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I am in need of something desperately...
    #6711738 -

I need to tell someone...

TO preface this, I have been diagnosed as clinically depressed, and antidepressants don't help at all.

Drugs/ alcohol make me temporarily numb, but they don't really help in the long run. I have a shitty dead-end job where I make minimum wage and can't afford to EVER leave my hometown and visit my family and friends at home.

I am really sick (including coughing up blood and lack of appetite and insomnia) and don't have health insurance or the money to see a doctor.

I am constantly plauged by the thought that I am 19, have only had sex with 3 girls in three isolated instances and there aren't any prospects in the near future. I suffer from premature ejaculation and a poor self-image due to the fact that my penis is smaller than "average."

I'm very intelligent (and modest... haha...) and I have always hoped that I will someday find someone who will get me, but no one does.

I am drunk now, so I have chosen not to make a decision yet, but I think I want to die.

On top of all of this, I am an extremely selfless person (to the extent that I will cause harm to myself to help others) I realize this and can't do anything to help myself.

I am passive-aggresive because of this (I am passive because nothing anyone ever does wrong is "wrong" in my mind and aggressive when people are self-centered and apathetic to other's feelings).

I don't know if anyone can help me in the slightest, but I really hope so. My only reason for not killing myself before is the pain that I would cause to my family and friends. But even my concern is dwindling slowly. I don't really have any other reason to live, than to keep making people happy.

Does anyone have anything they can offer?

Thank you in advance.


--------------------
"A warrior chooses a path with heart, any path with heart, and follows it; and then he rejoices and laughs. He knows because he sees that his life will be over altogether too soon. He sees that nothing is more important than anything else."
-Carlos Castaneda

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Re: I am in need of something desperately... [Re: sHrOoMeDoUt]
    #6711776 -

You are in the middle of growth.  Depression can open a doorway for change.  In attitude, or in lifestyle.  In this post alone I see you being hard on yourself due to OTHER PEOPLE's EXPECTATIONS, which you have mistakingly claimed as your own. 

Stop measuring yourself according to someone else's idea of what is normal or how "things should be."  You should attempt to release yourself of all obligation to all expection, of yourself, and that of others.  Clinging to an ideal of what you believe you should be like is inhibiting you, weighing you down.  Just be free, and live freely.  Release yourself from the burdons you have claimed as your own.  They are only yours if you claim them.  No need to claim them.  Why claim them if they are causing you so much pain? 

You are not your body, but your body is a temple for your soul.  See a doctor.  Fuck having no health insurance.  You need help, and you need to help yourself by finding some. 

Change is up to you.  It may help if you begin to live moment to moment, finding acceptance for ALL OF YOU moment to moment.  Total acceptance, for every aspect of yourself, even the not-so-savory parts.  Don't be so hard on yourself, man.  I doubt you are as bad as your shadow is making you out to be.  I know better. 

Good luck on your journey.  Seek help and have a little faith in yourself.  Hang in there.  :heart:

P.S.  I would lay off the drugs, including alcohol, a known depressant.  I myself can't drink without suffering a bout of intense self-loathing in the come-down phase.  You don't need those things to heal anyway.

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Re: I am in need of something desperately... [Re: MOTH]
    #6711828 -

Thank you, Moth, for caring.

I completely understand what you're saying about not judging myself by other's standards, but in a world where everyone else judges me by everyone else's standards, how can I ever be accepted?

That thought alone is enough to fuck with mind and make me insecure about any relationship I *WOULD LIKE* to pursue. I know all of the usual advice about negative thinking. My (ex-)psychiatrist reminded me of that fact constantly. It really doesn't matter, though, because the fact stated above.

You see, I am an extremely logical person, almost all of my decisions are based in fact ( or probability when fact doesn't exist) for that reason, I can NEVER get rid of these thoughts... Believe me, I know how detrimental they are to me and I still think this way.

The doctor is still out of the picture save me coming into some amount of money greater than my current income.

And as for drugs and alcohol, I know the effects of all of the substances I use (both the proven and speculated) and the fact of the matter is that I have tried sobriety several times, and I just end up in the same place, but without the temporary release. Why, using my logical brain, should I decide to stop?


