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Invisibleblissedout
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Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 22,320
Loc: Yonder Flag
tell us a joke...
    #3470979 - 12/09/04 02:13 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

i want you to dig deep and share a laugh with the pub.here's mine for now:


this blonde wants to go horseback riding,but she's never had any proper training. well,daringly, she jumps on the horses back and it immediately springs into action. she is going along at a pretty rapid pace, when she starts sliding off the saddle. not knowing what else to do, she grips her arms tightly around the horse's neck to try and hold on. it's to no avail. she is still slowly sliding off the saddle. well, in a last ditch effort to try and avoid from falling underneath the horse and being trampled, she tries to jump clear of the horse. in doing so, her foot gets caught in the stirrup, so now she is at the mercy of the horse as her head gets pounded on the ground repeatedly.just when she's about to lose consciousness....the wal-mart manager runs out and turns the horse off.

what do ya think?


--------------------



:murray:


Edited by blissedout (12/06/05 09:12 PM)


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InvisibleHendostan
I'm a teapot

Registered: 07/18/04
Posts: 4,444
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3471031 - 12/09/04 02:20 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

:lol: nice..


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Invisiblesucklesworth
Lick me where Ipee
Registered: 08/01/03
Posts: 54,259
Loc: If I was up yer ass you'd...
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3471050 - 12/09/04 02:23 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

how do you catch a polar bear?

well first you gotta drill a hole in the ice

then ya set peas around that hole

when the bear comes to take a pea

ya kick em in the icehole


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InvisibleVvellum
Stranger

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 10,920
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3471085 - 12/09/04 02:29 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

someone posted this in otd...

whats the difference between a fag
and a refridgerator? a fridge doesnt
fart when you pull out the meat.


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OfflinePhychotron
Crazy Mofo
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Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 06/17/02
Posts: 9,102
Loc: In A Forest Of Colossal F...
Last seen: 3 years, 8 months
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: sucklesworth]
    #3471086 - 12/09/04 02:29 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

two peanuts were walking down a dark street one night, one was assaulted


--------------------
On a mission to prove that the truth gets you no where.
They tried the truth, It didn't work. Then they wrote the bible. 

Only the foolish fear the inevitable.


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Invisibleblissedout
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Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 22,320
Loc: Yonder Flag
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: Phychotron]
    #3471208 - 12/09/04 02:53 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

i need more! i just read that horrible news on dimebag darrel.wtf?! here goes nothing:
little johnny is a bad kid. he cusses up a storm, pulls little girls pants down at recess, smokes cigarettes, and is a general menace to all. and he's only in 3rd grade.
well, one day in class...
"alright children today we are going to play a spelling game. i'm going to go down the alphabet beginning with 'a' and i will call on those of you who quietly raise your hands to spell a word beginning with that letter. now who can spell a word beginning with 'a'?" hands were raised and little johnny was in his seat waving his hands frantically "me!me!me!" well the teacher was thinking "hell, no! there are way too many bad things that he can spell to get the class in an uproar." "little suzy spell a word beginning with 'a' " little suzy stands up and says "apple A-P-P-L-E, apple" "that's real good, little suzy. now, who can spell a word starting with 'b'?" once again hands go up and little johnny is again waving frantically "me!me!me!" the teacher is like "no way too many bad words to spell " little bobby spell a word beginning with 'b'" little bobby stands up and says " bible,B-I-B-L-E, bible." "very good little bobby" well, they get all the way down to 'r' and everybody in the class has spelled a word except little johnny. "class, who can spell a word beginning with 'r'?" little johnny STILL hasn't lost heart, he is waving frantically "me!me!me!" the teacher thinks " there isn't too many words that he can spell that are all that bad" "okay, little johnny, spell a word beginning with'r' johnny jumps up, holds his hands out wide and says "rat, R-A-T, rat. a big motherfucker with a dick this long!"


--------------------



:murray:


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Invisibleblissedout
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Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 22,320
Loc: Yonder Flag
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3471379 - 12/09/04 03:25 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

what no jokes? all i hear is crickets. tough crowd


--------------------



:murray:


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InvisibleLiz
Owl Lady
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Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 11/16/04
Posts: 6,962
Loc: Massachusetts
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3471516 - 12/09/04 03:54 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

>LITTLE TONY ON MATH

>A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence
and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on
little TONY.

>He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

>The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking."


>Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3
women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately
licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second
is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is
biting off the top of the ice cream.
>Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the
one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with
the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
>
LITTLE TONY ON MATH
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in
arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'", replies TONY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are
going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an
example of a multi-syllable word?"

TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a
mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he
needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to
use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is
'urinate'. Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly,
and I will allow you to go."
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight,
but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the
same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father
bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in
it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out
beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly
called on little TONY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she
was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"
LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar
after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from
him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will
give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat"
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business.


--------------------
Remember, remember the fifth of November
The gunpowder treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.




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Invisibleblissedout
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Posts: 22,320
Loc: Yonder Flag
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: Liz]
    #3471576 - 12/09/04 04:10 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

:lol: :yesnod: those are great.thanks i didn't think anyone was going to ever post in this thread. i thought you all hated me :sad: :crying:


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:murray:


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Invisibleblissedout
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Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 22,320
Loc: Yonder Flag
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3471674 - 12/09/04 04:34 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

cmon i KNOW that there is more to it than this.


--------------------



:murray:


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InvisibleAsante
Mage
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Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 86,793
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3471838 - 12/09/04 05:09 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

a nerdy one:

What's the difference between democracy and feudalism?

In democracy your vote counts, in feudalism your count votes

*drumroll*
*silence*


--------------------
Omnicyclion.org
higher knowledge starts here


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Offlinenonoman
ambassador
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Registered: 06/25/04
Posts: 1,326
Loc: the wood
Last seen: 5 years, 8 months
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3472087 - 12/09/04 06:01 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

Little Jimmy was given the assignment from his teacher to go home and have a parent tell him a story with a moral and to be able to tell it to the class the next day.
The next day in little Jimmy's class the teacher selected Michelle to tell her story. Michelle said:"My parents have a chicken farm and one day we had 100 eggs, and we thought we would get 100 chicks, but only 90 hatched. The moral of the story is 'don't count your chickens before they hatch'."
The teacher congratulated Michelle on a fine job and chose Bert to tell his story next.
Bert said:"My family has a chicken farm, too. One day we took our eggs to the market in a huge basket, and the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral is 'don't put all your eggs in one basket'."
The teacher congratulated Bert as well and told little Jimmy to tell his story.
Little Jimmy said:"My Dad told me a story of my uncle Bob when he was in Vietnam. Uncle Bob was in a helicopter that was going down over a company of 100 Vietcong and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machete, and a M16. Uncle Bob drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't go to waste, when he hit the ground he killed 75 Vietcong with his M16 'til he ran out of ammo, then he killed 20 with the machete 'til the blade broke, and killed the last 5 with his bare hands. The moral of the story is 'don't fuck with uncle Bob when he's been drinking'."


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Invisibleblissedout
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Posts: 22,320
Loc: Yonder Flag
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: Asante]
    #3472091 - 12/09/04 06:01 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

muhahahaha.back to the top thread


--------------------



:murray:


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InvisibleJohn
ssdp.org

Registered: 08/08/03
Posts: 7,026
Loc: Vancouver, B.C.
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3472393 - 12/09/04 06:58 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

What's everyones favorite vegetable?

---Christopher Reeves.

What do you call a smart blone?

---A Golden retreiver.

A guy was driving down a long stretch of country highway, when he approached a fruit stand. The sign above read, "We have peaches that taste like anything and everything, guaranteed!"
The man thought about it, and decided to stop. He thought this has to be bullshit. So he approaches the old, feeble man behind the stand and says," So, you have peaches that taste like strawberries and cream?"
The old man hands him a peach and the driver takes a bite.
"Mmmmmm, tastes like strawberries," he says.
"Turn it around," the old man says.
The driver turns it around, bites into it, and the other side tastes like cream. The man thinks for a second, and says, "How 'bout steak nad baked potato?"
The old man behind the stand looks for a second, and then comes up with a new peach. He hands it to the weary traveler. He bites into it.
"Tastes like steak," he says.
"Turn it around," the old man says.
"Wow, POTATO!"
The traveler thinks really hard for about 2 minutes before he finally blurts out, "O.K. old man, I bet you don't have one that tastes like pussy!"
The old man produces another peach very quickly and hands it to the driver. He takes a big bite out of it, chews a couple of times, spits it out, and says, "Man, this tastes like SHIT!!"
The old man just grins and says,"Turn it around!"


