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InvisibleMOTH
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How do I reach out to my parents? I'm desperate.
    #3320652 - 11/04/04 06:20 PM (12 years, 1 month ago)

Guys, I'm at my wits-end here.  As I grow older, I am becoming more and more aware of the wonderful fragility and mystery of life and it has made me really want to get closer to my parents. 

For all those who don't know, my parents and I are exact opposites.  They are fundie Christians who take the Bible *absolutely* literally and who shoved religion down my throat as they raised me.  As I hit adolescence, I rebelled, we had terrible conflicts, and our relationship has been clouded with the darkness of our differences ever since. 

Every time I trip on shrooms, I think of my parents, how much I love them and how much it would mean to have an honest, open FRIENDSHIP with my parents.  It seems almost too good to be true, but I think it could happen one day. 

I have been trying so hard these past few months to change the nature of my relationship with my parents while still staying true to myself.  I think my parents have too.  Whenever I think they are trying to reach out to me, I reciprocate sincerely.  But there is a big problem, a roadblack interrupting the healing process between us: 

TRUTH. 

I cannot be truthful with my parents about the things that matter most to me.  I cannot be honest with them about where I stand spiritually, my goals, hobbies, aspirations for the future, my reflections on life and the universe.  Everytime I try to open up a communication gate with one of these things, they flip out and start to lecture me on God and the Bible.  It's like they are so terrified of learning about what their daughter believes that they think it will taint them or something. 

I mean, I will sit there and genuinely listen to my dad preach and exalt the One Way of Christianity, and I will have a discussion with him about it.  But the *instant* I try and open up about my own beliefs, he closes down and either will refuse to talk to me about it, or say something about the Bible. 

I'm desperate because life is short.  I'm desperate because I fear even if I was truthful with my parents, they would deny me sincerity in return.  All I want is for them to know me.  Me. Their daughter.  I want them to know everything about me and still love me. 

Is that asking too much?  :frown:


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Invisiblelooner2
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Re: How do I reach out to my parents? I'm desperate. [Re: MOTH]
    #3320787 - 11/04/04 06:47 PM (12 years, 1 month ago)

Why do you feel the need to bog down the relationship with alll that stuff?

You are looking into it very deeply, which such a situation deserves, but i'd say just look at the simple beauty of it.

They obviously love you and care about you, and you love and care about them. That is more than a lot of people can say about their family. Just enjoy being a family and cherish the time spent together.


--------------------
I am in love with Acidic_Sloth



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InvisibleHeavyToilet
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Re: How do I reach out to my parents? I'm desperate. [Re: MOTH]
    #3320848 - 11/04/04 07:00 PM (12 years, 1 month ago)

I know what you mean. Hell I even have dreams all the time about having an 'open relationship' with them.

I've found though, there's a point where parents are so completely gone, and out of it that they just aren't open to new things, and different ways of life, and different beliefs. It really sucks.

But can it really be a good relationship if the parents don't really know much about their child? Can that really be called love? Love without understanding?

I don't know.


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InvisibleMOTH
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Re: How do I reach out to my parents? I'm desperate. [Re: looner2]
    #3320849 - 11/04/04 07:00 PM (12 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

looner2 said:
Why do you feel the need to bog down the relationship with alll that stuff?




Good question. I'll try to answer as best as I can.

I feel like my parents don't really want to get to know me. I feel like I am pretending to be someone I'm not whenever I am around them. I hate having to pretend and be their vision of a perfect daughter just to spare their feelings. It sounds selfish, but it is absolutely true. Whenever I go and see them, it's church 2x in a weekend, and prayer round the clock. I go to church for them when they want me to. I pray with them. I wear the clothes that they want me to when I am around them. When they come and visit my apartment, I hide all of my "philosophical" books because they think philosophy is of the devil.

I don't even have enough balls to be myself around them.

I don't like having to lie and decieve my parents just for them to love me. I feel like when they say they love me, they are loving a fictional character.

I just want to be honest with my parents and maintain a healthy relationship with them.


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OfflineDivided_Sky
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Re: How do I reach out to my parents? I'm desperate. [Re: MOTH]
    #3320982 - 11/04/04 07:34 PM (12 years, 1 month ago)

That's pretty tough.
I know I don't really communicate with my dad because all he will talk about is business or fixing the house or fixing the car etc. He just doesn't like to talk about people things. I try to talk to him about Buddhism sometimes, and he thinks its a nice idea because he reads about meditation in medical journals, but he never really takes it seriously. I think he tried meditating once. The guy is a through and through scientific atheist so it is difficult to talk about spiritual things.

