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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: ]
    #1488896 -

Thanks !
I spoke with my brother this morning, he was very upset with me... he said that I wasn't even trying and that I was just causing the whole family a lot of grief. He said it's very easy to just give up and say that I'm depressed.
I realized he's right, and I so wish I could just yank myself out of this and stop causing myself and everyone around me so much pain.


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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."

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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
    #1489058 -

What are you doing with your time?


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Insert an "I think" mentally in front of eveything I say that seems sketchy, because I certainly don't KNOW much. Also; feel free to yell at me.
In addition: SHPONGLE

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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid] * 1
    #1489474 -

I understand your desperation, lucid...

and it must be truly awful  :frown:

But if you turn around and start beating up yourself for not yanking yourself out of it, and believing you've let your family down, you'll sink deeper as those self-condemning thoughts will actually grow and get stronger the more you allow them entry to your mind, and these type of thoughts will cause you to feel worse.

I don't think you've 'given up'; you just don't quite know what to do to feel different...neither did I for years until I found I myself was causing most of it by having constant uncontrolled negative thoughts. It's very hard to know what to do to help yourself if you don't know what is causing your pain at the initial stage...


Whatever thoughts you have, will attract more of those type of thoughts :wink:


...After a lifetime of depression I finally found out (after 25 years of torment!) that my own obsessively negative thoughts were actively sustaining my own level of suffering...


So you are right about having to put some completely different input (ie positive thoughts) into your mind, for the feelings to follow this direction.


...thoughts are like the seeds of feelings, which in turn lead to the type of  actions you perform (beneficial or harmful) and then even to the type of life you experience (happy or miserable)...& it all starts with the quality of your thoughts. We are truly what we think...


try this:

Just pretend if you were an actor & had to consciously imagine what sort of thoughts you would need to create (about yourself in particular) in order to convincingly portray a happy person...and  you begin to see that's exactly what has to be done to actually feel different. It's just that naturally positive people don't need to keep doing it consciously all the time as this is already an ingrained habit...

...for the rest of us it just has to become one... deliberately  :grin:
     


--------------------
(zhukov in a previous life....)

2SER FM underground radio

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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
    #1489922 -

yeah I agree with ruskifile with regards to not being to hard on yourself.. Its easy to slip into a downward spiral and then make it worse by condeming yourself - it creates a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts, where the simple fact that you believe so deeply that you're screwed, makes you screwed, and that the biggest problem was that you thought something was majorly wrong.

Of course, don't just ignore these issues either :wink: but have some confidence man - you'll be ok. You're breathing, your heart is beating (fast, maybe, but beating); you're OK for now


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Insert an "I think" mentally in front of eveything I say that seems sketchy, because I certainly don't KNOW much. Also; feel free to yell at me.
In addition: SHPONGLE

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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
    #1494252 -

If you can read, I'd like to suggest a book that is a helpful follow-up for certain clients that I see for hypnotherapy. It helps them to become 'conversant between the planes,' so-to-speak, which means that it helps them to continuously return to the deep fulfilling state of consciousness that they were able to achieve initially, with my assistance, in the consulting room. The book is: 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle. This book is unique in its ability to direct one's mind to one's Center, even as one reads it. Consider this to be bibliotherapy, which is a useful psychotherapeutic adjunct to the therapy session.


--------------------
γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself

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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
    #1520062 -

Hi Everyone,
I've been spiraling into the throes of a very deep depression :-(
I've done just about everything I could think of, read dozens of
books on psyc, meditation, spirituality, seen a psychologist, and
have been taking *heavy* SSRI (Effexor) doses for a month now...
but things don't seem to be improving much. I feel exhausted by
being in constant anguish... not sure how much longer I can
bear this. I feel I've tried so many things and nothing seems to
have helped, so I feel even more hopeless. I feel like screaming
from the pain of being depressed all the time. No one seems to
understand what it's like - my family keeps asking me to "describe"
what I feel, but it's beyond description - it's just *horrible* and
painful and terrifying and I can't describe it beyone that and I
wish people would stop asking me to. I'm not even so sure what
(if anything) I'm specifically depressed about - everything, life itself, just
seems meaningless, horrible, alien, hostile, hellish. I've almost forgotten
what it's like to be happy (but I know I didn't feel like this before
I took the shroom - I've *never* felt this way before I took the shroom).




