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BrAiN
Art Fag

Registered: 03/01/01
Posts: 6,875
Loc: Chocolate City
Last seen: 2 years, 5 months
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: BrAiN]
#7697951 - 11/30/07 08:32 AM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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What do you call a black man who flies a plane?
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a PILOT, ya fuckin' racist!
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KilroyMilosevik
Swiss Ego



Registered: 02/14/07
Posts: 989
Loc: Northwest of Nowhere
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Two black kids are riding a bike down the interstate to the next town. One is riding on the handle-bars, the other is peddling. They casually ride down the shoulder of the road until a piece of glass is run over and a tire goes flat. Now they are walking their bike.... but meanwhile , down the road a bit is a freight trucker who is in a hell of a hurry.
The trucker has a heart though, and even though he is already late, he sees the two boys and pulls over to give them a ride.
Trucker - "Where are you kids headed"
Kids - "We are headed into town to see a friend as well as fix this tire"
Trucker - "Well, I can give you a ride, but my cab is full. You'll have to ride in the back"
Kids - "Thanks!"
The two kids hop in the trailer and notice that it is full of bowling balls.
The trucker races down the interstate at top speed because now he is really running late. Just his luck; a cop clocks him speeding and pulls him over. There are two cops in the vehicle, but only one steps out to talk to the trucker and write him a ticket.
Cop - "Do you know why I pulled you over sir?"
Trucker - "Of course I do! I'm in a fucking hurry, just write me the damn ticket so I can go!"
Cop - "Where are you headed, sir?"
Trucker - "Who gives a fuck!?! I'm late! Write me the damn ticket!"
Cop - "Sir, I don't appreciate your impatience, and it's making me suspicious.... do you mind if I check you freight?"
Trucker - "I don't give a fuck! Just hurry up!!"
The cop walks around to the trailer door. He opens it, gets a startled look and immediately closes it. He runs back up to the cab of the truck:
Cop - "Get the fuck out of here! I don't want to see you on this stretch of road again!"
Trucker - "Fair enough"
The trucker pulls out and continues driving. The police officer returns to his vehicle looking like he saw a ghost. His partner notices:
Partner - "What's the matter with you?"
Cop - "That trucker was hauling Nigger eggs! Two had hatched and one has already stolen a bike!"
Drum roll?
Best racist joke I know... and I don't even like racist jokes. I like this one though... I fuck it up and laugh every time I tell it.
-------------------- -The door. -The door is closed. -Why is the door closed? *Gasps* -Why DOES the door close!?
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BrAiN
Art Fag

Registered: 03/01/01
Posts: 6,875
Loc: Chocolate City
Last seen: 2 years, 5 months
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: BrAiN]
#7697960 - 11/30/07 08:36 AM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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An American tourist is getting drunk at a bar in London and decides its time to walk back to his hotel.
Halfway home he REALLY has to piss and finds an alley. A British police officer finds him and yells "HEY! You can't do there here in public!"
"But i really have to go" says the America.
The officer says "OK. Well follow me. I'll find you a place that's out of the way and a little less disgusting.". They walk for a couple blocks and the officer leads the American into a quiet, beautiful plaza with a fountain, amazing architecture, landscaping, a very serene and beautiful place.
The American does his business on the plaza grass and then says "Wow thanks. This is better than going in a nasty alley. Is this what they call Brittish hopitality"?
"No", replies the officer. "It's what we call the 'French embassy'".
WAKA WAKA WAKA!!!
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BrAiN
Art Fag

Registered: 03/01/01
Posts: 6,875
Loc: Chocolate City
Last seen: 2 years, 5 months
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: BrAiN]
#7697966 - 11/30/07 08:40 AM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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A women is laying in bed about to go to sleep.
Her hustband walks in holding a duck under his arms and says "This is the pig I've been fucking every night".
The woman, shocked, says "bb..b.. but... That's not a pig. It's a duck".
The husband replies "I wasn't talking to you."
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KilroyMilosevik
Swiss Ego



Registered: 02/14/07
Posts: 989
Loc: Northwest of Nowhere
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: BrAiN]
#7697969 - 11/30/07 08:41 AM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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Three catholic priests are rushing to church. They are late and almost running. As they are on their way they notice a homeless child in the gutter nursing a broken leg. As they walk by him they discuss -
1st priest: Should we help him?
2nd priest: Nah, fuck him....
3rd priest: Do we have time?
-------------------- -The door. -The door is closed. -Why is the door closed? *Gasps* -Why DOES the door close!?
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BrAiN
Art Fag