Maybe that's easier to work with than gung-ho Christians, but I think if you don't hit them with everything all at once they can get comfortable, and maybe they would practice the tolerance and respect Jesus taught.


--------------------
1. "After an hour I wasn't feeling anything so I decided to take another..."
2. "We were feeling pretty good so we decided to smoke a few bowls..."
3. "I had to be real quiet because my parents were asleep upstairs..."


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InvisibleMOTH
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Re: How do I reach out to my parents? I'm desperate. [Re: HeavyToilet]
    #3321060 - 11/04/04 07:52 PM (12 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

HeavyToilet said:

But can it really be a good relationship if the parents don't really know much about their child? Can that really be called love? Love without understanding?





Exactly. That is what has been bugging me. How can they love me if they don't really know me? I don't feel like I'm doing either of us any favors by being deceptive, but at the same time in a way I am protecting their feelings.

All around, it just makes me feel icky to wonder if they knew me, would they really love me like they say?


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InvisibleSkorpivoMusterion
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Re: How do I reach out to my parents? I'm desperate. [Re: MOTH]
    #3322146 - 11/04/04 11:49 PM (12 years, 1 month ago)

Christian Fundamentalism is very serious threat to the flowering of cosmic consciousness and can be extremely hard to wake up from.



--------------------
Coffee should be black as hell, strong as death, and sweet as love.


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Offlinephi1618
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Re: How do I reach out to my parents? I'm desperate. [Re: MOTH]
    #3322412 - 11/05/04 01:11 AM (12 years, 1 month ago)

Don't go out of your way to push your beliefs in their face, but don't misrepresent your beliefs or go out of your way to hide them, either. By participating in a charade in which you play the role of the perfect daughter, you spare your parents and yourself pain in the short term, but you delay the day when they can accept and love you for who you are.

Additionally, you must be sure that you're ready to accept and love them for who they are. It is difficult for any child not to harbor resentments against their parents; the more difficult your childhood, the harder it is to let go. But, your parents are only human; they make human mistakes. You cannot hold it against them if you want to become reconciled in your new adult relationship.


They have alot invested in their beliefs. They really want you to share them. If you want an honest relationship, they will have to accept that you never will. This involves necessary pain.

However, if you rush the process, you can do lasting harm to your relationship. Don't try to engage them in debate; don't even discuss your beliefs with them, unless they push you to the wall in an attempt to get you to accept Christ.

On the other hand, don't go out of your way to hide who you are from them. When they visit your place, and see that your heretical books are hidden, they gain hope that you are learning a proper shame of your beliefs, and their attempts to get you to convert are reinforced.

You know who you are; don't act ashamed of it.
(on the other hand, it would be obviously be highly imprudent to allow them to see any drug-related paraphanalia - put it up just as you would for any other visitor)

It's fine to go to church when you visit them, as long as it qualifies as a freindly social gathering. You are there to spend time with your parents; if they spend the weekend at church, it is unfair to deprive them of your company for that time just because you don't hold their beliefs.

On the other hand, if people at church make you feel uncomfortable, and begin to exert social pressure on you to become more Christian, you can refuse to go. Just make sure that you can give your parents specific reasons why you don't want to go; for example, you can say "some of the people at church made me very uncomfortable last time I was there. Like Sherry, when she asked me if I'd been saved yet. I felt very put on the spot and didn't like it. You guys go ahead, I'm going to the park. I'll see you at dinner."

Act towards them with love and kindness; but, don't bend on who you are. These are your parents; your relationship with each of them individually and both of them together is one of the most important lasting things in your life. You are a new adult; the sooner you establish the nature of this relationship, the easier and better it will be.

It is your responsibility to create the relationship you want with your parents. Unless they are very deep in a seriously wacko cult (and even these things tend to pass before the parent-child bond), they will accept and love you for who you are, even if it causes them pain. The sooner they do so, the better.

You need to find the strength within yourself to make your boundries absolutely clear, but always act toward your parents with love and compassion. It is fine to recognize any anger you hold, but don't allow yourself the cheap pleasure of taking it out on them.


And always, you have the love and support of your freinds here at the Shroomery...  :heart: :heart:


Hope this helps.


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InvisibleGnuBobo
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Re: How do I reach out to my parents? I'm desperate. [Re: phi1618]
    #3322511 - 11/05/04 01:36 AM (12 years, 1 month ago)

^^^^What he said. 

