 XUL
OTD Janitor
 
Registered: 03/16/05
Posts: 28,261
Loc: America 
Last seen: 6 years, 9 months
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 Christianity, Faith, Forgiveness, and a Situation 
#13894009 - 02/02/11 02:07 PM (15 years, 6 months ago) |
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Ok so recently I have been going through some difficult situations for me to handle.
to say the most the only fear and worry I have ever experienced stems from one girl. No other factor scares me or worries me. Im not scared of death, firefighting, I dont over worry about debt, fights, or anything.
Before I go into my problem, let me tell you my religious backround.
I grew up as a Presbyterian and Christianity is my faith. I dont want everyone to think im overboard about my religion. Im not a fanatic about Christianity. I have a specific belief. I believe in kindness and forgiveness. I believe that Jesus was a man who died in the name of those very ideas. I dont know if I believe in heaven, but either way its not important to me because I am not kind and I dont forgive for my own benifit. I do it because its honest.
I am pretty proud of my past. I have done some good things for people and my community. I also have done some bad things too.
I used to be a guy who used women. I would get drunk and fuck them at parties then ditch them or I would take them on dates, tell them I like them, fuck them, then ditch them. It was horrible. I no longer treat women in such a way. Anyways. I met my ex girl a 2 summers ago. For some unknown reason I felt that this girl was the one I would treat right. I did treat her right. I treated her with all the love and care in my heart. Things eventually went bad though. At the end of our relationship we started fighting. we fought about sex alot. I was in a weight lifting spree at the time. Without drugs I went from 165lbs-200lbs of muscle in a matter of 5 months. My testosterone was through the roof and I couldn't stop thinking about sex. She hated that. She loved sex but she thought that I was only out for sex. I tried to tell her that she was more than that but I dont think she heard my words. Eventually we broke up and months later, now, I am still broken. Im not even half as a good as I was with her. I miss her. She hates me though. I think.
My prayers are not all self centered. I pray for other people and good things but I also pray for myself too. I recently came to a realization though. I pray and pray but what do I do in return? I haven't recently done anything that makes a difference. I have a terrible masturbation habit and you know what that tells me? If I did get her back I would do it all over again. So I decided to try hard and make a sacrifice. I ceased all masturbation. I will cease masturbation and just wait... I will wait and search my heart. After I feel I have accomplished something then I am going to try again. I am going to try to get her back.
Everyone told me to get over it. To move on. I tried so hard. I tried to forget her, I tried to find interest in other women. I tried everything. Society tells me that I am wrong. That I am obsessed and ignorant, but I beg to differ. I know for a fact that my heart is pure and I truly believe in love and kindness. My heart will not let this one girl go. And for me to say that about a girl is something because before her there was no such thing as love between another.
I also decided that if I ever want her back that the only way to try is the honest way. I will tell her everything. I will come clean about anything. That is, if she will even talk to me. The only way I can contact her is e-mail and she has not responded to any of my past e-mails. Though I do know she reads them.
I guess essentially what I am doing is praying to God for my past love, trying to be a better man, doing good things and hoping for the best. If it goes well then she might talk to me. If it goes bad then she might follow up on her word and file harassment charges.
I always ask God what I should do. I feel that I am doing the right thing. I am scared though. I dont want to go on without her. I dont want her to be with another and I dont want to be with another. I would love to have her back, but I would settle for her forgiveness.
I hope I am doing something good here...
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