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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."

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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
    #1520248 -

Sounds like its time for you to get a hobby or something, man..... Being depressed is no excuse to not go on with life, and you can't change the past, so move on dude

you're thinking "easier said than done" but what else are we supposed to tell you lol stop hating yourself and maybe get a different job, find some new friends, buy some new books, get some new music, and move on :wink:

If life's kicking you around, kick it back.


--------------------
Insert an "I think" mentally in front of eveything I say that seems sketchy, because I certainly don't KNOW much. Also; feel free to yell at me.
In addition: SHPONGLE

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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
    #1520297 -

lucid: YOU ARE FINE... take it from me, because i know exactly what you are going through..

i was lost on dxm for 2 long weeks... up until that point i had lead what you could call complete happiness... of course my life hasnt been a cany-bar, but just like you i would be able to smile through the toughest times and know that things will come to me... i enjoyed weed, shrooms & lsd and despite a few bad trips, i had a great time discovering my mind and my spiritual connection with the one and only holy divine beeing that some may call god... but i wasnt prepared for dxm... it was the worst nightmare i ever had, and when i woke from a pitch black sleep the next day, i was still lost in that place... i felt exactly what you are describing now... "what if i went crazy? what if im screwed for life? what if ill never be able to work again? what will my family do?" all those questions running through your head... and the more i thought about the possibility of permanent madness, the more i sunk into that hole... until i started getting grasp of my thoughts... not only beeing able to quiet my mind (which, like in your case wouldnt stop the anxiety), but beeing able to transform my thoughts into a positive pattern... i got back from the vacation where i took the "trip", and returned to work... it wasnt easy and i was scared as hell that i wouldnt be able to function normally and perform the needed tasks... but i was... i kept judging me and thinking im all wrong and im crippled... but i wasnt, i was able to do everything i had done until then with the same quality of craftsmanship... and whats even more: people didnt even notice of my "change" unless i told them... i wont lie to you... it took me a LONG time to get over what happened... about 1 year after the incident i would still have at least 1 night of complete insomnia every month... but it has faded, i have regained control over myself and over my mind... and i am NOT crippled, NOR crazy... i have changed, tho... but for good... i have become much stronger, much more self-aware of myself and my thoughts... and above all of the way my thoughts influence the way i percieve reality... so hang in there, my friend... look at yourself... you have even been able to post and describe your condition with almost no mistake at all... always remember: everything happens for a reason... i know my incident did... because i have evolved from it... i have learned and i can say i am a better man now...

so that is my advice... try doing some normal stuff... it will be like re-learning everything you know... which was kinda fun for me... because i had the feeling of "hey! im able to do this" all over again... youll see that you are fine... try to look at it as an oportunity...

all my best wishes go out to you... im with you in thoughts... and in spirit... be strong

ps: you might be interested in the "conversations with god" trylogy, written by neale donald walsh... amazing books, which have rescued my time after time... you should give them a try...

ps2: and about the one thought you keep having, rest assured: this world is NOT real... nor are your thoughts, as a matter of fact... and that gives you the chance to get rid of them, because they are not real... instead of fighting them, accept them... and ask them what they are trying to tell you...


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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
    #1521201 -

I'm not so sure that you are fine. Why don't you visit the hospital and get them to sort it out. I've worked in a psychiatric hospital for 3 years doing research and most hospital stays seem to be less than 2 weeks. They aim to keep you in for as little time as possible these days, its not like the 50s when you could spend a long time there. They can work out your medication which doesn't seem to be working at present, and give you some respite. I don't mean to scare you, its up to you. Many cases of severe depression can be sorted out in the community, it just may be sorted out a bit quicker in hospital. I mean it seems like the depression is affecting your functioning in every aspect of your life at the moment.