--------------------
"A warrior chooses a path with heart, any path with heart, and follows it; and then he rejoices and laughs. He knows because he sees that his life will be over altogether too soon. He sees that nothing is more important than anything else."
-Carlos Castaneda

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Re: I am in need of something desperately... [Re: sHrOoMeDoUt]
    #6711859 -

I'm talking about SELF-acceptance.  People who don't accept you can just fuck right off.  :shrug:  Why would you WANT to be accepted by judgemental assholes?  Fuck those guys, girls, and everyone who lives life according to shallow judgements.  You don't need people like that.  If you live true to yourself and your own soul, then people who accept you will gravitate towards you naturally because you've already accepted yourself, flaws and all.  I'm serious.  Self-acceptance is how you get others to accept you.  And not everyone will, but so what?  If you are secure in your own self-acceptance, then what they think won't even matter. 

As for negative thoughts, you don't have to get rid of them.  You just have to become the observer of them, rather then the active participant.  Observe the thoughts, but understand that YOUR THOUGHTS ARE NOT YOU.  You have a negative thought?  Okay, now let it go.  Stop worrying about it.  This takes practice and vigilance on your part.  Another thing you can do is to transmute the negative into positive.  Why is a thought negative?  Because you choose to view it as negative.  A thought is just a thought. It's the meaning you attach to a thought that defines it accordingly and whether or not it has power over how you feel. 

Another thing to consider:  Humans are cyclic creatures, a microcosm of Nature.  Just look at the changing tides of the ocean and the passing of the seasons.  Everything has a cycle, and that is true for human beings as well, including (I believe) our mental processes.  Sometimes we feel very happy, and sometimes we feel pretty low.  The pendulam swings differently for each person.  We live in a world that is attempting to eliminate or convince us all that we are seperate from Nature, and that to experience internal cycles is abnormal.  Fuck that.  Nature experiences cycles, and so do we. 

I know the living conditions in our current world are rough, but don't let that be the reason you choose not to live.  There are better things to die for then a piece of shit conform-or-be-ostrasized society.  Screw that.  The world is a marvelous place if you know how to avoid the expectations of a sick culture and live with your spirits high, being true to your soul, loving and accepting yourself for who you are no matter what THEY say.  Just be yourself and OWN YOURSELF.  Get an attitude.  You are your own best friend, man.  It's a hard lesson, but one that's ultimately true. 

Be good to yourself.  :heart:

Edited by MOTH (03/26/07 03:29 AM)

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Re: I am in need of something desperately... [Re: MOTH]
    #6711882 -

Thank you again, MOTH, for your concern. I feel that you have helped me stave off yet another downward spiral.

I still am skeptical of much that you have told me, but that is my nature and I doubt I will ever trust anything completely in my entire life.

I cannot express to you how much gratitude I have for your friendship to a complete stranger. Truthfully, I think that was what I was looking for by posting this.

I know that this is a problem that will definitely not be resolved soon, if ever, but at least I will make it to the next time.

I really am not a clingy person, in fact 99% of my problems are kept down inside me. Would you object to me maybe messaging you if I need a friend? I promise that I will not do it often, but it's always nice to have a safety net where one can anonymously confess one's problems.

Obviously, you are a very good person, perhaps better than almost anyone I've come across before. If you ever need help or a confidant, rest assured that I will be here for you.

Thank you again,
sHrOoMeDoUt


--------------------
"A warrior chooses a path with heart, any path with heart, and follows it; and then he rejoices and laughs. He knows because he sees that his life will be over altogether too soon. He sees that nothing is more important than anything else."
-Carlos Castaneda

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Re: I am in need of something desperately... [Re: sHrOoMeDoUt]
    #6711903 -

Nineteen years old was a shitty age for me, too. (I'll spare you the details. Things have improved, but I am still struggling.) What really kept me going was the thought that I may become a well-adjusted, happy person in the future. During the lowest depths of my depression, this thought seemed almost absurd and patronizing, but I was still able to cling onto it... some how.

You seem like an intelligent person and, even though your circumstances may be bad now, you still have the potential of living a rewarding life.

Learning about certain forms of psychotherapy and applying them to my life helped me too. I feel that Rational-Emotive Behavior therapy and Logotherapy both aided my emotional development and helped me understand why I suffered.

Quote:
I am constantly plauged by the thought that I am 19, have only had sex with 3 girls in three isolated instances and there aren't any prospects in the near future.


That is really nothing to be disappointed about.

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Re: I am in need of something desperately... [Re: sHrOoMeDoUt]
    #6711917 -

Quote:
Would you object to me maybe messaging you if I need a friend?


Not at all.  Feel free to PM me if you would like to talk.  :heart:

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Re: I am in need of something desperately... [Re: MOTH]
    #6711932 -

To Mushman:

Thank you for your help, an empathizing individual is always helpful. I will definitely look into the therapy you suggested.