--------------------
There's a thin line between sanity and insanity... and I just snorted it.


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InvisibleMerkin
neep.
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Registered: 07/04/03
Posts: 27,537
Loc: Ass Flavoured Pie Factory
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3472411 - 12/09/04 07:02 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

a man walks into a bar...... **ouch!**


--------------------
Wheels of cheese wheeels of cheeeeese!!!


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InvisiblezSDMF
Stranger
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Registered: 09/07/04
Posts: 10,562
Loc: lost in nothing
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: John]
    #3472423 - 12/09/04 07:04 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

You know. Little E got in trouble for swearing. 'Scuse me? And you know, Nextel sponsors NASCAR now. I don't like that one bit. I like Winston. And all these people bash us as being rednecks coming out of the wood work eating chew, smoking tobacco, and drinking Busch Beer. Well they?re wrong, we got Budweiser too.

But you know, why couldn't Kotex sponsor NASCAR.

[Announcer voice] We got the Vagasil number 8 car itchin' n burnin' for the number 3 spot. And with the help of the KY Jelly 10 car, the Viagra number 6 car got up into the number 2 hole. [/announcer voice]

And you know, I was in Tulsa Oklahoma a few weeks ago. And you know what Tulsa backwards is? A Slut. That's right. I was there, and I bought a slut, imagine that. She was a midget. First time I ever paid $40 for a girl to go up on me.

And I love going to the strip clubs, I really do. This one time, I started tossing out Monopoly money to the girl. That lasted about 10, $500 bills. She came up to me saying, "Hey what the hell is this? This is fake money!?!"

"Heh, yer damn right it is, and those are fake titties!...Fake titties deserve fake money. Real titties, real money."

And that reminds me, you ever been to a Hooters? I swear, those waitresses shorts are soo short. Damn any shorter and the FDA is gonna have to make them wear hairnets. Oh wait, hold on a second, I think I?ve got some floss stuck in my teeth. Nope, wait, that's just a hair.

And how 'bout that damn airport security? God I hate that. I was just flying from Sacramento to Phoenix the other day and they made me take off my shoes. Can you believe that? All because of some shoe bomber. Shit, why couldn't someone done be a underbriches bomber? Heh, I'd take that job. I'd love to be a airport security then.

"'Scuse me ma'am, yer gonna have to take off yer underpanties." "Yes, it?s FAA policy." "Looovely?.*hunches down and squints* wait a second?What the hell? Hey yall, call the National Guard, this lady has a fuse comin' out of her. She?s got a bomb ready to go off."

I once was datin' this one girl. She was a beauty, looked like Shania Twain, but shorter and Vietnamese. Her name was Pong. She did this act. She could take ping pong balls, 3 different colors and insert them. She?d do her dance around stuff, then say to you, *Vietnamese voice* "Ahhh, choose a cala!?

"uh, blue"

*POP* "ahhh, blue!"

I once took her to mama's house. That wasn't good. Mama asked for a roll to be passed when she couldn't find them and Pong shot em out again.

I was with this one girl. She kept saying, "lets do 69 69!" I didn't know what she meant, and then she plopped her ass right on my face, and I got nailed with 3 farts. Can you believe that? She nailed me right below my eye, 3 times. Shit, I don?t know about you, but I don?t need to experience 65 more of those.

But you know, our love is mutual. She was all worried. I said "oh what's wrong!?!?" and she told me she thought she had a tumor in her crack. I said, 'ha, you can't get a tumor in yer crack." And so Aunt Bella wanted me to check her out to see, shit babe, the last thing I want to do is look in yer ass for a tumor.

So she got all worried. Went to the doctor. Had MRIs and CAT scans done. Turns out it was a milk-dud. And there were also a dorito, 2 funyions, and a cheeto. Oh and a cheese-it too. Forgot about the cheese-it. She was all worried about where they came from. I told her, "shit woman, clean yer fuckin couch and that'd solve the problem bitch!"


And you know, I love my redneck friends. They're the greatest. I met Rick one day. Just came up to me and looked at ma truck and said, 'Wooo-weee. That's a fine lookin truck you got there." And so I said, 'yeah, I just got her worked on, fixed the rear end, lifted the front. She's a beaut." And you know, our conversations are always about trucks. Nothing else. Shit, can you imagine I go to my friend's car, looks in there and there's a blonde sittin' in the passenger seat. "man, she's perty." *friend replies* "Yeah, I just got her worked on, fixed the rear end, lifted the front. Now she?s purring like a champ."

And you know, cops are never nice to you, you ever notice that? I mean, you get pulled over and it's never for a good deed. I mean, why can't an officer pull you over for a good maneuver. *officer* ?Yeah, I'd just like to say you executed your merging onto the highway great. Here's a gold star."

And I got an excuse for when you get pulled over and accused of drinkin'. All you say, is ?officer, if I was drinkin?'there?s be a fat bitch in the back seat." *looks back there* "whoa, didn?t know I was that drunk! Two dogs, damn. I thought they were lookin better than that?yes, yes, officer. I guess I was drinking. But I swear to you! Those pups aren't mine, they don't look one bit like me sir!"

And girls these days. Wearing those thongs. Can you believe that? How do you keep those things clean? Shit, 2 hours after we clean up and those things would be brown again. I don't know. Maybe God created yall with a cleaner asshole. That or I got a leak. But I think I do have a leak. I had my girl check for me one day. I asked her if she could hear any hissing like air comin out or something. She said no, I told her to put some spit down there, see if it bubbles at all. That or just inject some Fix-It Flat in ma ass. I don't know.



credits- I don't fucking know. Travis 'Sea' Bass on SDMFWW, that's who posted it originally.


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Invisibleblissedout
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Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 22,320
Loc: Yonder Flag
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: zSDMF]
    #3472523 - 12/09/04 07:21 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

yes!more!MORE!!muhaha


--------------------



:murray:


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OfflineLicense_to_Chill
Stranger
Male

Registered: 11/12/04
Posts: 4,979
Last seen: 3 years, 2 months
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3472549 - 12/09/04 07:25 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband wants a threesome with my bestfriend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that
there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing -
your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer
together. Why not get some of your old collage roommates involved
too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with
your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform
oral on him.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Sperm can help you loose weight and gives a great glow
to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to
perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you.
The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged.
The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with
other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress
relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember,
nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being
away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too!).
Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his
stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you
and your best friend to perform oral on him.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must
mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to
help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and
present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your
selfish guilt, perform oral on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to
sleep never giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity
training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex
should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests
for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as
much as you should - he should never have to work to get you in the
mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by
performing oral on him.


--------------------
"I sat on the bus next to God once,
he told me about the true meaning of life...
then he gave me a pretzel..."


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OfflineAdamist
ℚṲℰϟ✞ЇѺℵ ℛ∃Åʟḯ†У
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Registered: 11/23/01
Posts: 10,211
Loc: Bloomington, IN
Last seen: 8 years, 10 months
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3472552 - 12/09/04 07:26 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

What's the only number better than 69?
77, because you get 8 more. :wink:


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Offline13eetleJuice
the ghost with the most
Male

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Posts: 2,253
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Last seen: 5 years, 2 months
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3472566 - 12/09/04 07:28 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

So these 2 brothers are getting ready for bed one night. One is like 5yrs old and the other about 7. The older brother says to the younger one, "why don't we start cussing". The little brother says, "ok". The older nods and says "we'll start tomorrow".

The next morning thier mom calls them down for breakfast and asks the oldest boy what he'd like. He says, "Ah hell, just gimme' some damn corn flakes". The mother smacks him out of the chair and he runs back to his room crying. She looks at the younger boy and says, "Well, what do you want for breakfast?" He replies, "I dunno, but you can bet your sweet ass it ain't corn flakes".


