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tell us a joke...
    #3470979 -

i want you to dig deep and share a laugh with the pub.here's mine for now:


this blonde wants to go horseback riding,but she's never had any proper training. well,daringly, she jumps on the horses back and it immediately springs into action. she is going along at a pretty rapid pace, when she starts sliding off the saddle. not knowing what else to do, she grips her arms tightly around the horse's neck to try and hold on. it's to no avail. she is still slowly sliding off the saddle. well, in a last ditch effort to try and avoid from falling underneath the horse and being trampled, she tries to jump clear of the horse. in doing so, her foot gets caught in the stirrup, so now she is at the mercy of the horse as her head gets pounded on the ground repeatedly.just when she's about to lose consciousness....the wal-mart manager runs out and turns the horse off.

what do ya think?


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:murray:

Edited by blissedout (12/06/05 09:12 PM)

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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3471031 -

:lol: nice..

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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3471050 -

how do you catch a polar bear?

well first you gotta drill a hole in the ice

then ya set peas around that hole

when the bear comes to take a pea

ya kick em in the icehole


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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3471085 -

someone posted this in otd...

whats the difference between a fag
and a refridgerator? a fridge doesnt
fart when you pull out the meat.

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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: sucklesworth]
    #3471086 -

two peanuts were walking down a dark street one night, one was assaulted


--------------------
On a mission to prove that the truth gets you no where.
They tried the truth, It didn't work. Then they wrote the bible. 

Only the foolish fear the inevitable.

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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: Phychotron]
    #3471208 -

i need more! i just read that horrible news on dimebag darrel.wtf?! here goes nothing:
little johnny is a bad kid. he cusses up a storm, pulls little girls pants down at recess, smokes cigarettes, and is a general menace to all. and he's only in 3rd grade.
well, one day in class...
"alright children today we are going to play a spelling game. i'm going to go down the alphabet beginning with 'a' and i will call on those of you who quietly raise your hands to spell a word beginning with that letter. now who can spell a word beginning with 'a'?" hands were raised and little johnny was in his seat waving his hands frantically "me!me!me!" well the teacher was thinking "hell, no! there are way too many bad things that he can spell to get the class in an uproar." "little suzy spell a word beginning with 'a' " little suzy stands up and says "apple A-P-P-L-E, apple" "that's real good, little suzy. now, who can spell a word starting with 'b'?" once again hands go up and little johnny is again waving frantically "me!me!me!" the teacher is like "no way too many bad words to spell " little bobby spell a word beginning with 'b'" little bobby stands up and says " bible,B-I-B-L-E, bible." "very good little bobby" well, they get all the way down to 'r' and everybody in the class has spelled a word except little johnny. "class, who can spell a word beginning with 'r'?" little johnny STILL hasn't lost heart, he is waving frantically "me!me!me!" the teacher thinks " there isn't too many words that he can spell that are all that bad" "okay, little johnny, spell a word beginning with'r' johnny jumps up, holds his hands out wide and says "rat, R-A-T, rat. a big motherfucker with a dick this long!"


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:murray:

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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3471379 -

what no jokes? all i hear is crickets. tough crowd


--------------------



:murray:

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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3471516 -

>LITTLE TONY ON MATH

>A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence
and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on
little TONY.

>He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

>The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking."


>Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3
women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately
licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second
is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is
biting off the top of the ice cream.
>Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the
one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with
the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
>
LITTLE TONY ON MATH
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in
arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'", replies TONY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are
going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an
example of a multi-syllable word?"

TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a
mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he
needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to
use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is
'urinate'. Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly,
and I will allow you to go."
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight,
but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the
same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father
bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in
it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out
beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly
called on little TONY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she
was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"
LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar
after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from
him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will
give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat"
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business.


--------------------
Remember, remember the fifth of November
The gunpowder treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.


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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: Liz]
    #3471576 -

:lol: :yesnod: those are great.thanks i didn't think anyone was going to ever post in this thread. i thought you all hated me :sad: :crying:


--------------------



:murray:

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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3471674 -

cmon i KNOW that there is more to it than this.


--------------------



:murray:

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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3471838 -

a nerdy one:

What's the difference between democracy and feudalism?