To MOTH:
Thank you once again, I am almost crying at how beautiful it is to be loved and supported by someone ( besides by family, of course ).


--------------------
"A warrior chooses a path with heart, any path with heart, and follows it; and then he rejoices and laughs. He knows because he sees that his life will be over altogether too soon. He sees that nothing is more important than anything else."
-Carlos Castaneda

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Re: I am in need of something desperately... [Re: sHrOoMeDoUt]
    #6711949 -

:hug:  No problem at all.  It's easy to love beautiful people.  :heart:

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Re: I am in need of something desperately... [Re: MushmanTheManic]
    #6712391 -

Lol, 19 was a shitty age for me too. Maybe it's like a crucial moment that takes place then.
Anyways, sHrOoMeDoUt, take to account that you're only 19 and you have the rest of the life ahead of you.
Now I know that this theory sounds easy but when you're passing through a shitty moment you have the disturbing feeling that it'll last forever. Believe me it doesn't. Nothing does, and that goes for great moments too.
Being aware that nothing lasts forever can be a relief or a nightmare, but I realized that the key is to go beyond that.
What you're going through right now is called life, it's called experiencing and growing up. Don't let it get to you. Situations can chance dramatically in less then seconds.
I'm sure that you've came across some matters that seemed undo-able and later on they came to you out of the blue.
Be sure that this will happen too to you current situation.
Hang in there dude, life is wild ride  :whoah:


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:

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Re: I am in need of something desperately... [Re: sHrOoMeDoUt]
    #6713055 -

sHrOoMeDoUt said:
I'm very intelligent (and modest... haha...) and I have always hoped that I will someday find someone who will get me, but no one does.


On top of all of this, I am an extremely selfless person (to the extent that I will cause harm to myself to help others) I realize this and can't do anything to help myself.





Concentrate on these two traits. These are two very admirable qualities in a human being. Focus on them during your self analysis because they're two qualities that you seem confident you possess. There is nothing wrong with being selfless, just make sure you don't get taken advantage of. Focus on these two positives in your life and the rest will fall in to place.


--------------------
"The Highways of Life are Paved with Flat Squirrels who Couldn't Make Up Their Minds"

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Re: I am in need of something desperately... [Re: sHrOoMeDoUt]
    #6713709 -

sHrOoMeDoUt said:
I am constantly plauged by the thought that I am 19, have only had sex with 3 girls in three isolated instances and there aren't any prospects in the near future.


Dont fret over that man. I got laid for the first and only time when I was 19. Nothing to brag about there either.


--------------------
Ishmael
http://www.ishmael.org

Ron Paul 2008!
http://www.ronpaul2008.com/

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Re: I am in need of something desperately... [Re: freddurgan]
    #6720303 -

Thank you to everyone who posted trying to help me. I truthfully wasn't sure who to talk to about all of this, and it ended up being a good idea to look for advice here.

My sincerest gratitude to you all.

:smile:
sHrOoMeDoUt


--------------------
"A warrior chooses a path with heart, any path with heart, and follows it; and then he rejoices and laughs. He knows because he sees that his life will be over altogether too soon. He sees that nothing is more important than anything else."
-Carlos Castaneda

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Re: I am in need of something desperately... [Re: sHrOoMeDoUt]
    #6720840 -

Hope you're doing okay.  :heart:

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Re: I am in need of something desperately... [Re: sHrOoMeDoUt]
    #6720850 -

sHrOoMeDoUt said:
I am constantly plauged by the thought that I am 19, have only had sex with 3 girls in three isolated instances and there aren't any prospects in the near future. I suffer from premature ejaculation and a poor self-image due to the fact that my penis is smaller than "average." 


I'm 23, and I've only slept with two women.

And the one I'm sleeping with now is the only one I ever really care to sleep with for the rest of my life. :shrug:

it's who you fuck that matters, not how many.


--------------------
Acid doesn't give you truths; it builds machines that push the envelope of perception. Whatever revelations came to me then have dissolved like skywriting. All I really know is that those few years saddled me with a faith in the redemptive potential of the imagination which, however flat, stale and unprofitable the world seems to me now, I cannot for the life of me shake.

-Erik Davis

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Re: I am in need of something desperately... [Re: OneMoreRobot3021]
    #6722514 -

It saddens me when I read threads about people talking about taking their lives. Everyone goes through the insecurities that you speak of atleast a handful of times in their lives. If you can make it through the speedbumps in life, it will eventually pave you a flat road. There are so many reasons to live, and life is the one thing that you shouldn't take for granted. I know you will find the person for you that will understand you like noone else ever has, I really hope that you stick around to find out who it is. As far as your sex-life goes, what you have spoken of is alot of of experience than ALOT of other people can speak for. Be thankful for the things that you are blessed with having, both tangible and friends/family.

