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InvisiblePsilosKube
I'm eat todd did

Registered: 07/08/02
Posts: 682
Loc: In bed with your woman
A very confusing experience.
    #1671665 - 06/29/03 04:51 PM (13 years, 5 months ago)

I had eaten some mushrooms with my roommates and was having a nice level 2-3 trip, listening to some music. As I thought I was coming down I took ONE bong hit to take the 'edge' off. One. I thought the trip was pretty much over. Oh god was I wrong. I leaned back into my chair and shut my eyes. The only way I can try to explain it is that it felt like my body immediately dissapeared. I could no longer recognize and seperate my senses. I'm not talking about a little blending of senses here - This was total chaos. It wasn't that I could no longer sense, but I could no longer make heads or tails of what I was sensing. My mind stopped working in the traditional sense. I started to wonder if my body was ok. What the hell is a body? I understood that I should have one but I couldn't comprehend the concept. I started to panic. Whatever death was, this definately felt like it. I still knew that in time this would pass, but it was more like an extended salvia trip than mushies + weed.

I understood that only time would make it stop, so I walked outside and smoked a ciggarette. Everything felt WRONG. Every sense and every thought. The best way I can think to describe it is that I was out of sync with the rest of humanity. My mind no longer held thoughts in the form of spoken language. It was full of patterns that represented everything I was feeling and doing. When I tried talking to somone I had to translate these patterns into speech which was exhausting to say the least. When I thought about smoking a ciggarette I didn't say to myself "I think I'll go have a ciggarette", but I can't find a way to describe how the thought process worked. I just knew what smoking a ciggarette was. No words were involved. I would occasionaly remember how my mind worked previously and try to put it back by forcing spoken language and putting myself around people that were talking and forcing myself to try and comprehend the meaning of these words in my mind. Every time I formed a thought to build on, it was torn down and I was left with nothing. The part that scared me though is that it was torn down by my inability to understand it. The simplest of concepts baffled me. I honestly felt retarded and there was nothing I could do about it. What is left to define yourself if your ability to understand is removed? I felt like I was hanging onto existance by a thread. Devolving if you will.

I wanted to reboot my brain. I thought I was overloading it so I went to my room, layed down on my bed and completely relaxed hoping I would pass out. Everything became patterns again like in the chair. A huge thought loop. Existance was different. I no longer knew anything. I couldn't hold a rational thought for the life of me. I wondered if I was approaching ego death, I understood what self was but I couldn't relate it to anything. Hell, the only thing I could understand were those hellish patterns swirling about in my head. Was I going mad? Perhaps on the edge of a breakthrough but not quite there? I saw life as a chain of actions and reactions. Every movement, every noise, everything was a reaction to something that was a reaction to something before it (The idea of free will went out the window). This was the only concept that I understood. It felt neverending, like things have always been this way and would always be this way (That I had just never seen the way it works before). There were moments where the mental discomfort was tolerable and I would hold on to those moments for as long as I could before they gave way to other moments were I felt like my mind was in hell. I had lost control. I could no longer relate myself to my environment. My ability to understand and use logic was crushed. I was defeated and could no longer find a way to fight it.

The best way I can think to describe the sensation is "Ordered Chaos". I know, it doesn't make sense but I can think of no other way to describe it.

Over the next three hours my mind slowly returned to normal.

So was this the fabled ego-death I hear so much about but could never willingly bring myself to undergo?

Just a huge thought loop?

A very strange form of abstract thinking?

During the experience it felt like hell, but in retrospect I feel very good about it. I do feel very humbled and embarrassed by becoming such a gibbering fool but I'm still sorting my thoughts out about it. Any input?


--------------------
PK

All information and images posted by myself are fictional and for entertainment purposes only. I accept no responsibility for inapropriate or Illegal use of this information.


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InvisiblePsilosKube
I'm eat todd did

Registered: 07/08/02
Posts: 682
Loc: In bed with your woman
Re: A very confusing experience. [Re: PsilosKube]
    #1671672 - 06/29/03 04:55 PM (13 years, 5 months ago)

Reading over my post I'd like to add that I think I first lost my ability to utilize logic.

Then I started seperating from my ego.

The loss of 'traditional' logic (The way I normaly use it) was what confused and scared me so. I apply logic to every thought that enters my mind. I still had a way to translate information during this experience but it did not feel like the logic that I am used to.

Is this making sense?


--------------------
PK

All information and images posted by myself are fictional and for entertainment purposes only. I accept no responsibility for inapropriate or Illegal use of this information.


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InvisibleBoppity604
Stranger
Registered: 10/19/01
Posts: 1,056
Re: A very confusing experience. [Re: PsilosKube]
    #1671892 - 06/29/03 06:47 PM (13 years, 5 months ago)

You were experiencing ego seperation in the traditional sense...but you never "crossed over" fully.  If you did, you wouldn't have been able to relate to the perceptions from an "I" point of view.  Weed can definitely boost you a level or two depending how dank the herb is that you smoke.  I personally liked only combining shrooms and weed in a social setting.  When I tripped solo, I kept it to shrooms only...just my preference.

