I had eaten some mushrooms with my roommates and was having a nice level 2-3 trip, listening to some music. As I thought I was coming down I took ONE bong hit to take the 'edge' off. One. I thought the trip was pretty much over. Oh god was I wrong. I leaned back into my chair and shut my eyes. The only way I can try to explain it is that it felt like my body immediately dissapeared. I could no longer recognize and seperate my senses. I'm not talking about a little blending of senses here - This was total chaos. It wasn't that I could no longer sense, but I could no longer make heads or tails of what I was sensing. My mind stopped working in the traditional sense. I started to wonder if my body was ok. What the hell is a body? I understood that I should have one but I couldn't comprehend the concept. I started to panic. Whatever death was, this definately felt like it. I still knew that in time this would pass, but it was more like an extended salvia trip than mushies + weed.
I understood that only time would make it stop, so I walked outside and smoked a ciggarette. Everything felt WRONG. Every sense and every thought. The best way I can think to describe it is that I was out of sync with the rest of humanity. My mind no longer held thoughts in the form of spoken language. It was full of patterns that represented everything I was feeling and doing. When I tried talking to somone I had to translate these patterns into speech which was exhausting to say the least. When I thought about smoking a ciggarette I didn't say to myself "I think I'll go have a ciggarette", but I can't find a way to describe how the thought process worked. I just knew what smoking a ciggarette was. No words were involved. I would occasionaly remember how my mind worked previously and try to put it back by forcing spoken language and putting myself around people that were talking and forcing myself to try and comprehend the meaning of these words in my mind. Every time I formed a thought to build on, it was torn down and I was left with nothing. The part that scared me though is that it was torn down by my inability to understand it. The simplest of concepts baffled me. I honestly felt retarded and there was nothing I could do about it. What is left to define yourself if your ability to understand is removed? I felt like I was hanging onto existance by a thread. Devolving if you will.
I wanted to reboot my brain. I thought I was overloading it so I went to my room, layed down on my bed and completely relaxed hoping I would pass out. Everything became patterns again like in the chair. A huge thought loop. Existance was different. I no longer knew anything. I couldn't hold a rational thought for the life of me. I wondered if I was approaching ego death, I understood what self was but I couldn't relate it to anything. Hell, the only thing I could understand were those hellish patterns swirling about in my head. Was I going mad? Perhaps on the edge of a breakthrough but not quite there? I saw life as a chain of actions and reactions. Every movement, every noise, everything was a reaction to something that was a reaction to something before it (The idea of free will went out the window). This was the only concept that I understood. It felt neverending, like things have always been this way and would always be this way (That I had just never seen the way it works before). There were moments where the mental discomfort was tolerable and I would hold on to those moments for as long as I could before they gave way to other moments were I felt like my mind was in hell. I had lost control. I could no longer relate myself to my environment. My ability to understand and use logic was crushed. I was defeated and could no longer find a way to fight it.
The best way I can think to describe the sensation is "Ordered Chaos". I know, it doesn't make sense but I can think of no other way to describe it.
Over the next three hours my mind slowly returned to normal.
So was this the fabled ego-death I hear so much about but could never willingly bring myself to undergo?
Just a huge thought loop?
A very strange form of abstract thinking?
During the experience it felt like hell, but in retrospect I feel very good about it. I do feel very humbled and embarrassed by becoming such a gibbering fool but I'm still sorting my thoughts out about it. Any input?
--------------------
PK
All information and images posted by myself are fictional and for entertainment purposes only. I accept no responsibility for inapropriate or Illegal use of this information.
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