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Invisibleblissedout
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Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 22,320
Loc: Yonder Flag
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: 13eetleJuice]
    #3472716 - 12/09/04 07:46 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel between his legs. the bartender looks at him and asks "why do you have that thing between your legs?" the pirate replies "aarrrr!! it's driving me nuts!!"


--------------------



:murray:


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InvisibleBitterPill
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Registered: 10/01/04
Posts: 551
Loc: PNW
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3472936 - 12/09/04 08:15 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

What's better than roses on a piano?

-Tulips on an organ
(think about it :wink:)

A guy walks into a gay bar, the bartender says to him, "can I push your stool in for you?"

-BP


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OfflineAdamist
ℚṲℰϟ✞ЇѺℵ ℛ∃Åʟḯ†У
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Registered: 11/23/01
Posts: 10,211
Loc: Bloomington, IN
Last seen: 8 years, 10 months
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3473123 - 12/09/04 08:49 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

A guy is hiking up a mountain when he sees a girl standing at the edge of a cliff, crying. "Hey," he says, "if you're going to jump, how about giving me a blow job before you do it?" "My life's been nothing but crap," says the girl. "So I might as well." After the girl's done, the guy says, "Wow, that was great! Why are you so depressed, anyway?" The girl replies, "My family disowned me for dressing like a woman."


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InvisibleJettaJay
PsychedelicStranger
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Registered: 10/14/04
Posts: 2,829
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: Adamist]
    #3473208 - 12/09/04 09:00 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

A woman goes to her priest and says

"My husband is always drinking and comming home late and drunk, Is there anything I can do about this?"
"Well maybe a good hit in the head would do him some good" Said the priest

Come Friday night the man comes home carrying a duck the wide answers the door with a rolling pin.

"Look at you harold ..... Why ......"
The woman obviously confused
"How do you like my pig" says the Husband
"Harold your so drunk you don't know the difference between a pig and a duck"
"Thats what you think. I was asking the question to my duck here"


