to my ordinary conciousness this seems a bit terrifying.
If there is no more right or wrong and if all
action is equal than these people could go out
and do just about anything that would normally
be considered horribly evil (I'll leave it up
to your imagination to envision the specifics).
How could this be a desriable/healthy state ?
Quote:
MarkostheGnostic said:
I believe that you are misunderstanding the moral nature of enlightened mind. When one's central or 'Master' motive is Compassion [which I usually capitalize because it is considered to be THE Divine attribute of Ultimate Reality in Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism and Buddhism], then one's actions are automatically moral in the highest sense of the word..
I think any caring doctor would help Lucid out with perscriptions.
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Booby
Agent Mulder
Registered: 09/14/05
Posts: 3,781
Last seen: 14 years, 9 days
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#10662152 - 07/12/09 09:21 AM (14 years, 4 months ago) |
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When society favors invalids over women and children then I expect that will be a logical resort for the chronically bothersome.
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ManianFH
living in perverty
Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 14,701
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: Booby]
#10664148 - 07/12/09 04:42 PM (14 years, 4 months ago) |
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so what hes still a member here, just have to ignore him if you dont like his posts. they should unban his ass from the beloved chat thing and let this thread die.
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notapillow said: "you are going about this endeavor all wrong. clear your mind of useless fear and concern. buy the ticket, take the ride, and all that.... "
ChrisWho said: "It's all about the journey, not the destination."
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Booby
Agent Mulder
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Posts: 3,781
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: ManianFH]
#10664526 - 07/12/09 05:42 PM (14 years, 4 months ago) |
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I had a thought that perhaps Lucid is a living metaphore of an ancient Earth-bound entity. Who better to judge humanity than a Time-lord disguised as a persistently obnoxious invalid.
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yoonix
PsychTech
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
#13256458 - 09/27/10 09:49 PM (13 years, 2 months ago) |
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This sounds like ego death. It sounds like the ego death started but that you are fighting it because face it we don't want to die but you need to let yourself experience the ego death and then you will see that YOU don't die it's only your ego or your sense of self. If you want to understand more checkout the Richard Alpert clip on you tube. He later becomes ram das and he puts the trip experience into perspective. Your brain is rewired it won't go back you must move forward now and let your ego go. Welcome to Zion.
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Penguarky Tunguin
f n o r d
Registered: 08/08/04
Posts: 17,192
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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: yoonix]
#13256727 - 09/27/10 10:39 PM (13 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
yoonix said:
This sounds like ego death. It sounds like the ego death started but that you are fighting it because face it we don't want to die but you need to let yourself experience the ego death and then you will see that YOU don't die it's only your ego or your sense of self. If you want to understand more checkout the Richard Alpert clip on you tube. He later becomes ram das and he puts the trip experience into perspective. Your brain is rewired it won't go back you must move forward now and let your ego go. Welcome to Zion.
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Every mistake, intentional or otherwise, in the above post, is the fault of the reader.
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Sherwin Maxawow
Evolutionary Influence
Registered: 09/26/09
Posts: 67
Loc: Burien WA
Last seen: 8 years, 11 months
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 Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: HidingInPlainSight]
#16758957 - 08/30/12 09:49 AM (11 years, 3 months ago) |
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Agreed
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"JUST FOCUS ON THE PRETTY STUFF" is what THEY clearly said to me while on fresh picked cubes in Florida. I was reflecting on stupid common life problems I had at the time, but luckily friendly little "cosmic critters" intruded, interrupting my lame-brain moment with that short & simple message of what I now see as being pure universal GOSPEL TRUTH for all of LIFE. That profound little event instantly changed & brightened my whole trip, & it ultimately changed me into a more positive minded person in life. Plus that was definitely my 1st totally convincingly real encounter with THEM & is one reason why I totally believe in what I choose to call ELVES as being absolutely REAL.
ELF = Evolutionary Influence
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