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Invisiblehoboblues
Male
Registered: 03/26/06
Posts: 610
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: ToTheSummit]
    #6454502 - 01/13/07 02:11 AM (17 years, 19 days ago)

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so
we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends
encouraged me, and my girlfriend was a dream.

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one
thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was 20 years of age, wore tight mini skirts
and low cut blouses. She would bend down when quite near me and I got
many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate---she
never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me
that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me
that she couldn't overcome, and really didn't want to overcome. She told
me she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up
and get me".

I was stunned, frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When
she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the
stairs at me.

I stood there a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight to my
car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he
hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little
test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the
family".


The moral of the story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car.

-------------------------------------------------------

From "The Boondock Saints"...

There's these three guys walking on the beach, a mexican, a white guy, and a black guy. They find this pot, rub it, and a genie comes out. The genie says, "You can wish for whatever you want." So he asks the Mexican what he wants, and he says "I want all my people in America to be happy and free, and in Mexico." So the genie goes poof. It's done. Then he says to the black guy "What do you want?" and the black guy says, "I want all my brothers to be back in Africa, and happy and free and everything." So the genie goes poof. And they're all back in Africa. So he says to the white guy, "What's your one wish?" And the white guy says, "Wait, you mean to tell me that all the spics and niggers are out of America?" The genie goes yeah, and the white guy says, uh, "I'll have a Coke, then."


--------------------


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Invisibleblissedout
Male User Gallery

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 22,320
Loc: Yonder Flag
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: hoboblues]
    #6454505 - 01/13/07 02:14 AM (17 years, 19 days ago)

:crazy::lol:

:rimshot:?


--------------------



:murray:


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OfflineGr8fulJ420
strange but nota stranger
Male User Gallery

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 2,778
Loc: 0 moco
Last seen: 1 year, 2 months
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #6454509 - 01/13/07 02:16 AM (17 years, 19 days ago)

What do you call the postman who lost his job?




















Uhh.... just some dude?


-Sifl & Ollie :-)


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OfflineJadian
Ninja
Male User Gallery

Registered: 07/07/05
Posts: 7,404
Loc: The desert
Last seen: 6 years, 1 month
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #6454510 - 01/13/07 02:16 AM (17 years, 19 days ago)

Alright, a Canadian guy goes on a vacation to Vegas to have the time of his life. He figures while he's in Vegas he might as well visit one of the famous whore houses in the area. He gets himself an inside scoop about a great place right outside town that has the best girls that will do absolutely anything.

The guy gets to the whore house, and gets set up with a girl. He's in the main room with her still having some wine and talking, when he leans over and whispers something in her ear.

She loudly screams "NO!" and runs off. The mistress of the whore house notices this and gets angry at the girl, who was rather new, and quickly finds a more seasoned girl to suit this man's request. The Canadian is again paired up with a lady, they're sharing drinks and walking towards a room when he whispers something in her ear.

Again, this woman screams "NO!" and goes into the room alone and slams the door in his face. At this point, the mistress is furious, and curious at the same time. She was quite the whore herself back in the day, so she decides she'll handle this guy, as there's nothing she hadn't done before. They start talking, and they get into a private room when the guy leans over and whispers..

"Can I pay in Canadian money?"


--------------------
LNC's official Alaskan stoner
:jackdaniels::drooling::jackdaniels:


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InvisibleEgo Death
Justadropofwaterinanendlesssea
 User Gallery

Registered: 04/27/03
Posts: 10,447
Loc: The War Machine
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #6454685 - 01/13/07 05:30 AM (17 years, 18 days ago)

Whats the difference between a crack dealer and a whore???



One washes their crack - and sells it again! :lol:


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OfflineSneezingPenis
ACHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!111!
 User Gallery
Registered: 01/15/05
Posts: 15,427
Last seen: 6 years, 8 months
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: Ego Death]
    #6454693 - 01/13/07 05:41 AM (17 years, 18 days ago)

An enormously strong guy suspects his wife is cheating on him. So he tells her that he is leaving on a business trip for 3 days.
He kisses his wife goodbye and then hits the local pub for a few hours before storming into his house.
He runs up to the second story of the house and finds his wife in bed, alone, and she frantically asks "Honey, what are you doing home! I thought you were on a business trip?".
He says "Shut up bitch, I know you're cheating on me", and proceeds to look under the bed. Nothing.
He looks in the closet. Nothing.
He looks in the bathroom. Nothing.

Then he hears a door close. He looks out his second story window and sees a business man with a business suit on, walking down the road.
He thinks to himself, "That is the shit who is porking my wife", and in his rage, he picks up a refrigerator and throws it off the balcony ont top of the business man.

AT THE GATES OF HEAVEN......

Abusiness man wearing a business suit walks up to the gates of heaven and before him sits St. Peter.
St. peter asks "Why are you here?"
The business man says "Get this shit! Im walking down the road, minding my own business, and out of nowhere, a refridgerator falls on top of me and kills me!".
St. peter checks his books and says "Very well then, you may enter".