Moreover, nothing brings you close than when you're stripped bare by disaster and your parents come to help.  They see you at your weakest and still help.  THen there's nothing left to hide, really.  But that's not something you can "bring up" with them.
Unfortunately, we can't choose our parents, their cultural background, their ideology.  But you can be who you are.  And at some point we have to live as we see fit.  If we try as best we can, with the best intentions, and still can't communicate in an honest manner, then that is as it is.  You can't change people if they don't want to be changed.  Sometimes things like this just suck. 
Don't compromise yourself if it makes you feel uncomfortable.  Try to stay strong and realize that you're not constantly being judged through their perceptional lens.  There are people like the shroomerites here who share your basic view of life.  Just know their opinion is not absolute--tho it seems that way when they're your parents--it's relative.  Peace.  :heart: :laugh:

GB


--------------------
Jerry Garcia. JERRY GARCIA! JERRY GARCIA!!!!


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Offlinephi1618
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Re: How do I reach out to my parents? I'm desperate. [Re: phi1618]
    #3324568 - 11/05/04 02:58 PM (12 years, 1 month ago)

Hey, i thought about this a little more over the night, and came to this conclusion:
I don't really know your situation that well, only my own.

You have the best information on your situation, you are in the best position to decide what to do.

Still, I totally agree with this:
Quote:

I don't feel like I'm doing either of us any favors by being deceptive, but at the same time in a way I am protecting their feelings.




And on this:
Quote:

All around, it just makes me feel icky to wonder if they knew me, would they really love me like they say?



The answer is yes. Of course, they'd be dissapointed and angry.
However, I doubt they'd allow your differences to lead to estrangement, unless (as I mentioned before) they are in a seriously wack cult.
Sadly, there have been cases where people in cults (which include some of the more extreme popular Christian sects) sever ties with their family members because of the religion. However, it is frequently the case that the family members eventually become reconsiled.
These cases are relatively rare; you know your parents better than I do.

If you are polite, kind, loving, and above all firm, I believe you have the best chances to establish the kind of relationship with your parents that you want.


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InvisibleCherryBomM
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Re: How do I reach out to my parents? I'm desperate. [Re: MOTH]
    #3324776 - 11/05/04 04:04 PM (12 years, 1 month ago)

I commend your strength in growing into the person that you knew you needed to be and not the person that your parents wanted you to be.

Overcoming the adversity of Christianity in our youth is a daunting obstacle. Your strength will help you through this muddle of love and family and religon.

I hope it does work out for you, you deserve your parents respect.


--------------------


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OfflineTodcasil
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Re: How do I reach out to my parents? I'm desperate. [Re: CherryBom]
    #3325998 - 11/05/04 10:01 PM (12 years, 1 month ago)

you do not deserve your parents respect, nor do you need ANYones respect.

you may think you need it, but it is not neccasary...

when you can visit your parents, smile and accept the fact that they hold an obsolete frame of mind with their children, you will be free from thinking you need anything from them.

love is there no matter what, thats all you need.


--------------------
Men look at themselves and they see flawed humans, we look at women and we see perfect
GODDESSES
Women look at themselves and they seem utterly human, when looking at men they see proud
GODS.


~Casil



:cactus:


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OfflineTodcasil
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Re: How do I reach out to my parents? I'm desperate. [Re: Todcasil]
    #3326004 - 11/05/04 10:05 PM (12 years, 1 month ago)

you know what... i amend my statement.

i would write them a letter.


--------------------
Men look at themselves and they see flawed humans, we look at women and we see perfect
GODDESSES
Women look at themselves and they seem utterly human, when looking at men they see proud
GODS.


~Casil



:cactus:


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OfflineMarkostheGnostic
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Re: How do I reach out to my parents? I'm desperate. [Re: MOTH]
    #3326201 - 11/05/04 11:52 PM (12 years, 1 month ago)

It may well be asking too much. My Dad died this past August 10th and I never felt connected with him. He was a good provider, put me through college and seminary (which was very big of this Jewish man, since I was in a Methodist seminary!) He was, as my brother put it, "a simple man," and as I developed from childhood junior scientist to occult-philosopher to psychedelic sage to Christian mystic, my Father could not relate to any of it. But he allowed it, he gave me tremendous space to grow and develop, this high school educated, hardware store-owning, Jewish Freemason.

My Mother was an atheist to her dying day. She was emotionally enmeshed with me and couldn't care less that I spent years trying to convince HER of the reality of GOD. All she cared about was that I was spending time with her and that merely fed her 'emotional incest syndrome.' When I'd come home from college on the weekends and drop acid, she'd know I was tripping by my silly grin, and actually enjoyed that 'cause I'd spend more time chatting with her than usual.