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I saw a little green light buzzing around in a tree, and it dawned on me that "they" were here
~~~LouiseLouise




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OfflineAdamist
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: JettaJay]
    #3473266 - 12/09/04 09:10 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

:lol:


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Invisibleblissedout
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: Adamist]
    #3474006 - 12/09/04 11:29 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

a woman is having an affair on her husband. when the hubbie goes to work, the lover comes over and they get their groove on. well she also has a son that is 5 and totally knows what's going on. the mom makes the boy hide in the closet while her lover is there to keep him from wandering in on them in the act. one day, while they are getting in on, they hear a car pull into the driveway. frantically, mom pushes lover into the closet with her son. while in the closet the boy says to the lover "it's dark in here" the lover says"yes it is, you are very brave" at which the boy replies "do you wanna buy a baseball bat?" " no thanks" replies the lover." no i don't think you understand.DO YOU WANNA BUY A BASEBALL BAT?" the boy replies a little louder. realizing his predicament, the lover asks,"how much?" the boy told him "25 dollars" abashed, the lover forks over the money lest the boy get him in trouble.
a week later the same thing happens. a car pulls into the driveway while their grooving and the mom once again shoves her lover into the closet with her little boy. inside the closet the boy says "it's dark in here isn't it?" " yes it is" the lover tenuously whispers."do you wanna buy a ball and glove" "how much?" says the lover. "50 dollars" promptly replies the little boy. the lover forks over the money and the boy gives him the ball and glove.
that weekend the boy and his dad are hanging out and the dad says to his son "son, go get your baseball stuff, and we'll play ball." "i can't, dad, i sold it all." for how much son" thinking it was going to be in lizard tail and scab denominations. "75 bucks" proudly replies the boy. "75 bucks?! that's robbery! i'm taking you to church to repent your sins!"
they pull up to the church, the boy goes into the confessional, sits down. the window slides open and the boy says"it's dark in here" to which the priest replies "don't you start that shit in here!"

bump


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:murray:


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InvisibleJim
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3474099 - 12/09/04 11:46 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

:lol: :lol:


--------------------
Use the Fucking Reply To Feature You Lazy Pieces of Shit!

afoaf said:
Jim, if you were in my city, I would let you fuck my wife.


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InvisibleLoosifa
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: Jim]
    #3474820 - 12/10/04 03:56 AM (19 years, 1 month ago)

Blonde walks into a petshop, and asks the shopkeeper if she can buy a wasp. "What are you on about? We don't sell wasps," he replies.
The blonde frowns, and says "But you've got one in the window!"


--------------------
LURK


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Offlinegrphish
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: Loosifa]
    #3475066 - 12/10/04 06:42 AM (19 years, 1 month ago)

i dont get those jokes
they're really not funny


whats the hardest part of a vegetable?
the wheelchair

what do black kids get for xmas?
your bike

why do niggers cry during sex?
The mace

why do niggers stink?
so blind people can hate them too


--------------------
BoUnCy BaLL IS All SoUrCe OF LIGhT AnD HaPPiNeSS!!~! *bEEP* *beEP*


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Invisiblevinsue
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3475160 - 12/10/04 07:31 AM (19 years, 1 month ago)

Little Tony's teacher wanted to teach the class about taste, so she brought in a roll of lifesavers. She had the students close their  eyes while she placed a different flavor lifesaver in each of their mouths. Little Suzie says " mmm... mine's cherry"  Little Tommy says " I got orange." Then she placed a honey lifesaver in little Tony's mouth.Tony didn't know what flavor he was tasting. Teacher says "I'll give you a hint, It's something your mommy calls your daddy." Little Tony spit it out with disgust " Eewwww... it's an ASSHOLE!" :eek:


--------------------

"All mushrooms are edible; but some only once." Croatian proverb. BTW ...
  Have You Rated Ythans Mom Yet ?? ... :taser:  ... HERE'S HOW ... (be nice) .  :mod: ... :peace:


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Invisibleblissedout
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: grphish]
    #3476946 - 12/10/04 03:19 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

grphish said:
i dont get those jokes
they're really not funny


whats the hardest part of a vegetable?
the wheelchair

what do black kids get for xmas?
your bike

why do niggers cry during sex?
The mace

why do niggers stink?
so blind people can hate them too



that's because they aren't meant for hate-mongers. it's so much harder to love what you don't understand than to accept it as part of life and move on with yours, but it must be done with as much grace as is possible if we are to survive in this already messed up world. i hope that you and those like you will one day figure this out, but you probably won't. ignorance is bliss.peace

ignorance=fear=hate=death


--------------------



:murray:


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InvisibleAsante
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3477188 - 12/10/04 03:52 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

A shroomtrip was planned by four people whose names were Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

Half an ounce of shrooms needed to be scored and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!


--------------------
Omnicyclion.org
higher knowledge starts here


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Invisibleblissedout
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: Asante]
    #3477254 - 12/10/04 04:03 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

that was great wikkan. this thread needed some freshening up. i'll definitly keep that one in my repetoire.thank you.

umm...my mind is blank right now. i'll come back w/ another joke in a while. all that i can think about is bonarroo '05 and going to work in 20 minutes.peace


--------------------



:murray:


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InvisibleAsante
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3477278 - 12/10/04 04:08 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your father a big hug."


--------------------
Omnicyclion.org
higher knowledge starts here


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Invisibleblissedout
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: Asante]
    #3477304 - 12/10/04 04:11 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

:lol: :lol:those postmen are pimps


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:murray:


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InvisibleAsante
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3477820 - 12/10/04 05:42 PM (19 years, 1 month ago)

A couple has a dog who snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

He wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances down and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head, looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or what we did, but by God, we took first and second place!"


--------------------
Omnicyclion.org
higher knowledge starts here


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InvisibleSupernova
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Re: THE JOKE THREAD [Re: Asante]
    #3657815 - 01/21/05 09:15 AM (19 years, 10 days ago)

I was thinking of starting a joke thread, but this one by blissed is good so I'll just continue it. OK, don't hate me:

What would it take to reunite the Beatles?


















Two more bullets.

I know. Old and bad joke. But there must be some real comedians here. Come on- GIVE US A LAUGH!


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OfflineAnjaba
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Re: THE JOKE THREAD [Re: Supernova]
    #3657849 - 01/21/05 09:26 AM (19 years, 10 days ago)

4 fags are chillin in a hot tub.  All of a sudden a condom floats up.  What did the one guy say to the group?





















ok....who farted?


One day a gay couple are fucking in the shower when the doorbell rings.  The one guy gets out to answer it, but before he leaves he tells him partner to wait till he returns.  A few minutes later he gets back only to see cum splattered all over the shower.  Upset, the man asks his partner why he didn't wait for him to get back.  The other guy replies, "I did wait, but I had to fart..."  :grin:


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Invisibleblissedout
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: Anjaba]
    #5025868 - 12/06/05 09:14 PM (18 years, 1 month ago)

bump with a joke

What would you call an army of lesbians?















Militia Etheridge

:grin:


--------------------



:murray:


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Offlinederyl
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #5025912 - 12/06/05 09:22 PM (18 years, 1 month ago)

What do you call a party full of midgets?

-a little get together

What do you call a barn full of black people?

-antique farm equipment

This one is really bad but im going to say it anyway:
Whats the difference beetween a jew and a pizza?

-a pizza dosent scream when you put it in the oven

thats probobly going to get me in trouble.


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OfflineWhiteBunny
How deep doesthe rabbit hole go?
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #5025923 - 12/06/05 09:24 PM (18 years, 1 month ago)

what's the difference between a black pussy and a bowling ball...

























If you had to you would eat the bowling ball.

WB



--------------------


Edited by WhiteBunny (12/06/05 09:25 PM)


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Invisibleblissedout
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: deryl]
    #5025941 - 12/06/05 09:28 PM (18 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

deryl said:

thats probobly going to get me in trouble.



:lol::rotfl:


--------------------



:murray:


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Invisibleblissedout
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: WhiteBunny]
    #5025949 - 12/06/05 09:30 PM (18 years, 1 month ago)

:lol:

What do Michael Jackson and McDonald's have in common?







The both like to put their meat between 9 year old buns.


--------------------



:murray:


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Offlinejanelle1502
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #5025973 - 12/06/05 09:34 PM (18 years, 1 month ago)

How do you get a nun pregnant?

You fuck her.


If anyone can come up with a worse joke than that I'll eat a pair of crusty underwear. :fart:


--------------------
All statements in this post are fictitious.


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InvisibleSrirachi
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: janelle1502]
    #5026181 - 12/06/05 10:13 PM (18 years, 1 month ago)

A doe comes stumbling out of the woods obviously having been sexually mauled and says "I'll never do anything like that again for two bucks!"


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InvisiblePenguarky Tunguin
f n o r d
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: Srirachi]
    #5026234 - 12/06/05 10:22 PM (18 years, 1 month ago)

What do Dale Earnheart and Pink Floyd have in common?  Their last hit was the wall!!!!


MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Thank you, I'll be here all week.


McKennaDMT :mushroom2: :mushroom2: :mushroom2:


--------------------
Every mistake, intentional or otherwise, in the above post, is the fault of the reader.


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InvisibleJonnyOnTheSpot
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: Penguarky Tunguin]
    #6451631 - 01/12/07 09:20 AM (17 years, 19 days ago)

Three men went to hell.

The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee.

The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."


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OfflineApJunkie