Then a naked guy walks up.
St. Peter asks "Why are you here?"
The naked man replies, "Get this shit..... Im in this guys refridgerator.....".


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OfflineSneezingPenis
ACHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!111!
 User Gallery
Registered: 01/15/05
Posts: 15,427
Last seen: 6 years, 8 months
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: SneezingPenis]
    #6454701 - 01/13/07 05:55 AM (17 years, 18 days ago)

What did one testicle say to the other?
why should we hang when slim did the shootin'?

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender say "Hey stranger, why the long face?".

How many men does it take to change a kitchen lightbulb?
none. let the bitch cook in the dark.

President Clinton peeks out his office and asks the first intern he sees, "Hey, can you come in here and look at my new presidential clock?".
The intern replies "I dont know, I heard about the last intern that went into your office".
Clinton says "No, seriously, I want someone to come in and tell me what they think about my new presidential clock".
So the intern goes in the office, and before she can close the door, Clinton drops his pants.
She screams, "That isnt a clock!"
Clinton replies, "It will be once you put your face and two hands on it.".


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Offlinetonyperez420
Shaman Rasta

Registered: 11/03/04
Posts: 1,234
Last seen: 10 years, 11 months
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: SneezingPenis]
    #6454835 - 01/13/07 08:06 AM (17 years, 18 days ago)

a joke for when you want to hang up on someone...

whats about 7 inches long and sometimes goes dead

What? (they will perversely think dick)

hang up the phone

if they are not a stupid pot head they will know you meant phone


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OfflineExplosiveMango
HallucinogenusDigitallus
Male User Gallery

Registered: 07/12/05
Posts: 3,222
Last seen: 14 years, 2 months
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: tonyperez420]
    #6455019 - 01/13/07 09:44 AM (17 years, 18 days ago)

(Michael Jackson Joke)

When is it bedtime in Never Land?

























When the big hand touches the little hand!


--------------------
Know your self.
Know your substance.
Know your source.

The most distorted perspective possible is the perspective that yours is not distorted.


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InvisibleSilversoul
Rhizome
Male User Gallery

Registered: 01/01/05
Posts: 23,576
Loc: The Barricades
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: ExplosiveMango]
    #6455091 - 01/13/07 10:28 AM (17 years, 18 days ago)

Ever tried McDonalds' new Michael Jackson burger? It's 48-year-old meat in 12-year-old buns.


Personally, I prefer an SSY sandwich. That's a pussy sandwich without the P-U.


--------------------


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InvisibledeadHead321
Stranger

Registered: 12/06/04
Posts: 1,180
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: Silversoul]
    #6455145 - 01/13/07 10:45 AM (17 years, 18 days ago)

Two Hindus decided to immigrate to America from India in search of a better life and better opprotunity for their families. When they were fully moved into their new neigborhood, they decided to meet at a cafe for lunch.

The one guy says, "i am so blessed to be here in America. I want to make bet with you...my friend."

The other guy says, "ok, what are the terms of this wager"

"I bet you 1000 american dollars, that one year from today I will be more American then you. We will meet at this very spot, and the winner will be determined."

The other guy agrees and they part ways for a whole year.

One year later they meet back up in the same cafe, at the same table.

"Ok, it has been one year..and I guarantee I am more American then you. Yesterday my wife and I went to my sons little league game, after they won we took the whole team out for pizza and hamburgers, and then we drove home in our SUV and ate a warm apple pie. Now you tell me what is more American then that?"

the other guys looks at him and says...."Fuck you dothead"


--------------------
"They call it a trip because it takes you places"
~TC


All i know is something like a bird within her sang/ All i know she sang a little while and then flew on/Tell me all that you know, i'll show you snow and rain.


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OfflineTuneInTurnOn
Guru
Male User Gallery

Registered: 12/11/06
Posts: 521
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Last seen: 14 years, 2 months
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: Silversoul]
    #6455185 - 01/13/07 11:11 AM (17 years, 18 days ago)

Arab Gardner
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:
"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.
I love you,
Your Father"
The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:
"Beloved Father,
Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'.
I love you, too,
Ahmed"
At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.
A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.
"Beloved Father,
I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.
That's all I could do for you from here.
I love you,
Ahmed."




Talking Clock
Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the otherside of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you as*hole...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"


--------------------
My apartment in New York was on Perry Street, a five minute walk from the White Horse. I often drank there, but I was never accepted because I wore a tie. The real people wanted no part of me.
- The Rum Diary


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OfflineTuneInTurnOn
Guru
Male User Gallery

Registered: 12/11/06
Posts: 521
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Last seen: 14 years, 2 months
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: TuneInTurnOn]
    #6455227 - 01/13/07 11:24 AM (17 years, 18 days ago)

I had to add this:

CHINESE MADE EASY
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes....... READ OUT LOUD...

