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Re: tell your jokes here [Re: Ego Death]
    #9489288 -

Ego Death said:
Whats the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute ?

One washes their crack and sells it again.


I wish they were all that hygienic


--------------------


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Re: tell your jokes here [Re: CosmicFool]
    #9489321 -

So Jesus and Moses got together by a lake to have a bite to eat and reminisce about old times. 

Jesus says to Moses, "Hey, I bet you can't part the waters of this lake you used to."

Moses goes, "Ok, lemme try." He gets up, raises his arms and walking stick up high and commands the water to part. To his disappointment, nothing happens. "Ahh damn it, I must be too old." He says.

Moses says to Jesus, "Well alright, I bet you can't walk on water like you used to."

Jesus takes his challenge and walks out onto the lake. He finds that he slowly starts sinking and eventually has to swim back to shore, "Damn it, I can't do it!" He exclaims.

Moses laughs and says, "Yeah, I bet it was a lot easier when you didn't have those holes in your feet and hands."


--------------------
Word to your mom.

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Re: tell your jokes here [Re: Jer]
    #9489334 -

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, you're already told her twice.



What do you do if an epeliptic has a fit in the bath?
Chuck your washing in.



Abortion: It really brings out the child in you.



So this guy comes home and sees his girlfriend is pissed. Her bags are packed and she's leaving him. He rushes over to her and asks what's wrong. She says, "Someone told me you're a pedophile!!!" And he says "Well isn't that a big word for a 9-year-old."


--------------------

"If at first you don't succeed, you're about average."

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Re: tell your jokes here [Re: CosmicFool]
    #9489344 -

Why to ocean fish only swim in salt water?
Pepper makes them sneeze.


A white man, a black man, and a messican man find a magic lamp in the dessert. The genie of the lamp is gracious enough to grant each man one wish.

The black man goes first and asks the Genie "Please return all my people back to their mother land." And so it is done, all the black people were returned to Africa.

The Mexican goes next and says of the Genie "Well that seems like a pretty good wish. I want the same thing for my people." Poof, all the Mexican were back in Latin America.

The white man steps up last and asks the Genie "So let me get this straight. All the black people are in Africa and all the Mexicans are in Mexico? Well then all I really need is a coke."


--------------------
"Every moment of one's existence one is growing into more or retreating into less. One is always living a little more or dying a little bit." -Norman Mailer

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Re: tell your jokes here [Re: Jer]
    #9489362 -

Okay guys, time for my last joke. Womens Right's.

:P 




(Old I know, but still funny.)


--------------------

"If at first you don't succeed, you're about average."

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Re: tell your jokes here [Re: Ego Death]
    #9489381 -

Its the day after Christmas and little Jimmy is playing with his brand new train set that Santa brought him for Christmas. Father is out running errands and mother is in the next room (kitchen) cooking and such.

The mother can overhear her son in the next room as he happily plays with his new train. "All aboard the 12:00....vrooooooooooom vroooooom"

The mother thought it was so cute that little Jimmy had such an imagination.

She continues cooking, he continues playing........

"All aboard the 12:10 train......if you are at your stop then GET THE FUCK OFF.....if this is  your train then GET THE FUCK ON........VRoooooooooooooooooooom vroooom"

Mother was not happy to hear such language and she stormed into the living room...."JIMMY....we do not use that language in this house....now go to your room for one hour and think about the dirty, unacceptable language that you just used"

So Jimmy goes to his room, and like a good kid he stays in there for one hour in silence. When the hour was up mother went to his room and told Jimmy his punishment was over and she hopes that he learned his lesson about using such language and the punishment it will bring in the future

Jimmy goes back to playing with his trains and mom returns to work in the kitchen......again she overhears him playing.....

"vroooooooooom....all aboard the 1:15 train....if this is your stop then...........please exit the train.......if this is your train......please get on board."

The mother smiled as the punishment had worked and young Jimmy had learned his lesson. then she overhears....

"And if  you are wondering why the train is an hour late, ask the cunt in the kitchen"





lol dustin hoffman told that joke on conan last night i was cracking up


--------------------
"They call it a trip because it takes you places"
~TC


All i know is something like a bird within her sang/ All i know she sang a little while and then flew on/Tell me all that you know, i'll show you snow and rain.

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Re: tell your jokes here [Re: deadHead321]
    #9489407 -

Why does Rupert the bear wear a yellow and black corduroy jacket?


Cause hes a fucking twat.



Whats the hardest part of roller blading?



telling ur parents your gay.

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Re: tell your jokes here [Re: Jer]
    #9489409 -

2 men walk into a bar, the 3rd one ducks :rimshot:

how do you make an 8y/o cry twice?
-you wipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear

what's the difference between a blond and a 747?
- not everybodys been inside a 747

what's the difference between your mom and a mallard w/ a cold?
- one's a sick duck... ... I forget how it ends but your mothers a whore


--------------------


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Re: tell your jokes here [Re: CosmicFool]
    #9489435 -

CosmicFool said:
2 men walk into a bar, the 3rd one ducks :rimshot:

how do you make an 8y/o cry twice?
-you wipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear

what's the difference between a blond and a 747?
- not everybodys been inside a 747

what's the difference between your mom and a mallard w/ a cold?
- one's a sick duck... ... I forget how it ends but your mothers a whore

LOL@Last one. Sean Connery's the shit. :laugh:


--------------------

"If at first you don't succeed, you're about average."

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Re: tell your jokes here [Re: Jer]
    #9489441 -

what do michael jackson and cheez-wiz have in common?
they both come on little crackers.


--------------------

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Re: tell your jokes here [Re: Protoman]
    #9489446 -

Protoman said:
Why to ocean fish only swim in salt water?
Pepper makes them sneeze.