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: janelle1502]
    #6451725 - 01/12/07 10:09 AM (17 years, 19 days ago)

Quote:

janelle1502 said:
How do you get a nun pregnant?

You fuck her.


If anyone can come up with a worse joke than that I'll eat a pair of crusty underwear. :fart:




What's black and Blue and hates sex?


The little boy in my trunk.



Do I win the prize?


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InvisibleKrishna
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: ApJunkie]
    #6452440 - 01/12/07 02:43 PM (17 years, 19 days ago)

one of the few jokes i've had memorized for years...

a guy and his wife are playing golf on one of those posh courses that backs up to some suburban homes. On the 15th hole, the wife slices the shit out of her drive and ends up shattering a huge window on the back porch of a neighboring house. she and her husband walk up to the front door to go apologize and offer to pay for the damages, and when they ring the bell, this middle-eastern guy answers. before they can even explain what happened, he interrupts them, "NO! don't be sorry. i'm a genie, i've been trapped in this house for the past 30 years and by breaking that window you've finally released me. for this, i'll grant you three wishes." the man thinks for a second, and says "i'd like a ferarri". the genie claps his hands, and says, "it is done. there's a cherry-red one waiting in your garage." the wife, then, quickly blurts out, "i'd like a million dollars!" Again the genie claps his hands, and says, "check your bank-account, it is done." the husband and wife are elated now, and trying to think about the third wish, when the genie interrupts.  "Well, guys, since I gave you a ferarri and a million dollars, do you think I could have the third wish?" They quickly agree, and the genie says, "I'd like to have sex with your wife." At first, she is shocked, but both the genie and her husband start cajoling her ("he did give us a million dollars..." "it has been 30 years since i've layed with a woman.." etc), and eventually she gives in. so she and the genie go upstairs where they proceed to boink one-another for a good hour.  eventually the genie comes back downstairs, smoking a cigar and looking most refreshed.  He looks to the husband, and says, "You know, that's a great wife you've got there. It's funny that she still believes in genies, though"

:lol:


--------------------




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InvisibleAroundtheSon
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: Krishna]
    #6452554 - 01/12/07 03:08 PM (17 years, 19 days ago)

A bike is leaned up against the wall.

A man walks up and begins a conversation with the bike.

"Why are you leaned up against the wall?"








"Well, I'm two tired to stand" says the bike.





Two tired to stand...

zinger :dancing:


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OfflineLiquid_Dimension
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: AroundtheSon]
    #6452591 - 01/12/07 03:16 PM (17 years, 19 days ago)

A man thinks he's crazy so he decides to go to a psychiatrist.

Before the man goes he wraps himself completely in saran wrap.

After an hour of talking to the psychiatrist the man asks,

"Doctor, what's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies, "I'm not sure but I can clearly see your nuts."


--------------------


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Invisiblefee
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: Liquid_Dimension]
    #6452608 - 01/12/07 03:21 PM (17 years, 19 days ago)

how do you turn a dishwasher into a snow blower?



hand the bitch a shovel


--------------------

blankk said to fee:
btw you're a total fucking psychedelic pimp
Turtletotem said:
I want to become a sun worshipper, so next time an atheist smugly asks me where god is, I can point smugly at the sun and laugh my ass off.

Then I drive away in my solar powered piece of shit car, cool stuff man.

And then I go kill a bitch because the flaming orb in the sky told me to do so, and I don't know, oppress a few minorities here and there in the name of nuclear fusion?

Religion is fun.


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InvisibleDR. PRIME
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: AroundtheSon]
    #6452625 - 01/12/07 03:25 PM (17 years, 19 days ago)

2 Gay guys making love in the shower.
The owner of the house hears his phone start to ring.
He goes to the phone while his lover dries off but before he does hes says,
      "You never finished so don't even think about cumming anywhere in my bathroom. I'll be right back!"
So he's talking on the phone to another one of his partners, etc...

He comes back to the bathroom and finds cum on the toilet and floor and his partner's face looking guilty and says,
      "I thought I told you not to jizz in my bathroom!?"
And his partner replies,
      "I'm sorry...I had to fart and I couldn't hold it in!"
:lol::rotfl:


--------------------



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OfflinePinballWizard
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: DR. PRIME]
    #6453558 - 01/12/07 07:54 PM (17 years, 19 days ago)

:lol:


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Offlinetheduke
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: PinballWizard]
    #6453786 - 01/12/07 09:12 PM (17 years, 19 days ago)

A man and his wife are sitting in a cafe together chatting idly when the man's wife suddenly asks him, "Harold, I wanted to ask you something. If, God forbid something was ever to happen to me, would you get remarried?" The man is aghast. "Of course not! I could never love another woman after being with you!" He then pauses for a moment. "Of course, I suppose you would want me to be happy, and I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life alone...so yes, I suppose I would get remarried." His wife seems a bit unsettled by this, and goes on to ask, "So if something happens to me, and you get remarried, would you live in our old house?" The man is again shocked. "Of course not! There are too many memories of us in that house, I could never live with another woman there!" The man again stops to think. "But then, it's just a house, and it's awfully close to my work, and it would be alot of money to move with real estate how it is...so yes, I suppose I'd stay in our old house." His wife is growing visibly upset. "So you're remarried, you're living in our old house...would you sleep in our old bed?" The man can hardly believe what she is saying. "Of course not! I can hardly believe you're saying that! After all the nights we've spent in that bed, I could never share it with another woman!" Once again the man stops to reconsider. "On the other hand, it's just a piece of furniture, and a comfortable one at that, and with work how it is I wouldn't have much money to spare...so yes, I guess I'd keep the bed." Traces of anger are now growing in his wife's voice. "Okay, so you're remarried, living in our old house, sleeping on our old bed...would you let her use my old golf clubs?" The man replies straightaway, "Oh no, she's a lefty."

And now for something completely tasteless:

This one's all about the delivery, and is best told after a string of dead baby jokes when you have everyone's attention and people are already laughing. Still giggling, you ask "How many babies can you fit in a barrell?" When asked how many, suddenly stop laughing, and with a deadpan stare reply, "Five."


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Offlinechaospilot
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #6453865 - 01/12/07 09:43 PM (17 years, 19 days ago)

An Orthodox Jew, a Catholic Priest and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar, and they walk out with a greater understanding of each others Philosophies.

What is bad about been a Black Jew? You have to sit in the back of the Oven.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a Philosopher? An offer you cant understand

So a high school kid decides to bring his girlfriend over so they could fuck. When he gets into his room, he see's that his little brother is sleeping on the bottom bunk, so he takes his GF up to the top bunk. Not wanting to wake his brother, the kid tells his girlfriend "If you want it harder, whisper tomato, if you want it faster, whisper Bread, and if you want to change positions, say Lettuce. So they start going, and the girl friend starts to get overwhelmed and starts yelling "tomato tomato lettuce tomato bread bread bread... QUICK QUICK PULL IT OUT!!!" The little brother then yells, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches up there? you're getting Mayonnaise all over my face!"


So a girl around the age of 16 just got her licence, and asks her dad if she can borrow the car. The dad Replies "sure, but you have to suck my dick first." the girl is shocked, but after some deliberation with herself, she says OK. So she gets on her knee's and starts sucking, when she says "Eeeww, you dick tastes like shit!" the father replies "I know, your brother wanted to borrow the car earlier today"


Edited by chaospilot (01/12/07 09:46 PM)


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Offlinetheduke
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: chaospilot]
    #6453908 - 01/12/07 09:59 PM (17 years, 19 days ago)

Quote:

chaospilot said:
What is bad about been a Black Jew? You have to sit in the back of the Oven.




Guys, seriously, have some respect. My grandfather died in the Holocaust.






























Fucking jew pushed him out of a guard tower.


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OfflineCompass
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #6454082 - 01/12/07 11:11 PM (17 years, 19 days ago)

One evening, some nuns at a nunnery end up getting food poisoning from a bad batch of beans. Many were sick all night, vomiting and in agony, but only four died, and they happened to be good friends.

Knowing they would go to heaven, they made the trip together to enjoy the afterlife. They chatted mindlessly and gigglied not suspecting a thing. They lined up at the pearly gates and Saint Peter came down to see them.

"Hello, ladies. Welcome to the big time. I'm sorry to tell you but we've got new regulations. There are too many people on earth and the boss can no longer keep tabs on everyone so we have to make you confess your greatest sin before we let you in."

The nuns were nervous and fidgety. They glanced at each other, knowing they would have to expose their secrets.

"But don't worry I can help purify you so that you can enter heaven with a pure soul."

The first nun reluctantly admitted, embarrassed in front of her friends, that she accently walked into the wrong bathroom one time and saw a man's penis!

Saint Peter said, "Here take this holy water and wash out your eyes. Then you may enter."

The second nun was visably relieved and proceeding to tell the story of how she was rebellious one night and actually played with a man's penis.

Saint Peter passed her the holy water and told her to wash her dirty hands and all would be forgiven. He looked a little displeased at the borderline chastity of these nuns.

Before the third nun could say a word, the last nun pushed her out of the way and was about to confess...

Saint Peter said, "If I had half a mind, I shouldn't let you into heaven for that rude behaviour."

"I don't care." said the nun, "Please, just let me gargle the holy water before you make her sit in it!"


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OfflineToTheSummit
peregrinus
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Posts: 9,126
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Last seen: 7 days, 15 hours
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: theduke]
    #6454094 - 01/12/07 11:16 PM (17 years, 19 days ago)

Quote:

theduke said:
Quote:

chaospilot said:
What is bad about been a Black Jew? You have to sit in the back of the Oven.




Guys, seriously, have some respect.  My grandfather died in the Holocaust.































Fucking jew pushed him out of a guard tower.



:rofl:
Oh shit!  I split a gut!


--------------------
You invented the wheel....You push the motherfucker!!


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Invisibleblissedout
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Posts: 22,320
Loc: Yonder Flag
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: ToTheSummit]
    #6454492 - 01/13/07 02:03 AM (17 years, 19 days ago)

Awesome resurrection of my long lost thread, Johnny!:heart:

An egg, a piece of toast, and a strip of bacon walk into a bar.

The bartender throws his hands up..."Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! We don't serve breakfast here!"

