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Offlinehybridphil
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Registered: 03/04/04
Posts: 323
Loc: Milky Way....they'll neve...
Last seen: 16 years, 1 month
Relationship problems
    #5657973 - 05/21/06 08:35 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

I don't mean to sound like a whining bitch or anything but I've always turned to the shroomery when I've had problems and it's helped me get through them. I'm currently in a relationship of over a year and it's almost a year longer than any relationship I have had before. Longest before this was maybe a month. I fell in love with her over a year ago and we haven't been apart a day since. I always thought of it as a bad thing for relationships but I haven't had a dull day with her ever. She just recently turned legal drinking age and as I am not of age (don't judge me by my age) I can't join her partying and going to bars. I see bars as a place for guys to watch sports, play pool, and a place for girls to get picked up. I have been to many bars and this is what I've seen unless there's a dance floor or other attraction. I don't like when she goes out to bars and such but she has her freedom and I've learned to live with it. Ever since a couple days ago, I've noticed she's been acting a lot differently and she no longer makes any effort to see me, in fact more of an effort to avoid me, but by lying and saying that she wants to. Just today, she said she was coming over to see me at my house, and I was excited as I saw an effort on her part to see me. I call her an hour later and she said she's watching a movie, so I let her finish that. I call her 2 hours later, she said that she was walking to my house and it started raining so she went to her friends place which is the exact same distance for her to walk to my house. I've called off all my plans for today to see her and it ain't happening. I try not to make any assumptions, but I feel like she's doing something that I don't know about. I've had this happen in my short relationships before. I got a certain feeling that something was up and everytime it was right. I think she has feelings for somebody else. I just hope my feeling is wrong. I've been cheated on in every relationship I have ever been in and I'm sick and tired of it. I don't want things to end like this. What do you guys think? I'll appreciate any input.


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Psilocybin anonymous



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OfflineImperialCactus
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Registered: 12/23/05
Posts: 532
Last seen: 11 years, 1 month
Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5658443 - 05/21/06 10:26 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

Well, having never been involved in a relationship myself, I may not be the best person to be giving advice. But why not try talking to her about it? If you can be reasonably sure something is up, then maybe try asking if anything is bothering her regarding you two? Don't think i'd just straight up ask if she's cheating or something though, but bring it up and hopefully if there is anything she will want to talk about it. If not just make it clear that this is important to you and if you still can't discuss and work through things like that with her... well, I don't know then.

And as I re-read this, I noticed that it's only been a few days. That isn't much time at all man, i'm not saying you shouldn't feel that way or anything as I think I know the feeling but maybe it's just been a rough few days or something? I might just observe things for a bit and see how it goes, and if it's still bothering you try talking to her about it then. Well, either way I wish you the best with whatever happens.


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InvisibleRandalFlagg
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Registered: 06/15/02
Posts: 15,608
Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5658469 - 05/21/06 10:32 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

She just discovered the bar/club world. It is new, fun, and exciting. It stays new, fun, and exciting until about the age of 25 or so. Keep your eye on her. Dump her ass if she cheats or ignores you terribly.


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InvisibleWIZOLZ
Poor with Needs
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Registered: 03/20/06
Posts: 290
Loc: Monte Carlo
Re: Relationship problems [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #5659554 - 05/22/06 09:39 AM (17 years, 8 months ago)

Yeap...Girls are a coniving bunch they are and dependant on her principals and values, she could easily be considering alternative dishes...I really dont want to sound harsh, I realize love can be a dangerous thing, emotinally, so I'll see what I can share with you.

OK...First, don't discredit your instinct's. I think your probably a small percentage justified with your assumptions, but that's what they are at this point, assumptions and you have to carefull not to be drawn into them too heavily. Now, you need to understand girls (Its not impposible I tell you ^_^) ecspecially the bar scene ones, who above all are in a constant zone mentality, looking for action, for excitment, to feel powerfull in their womanly way. Well, I have nothing against this at all, I just dislike those who have no sense of moral character. Anywayz, Im sure shes a really decent girl and is just trying to fit into what her friends have been doing, what society deems "the place to be."