Pass on good things and good things will come to you, I promise. Live each day as a quest to keep yourself as happy as possible and try to brighten others' days as much as you can. So many small kind gestures can have such a posotive impact on people. Love Life.

The more time you spend sad/depressed, is less time that you will be able to spend happy, keep the good vibes flowing, I wish you the best of luck and urge you to rediscover the beauty of living.

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Re: I am in need of something desperately... [Re: DrCamacho89]
    #6723497 -

DrCamacho89 said:
sHrOoMeDoUt said:
I'm very intelligent (and modest... haha...) and I have always hoped that I will someday find someone who will get me, but no one does.


On top of all of this, I am an extremely selfless person (to the extent that I will cause harm to myself to help others) I realize this and can't do anything to help myself.





Concentrate on these two traits. These are two very admirable qualities in a human being. Focus on them during your self analysis because they're two qualities that you seem confident you possess. There is nothing wrong with being selfless, just make sure you don't get taken advantage of. Focus on these two positives in your life and the rest will fall in to place.


Helping others to the exclusion of one's self is not a good trait.

Maybe it's good for the others, but it will screw you given the slightest chance. You have to make room for your self, because others certainly won't.

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Re: I am in need of something desperately... [Re: sHrOoMeDoUt]
    #6727148 -

<<Hang in there dude, life is wild ride :whoah:>>

Got that right.  After a certain age, I think you'll begin to realize just how random and chaotic shit and be, and will begin to not give two flying fucks about what some other person thinks about you on this floating speck of dust in the universe..  Just enjoy the ride.


--------------------
:super:D
Manoa said:
I need to stop spending all my money on plants and take up a cheaper hobby, like heroin. :lol:

Looking for Rauhocereus riosaniensis seeds or live specimen(s), :pm: me if you have any for trade

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Re: I am in need of something desperately... [Re: sHrOoMeDoUt]
    #6727635 -

sHrOoMeDoUt said:
I need to tell someone...

TO preface this, I have been diagnosed as clinically depressed, and antidepressants don't help at all.

Drugs/ alcohol make me temporarily numb, but they don't really help in the long run. I have a shitty dead-end job where I make minimum wage and can't afford to EVER leave my hometown and visit my family and friends at home.

I am really sick (including coughing up blood and lack of appetite and insomnia) and don't have health insurance or the money to see a doctor.

I am constantly plauged by the thought that I am 19, have only had sex with 3 girls in three isolated instances and there aren't any prospects in the near future. I suffer from premature ejaculation and a poor self-image due to the fact that my penis is smaller than "average."

I'm very intelligent (and modest... haha...) and I have always hoped that I will someday find someone who will get me, but no one does.

I am drunk now, so I have chosen not to make a decision yet, but I think I want to die.

On top of all of this, I am an extremely selfless person (to the extent that I will cause harm to myself to help others) I realize this and can't do anything to help myself.

I am passive-aggresive because of this (I am passive because nothing anyone ever does wrong is "wrong" in my mind and aggressive when people are self-centered and apathetic to other's feelings).

I don't know if anyone can help me in the slightest, but I really hope so. My only reason for not killing myself before is the pain that I would cause to my family and friends. But even my concern is dwindling slowly. I don't really have any other reason to live, than to keep making people happy.

Does anyone have anything they can offer?

Thank you in advance.


I have something that can really help but the question is are you ready for being helped? You will have to help yourself.

It's cheap on e-bay or amazon or your local used bookstore. It's a book by Ken Keyes called the Handbook to Higher Consciousness. Don't be put off by the name. Deals with all the shit that's buggin you.

As far as killing yourself goes. That is always your choice. But think about it.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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Re: I am in need of something desperately... [Re: sHrOoMeDoUt]
    #6731553 -

I wouldn't worry about only having 3 women

I'm 7 years older than you and only ever had sex once.

I can't even talk to females anymore, I'm overcome with anxiety and paranoia.

What I'm getting at really though is, don't judge yourself because things are not what they seem.

I know all about the suicide thoughts too.
Fact is though nobody knows what happens when we die. I'm fairly certain there's a soul that goes on (because of things that happened in my family, I won't go into detail now) but at least on this world you know what will make you happy/unhappy. Maybe you should be a bit more selfish. If you've always lived for others then that will always be in you but start concentrating on making your own life more fulfilling from now on!?

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