:grin:


--------------------



:murray:


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Invisiblehoboblues
Male
Registered: 03/26/06
Posts: 610
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: ToTheSummit]
    #6454502 - 01/13/07 02:11 AM (17 years, 19 days ago)

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so
we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends
encouraged me, and my girlfriend was a dream.

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one
thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was 20 years of age, wore tight mini skirts
and low cut blouses. She would bend down when quite near me and I got
many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate---she
never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me
that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me
that she couldn't overcome, and really didn't want to overcome. She told
me she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up
and get me".

I was stunned, frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When
she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the
stairs at me.

I stood there a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight to my
car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he
hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little
test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the
family".


The moral of the story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car.

-------------------------------------------------------

From "The Boondock Saints"...

There's these three guys walking on the beach, a mexican, a white guy, and a black guy. They find this pot, rub it, and a genie comes out. The genie says, "You can wish for whatever you want." So he asks the Mexican what he wants, and he says "I want all my people in America to be happy and free, and in Mexico." So the genie goes poof. It's done. Then he says to the black guy "What do you want?" and the black guy says, "I want all my brothers to be back in Africa, and happy and free and everything." So the genie goes poof. And they're all back in Africa. So he says to the white guy, "What's your one wish?" And the white guy says, "Wait, you mean to tell me that all the spics and niggers are out of America?" The genie goes yeah, and the white guy says, uh, "I'll have a Coke, then."


--------------------


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Invisibleblissedout
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: hoboblues]
    #6454505 - 01/13/07 02:14 AM (17 years, 19 days ago)

:crazy::lol:

:rimshot:?


--------------------



:murray:


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OfflineGr8fulJ420
strange but nota stranger
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #6454509 - 01/13/07 02:16 AM (17 years, 19 days ago)

What do you call the postman who lost his job?




















Uhh.... just some dude?


-Sifl & Ollie :-)


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OfflineJadian
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #6454510 - 01/13/07 02:16 AM (17 years, 19 days ago)

Alright, a Canadian guy goes on a vacation to Vegas to have the time of his life. He figures while he's in Vegas he might as well visit one of the famous whore houses in the area. He gets himself an inside scoop about a great place right outside town that has the best girls that will do absolutely anything.

The guy gets to the whore house, and gets set up with a girl. He's in the main room with her still having some wine and talking, when he leans over and whispers something in her ear.

She loudly screams "NO!" and runs off. The mistress of the whore house notices this and gets angry at the girl, who was rather new, and quickly finds a more seasoned girl to suit this man's request. The Canadian is again paired up with a lady, they're sharing drinks and walking towards a room when he whispers something in her ear.

Again, this woman screams "NO!" and goes into the room alone and slams the door in his face. At this point, the mistress is furious, and curious at the same time. She was quite the whore herself back in the day, so she decides she'll handle this guy, as there's nothing she hadn't done before. They start talking, and they get into a private room when the guy leans over and whispers..

"Can I pay in Canadian money?"


--------------------
LNC's official Alaskan stoner
:jackdaniels::drooling::jackdaniels:


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InvisibleEgo Death
Justadropofwaterinanendlesssea
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Registered: 04/27/03
Posts: 10,447
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #6454685 - 01/13/07 05:30 AM (17 years, 18 days ago)

Whats the difference between a crack dealer and a whore???



One washes their crack - and sells it again! :lol:


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OfflineSneezingPenis
ACHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!111!
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: Ego Death]
    #6454693 - 01/13/07 05:41 AM (17 years, 18 days ago)

An enormously strong guy suspects his wife is cheating on him. So he tells her that he is leaving on a business trip for 3 days.
He kisses his wife goodbye and then hits the local pub for a few hours before storming into his house.
He runs up to the second story of the house and finds his wife in bed, alone, and she frantically asks "Honey, what are you doing home! I thought you were on a business trip?".
He says "Shut up bitch, I know you're cheating on me", and proceeds to look under the bed. Nothing.
He looks in the closet. Nothing.
He looks in the bathroom. Nothing.

Then he hears a door close. He looks out his second story window and sees a business man with a business suit on, walking down the road.
He thinks to himself, "That is the shit who is porking my wife", and in his rage, he picks up a refrigerator and throws it off the balcony ont top of the business man.

AT THE GATES OF HEAVEN......

Abusiness man wearing a business suit walks up to the gates of heaven and before him sits St. Peter.
St. peter asks "Why are you here?"
The business man says "Get this shit! Im walking down the road, minding my own business, and out of nowhere, a refridgerator falls on top of me and kills me!".
St. peter checks his books and says "Very well then, you may enter".

Then a naked guy walks up.
St. Peter asks "Why are you here?"
The naked man replies, "Get this shit..... Im in this guys refridgerator.....".


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OfflineSneezingPenis
ACHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!111!
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: SneezingPenis]
    #6454701 - 01/13/07 05:55 AM (17 years, 18 days ago)

What did one testicle say to the other?
why should we hang when slim did the shootin'?

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender say "Hey stranger, why the long face?".

How many men does it take to change a kitchen lightbulb?
none. let the bitch cook in the dark.

President Clinton peeks out his office and asks the first intern he sees, "Hey, can you come in here and look at my new presidential clock?".
The intern replies "I dont know, I heard about the last intern that went into your office".
Clinton says "No, seriously, I want someone to come in and tell me what they think about my new presidential clock".
So the intern goes in the office, and before she can close the door, Clinton drops his pants.
She screams, "That isnt a clock!"
Clinton replies, "It will be once you put your face and two hands on it.".


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Offlinetonyperez420
Shaman Rasta

Registered: 11/03/04
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: SneezingPenis]
    #6454835 - 01/13/07 08:06 AM (17 years, 18 days ago)

a joke for when you want to hang up on someone...

whats about 7 inches long and sometimes goes dead

What? (they will perversely think dick)

hang up the phone

if they are not a stupid pot head they will know you meant phone


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OfflineExplosiveMango
HallucinogenusDigitallus
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: tonyperez420]
    #6455019 - 01/13/07 09:44 AM (17 years, 18 days ago)

(Michael Jackson Joke)

When is it bedtime in Never Land?

























When the big hand touches the little hand!


--------------------
Know your self.
Know your substance.
Know your source.

The most distorted perspective possible is the perspective that yours is not distorted.


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InvisibleSilversoul
Rhizome
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Registered: 01/01/05
Posts: 23,576
Loc: The Barricades
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: ExplosiveMango]
    #6455091 - 01/13/07 10:28 AM (17 years, 18 days ago)

Ever tried McDonalds' new Michael Jackson burger? It's 48-year-old meat in 12-year-old buns.


Personally, I prefer an SSY sandwich. That's a pussy sandwich without the P-U.


--------------------


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InvisibledeadHead321
Stranger

Registered: 12/06/04
Posts: 1,180
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: Silversoul]
    #6455145 - 01/13/07 10:45 AM (17 years, 18 days ago)

Two Hindus decided to immigrate to America from India in search of a better life and better opprotunity for their families. When they were fully moved into their new neigborhood, they decided to meet at a cafe for lunch.

The one guy says, "i am so blessed to be here in America. I want to make bet with you...my friend."

The other guy says, "ok, what are the terms of this wager"

"I bet you 1000 american dollars, that one year from today I will be more American then you. We will meet at this very spot, and the winner will be determined."

The other guy agrees and they part ways for a whole year.

One year later they meet back up in the same cafe, at the same table.

"Ok, it has been one year..and I guarantee I am more American then you. Yesterday my wife and I went to my sons little league game, after they won we took the whole team out for pizza and hamburgers, and then we drove home in our SUV and ate a warm apple pie. Now you tell me what is more American then that?"

the other guys looks at him and says...."Fuck you dothead"


--------------------
"They call it a trip because it takes you places"
~TC


All i know is something like a bird within her sang/ All i know she sang a little while and then flew on/Tell me all that you know, i'll show you snow and rain.


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OfflineTuneInTurnOn
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Loc: Toronto, Canada
Last seen: 14 years, 2 months
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: Silversoul]
    #6455185 - 01/13/07 11:11 AM (17 years, 18 days ago)

Arab Gardner
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:
"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.
I love you,
Your Father"
The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:
"Beloved Father,
Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'.
I love you, too,
Ahmed"
At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.
A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.
"Beloved Father,
I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.
That's all I could do for you from here.
I love you,
Ahmed."




Talking Clock
Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the otherside of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you as*hole...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"


--------------------
My apartment in New York was on Perry Street, a five minute walk from the White Horse. I often drank there, but I was never accepted because I wore a tie. The real people wanted no part of me.
- The Rum Diary


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OfflineTuneInTurnOn
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: TuneInTurnOn]
    #6455227 - 01/13/07 11:24 AM (17 years, 18 days ago)

I had to add this:

CHINESE MADE EASY
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes....... READ OUT LOUD...

1) That is not right............................Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?................Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP...............................Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man.....................................Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse.................................Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?......................Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table..........Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift.....................Chin Tu Fat