1) That is not right............................Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?................Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP...............................Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man.....................................Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse.................................Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?......................Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table..........Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift.....................Chin Tu Fat
9) It is very dark in here............................Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet...............Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone...........................No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week.......Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight................................Lei Ying Lo
14) He is cleaning his automobile.................Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive..................Yu Stin Ki Pu


--------------------
My apartment in New York was on Perry Street, a five minute walk from the White Horse. I often drank there, but I was never accepted because I wore a tie. The real people wanted no part of me.
- The Rum Diary


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InvisibleAmatoxin
Injected With A Poison

Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 03/27/05
Posts: 1,934
Loc: Not So Great Britain
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #7639629 - 11/15/07 12:46 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

Following a nasty car accident, a man's wife slips into a coma.

After spending weeks at her bedside, the husband is summoned to the hospital. "It's amazing" says the Doctor, breathlessly. "While bathing your wife, one of the nurses noticed she responded to her breasts being touched."

The husband is very excited, and asks what he can do. "Well," says the doc, "if one erogenous zone provokes a response, perhaps the others will too."

So the husband goes alone into the room, where he slips his hand under the covers and begins to massage her bits. Amazingly, the woman begins to move and even moan a little.

The man tells the doctor, waiting outside. "Excellent!" he says. "If she responds like that to your finger, I think you should try oral sex."

Nodding, the husband returns to the room - but within minutes the heart monitor alarms go off, and the medics pile into the room.

"What happened?" shouts the doctor, as he checks the prone woman's pulse. "I'm not sure," replies the man, looking sheepish. "I think she choked."


--------------------




Sectioned Under The Mental Health Act Sat 20-10-07 to Thurs 01-11-07 for playing TECHNO music


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OfflineStonedShroom
OG shroomerite
 User Gallery

Registered: 10/21/00
Posts: 10,876
Last seen: 6 months, 29 days
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: Amatoxin]
    #7639856 - 11/15/07 01:44 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

So this wife wanted to go on a "girls night out". Her husband was OK with it, but said she had to be home before midnight.

So she goes out, and one fruity cocktail turns into 6 and the next thing she knows it's almost 3am. She grabs a taxi home and walks in right as the cuckoo clock was chiming.

The wife, quick on her feet thought "I'll just cuckoo 9 more times and my husband will think I got home at midnight". So she cuckoos and nestles into bed.

The next morning she comes down for much needed coffee. Her husband was reading the newspaper and didn't say anything to her about coming home late. The wife is feeling quite pleased with herself for tricking him.

As she sat down to drink her cuppa joe her husband puts down the paper and says "I think we need a new cuckoo clock...."

"why?" inquired the wife

"well" the husband started "Last night it cuckoo'd 3 time, said 'OH SHIT' cuckoo'd 3 more times and tripped over the coffee table, cuckoo'd 2 more times and farted, cuckoo'd 4 more times and giggled"


--------------------
We are not human beings going through a temporary spiritual experience.

We are spiritual beings going through a temporary human experience.



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Invisibleblissedout
Male User Gallery

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 22,320
Loc: Yonder Flag
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: StonedShroom]
    #7697653 - 11/30/07 05:21 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

What are the 2 horniest animals in the barnyard?






















































/Enter porn music






Brown chicken, Brown cow!!!














:lol:


--------------------



:murray:


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Invisibleblissedout
Male User Gallery

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 22,320
Loc: Yonder Flag
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #7697654 - 11/30/07 05:22 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

You get it?

Bow chikka bow now?

Fuck me...


--------------------



:murray:


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InvisibleUnholyChild666
I'M GOD
Male
Registered: 03/26/06
Posts: 8,940
Loc: Flag
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #7697741 - 11/30/07 06:53 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

whats the difference between a catholic priest and acne?..............................
The acne waits till the boys atleast 13 to come on his face.


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Offlineoh_ollie
Spores for thepoor?
 User Gallery


Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 116
Last seen: 12 years, 10 months
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: UnholyChild666]
    #7697866 - 11/30/07 08:04 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

OK I hope I can remember and retype this accurately...

a British horse trainer purchased a new horse for several thousand pounds. His colleague questioned what he intended to call the new horse. He replied "My Face" after a few seconds of pondering from the friend; he questioned him why he named it this. he replied: "So i can hear thousands of women at Ascot screaming "Come on My Face, Come on My face"".

:grin:


--------------------
"I don't have big anxieties. I wish I did. I'd be much more interesting." - Roy Lichtenstein

"I like the idea of taking a right into nature instead of a left to a grocery store." - akb112211


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OfflineBrAiN
Art Fag
 User Gallery
Registered: 03/01/01
Posts: 6,875
Loc: Chocolate City
Last seen: 2 years, 5 months
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: oh_ollie]
    #7697903 - 11/30/07 08:22 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

what's the toughest part about rollerblading?

telling your parents that you're gay


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