Registered: 03/01/01
Posts: 6,875
Loc: Chocolate City
Last seen: 2 years, 5 months
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Oh you KNOW I got more catholic jokes:
A priest is sitting in the confessional awaiting to perform penance:
* One man walks in and says "Father I shoplifted yesterday. What do you normally give for stealing"
The priest says "One OUR FATHER and TWO HAIL MARYS". THe man leaves and says the prays
* ANother man walks in and says "Father I was staring at my neighbor's wife undressing through my window. What do you normally give for coveting your neighbor's wife?"
The priest says "One ACT OF CONTRITION, TWO OUR FATHERS, and 5 HAIL MARYS". The man leaves and says his prayers.
* Another man walks in and says "father, I had a prostitute perform oral sex on me last night. What do you normally give for a blowjob?"
The priest says "Candy"
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ToTheSummit
peregrinus



Registered: 08/22/99
Posts: 9,126
Loc: Las Vegas
Last seen: 7 days, 15 hours
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
#7700952 - 11/30/07 09:41 PM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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One day there is a big blizzard. This tow-truck driver is driving down the road and he sees a car that slid off the side into a ditch. He pulls over and there is a lady standing there next to the car.
She runs over to his tow-truck and exclaims, "Thank God you came along! I didn't think I'd ever get out of here!"
"Don't worry about it ma'am." he replies, "You're the third pregnant woman I've pulled out of a ditch today."
She looks confused and says, "But I'm not pregnant."
He grins... "You're not out of the ditch yet either!"
-------------------- You invented the wheel....You push the motherfucker!!
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LeftyBurnz
Mr. I Eat Butthole



Registered: 06/21/05
Posts: 24,570
Loc: FL
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a penguin walks into a bar, asks the bartender if he has seen his father, bartender says "whats he look like?"
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deXtrous
complete tool



Registered: 04/24/06
Posts: 1,743
Loc: Australia
Last seen: 9 months, 26 days
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: LeftyBurnz]
#7701282 - 11/30/07 11:03 PM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
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x2and2makes5
Fool on a hill




Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 1,765
Loc: PA
Last seen: 11 years, 21 days
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: deXtrous]
#7701341 - 11/30/07 11:27 PM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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some short mean ones first
whats the opposite of christopher reeves? christopher walkin
what do you do with a wet gun? put it in the Dwyer
Whats the florida state vegetable? Terry Schiavo
-------------------- Try to realise it's all within yourself no one else can make you change And to see you're really only very small and life flows on within you and without you MUST HAVE MUSIC 1 2 Shroomery Music Exchange
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coda
Banjo Goiter



Registered: 03/20/01
Posts: 8,750
Last seen: 10 months, 2 days
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A man walks into a pub one day and notices they are having a contest. He walks up to the bartender what the contest is and what the prize will be.
"well" the bartender says "it's simple. All you have to do is throw five bucks in the jar, head into the john, and make the horse in the stall laugh."
The man ponders this for a second, takes one look at the jar which is overflowing with five dollar bills, smiles, and hands the barkeep 5 bucks.
"i have to warn you" the bartender said as he smiled "this contest has been running for months now and no one has won."
The man just smiles, nods, and heads into the bathroom. The bar becomes dead silent as the door closes, each person straining to hear anything that could be going on in the bathroom. The man is in the bathroom for less then a minute before the whole bar hears a loud whinny and laughter coming from the bar. The bartender jumps over the bar, runs to the bathroom, flings open the door, and sure enough there's the horse laughing away with tears streaming down it's face.
Beaming the man picks up his winnings, buys the bar a round, and leaves the bar.
A few months later the same man walks into the bar and just like before there is another contest running. He takes a seat at the bar, orders a beer, then asks the bartender what the contest is this time and what the prize will be.
"Well this time the entry fee is 10 dollars and you have to make my horse cry" said the bar keep
Again the man ponders this for a second, smiles, and pays the entry fee. The barkeep doesn't try to stop him this time, he's convinced nothing on this world could make his horse cry. The whole bar calms down to silence again as the man strolls to the bathroom. After a minute a quick burst of laughter is heard but the laughter is short lived because soon after the sobs and crying began. Once again the barkeep flips over the bar, races to the door, and flings it open. The man is found beaming in the mens room as the horse is in heap on the floor sobbing its eyes out.
"Son" the barkeep said as he reluctantly handed over the jar "I gotta ask you this time because before i thought it was just dumb luck you made my horse laugh. How did you do it, how did you make my horse laugh?"
"Welp" the man said after taking a big gulp of his beer " it was pretty easy actually. The first time i walked up to your horse, took a look at his cock, and told him my dick was bigger then his"
"Huh" the barkeep laughed "yah i guess that is a pretty good joke, but son, how did you make him cry?"
"Aw, hell" said the man "that was even easier. I had to ask him again if he remembered i said my dick was bigger then his, when he started laughing, i showed him."
-------------------- To get really high is to forget yourself. And to forget yourself is to see everything else. And to see everything else is to become an understanding molecule in evolution, a conscious tool of the universe. And I think every human being should be a conscious tool of the universe. . . . -JG i really am glad you came back to us instead of taking the other path. *hug* -A_S (RIP your final words to me will never be forgotten)
 Don't fuck with the laughing jesus.
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Itzpointless
eh...