My Dad got many years of work out of me at his business, and though I have only a card to remind me, he was somehow proud that I obtained a Ph.D. (even though he was counting on an M.D.) He was never sentimental or backward-looking as I can be, and I feel like I never really knew the man, when in fact I probably did. I think that we were both disappointed in each other - I was not the son he expected, but neither was he the Father I expected (I refused to get Bar Mitzvahed, which shamed him; I married a non-Jew who turned out to be a psycho [that showed me]; I became a Christian; I didn't have children).

My parents had certain capacities for giving, and they were generous in ways that they were capable of. It now seems selfish of me that I needed more from them, like you, appreciation of ME in terms of my inner life. I wish they could have had the capacity to appreciate some of the things that I value, like health for example, or music, or ideas. I helped them in ways that they had capacity to receive, and I hope they knew that I loved them and would miss them when they were gone for the rest of my life. If nothing else "Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land that the LORD thy God giveth thee." And lastly, one from MarkostheGnostic: "Thou shalt not lay your trip on Mom or Dad, for they may be your parents but YOU are their daughter." :wink:


--------------------
γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself


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InvisibleShroomOmatic
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Re: How do I reach out to my parents? I'm desperate. [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
    #3326266 - 11/06/04 12:20 AM (12 years, 1 month ago)

Just try to talk to them before its to late. Try to be open.


--------------------


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Offlinekoppie
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Re: How do I reach out to my parents? I'm desperate. [Re: MOTH]
    #3328454 - 11/06/04 08:25 PM (12 years, 1 month ago)

>> All around, it just makes me feel icky to wonder if they knew me, would they really love me like they say?

That is the saddest line I've read in a long time.
Sometimes it's impossible to be completely open, even with someone you love dearly. I don't know your exact situation, but since you're both trying to reach out, my guess is that they love you as much as you love them. They are trying to do the best for you, and in their minds what's best for you is strict christianity.
It is a point you probably will never see eye to eye on, so you will have to find some way to agree to disagree on that.

This will mean that there are some subjects you'll probably can not discuss and you'll have to tactfully steer the conversation away from them. Religion and spirituality are very emotional subjects, and reading your post they are very important both for you and for your parents, but spirituality is only one aspect of life. It would be terrible to let that one aspect stand in the way of your relationship.

Try to find common ground in the practical aspects of life. Go shopping with them, bake cakes, go to flea markets together. You'll know best how they like to spend their free time. Just be close and show them what you can't tell them. That you've grown up to be a decent person, who is happy with her lot in life.

It may take a lot of hard work and patience from your side, but in the end it will be worth the effort.


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OfflineDogood
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Re: How do I reach out to my parents? I'm desperate. [Re: koppie]
    #3332426 - 11/08/04 08:27 AM (12 years, 1 month ago)

1st realize you can't change their minds anymore than they can change yours.2nd the path of your spiritual journey is for your feet alone, it is rare to find anyone who beleives the same as you. So accept your parents as who they are, and discuss life with someone with a more open mind. I'll always be happy to discuss the vibrations.


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Offlinewo_serotonin
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Re: How do I reach out to my parents? I'm desperate. [Re: Dogood]
    #3336211 - 11/09/04 09:11 AM (12 years, 1 month ago)

The only advice that I can give you that hasn't been givin already is do what you think will make you live a happier life. That's what it all boils down to.


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OfflineTre_Selor
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Re: How do I reach out to my parents? I'm desperate. [Re: wo_serotonin]
    #3338968 - 11/09/04 10:20 PM (12 years, 1 month ago)

you should be open with them, i did when i Told my Dad i was Smoking Weed about 8 years ago, we have a hell of alot better relationship now..

my Mom's always been a hippy so she was of course cool with it :-P, but my Dad was a Strict MOFO growing up..

if they cant deal with your own beliefs, and still wont Love you no matter what, How Christian is that?

they'll be mad, but they'll get over it, they might even like the REAL you Better..... you wont know till you either tell them off, or just be yourself around them...


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Offlinemndfreeze
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Re: How do I reach out to my parents? I'm desperate. [Re: Todcasil]
    #3349428 - 11/12/04 12:39 AM (12 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Todcasil said:
you do not deserve your parents respect, nor do you need ANYones respect.

you may think you need it, but it is not neccasary...

when you can visit your parents, smile and accept the fact that they hold an obsolete frame of mind with their children, you will be free from thinking you need anything from them.

love is there no matter what, thats all you need.




Wise words I just got done saying tonight to someone else. Its good to know I'm not alone in those thoughts.


--------------------
Nothing says love like grannies prolapsed anus!


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