I would if I were you, make some plans with her, I mean make some final, do not break, solid plans. Make sure she accepts them and also follows up with them, if she doesnt, you've got a reason to be defensive, take no guff. DO NOT show her your upset atm for any of these semi-fears. Your seeing a shift in her behavior, well granted, shes starting to go out and be hailed in a swarm of other young, just as attractive young people, its got to tempt any girl. What you have to do, is shows her the man you are by stepping up and not letting her ditch you or get misdirected. At the moment, you are her boyfriend, no questions, no doubt, know your role and do somthing about these feelings NOW. (In a semi-nice, semi-assertive approach.) Dont worry about what your going to say, just show her you want to spend some time together and make it happen, get the chemistry flowin again, but DO NOT wuss around and mope or let her manipulate your feelings. Ive met girls who literally didnt have the balls to tell me that they wanted to end the relationship and just tried to avoid me and such, hoping I would get upset and end it instead. Ive made many many mistakes in many many relationships, but I've learned a few things and that's one...They come and go, as harsh as that seems (I know you've dedicated alot of time to this girl) Not to say its over or anything, like I said, this is pure observational assumption at the moment. So, take control and voice your concern about this bar scene. Say things like "Your too good and decent of a person to be hanging around those places, if you want to have fun, lets me and you rent a hot air ballon, sail to hawaii and take nude photographs of eachother untill we get sunburned and have to rub calomine lotion over eachother. LOL, somthing like that, but make sure she gets interested in YOU again bro. Thats the only way to revive the relationship. She has to consider you better then all the "Careless, drunken players out there." (Not all bar hoppers are this, I dont discredit them boyz...We all need some lovin)


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---------o----o----o-------o------------------------o--o-o-
----------------------------------------------------------------
Requim for a Dream - Paul Oakenfold
---------------------------------------------------------------
"The mis/abuse of any form of power, is the worst form of ignorance"
-------------------------------------------------------------
WIZOLZ - Lover with a Killer's Smile


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InvisiblePenguarky Tunguin
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Posts: 17,192
Re: Relationship problems [Re: WIZOLZ]
    #5659613 - 05/22/06 10:15 AM (17 years, 8 months ago)

Good post.


I'll add: Never trust what a woman says, always go by what she DOES. Actions never lie. If a woman likes you, she will ALWAYS make time for you. Your situation doens't look good, my friend.


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Every mistake, intentional or otherwise, in the above post, is the fault of the reader.


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Invisiblegoobler
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5659627 - 05/22/06 10:24 AM (17 years, 8 months ago)

sorry to hear that man,

follow her to a bar one night

if she comes out with a guy you'll know whats up

unfortuneately the bar scene ruins more relationship if one get into it before the other

alcohol stiffens dicks and loosen lips


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Offlinehybridphil
Student

Registered: 03/04/04
Posts: 323
Loc: Milky Way....they'll neve...
Last seen: 16 years, 1 month
Re: Relationship problems [Re: goobler]
    #5660534 - 05/22/06 02:51 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

Thanks for all the replies especially WIZOLZ. I'm just going to talk to her and tell her how I feel but be strong about it. I really do love her and I want her to be happy, whatever tha involves. Although I hope that is with me, I can't change fate and if it wasn't meant to be I'm not going to fight that. But I'm definitely going to give it my all. Thanks again all!


--------------------
Psilocybin anonymous



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Offlinehybridphil
Student

Registered: 03/04/04
Posts: 323
Loc: Milky Way....they'll neve...
Last seen: 16 years, 1 month
Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5665729 - 05/23/06 05:55 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

After talking to her...she told me that she just doesn't want to spend as much time together. And to me, that only sounds like the first step towards a breakup. Although I do sort of understand because we have been together everyday of our relationship. She says that she wants to go out with girlfriends and be more free. I respect her space, but our relationship has been changing and she never replies to me when I say I'm glad to see her, or that I miss her, or anything. Just right now, we were supposed to meet after I got off work, and she went downtown instead. She said she had an "interview" but she was almost downtown two hours ago and it takes less than an hour to get there. My mind just naturally thinks of the worst things possible because of how things have been going with us. A week ago, our relationship was so great like the previous year before that. I don't understand how things can change so fast?


