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Anonymous
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 The Plausability of Suicide 
#1136251 - 12/12/02 04:26 PM (21 years, 4 months ago) |
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Lately I have been in and out of Hell. My life is good - I am in great shape, drugs have not been running my life, I have close friends, I am doing well in school, for the first time in my life I know what my next step is... yet the one piece that is most necessary is missing.
I am in love with a girl, my ex-girlfriend. We are good friends, in fact lately we've been closer than most of my other friends, and some even think we're going out. I know she has feelings for me, but she also has a boyfriend of a year or so, and "can't just leave him."
Beginning each morning, I go through the motions. But how long can I take this. Every day I think about death, and the welcome relief it would bring. Yet, the more I think about it, the more I find it is not an option. Suicide would be quitting, and I have never been a quitter.
I can't help but feel bad for myself, which drives me further down the spiral. I know there are people out there who need real help, help to survive. To kill myself would be selfish. How dare I take a life that has so much going for it... it's like wasting food.
The only thing that keeps me sane is my weekly trip. Phenilynimines and tryptamines wash away the pain and restore a new love for life. But like any drug, prescription or controlled, my true feelings become revealed, and cannot be masked by the false love for the world brought upon me by a trip.
So day after day, I trudge on... delaying the inevitable.
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 upupup
guardian
Registered: 08/25/01
Posts: 889
Loc: George "I love Hitler" Bu...
Last seen: 20 years, 1 month
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Re: The Plausability of Suicide [Re: Anonymous]
#1136280 - 12/12/02 04:33 PM (21 years, 4 months ago) |
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Man is the only critter that kills himself....
Every day you choose life is just that, a choice, because you CAN choose something else....
All things rise and pass away.....I would venture a guess that I am probably older than you and I have some bad news, I have felt that way about several women at this point and I have so far managed to come out on the other side.
Right now I am married to an incredable woman. My last woman was incredable too but I thought after her that I could never feel that way again and for several years I did not. I could not imagine that there could be someone else out there that could be anything even close, but you know what? There was someone even BETTER.
That is what your doing.....keep the faith....keep getting up in the morning.....do the deal.......you'll be fine.....I know those are just words and can seem really empty but I promise they are TRUE.......
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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David_Scape
Anti Genius
Registered: 08/05/02
Posts: 878
Loc: U.S. of muthafuckin A.
Last seen: 14 years, 10 months
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Re: The Plausability of Suicide [Re: Anonymous]
#1136354 - 12/12/02 04:55 PM (21 years, 4 months ago) |
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Well you have told alot about your character, you sound like a pretty inteligent guy. You have felt the pain that comes along with considering suicide and you have directly turned it away, saying "Suicide would be quitting, and I have never been a quitter.". Such strength is to be admired. I too have turned away such thoughts, and i think that that strength should be pointed out. You have also proved that negative thinking does not always control you: "My life is good - I am in great shape, drugs have not been running my life, I have close friends, I am doing well in school, for the first time in my life I know what my next step is... "
However, take a look at the following:
"drugs have not been running my life"
"The only thing that keeps me sane is my weekly trip. Phenilynimines and tryptamines wash away the pain and restore a new love for life."
I understand you said right after that: "But like any drug, prescription or controlled, my true feelings become revealed..." So i think you are not decieving yourself too much. I am open that this may be just a normal mistake in your post but i thought i should point it out.
"I know she has feelings for me, but she also has a boyfriend of a year or so, and "can't just leave him.""
How deep do think these feelings go? I do not know your situation, so i wont tred too confidently on your ground but...Do you have any other women on your radar screen?
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 blahblahblah
Mad Scientist
Registered: 10/24/01
Posts: 1,022
Loc: South America
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Re: The Plausability of Suicide [Re: upupup]
#1136364 - 12/12/02 04:57 PM (21 years, 4 months ago) |
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I know what you are going through, last winter things looked bleak. I went in and out of depresion daily, I would feel good one day and the next I felt like there was a void inside of me. I had alot of things going on last year, I was staying home more that I used to, I barely made it outside each day. Most of my problems stemmed from the fact that I was a hermit, Locked in my room staring at computer monitor.Sometimes the trigger would be loneliness asking myself why everyone else had someone and I always seemed to be the one sitting alone.I was always wondering why no one called me any more, or why hadnt my friends stopped by and said hey or something to show that they still cared I existed. I think alot of it had to do with it being winter and the other half lack of human contact. That and keeping all of the feelings pened up inside. Drugs helped, but mostly just masked the pain, only to have it resurface once the trip was over.