In democracy your vote counts, in feudalism your count votes

*drumroll*
*silence*


--------------------
Omnicyclion.org
personal empowerment for the world

:nyan: LGBT - Love God Before Tradition :nyan:

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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3472087 -

Little Jimmy was given the assignment from his teacher to go home and have a parent tell him a story with a moral and to be able to tell it to the class the next day.
The next day in little Jimmy's class the teacher selected Michelle to tell her story. Michelle said:"My parents have a chicken farm and one day we had 100 eggs, and we thought we would get 100 chicks, but only 90 hatched. The moral of the story is 'don't count your chickens before they hatch'."
The teacher congratulated Michelle on a fine job and chose Bert to tell his story next.
Bert said:"My family has a chicken farm, too. One day we took our eggs to the market in a huge basket, and the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral is 'don't put all your eggs in one basket'."
The teacher congratulated Bert as well and told little Jimmy to tell his story.
Little Jimmy said:"My Dad told me a story of my uncle Bob when he was in Vietnam. Uncle Bob was in a helicopter that was going down over a company of 100 Vietcong and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machete, and a M16. Uncle Bob drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't go to waste, when he hit the ground he killed 75 Vietcong with his M16 'til he ran out of ammo, then he killed 20 with the machete 'til the blade broke, and killed the last 5 with his bare hands. The moral of the story is 'don't fuck with uncle Bob when he's been drinking'."


--------------------

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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: Asante]
    #3472091 -

muhahahaha.back to the top thread


--------------------



:murray:

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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3472393 -

What's everyones favorite vegetable?

---Christopher Reeves.

What do you call a smart blone?

---A Golden retreiver.

A guy was driving down a long stretch of country highway, when he approached a fruit stand. The sign above read, "We have peaches that taste like anything and everything, guaranteed!"
The man thought about it, and decided to stop. He thought this has to be bullshit. So he approaches the old, feeble man behind the stand and says," So, you have peaches that taste like strawberries and cream?"
The old man hands him a peach and the driver takes a bite.
"Mmmmmm, tastes like strawberries," he says.
"Turn it around," the old man says.
The driver turns it around, bites into it, and the other side tastes like cream. The man thinks for a second, and says, "How 'bout steak nad baked potato?"
The old man behind the stand looks for a second, and then comes up with a new peach. He hands it to the weary traveler. He bites into it.
"Tastes like steak," he says.
"Turn it around," the old man says.
"Wow, POTATO!"
The traveler thinks really hard for about 2 minutes before he finally blurts out, "O.K. old man, I bet you don't have one that tastes like pussy!"
The old man produces another peach very quickly and hands it to the driver. He takes a big bite out of it, chews a couple of times, spits it out, and says, "Man, this tastes like SHIT!!"
The old man just grins and says,"Turn it around!"


--------------------
There's a thin line between sanity and insanity... and I just snorted it.

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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3472411 -

a man walks into a bar...... **ouch!**


--------------------
Wheels of cheese wheeels of cheeeeese!!!

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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: John]
    #3472423 -

You know. Little E got in trouble for swearing. 'Scuse me? And you know, Nextel sponsors NASCAR now. I don't like that one bit. I like Winston. And all these people bash us as being rednecks coming out of the wood work eating chew, smoking tobacco, and drinking Busch Beer. Well they?re wrong, we got Budweiser too.

But you know, why couldn't Kotex sponsor NASCAR.

[Announcer voice] We got the Vagasil number 8 car itchin' n burnin' for the number 3 spot. And with the help of the KY Jelly 10 car, the Viagra number 6 car got up into the number 2 hole. [/announcer voice]

And you know, I was in Tulsa Oklahoma a few weeks ago. And you know what Tulsa backwards is? A Slut. That's right. I was there, and I bought a slut, imagine that. She was a midget. First time I ever paid $40 for a girl to go up on me.

And I love going to the strip clubs, I really do. This one time, I started tossing out Monopoly money to the girl. That lasted about 10, $500 bills. She came up to me saying, "Hey what the hell is this? This is fake money!?!"

"Heh, yer damn right it is, and those are fake titties!...Fake titties deserve fake money. Real titties, real money."

And that reminds me, you ever been to a Hooters? I swear, those waitresses shorts are soo short. Damn any shorter and the FDA is gonna have to make them wear hairnets. Oh wait, hold on a second, I think I?ve got some floss stuck in my teeth. Nope, wait, that's just a hair.

And how 'bout that damn airport security? God I hate that. I was just flying from Sacramento to Phoenix the other day and they made me take off my shoes. Can you believe that? All because of some shoe bomber. Shit, why couldn't someone done be a underbriches bomber? Heh, I'd take that job. I'd love to be a airport security then.

"'Scuse me ma'am, yer gonna have to take off yer underpanties." "Yes, it?s FAA policy." "Looovely?.*hunches down and squints* wait a second?What the hell? Hey yall, call the National Guard, this lady has a fuse comin' out of her. She?s got a bomb ready to go off."

I once was datin' this one girl. She was a beauty, looked like Shania Twain, but shorter and Vietnamese. Her name was Pong. She did this act. She could take ping pong balls, 3 different colors and insert them. She?d do her dance around stuff, then say to you, *Vietnamese voice* "Ahhh, choose a cala!?