The more you come close to the threshold for seperation, the easier it is is to simply "let go" and allow the detachment to happen fully.  Once you realize you've "survived" this detachment in previous trips, the anxiety definitely goes away.  But never put down your "guard" fully, for any psychedelic.  The mind has many outlets...and no matter how long you've been tripping, every new trip holds the possibility to take you down a new avenue of detachment.  Respect the trips, and they'll always leave you happy and ready for a new one.  :smile:

Love & Light,

Boppity

PS - You did a great job of verbalizing the experience...I'm giving the thread 5 mushies for the effort.  :smile:


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InvisiblePsilosKube
I'm eat todd did

Registered: 07/08/02
Posts: 682
Loc: In bed with your woman
Re: A very confusing experience. [Re: Boppity604]
    #1671944 - 06/29/03 07:24 PM (13 years, 5 months ago)

Thanks for the honest reply Boppity,

I just finished reading up on some of hoffman's takes on ego death/separation and that definately feels like the direction I was heading in. It's funny though, while the experience was mortifying at the time I feel like I got a glimpse of something that is real. Something I never fathomed before that exists regardless of my believe structure.

When I've read that it will drag you kicking and screaming I had no clue how true those words realy were. I could never bring myself to dose on that high of a level because I knew that I had no clue what the experience was like and so I had no way of preparing myself or gauging myself to decide if I was ready for such an experience. It's been less than 24 hours and I have been doing nothing but reflecting on it. I'm fascinated by it. I want to go back, but without the Psychadelic help. I want to achieve that awareness of the world and integrate it into my day to day life if that is possible.

I need to find some direction in my studies. I need to talk to others and read about similar experiences and interpretations of this phenomenon. I want to take the next step, and since I have a small taste of it I have some idea how I can prepare myself to take it farther a little at a time.

My story above is realy only an overview, as I could not find a coherent way to relate the experience to words and I'm finding that the more time that passes after the event, the more clouded my memory of it becomes, as if it was a fading dream.


--------------------
PK

All information and images posted by myself are fictional and for entertainment purposes only. I accept no responsibility for inapropriate or Illegal use of this information.


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OfflinemindXplorer
mind xplorer

Registered: 10/19/02
Posts: 85
Last seen: 8 years, 6 months
Re: A very confusing experience. [Re: Boppity604]
    #1671948 - 06/29/03 07:30 PM (13 years, 5 months ago)

wow, good description. I had a trip similar to this, not on shrooms but 2C-B + MDMA. First 4hours were awesome and mind-blowing, hours after I became extremley introspective, and instead of questioning logic like you, i questioned my spirtuality and existence. At times I also felt like i was in purgatory, a place between heaven and hell. I felt totally disconnected from the world and myself. I was losing touch of reality and everything I knew was just a figment of my imagination. It was interesting and It tought me a lot. Pyschedelic trips really do open up ones mind and teaches ALOT even it was from a bad trip...you will learn so much on how your mind works.


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OfflineGrav
 User Gallery

Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 4,454
Last seen: 3 years, 11 months
Re: A very confusing experience. [Re: PsilosKube]
    #1672043 - 06/29/03 08:41 PM (13 years, 5 months ago)

Very good description, PsilosKube

really brought back a few of my 'sour' trips... those fucking thought loops that seem to go on for eternity!! ack, what a horrible thing to feel.

Last time it happened to me I really stared it down. I refused to be afraid of it. But then instead of fearful panic, I was just consumed by a feeling of dull emptiness. Life was a dream, a cough in the universe...

I had never existed.


yea, not a fun place. But it's great to pull good things out of the experience after. i think that shows alot of spirit.

If you pursue this, don't forget that balance is the most important thing.


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InvisibleBoppity604
Stranger
Registered: 10/19/01
Posts: 1,056
Re: A very confusing experience. [Re: Grav]
    #1672232 - 06/29/03 10:17 PM (13 years, 5 months ago)

>>I want to achieve that awareness of the world and integrate it into my day to day life if that is possible.

It's called meditation.  :smile:  PM me if you'd like to talk more about my experiences with my own meditational practices.

Love & Light,

Boppity


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OfflineStrumpling
Neuronaut
Registered: 10/11/02
Posts: 7,571
Loc: Hyperspace
Last seen: 5 years, 6 months
Re: A very confusing experience. [Re: PsilosKube]
    #1672859 - 06/30/03 03:10 AM (13 years, 5 months ago)

yes weed and mushrooms have an interesting synergy - I seem to get effects from doing both that neither drug supplies on its own..


--------------------
Insert an "I think" mentally in front of eveything I say that seems sketchy, because I certainly don't KNOW much. Also; feel free to yell at me.
In addition: SHPONGLE


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