Registered: 09/24/06
Posts: 290
Loc: ATL
Last seen: 14 years, 10 months
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: coda]
#7701735 - 12/01/07 03:00 AM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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What do you call a bear with no teeh?
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A gummy bear
-------------------- Existence is no longer a riddle to be solved, but a mystery to behold.
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Azen
Legalize ALL!



Registered: 10/04/05
Posts: 309
Loc: Seattle, Wa
Last seen: 10 years, 4 months
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
#7701824 - 12/01/07 04:59 AM (16 years, 2 months ago) |
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I have a few Confucius jokes:
"Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok."
"Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing."
"Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary."
"Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk."
"It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it."
"Virgin like balloon: one prick, all gone."
"He who run in front of car get tired...He who run behind car get exhausted."
I have more but I'm too tired right now .
Azen
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ivi


Registered: 01/30/03
Posts: 9,089
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
#7701829 - 12/01/07 05:04 AM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University.
It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin):
"Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale".
Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.
Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.
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sam420
CertifiedReptilianOverlord



Registered: 01/14/05
Posts: 3,144
Loc: Scotland
Last seen: 8 years, 5 months
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: ivi]
#7701999 - 12/01/07 08:03 AM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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what do you get if you put a baby in a box of knives and kick it down the stairs?
an erection
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i'm a spy huntin rap dinosaur from the future
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Colbadol
Reality Mechanic


Registered: 03/05/05
Posts: 1,722
Last seen: 7 years, 10 months
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: sam420]
#7702049 - 12/01/07 08:34 AM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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i dont have a joke, so thisll have to do.
there once was a chick from devises who's tits were two different sizes one was quite small not nothing at all the other was huge and won prizes.
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BrAiN
Art Fag

Registered: 03/01/01
Posts: 6,875
Loc: Chocolate City
Last seen: 2 years, 5 months
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: sam420]
#7702055 - 12/01/07 08:36 AM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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ahhhhhh dead baby jokes!!!
How do you keep a dead baby from drowning in a puddle?>
take your foot of its head
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BrAiN
Art Fag

Registered: 03/01/01
Posts: 6,875
Loc: Chocolate City
Last seen: 2 years, 5 months
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: BrAiN]
#7702070 - 12/01/07 08:42 AM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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Here's one that can come in handy for you college students.
A kid walks into a huge lecture hall with a couple hundred students for his final exam. He's not prepared at all and knows he's going to fail.
THe teacher passes out the tests and tells everyone they have two hours. Everyone starts.
Students finish one by one and put their exams in a giant stack on the teacher's desk at front. Two hours go by and he's the only one left. The Teacher yells "TIME" but the one, ill prepared student just keeps on working and working. "TIME!" THe professor yells again but the student keeps on working.
Astonished at the lack of respect, the teacher just sits there for THIRTY MORE MINUTES as the student finishes up.
Half an hour past the deadline the student walks up to the professor and hands the test to the teacher.
The teacher sits there with his arms crossed and says "You realized you went THIRTY MINUTES OVER THE LIMIT! I'm not going to grade this thing. You failed".
"Do you know my name?", the student asks.
"What?"
"Do you know my name?", the student asks again?
"Uhhhh no"
The student then slides his test paper right in the middle of the giant stack and knocks over the entire pile of 200 tests.
"Too bad" says the student and then he walks away.
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poke smot!
floccinocci floofinator



Registered: 01/08/03
Posts: 5,248
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Re: tell us a joke... *DELETED* [Re: Azen]
#7707069 - 12/02/07 03:19 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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Post deleted by poke smot!Reason for deletion: x
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BrAiN
Art Fag

Registered: 03/01/01
Posts: 6,875
Loc: Chocolate City
Last seen: 2 years, 5 months
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: poke smot!]
#7707092 - 12/02/07 03:24 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nuthin... you already told her twice
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