The thing that helped me most was to just let it out sometimes and cry, and to talk about it with close friends. Let people around you know the way you are feeling and that you need someone to talk to. Listen to upupup too about women, he is a sage. Basically all I can really do for the advice on the girl is to just ask yourself, really ask yourself is she worth this? Look past all of the infatuation and little things that are cute. Imagine yourself in 50 years with this woman. She isnt going to look the same, and 50 years with each other will either bring you close or at each others throats. If you decide that she isnt worth it, dissassociate yourself with her. Find someone else to hang out with. In fact maybe you should do that anyway. Get away from her for a month or so and see if you are still thinking about her in a month. MOST OF ALL GO OUT AND ENJOY LIFE!!! Go snowboarding, get some clost friends together and take a trip(actual or psychological) or plan some activities that will bring you closer. I promise, most of your friends, if they are true friends, will be there alot longer than any infatuation.
Amen
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blahblahblah
Mad Scientist
Registered: 10/24/01
Posts: 1,022
Loc: South America
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Re: The Plausability of Suicide [Re: blahblahblah]
#1136398 - 12/12/02 05:04 PM (21 years, 4 months ago) |
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oh and here are some lyrics you should ponder
311 "Jupiter" off of Transistor
sometimes the only thing that saves you
think of bad things luck never gave you
and although true love has just left you
well at least you mother kept you
be sure that a dreams alive
there only short burst in life
are you able to be satsfied
do you expect fun all the time
hey we can rock it easy and lay it in the fold
hey we can shake you simply just by being cold
and if it falls apart will you still be my friend
get back we're gonna stick together
and so many things that have gone wrong
at least you have ears to hear this song
and if you reading in close caption
there's still bad things that could have happened
long time since we've first came here
and sometimes we fall on deaf ears
one thing i've got to say before sales die
stay positive and love your life
hey we can rock it easy and lay it in the fold
hey we can shake you simply just by being cold
and if it falls apart will you still be my friend
get back we're gonna stick together
This song is one of the only things that kept me going
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Eightball
whore consumer
Registered: 07/21/01
Posts: 3,013
Last seen: 9 years, 8 months
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Re: The Plausability of Suicide [Re: upupup]
#1136410 - 12/12/02 05:06 PM (21 years, 4 months ago) |
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lemmings will drown themselves if their colony population gets too large.
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If you're frightened of dying and you're holding on.you'll see devils tearing your life away.
But...if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels
Freeing you from the earth.
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Anonymous
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Re: The Plausability of Suicide [Re: David_Scape]
#1136450 - 12/12/02 05:17 PM (21 years, 4 months ago) |
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For the past few years, I turned to weed to cure my problems. It started with only getting high on the weekends, but I got addicted to irresponsibility and began smoking daily.
I do not consider hallucinogens (most specifically shrooms and 2ci) to be drugs. I consider them to be therapy. On shrooms I realized what weed had done to my life, and quit. Just when I was thinking of starting up again, to get away from it all, I tripped to 2ci and got the same feeling. I do not like weed, but sometimes it seems like not thinking is better than thinking. I want to live in an intoxicated bliss, never thinking too hard, never caring much about anything...
When I say my life isn't run by drugs, I mean I do not refuse to face life by staying "fucked up." Rather, I dose on 2ci or LSA or shrooms on a weekend, and am thrusted face first into my psyche, forced to explore my problems and work with them. It used to be I could lie in bed and cry, never moving, never facing the world. But my emotions have been raped by life, and I have no release any more. I can't remember the last time I cried, and I don't think I could even if I tried.
I recognize the situation I am in now, as I have been in it before. Only now, I have finnaly realized other aspects of life. In June, I will be shipping off to Army Basic Training. Only recently has the reality of death hit me so hard, and the realization that my time on this planet may be limited to only another year or so. I can't die alone. I know I will need something to hold on to while I'm across the world, I have seen this all during my therapy.
Edited by stonedfish (12/12/02 05:19 PM)
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Swami
Eggshell Walker
Registered: 01/18/00
Posts: 15,413
Loc: In the hen house
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Re: The Plausability of Suicide [Re: Eightball]
#1136494 - 12/12/02 05:29 PM (21 years, 4 months ago) |
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lemmings will drown themselves if their colony population gets too large.
And ostriches bury their heads in the sand? These are both false myths. Do a little research on this and come back and tell us more about lemmings. Parroting what you hear is neither knowledge nor learning.
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The proof is in the pudding.