A white man, a black man, and a messican man find a magic lamp in the dessert. The genie of the lamp is gracious enough to grant each man one wish.

The black man goes first and asks the Genie "Please return all my people back to their mother land." And so it is done, all the black people were returned to Africa.

The Mexican goes next and says of the Genie "Well that seems like a pretty good wish. I want the same thing for my people." Poof, all the Mexican were back in Latin America.

The white man steps up last and asks the Genie "So let me get this straight. All the black people are in Africa and all the Mexicans are in Mexico? Well then all I really need is a coke."


Gotta love The Boondock Saints.


--------------------

"If at first you don't succeed, you're about average."

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Re: tell your jokes here [Re: CosmicFool]
    #9489492 -

CosmicFool said:
Ego Death said:
Whats the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute ?

One washes their crack and sells it again.


I wish they were all that hygienic


:lol:

Too true.
Too true.

Anyway



Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."


--------------------
We're All Mad Here

My Dials Are Pupilated.

Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes, and cannot tell the difference between reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually think about will manifest itself in our lives.

JAMAIS VU- No matter how well you know someone, They're always a stranger.

Did perpetual happiness in the Garden of Eden maybe get so boring that eating the apple was justified?

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Re: tell your jokes here [Re: intenttoDeMenT]
    #9489521 -

oh And



The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles." The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?" The general replied, "In Vietnam."


--------------------
We're All Mad Here

My Dials Are Pupilated.

Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes, and cannot tell the difference between reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually think about will manifest itself in our lives.

JAMAIS VU- No matter how well you know someone, They're always a stranger.

Did perpetual happiness in the Garden of Eden maybe get so boring that eating the apple was justified?

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Re: tell your jokes here [Re: intenttoDeMenT]
    #9489540 -

Not mine, but my brothers.

What did two Italian yeast packets say to one another? Fabreadaboutit.


--------------------
With Allure I Look to the Sky With Awakened Eyes

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Re: tell your jokes here [Re: deadHead321]
    #9489718 -

:rofl2:

I just looked up a quick one so my post added a little something.

"There are three side effects of acid. Enhanced long term memory, decreased short term memory,
and I forget the third."


--------------------
The Psychedelic Salon -- Erowid -- MAPS -- The Genesis Generation

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Re: tell your jokes here [Re: bryguy27007]
    #9489841 -

So a farmer has his family from the city visiting his farm and hes walking around giving his brother a tour of his land.

He notices a pig that only has three legs and asks "whats wrong with that pig?"

The farmer replies "Nothing, that is actually the best pig you have ever seen."

His brother replies "How so?"

"Well he actually looks after the other pigs.  He herds them and if there is a hole in the fence he finds me and when I notice that he shouldn't be out of the pin he walks back to the hole in the fence and shows me it."

"Wow, that is amazing!  I wish I had a pig like that, but why does it only have three legs?"

"Well, you can't eat a pig that good all at once."


--------------------

Customize your Shroomery experience!
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

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Re: tell your jokes here [Re: Idiot]
    #9490079 -

How do you know when you're at a gay bbq?
All the hot dogs taste like shit.

How do you fit 4 gay guys on a stool?
Turn it upside down.



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Re: tell your jokes here [Re: Hiei]
    #9490084 -

Q: Why is PMS called PMS?

A: Because mad cow disease was already taken


Q: Why did god create yeast infection?

A: To show women what its like to live with a miserable cunt.



I got so many slaps in the face telling those 2 jokes to chicks.....funny though.


--------------------


Nature is my God, Science is my religion.

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Re: tell your jokes here [Re: DrunkenAttempt]
    #9490288 -

.

Edited by Beanhead (06/29/15 08:45 AM)

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Re: tell your jokes here [Re: Beanhead]
    #9491313 -

here are more :biggrin:

Three guys go on a skiing trip, they get to the hotel and check in. At the desk, the desk clerk says the hotel only has one room left and that it's a single bed. the three guys agree that's it's alright, so they go to the room, and go to sleep in the same bed to rest up for the next day of skiing. In the middle of the night, the guy on the left wakes up, and screams,"I had a dream that I was being jerked off!" the guy on the right side says,"I had the same dream!" the guy in the middle of the bed says,"that is weird, I had a dream that i was skiing."

There's this this girl standing on the edge of the cliff. A guy walking the mountain trail walks over and says 'hey! if your going to kill yourself, you wanna give me a blowjob first? She says "My life's been nothign but crap anyways, why not." So she does the deed and afterwards the guy says "Wow, that was great! Why are you commiting suicide anyways? She says "Because my family disowned me for dressing like a woman"

---What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
They can smell it but they can't eat it!



---So George goes over to his buddy's place and his wife answers the door.
Wife - Oh, hi my hubby isn't home right now but you can come in he should be home soon. They both sit down.
George - You know what......you've got great breasts and I'd love to see them. I'll give you $200 to see the left one.
She agrees and shows him the left breast.
George - Wow that's awesome! But I'm not satisfied, show me the right one and I'll give you another $200.
She shows him the right one.
George - Wow! Fuck this, I'm sooooo turned on, I'll give you $600 if you give me a lap dance.
She gives him a lap dance, they start taking off each others clothes and then they start having sex. After a while the guy gets up and leaves. A few minutes later her husband comes home and says........
Husband - Hey honney, did George come buy and drop off that $1000 he owes me?

:uptosomething:


--------------------
"Life lived in the absence of the psychedelic experience that primordial shamanism is based on is life trivialized, life denied, life enslaved to the ego."

"You teach the world how to treat you, by showing the world how you treat yourself."

A well developed sense of humor is far superior to any religion"

"Everything you could want and could be, you already have and are."

:peace: & :heart:

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