"uh, blue"

*POP* "ahhh, blue!"

I once took her to mama's house. That wasn't good. Mama asked for a roll to be passed when she couldn't find them and Pong shot em out again.

I was with this one girl. She kept saying, "lets do 69 69!" I didn't know what she meant, and then she plopped her ass right on my face, and I got nailed with 3 farts. Can you believe that? She nailed me right below my eye, 3 times. Shit, I don?t know about you, but I don?t need to experience 65 more of those.

But you know, our love is mutual. She was all worried. I said "oh what's wrong!?!?" and she told me she thought she had a tumor in her crack. I said, 'ha, you can't get a tumor in yer crack." And so Aunt Bella wanted me to check her out to see, shit babe, the last thing I want to do is look in yer ass for a tumor.

So she got all worried. Went to the doctor. Had MRIs and CAT scans done. Turns out it was a milk-dud. And there were also a dorito, 2 funyions, and a cheeto. Oh and a cheese-it too. Forgot about the cheese-it. She was all worried about where they came from. I told her, "shit woman, clean yer fuckin couch and that'd solve the problem bitch!"


And you know, I love my redneck friends. They're the greatest. I met Rick one day. Just came up to me and looked at ma truck and said, 'Wooo-weee. That's a fine lookin truck you got there." And so I said, 'yeah, I just got her worked on, fixed the rear end, lifted the front. She's a beaut." And you know, our conversations are always about trucks. Nothing else. Shit, can you imagine I go to my friend's car, looks in there and there's a blonde sittin' in the passenger seat. "man, she's perty." *friend replies* "Yeah, I just got her worked on, fixed the rear end, lifted the front. Now she?s purring like a champ."

And you know, cops are never nice to you, you ever notice that? I mean, you get pulled over and it's never for a good deed. I mean, why can't an officer pull you over for a good maneuver. *officer* ?Yeah, I'd just like to say you executed your merging onto the highway great. Here's a gold star."

And I got an excuse for when you get pulled over and accused of drinkin'. All you say, is ?officer, if I was drinkin?'there?s be a fat bitch in the back seat." *looks back there* "whoa, didn?t know I was that drunk! Two dogs, damn. I thought they were lookin better than that?yes, yes, officer. I guess I was drinking. But I swear to you! Those pups aren't mine, they don't look one bit like me sir!"

And girls these days. Wearing those thongs. Can you believe that? How do you keep those things clean? Shit, 2 hours after we clean up and those things would be brown again. I don't know. Maybe God created yall with a cleaner asshole. That or I got a leak. But I think I do have a leak. I had my girl check for me one day. I asked her if she could hear any hissing like air comin out or something. She said no, I told her to put some spit down there, see if it bubbles at all. That or just inject some Fix-It Flat in ma ass. I don't know.



credits- I don't fucking know. Travis 'Sea' Bass on SDMFWW, that's who posted it originally.

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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: zSDMF]
    #3472523 -

yes!more!MORE!!muhaha


--------------------



:murray:

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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3472549 -

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband wants a threesome with my bestfriend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that
there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing -
your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer
together. Why not get some of your old collage roommates involved
too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with
your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform
oral on him.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Sperm can help you loose weight and gives a great glow
to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to
perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you.
The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged.
The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with
other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress
relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember,
nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being
away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too!).
Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his
stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you
and your best friend to perform oral on him.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must
mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to
help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and
present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your
selfish guilt, perform oral on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to
sleep never giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity
training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex
should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests
for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as
much as you should - he should never have to work to get you in the
mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by
performing oral on him.


--------------------
"I sat on the bus next to God once,
he told me about the true meaning of life...
then he gave me a pretzel..."

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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3472552 -

What's the only number better than 69?
77, because you get 8 more. :wink:


--------------------
:heartpump: { { { ṧ◎ηḯ¢ αʟ¢ℌ℮мƴ } } } :heartpump:

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Re: tell us a joke... [Re: blissedout]
    #3472566 -

So these 2 brothers are getting ready for bed one night. One is like 5yrs old and the other about 7. The older brother says to the younger one, "why don't we start cussing". The little brother says, "ok". The older nods and says "we'll start tomorrow".

The next morning thier mom calls them down for breakfast and asks the oldest boy what he'd like. He says, "Ah hell, just gimme' some damn corn flakes". The mother smacks him out of the chair and he runs back to his room crying. She looks at the younger boy and says, "Well, what do you want for breakfast?" He replies, "I dunno, but you can bet your sweet ass it ain't corn flakes".


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