9) It is very dark in here............................Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet...............Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone...........................No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week.......Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight................................Lei Ying Lo
14) He is cleaning his automobile.................Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive..................Yu Stin Ki Pu


--------------------
My apartment in New York was on Perry Street, a five minute walk from the White Horse. I often drank there, but I was never accepted because I wore a tie. The real people wanted no part of me.
- The Rum Diary


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InvisibleAmatoxin
Injected With A Poison

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Posts: 1,934
Loc: Not So Great Britain
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #7639629 - 11/15/07 12:46 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

Following a nasty car accident, a man's wife slips into a coma.

After spending weeks at her bedside, the husband is summoned to the hospital. "It's amazing" says the Doctor, breathlessly. "While bathing your wife, one of the nurses noticed she responded to her breasts being touched."

The husband is very excited, and asks what he can do. "Well," says the doc, "if one erogenous zone provokes a response, perhaps the others will too."

So the husband goes alone into the room, where he slips his hand under the covers and begins to massage her bits. Amazingly, the woman begins to move and even moan a little.

The man tells the doctor, waiting outside. "Excellent!" he says. "If she responds like that to your finger, I think you should try oral sex."

Nodding, the husband returns to the room - but within minutes the heart monitor alarms go off, and the medics pile into the room.

"What happened?" shouts the doctor, as he checks the prone woman's pulse. "I'm not sure," replies the man, looking sheepish. "I think she choked."


--------------------




Sectioned Under The Mental Health Act Sat 20-10-07 to Thurs 01-11-07 for playing TECHNO music


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OfflineStonedShroom
OG shroomerite
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: Amatoxin]
    #7639856 - 11/15/07 01:44 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

So this wife wanted to go on a "girls night out". Her husband was OK with it, but said she had to be home before midnight.

So she goes out, and one fruity cocktail turns into 6 and the next thing she knows it's almost 3am. She grabs a taxi home and walks in right as the cuckoo clock was chiming.

The wife, quick on her feet thought "I'll just cuckoo 9 more times and my husband will think I got home at midnight". So she cuckoos and nestles into bed.

The next morning she comes down for much needed coffee. Her husband was reading the newspaper and didn't say anything to her about coming home late. The wife is feeling quite pleased with herself for tricking him.

As she sat down to drink her cuppa joe her husband puts down the paper and says "I think we need a new cuckoo clock...."

"why?" inquired the wife

"well" the husband started "Last night it cuckoo'd 3 time, said 'OH SHIT' cuckoo'd 3 more times and tripped over the coffee table, cuckoo'd 2 more times and farted, cuckoo'd 4 more times and giggled"


--------------------
We are not human beings going through a temporary spiritual experience.

We are spiritual beings going through a temporary human experience.



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Invisibleblissedout
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: StonedShroom]
    #7697653 - 11/30/07 05:21 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

What are the 2 horniest animals in the barnyard?






















































/Enter porn music






Brown chicken, Brown cow!!!














:lol:


--------------------



:murray:


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Invisibleblissedout
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #7697654 - 11/30/07 05:22 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

You get it?

Bow chikka bow now?

Fuck me...


--------------------



:murray:


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InvisibleUnholyChild666
I'M GOD
Male
Registered: 03/26/06
Posts: 8,940
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #7697741 - 11/30/07 06:53 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

whats the difference between a catholic priest and acne?..............................
The acne waits till the boys atleast 13 to come on his face.


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Offlineoh_ollie
Spores for thepoor?
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Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 116
Last seen: 12 years, 10 months
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: UnholyChild666]
    #7697866 - 11/30/07 08:04 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

OK I hope I can remember and retype this accurately...

a British horse trainer purchased a new horse for several thousand pounds. His colleague questioned what he intended to call the new horse. He replied "My Face" after a few seconds of pondering from the friend; he questioned him why he named it this. he replied: "So i can hear thousands of women at Ascot screaming "Come on My Face, Come on My face"".

:grin:


--------------------
"I don't have big anxieties. I wish I did. I'd be much more interesting." - Roy Lichtenstein

"I like the idea of taking a right into nature instead of a left to a grocery store." - akb112211


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OfflineBrAiN
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: oh_ollie]
    #7697903 - 11/30/07 08:22 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

what's the toughest part about rollerblading?

telling your parents that you're gay


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OfflineBrAiN
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: BrAiN]
    #7697951 - 11/30/07 08:32 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

What do you call a black man who flies a plane?



.






.






.




a PILOT, ya fuckin' racist!


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InvisibleKilroyMilosevik
Swiss Ego
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Registered: 02/14/07
Posts: 989
Loc: Northwest of Nowhere
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: AroundtheSon]
    #7697958 - 11/30/07 08:34 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

Two black kids are riding a bike down the interstate to the next town. One is riding on the handle-bars, the other is peddling. They casually ride down the shoulder of the road until a piece of glass is run over and a tire goes flat. Now they are walking their bike.... but meanwhile , down the road a bit is a freight trucker who is in a hell of a hurry.

The trucker has a heart though, and even though he is already late, he sees the two boys and pulls over to give them a ride.

Trucker - "Where are you kids headed"

Kids - "We are headed into town to see a friend as well as fix this tire"

Trucker - "Well, I can give you a ride, but my cab is full. You'll have to ride in the back"

Kids - "Thanks!"

The two kids hop in the trailer and notice that it is full of bowling balls.

The trucker races down the interstate at top speed because now he is really running late. Just his luck; a cop clocks him speeding and pulls him over. There are two cops in the vehicle, but only one steps out to talk to the trucker and write him a ticket.

Cop - "Do you know why I pulled you over sir?"

Trucker - "Of course I do! I'm in a fucking hurry, just write me the damn ticket so I can go!"

Cop - "Where are you headed, sir?"

Trucker - "Who gives a fuck!?! I'm late! Write me the damn ticket!"

Cop - "Sir, I don't appreciate your impatience, and it's making me suspicious.... do you mind if I check you freight?"

Trucker - "I don't give a fuck! Just hurry up!!"

The cop walks around to the trailer door. He opens it, gets a startled look and immediately closes it. He runs back up to the cab of the truck:

Cop - "Get the fuck out of here! I don't want to see you on this stretch of road again!"

Trucker - "Fair enough"

The trucker pulls out and continues driving. The police officer returns to his vehicle looking like he saw a ghost. His partner notices:

Partner - "What's the matter with you?"

Cop - "That trucker was hauling Nigger eggs! Two had hatched and one has already stolen a bike!"

Drum roll?

Best racist joke I know... and I don't even like racist jokes. I like this one though... I fuck it up and laugh every time I tell it.


--------------------
-The door.
-The door is closed.
-Why is the door closed?
        *Gasps*
-Why DOES the door close!?


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OfflineBrAiN
Art Fag
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Posts: 6,875
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Last seen: 2 years, 5 months
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: BrAiN]
    #7697960 - 11/30/07 08:36 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

An American tourist is getting drunk at a bar in London and decides its time to walk back to his hotel.

Halfway home he REALLY has to piss and finds an alley. A British police officer finds him and yells "HEY! You can't do there here in public!"

"But i really have to go" says the America.

The officer says "OK. Well follow me. I'll find you a place that's out of the way and a little less disgusting.". They walk for a couple blocks and the officer leads the American into a quiet, beautiful plaza with a fountain, amazing architecture, landscaping, a very serene and beautiful place.

The American does his business on the plaza grass and then says "Wow thanks. This is better than going in a nasty alley. Is this what they call Brittish hopitality"?

"No", replies the officer. "It's what we call the 'French embassy'".

WAKA WAKA WAKA!!!


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OfflineBrAiN
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Posts: 6,875
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: BrAiN]
    #7697966 - 11/30/07 08:40 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

A women is laying in bed about to go to sleep.

Her hustband walks in holding a duck under his arms and says "This is the pig I've been fucking every night".

The woman, shocked, says "bb..b.. but... That's not a pig. It's a duck".

The husband replies "I wasn't talking to you."


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InvisibleKilroyMilosevik
Swiss Ego
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Registered: 02/14/07
Posts: 989
Loc: Northwest of Nowhere
Re: tell us a joke... [Re: BrAiN]
    #7697969 - 11/30/07 08:41 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

Three catholic priests are rushing to church. They are late and almost running. As they are on their way they notice a homeless child in the gutter nursing a broken leg. As they walk by him they discuss -

1st priest: Should we help him?

2nd priest: Nah, fuck him....

3rd priest: Do we have time?


--------------------
-The door.
-The door is closed.
-Why is the door closed?
        *Gasps*
-Why DOES the door close!?


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OfflineBrAiN
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: KilroyMilosevik]
    #7697986 - 11/30/07 08:48 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

Oh you KNOW I got more catholic jokes:

A priest is sitting in the confessional awaiting to perform penance:

* One man walks in and says "Father I shoplifted yesterday. What do you normally give for stealing"

The priest says "One OUR FATHER and TWO HAIL MARYS". THe man leaves and says the prays

* ANother man walks in and says "Father I was staring at my neighbor's wife undressing through my window. What do you normally give for coveting your neighbor's wife?"

The priest says "One ACT OF CONTRITION, TWO OUR FATHERS, and 5 HAIL MARYS". The man leaves and says his prayers.

* Another man walks in and says "father, I had a prostitute perform oral sex on me last night. What do you normally give for a blowjob?"

The priest says "Candy"


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OfflineToTheSummit
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #7700952 - 11/30/07 09:41 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

