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Third prize is you're fired
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Registered: 10/01/02
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My epiphany re: relationships...
    #2201221 - 12/25/03 08:41 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

My name is the cornking, I AM CLINGY, JEALOUS, AND POSSESSIVE.

I finally had to admit this to myself after messing up yet another promising relationship after 4 weeks.

It has been an overriding tendencey in all my relationships ended by the significant other. All the girls I have dated since HS thru college and on to adulthood that have dumped me have all done it the same exact way-- total avoidance without any explaination after about 3 to 6 weeks of dating.
I never understood "why...." I wanted "closure"... or so I told myself.I now can admit to myself I didnt want either of these things, I wanted them back, to like me again, ect...
I could always see clinginess, codependant behavior in other people i have dated, or in others' relationships. I never thought of my actions being precieved in the same way by the other person.

Usually, when I found the girl acting totally dependant on me, it was a huge turnoff so I would end the relationship-- I would, however, tell them why. I couldnt stand being called 3 times a day after only dating someone for 2 weeks.

I have totally shut my family out of my life-- especially my parents-- for acting desparate for my love, doing anything to have a relationship with me. I ended up simply using them for their love-bartering items in college ($$$) and found it rather pathetic that they let themselves be USED in such a way and kept coming back for more....

My post-collegiate career deals with the poorest of the poor... Women come in with battered faces desiring a temp restraining order, crying and emotionally beaten down. We get them the TRO and set an injunction date for two weeks later... most never show up for the hearing. I assume that they're back with the abusive man... clinging to his promise he wont get drunk and beat her again.

But... I could never be like any of these people described above. When I call a girl I've dated 2 times on a daily basis, its becuz I like them and want to get to know them better. Its affection, not dependency....

Ive BullShitted my self for 7 years with that line. Then the girl freaks out, stops talking to me and Im left with an emptyness and helplessness. "What a bitch" I think to myself, I thought she was different from the rest. I may not be on the extreme side of bieng clingy, jealous and codependent but its very prevelant

I realize now that it is selfish, self-centered behavior that drives me to be clingy and jealous when I am out with dates or starting a new relationship. I want to be the center of attention, I want her to be by my side-- with in arms reach-- becuz I am insecure with myself and feel that there is no reason that this girl should be with me, even tho she tells me she likes my personallity, thinks Im cute, ect.....

I need the feelings to be reciprocated at all times or I freak out inside and it shows on the outside.

At the risk of being longwinded I will skip the specifics of the disasterous night....

Well acknowledging the problem is an important step, now what can I do to make sure it doesnt happen with the next one? Im positive this happens to a lot of people and in a lot of relationships so maybe some advice.

Surprisingly I feel happy about this revelation, it has helped me to accept myself just a little more than I normally do.

If it weren't for the bloody corpses, I wouldn't have any corpses at all.

There are two ways to get to the top of an oak tree: start climbing or sit on an acorn.

Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?

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Re: My epiphany re: relationships... [Re: MrBump]
    #2201652 - 12/26/03 04:33 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Dude congradulations on admitting that!

This is one of the most humble posts I have ever read.
Those things are hard to admit..I know man.
I havent had enough relationship experience to say I am one way or another..buy the last girl I was with( the only one I have ever loved :sad:) I lost due to my insecurities- which is where my sickening jealousy and possesivness came from..I did learn ALOT, but I am having a really hard time getting over her.  It is Especially hard knowing that what I know now would have enabled me to keep her..

You should feel happy about your revelation mon.. :grin:

But remember realization without application is worthless in time.. Thats been kicking my ass for years.
I know you can do it dude..I am working on it everyday, although I am still horribly depressed from my breakup..if I cant fix things now after seeing what is broken then I really am hopeless.

I think it is all about  true confidence, finding that is hard!
We all say we dont care what others think and that others cant bring us down, but we all lie.

..Just remeber you are IT man..and know matter how much old insecurities gnaw at you, just grit your teeth and stand tall..you will win

peace and shroomyness to you :mushroom2: :cool: :mushroom2:

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Re: My epiphany re: relationships... [Re: shaggy101]
    #2201911 - 12/26/03 11:50 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Thanks for the reply Shaggy, it was a hard post to write but I needed to say it.

I think my new mindset is working already.....
Since last saturday Ive been super depressed and I even got bitched out at work for some poor work product.
Everytime the phone rang, I hoped it was her calling me... she hasnt called since.

Ive been totally alone since 2 days before Christmas (no family friends or roomies.) I had no one around Christmas eve and Christmas day so I started to really think about this stuff. It finally came to me Christmas day. My realization could be the most important gift Ive ever recieved. Maybe Jesus really does help those who want to help themselves.

Ive wanted to contact this girl so much, but now I think I will wait until after the new years. I think I will tell her basically what Ive learned about myself and that I promise to make a consciencious effort to change my ways (she called me on my behavior and I repeatedly denied it, altho my actions spoke louder than my words, by far.) Maybe she'll give me another chance, but if she doesnt even pick up her phone and totally avoids me, I think I can handle it and be cool with her decision.

If it weren't for the bloody corpses, I wouldn't have any corpses at all.

There are two ways to get to the top of an oak tree: start climbing or sit on an acorn.

Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?

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ProfessionalPsycho - JTOKREW
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Re: My epiphany re: relationships... [Re: MrBump]
    #2203318 - 12/27/03 03:39 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

I hope things work out for you.  You've made a very big and significant step in helping yourself overcome your insecurities.  It isn't easy to change your relationship routine but if you keep this realization in mind, I'm sure you can do it.  Good luck to you.


I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.

To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind. - Th?ophile Gautier.
Seek not every quality in one individual - Confucius.
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