--------------------
Computer games don't affect kids. I mean if Pacman affected our generation as kids, we'd all be running around in a darkened room, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

"Being bitter and hateful is like drinking a vial of poison and hoping the other person gets sick" FreakQLibrium

"My motto from here on out is: If someone or something (including me) in my life is conducting themselves in such a way that they can be seen on Jerry Springer, it's time to take out the garbage!!! When you stop taking their behaviour personally and see their antics as a true reflection on their character, it becomes absolutely nauseating." Anon. on abusive relationships.

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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: enotake2]
    #1534275 -

Hey Everyone,
A word of advice to anyone in a similar situation as I am... do *NOT* go to the ER in a hospital and tell them that u feel suicidal as a means of getting to see a psychiatrist. I made this mistake (at my physicians advice) and had an absolutely *terrifying* experience. They could drive a person mad/to suicide even if he isn't inclined as such. The most frightning part was that seemed extreemly eager to lock up and restrain anyone. They took all my cloths, posessions, even shoes and socks, and kept asking me "where do u think you're going ?" and "you're not going anywhere..." every time I'd go to the bathroom... I almost had a panic attack from the frightful thought that they'd lock me up and sedate me agaisnt my will. They even look at your like you're crazy even if your just depressed. They put me in a room with someone who thought he was Jesus. All in all it was a *really bad* experience and it took all my wits to lie to them and tell them I was find and not too depressed and that this was just a means of seeing a psych (which is partially true - i.e. that was the idea, but I had to lie about the severity of the depression and suicidal thoughts). No one there really wanted to hear me out and talk to me. Sigh, I'll post the details over this weekend, at work now...


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"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."

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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
    #1534367 -

You'd rather kill yourself than change yourself?


--------------------
Insert an "I think" mentally in front of eveything I say that seems sketchy, because I certainly don't KNOW much. Also; feel free to yell at me.
In addition: SHPONGLE

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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: Strumpling]
    #1534448 -

Hi Strumpling, I don't recall saying that I would "rather kill myself than change"... I'm wondering what gave u that impression ?


--------------------
"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."

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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
    #1534456 -

I was pointing out that, in my particular experience, going to the ER and telling them I had suicidal thoughts (which I'm sure every person has bumped against at some point in their lives) was a very negative experience, hardly conducive to positive change...


--------------------
"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."

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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
    #1534474 -

I'd like to point out that most of my life has been dedicated to trying to transformation and trying to change in positive ways.... perhaps that's part of the problem, I need to learn to be a bit more accepting of my fear, pain, depression and negative aspects (as the Buddha would point out "surrender to what is/ acceptance is the key to the end of suffering (note: not the end of pain, but rather suffering - subtle diff there)")... I recognize this, but it's easier said than done.


--------------------
"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."

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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shro [Re: lucid]
    #1534501 -

I would rather become a glowing luminosity of enlightment and kindle joy and happiness everywhere :-)... but right now I'm depressed and wondering what the point of it all is (more on that later)... btw, there are severely negative conotations in the phrase "*kill* yourself". I've always believed (even when I wasn't considering suicide personally) that one's choice of life/death is a personal issue (yes I realize this is a very/age old debatable issue). If I choose to end my life, I don't think that automatically implies that my judgement is hampered and that it's societies "duty" to "save me from myself" (in some cultures suicide is considered honerable etc).


--------------------
"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."

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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
    #1534598 -

I think it's unfortunate that suicide is considered such
a taboo... "Aaaa... he's thinking of such *daaangerous*
ideas ! let's lock him up before he infects everyone else..."
I think that when one *seriously* and *honestly* starts
to seek the Truth, and answers to the meaning of life/existence,
pain, suffering, happiness etc and when one truely,
fearlessly and openly delves into these questions,
with a keen intent of not holding back (because if you're
holding back then one could argue that you're not really
seeking the truth but, rather, simply to confirm something
u already know - I realize this is a tricky subject),
then one will inevitably bump up against the question
of suicide and why most people choose to live (is it
simply because we're so swept up in the stream of life
that we never ask the question ? or are we so afraid
to ask the question because of our conditioned upbringing ?).
I don't like to be afraid... that's why my bad shroom trip
bothered me so much... I'd rather be able to face my fear
(which I know I'm not able to right now). I certainly detest
the idea of being afraid of my own thoughts... fearing
what my mind could come up with...living by constantly trying to
distract my mind and struggle to think of positive things
and not think of anything negative...how long could one
run...that's a tragic and tiresome existance...