Edited by Swami (12/12/02 05:40 PM)
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blahblahblah
Mad Scientist
Registered: 10/24/01
Posts: 1,022
Loc: South America
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Re: The Plausability of Suicide [Re: Anonymous]
#1136496 - 12/12/02 05:30 PM (21 years, 4 months ago) |
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"I can't die alone. I know I will need something to hold on to while I'm across the world"
Memories. The worst thing about them is that the longing for the good times you once experienced drives you insane (I know from experience)
I have been trying to live in the now, not dwelling on past adventures. I try and look back and say "that was a good time" instead of "where have all of the good times gone"
Each day is an adventure, a strange one.... next time you are driving or listening to music or doing something your accustom too think about what is happening. Try and alter your perception, take a step back and try and imagine it from a different perspective. I dont now how to explain it but it makes me feel better, it kind of kicks my head and lets me know that there is way too much to learn and explore for me just to throw it away with suicide.
I feel for you about basic training. I have been contemplating joining the air force. I just dont want to add to the war machine. I know it is wrong. I cant see myself where I want to be without the air force though. It is quite a delema
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blahblahblah
Mad Scientist
Registered: 10/24/01
Posts: 1,022
Loc: South America
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Re: The Plausability of Suicide [Re: blahblahblah]
#1136509 - 12/12/02 05:33 PM (21 years, 4 months ago) |
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that and next time you are close to suicide go here
http://www.karmicastro.com/chapter_1-4.htm
I dont know why but after I read this I just felt peacefull, it was what I was looking for I guess
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Murex
Reality Hacker
Registered: 07/28/02
Posts: 3,599
Loc: Traped in a shell.
Last seen: 16 years, 7 months
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Re: The Plausability of Suicide [Re: Anonymous]
#1136734 - 12/12/02 07:32 PM (21 years, 4 months ago) |
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Kill yourself.
(sarcastic)
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What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know,
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection,
Is it all you want it to be?
Edited by Murex (12/12/02 07:32 PM)
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Eightball
whore consumer
Registered: 07/21/01
Posts: 3,013
Last seen: 9 years, 8 months
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Re: The Plausability of Suicide [Re: Swami]
#1136913 - 12/12/02 09:57 PM (21 years, 4 months ago) |
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from:
http://ifpll.www7.50megs.com/database.html
Lemmings are widely ridiculed for their apparent need to run off cliffs and quite illogically kill themselves. A game has even been created based on this legend. Obviously, this website perpetuates the rumor, but what is the truth?
According to several sources, lemming suicide is a myth. Overpopulation leads to scarcity of food and overcrowding, in turn causing the animals to migrate in search of food. The lemmings embark on their single-minded quest, swimming lakes and rivers, crossing mountains, eating all vegetation in their path. When they reach the sea, they try to swim it as they would a river and drown in the attempt. This occurs infrequently, even though population fluctuations occur every 3 or 4 years.
The story that lemmings habitually commit suicide may even have been perpetuated by Walt Disney himself. It has been reported that lemmings were herded over a cliff during the production of a Disney film in order to obtain footage of this bizarre (and uncommon) behavior.
disney link: http://www.snopes.com/disney/films/lemmings.htm
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If you're frightened of dying and you're holding on.you'll see devils tearing your life away.
But...if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels
Freeing you from the earth.
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Swami
Eggshell Walker
Registered: 01/18/00
Posts: 15,413
Loc: In the hen house
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Re: The Plausability of Suicide [Re: Eightball]
#1137327 - 12/13/02 02:49 AM (21 years, 4 months ago) |
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Thank you for humoring me. 
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The proof is in the pudding.
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Anonymous
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Re: The Plausability of Suicide [Re: Swami]
#1137428 - 12/13/02 03:47 AM (21 years, 4 months ago) |
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Well, it's morning, and I seem to be feeling better. For some reason these type of thoughts are only stirred at night, and most often when I am on the computer. I think I'm going to try and cut back and go outside and experience life more than hang around on the computer so much.
To all those who PMed me, thank you... your support means a lot. And thank you to everyone who replied to this post. Hopefully, you won't see me for a while, but don't worry about me killing myself, because that isn't going to happen.
Peace out.
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ribbit
up till dawn
Registered: 10/31/02
Posts: 290
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
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Re: The Plausability of Suicide [Re: Swami]
#1137460 - 12/13/02 04:03 AM (21 years, 4 months ago) |
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i have felt as you felt.
i fell in love for the first time, with her. i thought she was my souldmate. truly.
and for 6 months, we always saw eachother at partys we both went to. we went to the same clubnights... whatever, that was a bad idea...
i can assure you that going to the army will get you out of your depressed state of mind. i was active duty for 3 years, joining is probably a good thing for you to get on with life. you will be departed from your daily life and for the amount of time you serve, you will become more emotionally independent.
stay friends with her. exchange addresses and write every now and then. but you have to face the facts man. if she is unwilling to break up with her current boyfriend. obviously you both are not on the same track here. and thats where i was. i wanted it so badly it hurt, and i hurt myself. it truly is not worth it. after everything, i now know that your in this life for your own experience. sharing it with another is great. but ultimately, it is YOU that counts... so if i were you, id look foward to having your military expereince, it was great for me and i don't regret it.
im sure it will open your mind just a bit more, which is good. just don't get brainwashed. i don't think the army is as bad. but ive seen it. keep it real.