One day there is a big blizzard. This tow-truck driver is driving down the road and he sees a car that slid off the side into a ditch. He pulls over and there is a lady standing there next to the car.

She runs over to his tow-truck and exclaims, "Thank God you came along! I didn't think I'd ever get out of here!"

"Don't worry about it ma'am." he replies, "You're the third pregnant woman I've pulled out of a ditch today."

She looks confused and says, "But I'm not pregnant."

He grins... "You're not out of the ditch yet either!"


--------------------
You invented the wheel....You push the motherfucker!!


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InvisibleLeftyBurnz
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: ToTheSummit]
    #7701056 - 11/30/07 10:10 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

a penguin walks into a bar, asks the bartender if he has seen his father, bartender says "whats he look like?"


--------------------


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OfflinedeXtrous
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: LeftyBurnz]
    #7701282 - 11/30/07 11:03 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."


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Offlinex2and2makes5
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: deXtrous]
    #7701341 - 11/30/07 11:27 PM (16 years, 2 months ago)

some short mean ones first

whats the opposite of christopher reeves?
christopher walkin

what do you do with a wet gun?
put it in the Dwyer

Whats the florida state vegetable?
Terry Schiavo


--------------------
Try to realise it's all within yourself
no one else can make you change
And to see you're really only very small
and life flows on within you and without you


MUST HAVE MUSIC
1  2

Shroomery Music Exchange


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Offlinecoda
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: x2and2makes5]
    #7701618 - 12/01/07 01:31 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

A man walks into a pub one day and notices they are having a contest.  He walks up to the bartender what the contest is and what the prize will be.

"well" the bartender says "it's simple.  All you have to do is throw five bucks in the jar, head into the john, and make the horse in the stall laugh."

The man ponders this for a second, takes one look at the jar which is overflowing with five dollar bills, smiles, and hands the barkeep 5 bucks.

"i have to warn you" the bartender said as he smiled "this contest has been running for months now and no one has won."

The man just smiles, nods, and heads into the bathroom.  The bar becomes dead silent as the door closes, each person straining to hear anything that could be going on in the bathroom.  The man is in the bathroom for less then a minute before the whole bar hears a loud whinny and laughter coming from the bar.  The bartender jumps over the bar, runs to the bathroom, flings open the door, and sure enough there's the horse laughing away with tears streaming down it's face.

Beaming the man picks up his winnings, buys the bar a round, and leaves the bar.

A few months later the same man walks into the bar and just like before there is another contest running.  He takes a seat at the bar, orders a beer, then asks the bartender what the contest is this time and what the prize will be.

"Well this time the entry fee is 10 dollars and you have to make my horse cry" said the bar keep

Again the man ponders this for a second, smiles, and pays the entry fee.  The barkeep doesn't try to stop him this time, he's convinced nothing on this world could make his horse cry.  The whole bar calms down to silence again as the man strolls to the bathroom.  After a minute a quick burst of laughter is heard but the laughter is short lived because soon after the sobs and crying began.  Once again the barkeep flips over the bar, races to the door, and flings it open.  The man is found beaming in the mens room as the horse is in heap on the floor sobbing its eyes out.

"Son" the barkeep said as he reluctantly handed over the jar "I gotta ask you this time because before i thought it was just dumb luck you made my horse laugh.  How did you do it, how did you make my horse laugh?"

"Welp" the man said after taking a big gulp of his beer " it was pretty easy actually.  The first time i walked up to your horse, took a look at his cock, and told him my dick was bigger then his"

"Huh" the barkeep laughed "yah i guess that is a pretty good joke, but son, how did you make him cry?"

"Aw, hell" said the man "that was even easier. I had to ask him again if he remembered i said my dick was bigger then his, when he started laughing, i showed him."

:rimshot:


--------------------
To get really high is to forget yourself. And to forget yourself is to see everything else. And to see everything else is to become an understanding molecule in evolution, a conscious tool of the universe. And I think every human being should be a conscious tool of the universe. . . .

-JG

i really am glad you came back to us instead of taking the other path. *hug*

-A_S (RIP your final words to me will never be forgotten)



Don't fuck with the laughing jesus.


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OfflineItzpointless
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: coda]
    #7701735 - 12/01/07 03:00 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

What do you call a bear with no teeh?



.





.





.





.





A gummy bear :tongue2:


--------------------
Existence is no longer a riddle to be solved, but a mystery to behold.


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OfflineAzen
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #7701824 - 12/01/07 04:59 AM (16 years, 2 months ago)

I have a few Confucius jokes:

"Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok."

"Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing."

"Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary."

"Baseball is wrong.  Man with four balls cannot walk."

"It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it."

"Virgin like balloon:  one prick, all gone."

"He who run in front of car get tired...He who run behind car get exhausted."

I have more but I'm too tired right now :smile:.

Azen


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Invisibleivi
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #7701829 - 12/01/07 05:04 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University.

It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

Proctor: Sorry, no.

Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin):

"Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale".

Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.


--------------------


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Offlinesam420
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: ivi]
    #7701999 - 12/01/07 08:03 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

what do you get if you put a baby in a box of knives and kick it down the stairs?




an erection


--------------------
:duckie: :chickenhead: :duckie: :chickenhead: :duckie: :chickenhead: :duckie: :chickenhead: :duckie: :chickenhead: :duckie: :chickenhead: :duckie: :chickenhead: :duckie: :chickenhead:

i'm a spy huntin rap dinosaur from the future


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OfflineColbadol
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: sam420]
    #7702049 - 12/01/07 08:34 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

i dont have a joke, so thisll have to do.

there once was a chick from devises
who's tits were two different sizes
one was quite small not nothing at all
the other was huge and won prizes.


--------------------


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OfflineBrAiN
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: sam420]
    #7702055 - 12/01/07 08:36 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

ahhhhhh dead baby jokes!!!

How do you keep a dead baby from drowning in a puddle?>

take your foot of its head


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OfflineBrAiN
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: BrAiN]
    #7702070 - 12/01/07 08:42 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Here's one that can come in handy for you college students.

A kid walks into a huge lecture hall with a couple hundred students for his final exam. He's not prepared at all and knows he's going to fail.

THe teacher passes out the tests and tells everyone they have two hours. Everyone starts.

Students finish one by one and put their exams in a giant stack on the teacher's desk at front. Two hours go by and he's the only one left. The Teacher yells "TIME" but the one, ill prepared student just keeps on working and working. "TIME!" THe professor yells again but the student keeps on working.

Astonished at the lack of respect, the teacher just sits there for THIRTY MORE MINUTES as the student finishes up.

Half an hour past the deadline the student walks up to the professor and hands the test to the teacher.

The teacher sits there with his arms crossed and says "You realized you went THIRTY MINUTES OVER THE LIMIT! I'm not going to grade this thing. You failed".

"Do you know my name?", the student asks.

"What?"

"Do you know my name?", the student asks again?

"Uhhhh no"

The student then slides his test paper right in the middle of the giant stack and knocks over the entire pile of 200 tests.

"Too bad" says the student and then he walks away.


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Invisiblepoke smot!
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Re: tell us a joke... *DELETED* [Re: Azen]
    #7707069 - 12/02/07 03:19 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Post deleted by poke smot!

Reason for deletion: x



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OfflineBrAiN
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: poke smot!]
    #7707092 - 12/02/07 03:24 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?




Nuthin... you already told her twice


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Offlinetumebadger
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: BrAiN]
    #11761774 - 01/03/10 10:02 PM (14 years, 27 days ago)

yea yea yea.... i'm bringin it back, but only if i can share some 9/11 jokes...  if not then i won't.


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Offlinehidenseek1
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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: tumebadger]
    #18692422 - 08/11/13 06:04 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

a foreign exchange student just arriving needs to purchase some basic needs

so he walks into a bakery he asks the guy for a bum, the bakes says do you mean bun? and the guy goes, ya whatever get me the bum

next hes in a hardware store and asks the clerk for a fuckit, puzzled the clerk finally asks do you mean bucket, and hes like yaa whatever just give me the fuckit

lonely in the new world he goes to the pet store, he asks for a
cockan-spankit, the owner of the pet store goes you must mean a
cocker-spaniel and hes like whatever get me the cockan-spankit

now his beloved dog gets off the leash in the park, and he has to chase it, but hes holding all his items he has purchased ,so he goes up to an old man on a bench and asks him

can you hold my bum and fuckit while i get my cock and spank it







Quote:

a teenage girl walks into a barber shop with her headphones on and ask for a cut

in the chair the barber asker her to take off her headphones so he could cut, she proclaims "id just die without my music, im leaving them on"

the barber starts cutting her hair really slowly trying the best he could to not make her look like a retard, but was having trouble cause of her headphones

he noticed she fell asleep though so he takes them off to finish the cut

next thing he noticed she is limp in the chair, he takes her pulse, nothing

baffled he puts the head phones on

machine head by bush was playing looped on the part where he sings

breath in, breath out ,breath in, breath out






Quote:

an old pirate looking sea fairer walks into a bar, he has a ships's wheel on his crotch, he sits down beside a guy on the bar and orders a drink

the guy he sat next to wonders about the wheel but says nothing

a few drinks later the guy notices the wheel again and this time asks the old guy why he has a ships wheel on his pants

the old man replies :arrrg drives me nuts!"




--------------------
You can drink at 7 A.M., because the Beastie Boys fought for that right
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
pons asinorum
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
lsd and the vietnam war changed music forever


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