--------------------
"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."

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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
    #1534670 -

So, I'm curious... have any of you, people of the shroom, *truely* considered why u live on ? and I mean *truely* considered (i.e. sat down and contemplated about it, not just a cursory reflection). And I don't mean answers like "well I'm looking forward to the future, graduation, sex etc"... I mean contemplated it deaper than that. After all death implies nothingness... no experience... hence I don't get the whole concept of fear of death... how could one be afraid of "not experiencing" something ? that would be akin to me telling u: "I know of an experience, called A, but btw, 'I know for a fact that you will never experience A, regardless of whether it's good or bad'" - it wouldn't make sense to get frightened over that would it ? I realize many people live on because of family etc, and I'm wondering if there are other reasons (one could be happy and still contemplate the possibility of nonexistance) ? or does it come down to "well, there isn't really a reason"... "it's just because...", like the usual "why did u climb the mountain ?... because it was there..."


--------------------
"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."

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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
    #1534716 -

- Post History Deleted Upon User's Request -

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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
    #1535439 -

"I don't recall saying that I would "rather kill myself than change"... I'm wondering what gave u that impression?"

Nothing gave me that impression, I'm just making sure you're on the right side of the fence... However, this is what caused me to wonder: "it took all my wits to lie to them and tell them I was find[sic] and not too depressed and that this was just a means of seeing a psych (which is partially true - i.e. that was the idea, but I had to lie about the severity of the depression and suicidal thoughts)."

heh regardless, I just wanted to pose that question to you as a means for you thinking about why you go on, which leads to the following:

"have any of you... *truely* considered why u live on?"

Why yes I have :smile: Why do I go on? Because I don't want to abandon the rest of the sufferers, you know? We're all in this hell-hole together, and we've all gotta stick around to help eachother get through "alive."

Besides, I don't want to miss out on the tons of killer gadgets and technologies we're only beginning to dream up :wink:

Things may be bad for you man, but you have to remember there are good times too, and that if you keep going you'll realize the balance and be able to either make or take whatever comes as a positive - don't forget there are tons of people "worse-off" (isn't that amazing?) in other countries, and they're not even THINKING about suicide..... I think this says a lot about our society when there are people who have to TRY to NOT kill themselves on a monthly, weekly, daily, or even hourly basis (various convicts have to be on suicide watch), so don't feel alone - The most important part of my semi-recovery from depression was realizing that I'm not alone in my suffering, and that killing myself would only make it a tad harder on other sufferers :smile:

I go on because I can't imagine leaving everybody behind intentionally


--------------------
Insert an "I think" mentally in front of eveything I say that seems sketchy, because I certainly don't KNOW much. Also; feel free to yell at me.
In addition: SHPONGLE

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Re: Desperately need help :-( Freaked out a month after shrooms [Re: lucid]
    #1536715 -

Maybe this doesnt help but let me share it:

I've been having suicidal thoughts for ten years. I have mental conversations with myself that can last 10 minutes to two hours, all on the subject of killing myself, when and how, and why I should. Then it clicked. "Ive been convinced, for ten years, that I will kill myself right away". But its been ten years, why havent I done it? Maybe these thoughts are just something I have to live with and overcome... yeah it sucks but maybe thats the price I gotta pay to live. Its all about becoming more conscious about your thoughts, analyzing them from a higher level.

Give your mind more time to realize what is going on.


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man = monkey + mushroom

Edited by pattern (05/10/03 09:45 AM)

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