(edit, to let ya know, i was typing as you posted.. lol. glad to see things feel better for you, just remember, each day is a new day)
Edited by ribbit (12/13/02 04:06 AM)
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Strumpling
Neuronaut
Registered: 10/11/02
Posts: 7,571
Loc: Hyperspace
Last seen: 12 years, 10 months
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Re: The Plausability of Suicide [Re: Anonymous]
#1137684 - 12/13/02 05:42 AM (21 years, 4 months ago) |
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I've had suicidal thoughts my entire life, but I always snap out of it very easily by thinking "what the fuck are you thinking dude.... your life is a fucking walk in the park compared to billions of other people in other countries, not to mention animals we're killing all over the place.. If you cop out on this lifetime there's no hope for you in any kind of "afterlife."
Besides, I want to live to be really old now so I can act like a "crazy old man" and nobody will get all offended or pissed, they'll just be like "hehehe; crazy old man.."
-=- Matt/Strumpling -=-
Its not an option - don't even try it
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Insert an "I think" mentally in front of eveything I say that seems sketchy, because I certainly don't KNOW much. Also; feel free to yell at me.
In addition: SHPONGLE
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dumlovesyou
retired shroomer
Registered: 05/02/01
Posts: 688
Loc: One dimension
Last seen: 1 year, 11 months
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Re: The Plausability of Suicide [Re: Anonymous]
#1137906 - 12/13/02 07:36 AM (21 years, 4 months ago) |
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I think we (men)  all get through periods like this. Women are so addictive.  It seems so difficult to leave her. I kind of had this problem myself. I am still thinking at my x.. but she is gone..(I am sure she has feelings for me also) but if she has another boyfriend? How is this?
My only advice is:
TRY (even if it's hard and don't like the chick too much) and make yourself another girlfriend!!! JUST DO IT!
I know it's weird, but you will see.. that other feelings will replace the old ones.. Keep shrooming though! (less!)
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I see trees of green, psylocibe mushrooms too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
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Amber_Glow
Sat Chit Anand
Registered: 09/02/02
Posts: 1,543
Last seen: 11 years, 1 month
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Re: The Plausability of Suicide [Re: Anonymous]
#1138132 - 12/13/02 08:55 AM (21 years, 4 months ago) |
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Suicide sucks.
If I really was at a point where I didn't care whether I lived or died, or maybe I wanted to die, I'd just lose all of my inhibitions and take huge risks, and maybe as a result I'd end up dead.
For example: my life sucks so I think suicide is a reasonable option. Instead of killing myself outright, I'd start doing large amounts of drugs, perhaps even to a point where it is dangerous to life, and who knows what would happen.
The best idea is probably to stear clear away from any sort of suicide, and just realize that things will eventually get better, and even at shitty times, there are things to be enjoyed in life.
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3eyedgod
trippinkid
Registered: 11/24/02
Posts: 684
Loc: Far away and very near
Last seen: 20 years, 8 months
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Re: The Plausability of Suicide [Re: Anonymous]
#1138308 - 12/13/02 09:42 AM (21 years, 4 months ago) |
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Beginning each morning, I go through the motions. But how long can I take this. Every day I think about death, and the welcome relief it would bring. Yet, the more I think about it, the more I find it is not an option. Suicide would be quitting, and I have never been a quitter.
I know what you mean. I was in a period of severe depression for 6 months. It seemed like everyday was the same gray boring day with pain nearly always in mind. I did consider suicide seriously several times. I thought it would make me a quitter too. I came to think that if I couldn't find out how to love life in this lifetime, then how would it be different in any other lifetime or afterlife. It will pass eventually. Just hang in there.
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Without everything wouldn't nothing be everything and without nothing wouldn't everything be nothing.I am the beginning and the end,the source and the void, the light and the darkness,i am but a small drop of the ocean yet i am an ocean unto myself
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Anonymous
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Re: The Plausability of Suicide [Re: Anonymous]
#1138686 - 12/13/02 11:43 AM (21 years, 4 months ago) |
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Well, so much for staying away from the computer. I'm still feeling much better today, maybe it's the beginning of the healing process... or maybe it's because I haven't seen this girl at all today.
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