--------------------
Psilocybin anonymous



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InvisibleWIZOLZ
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Registered: 03/20/06
Posts: 290
Loc: Monte Carlo
Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5668762 - 05/24/06 01:08 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

I think in some way it has happened to all of us atleast once in our relationships. Understanding the pyhcological aspects of it might get confusing, but then again, might also help you alliviate any underlining hurt that this may cause. I guess it's a matter of maturity, having to free oneself is evidence of having felt confined or afraid, insecure in a degree to one's lifestyle and upbringing. I think all girls eventually seek to be free in themselves of commitments, their very perceptive creatures, but can also be very irrational. Think of how fathers treat their daughters...Its usually a very close, controlled sort of relationship (not all of them of coarse, there a many differences involved) but the majority create this feeling. It's no wonder teenage girls seek liberation and control of their own lives, ecsepcially since the world seems to be so attractive, but its really not. Its actually a scary, scary place though for some, God...its horrible, Im constantly hearing stories about rapes and things like that...Happens all the time.

Whats important though, is that we realize who the people that actually CARE for our lives are. This girl knows you really care for her, YOU KNOW you really care for her, which is a very special thing already. So, do your best to adjust to these changes, but whatever you do, DO NOT get angry and totally ruin this and dont let her ruin it ether. Though, you seem to be dealing with it rather calm and maturly. If your finding it diffucult, just understand that she will always need some person to be a retreat eventually, somone she knows, cares for, and trusts...Be this person, let her know it, but DO NOT be her back-up boyfriend. She will only lose respect for you, its sad, but its the way girls think. Desperation doesnt have a pretty face, nor does neglection (her). If this means you have to start looking elsewhere for maybe another girl, it might just lead to it. On the flip side, I could be completly wrong about all of this and she could jsut be trying to test to see if you like her enough to persue her. I dont know, you have to be the judge.

So, dont let her behavior ruin a good thing, but it might take awhile for her to understand the actuality of what shes going to lose in you. Also, If you want me to share a story or two about this, give me a PM somtime.


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---------o----o----o-------o------------------------o--o-o-
----------------------------------------------------------------
Requim for a Dream - Paul Oakenfold
---------------------------------------------------------------
"The mis/abuse of any form of power, is the worst form of ignorance"
-------------------------------------------------------------
WIZOLZ - Lover with a Killer's Smile


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Offlinehybridphil
Student

Registered: 03/04/04
Posts: 323
Loc: Milky Way....they'll neve...
Last seen: 16 years, 1 month
Re: Relationship problems [Re: WIZOLZ]
    #5671130 - 05/25/06 12:42 AM (17 years, 8 months ago)

I told her about how I feel in a very calm way and things seem to be going better. She feels bad for having neglected me and says she just needs to get better at finding a balance between me and her friends. Although in a way I do sort of have to let her go, I can't keep her all the time, it is a very hard thing to do and it hurts that I have to do this, but I'm doing this for her. I think that she is well aware of the fact that I care very deeply for her and I think she does too. Although there's a few things I have questions about..like she just got the job downtown and I'm happy for her but along with the rest of her family, I worry and wonder about how she is going to get there and back returning late at night. She says she needs to face her fears and I don't think she does. Also, I heard from a friend that she told that she was considering moving downtown. This would have a detremental effect on our relationship and today I saw her get a text message from her friends saying I can't wait to move out. I talked to her about it and she didn't want to talk about it. She said she haven't even decided if she wants the job even though she already made plans to quit her current job and her friends seem to think that her minds made up. I feel like she's keeping secrets from me and she keeps telling me she doesn't want to talk about it but I think she has to before she makes a solid decision.. I appreciate all your replies guys. I feel a lot better when I read your replies and they are reassuring of the fact that no matter what happens, life goes on.


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Psilocybin anonymous



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Offlinegregorio
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5671605 - 05/25/06 05:12 AM (17 years, 8 months ago)

I would move on away from her.


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Offlinehybridphil
Student

Registered: 03/04/04
Posts: 323
Loc: Milky Way....they'll neve...
Last seen: 16 years, 1 month
Re: Relationship problems [Re: gregorio]
    #5672653 - 05/25/06 12:10 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

In doing that, I would throwing a very good thing away. Can you justify your suggestion?


--------------------
Psilocybin anonymous



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OfflineGrok
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5673029 - 05/25/06 01:22 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

First off, you seem to be handling this very maturely and seem very open to suggestions and input, which will be be helpful to you no matter what.

I hate to say it, but I can relate from my experiences that this girl likley has doubts about what she wants. She may tell you things that don't really add up. It's hard, but you have to evaluate what is happening by her actions and not her words. I hate to generalize, as I know this definatly isn't the case for many girls, but girls often don't say what they mean or mean what they say. If you feel something different about her, then something IS different. When this has happened to me (twice), it was because I was cheated on and lied to, even though I didn't know it at the time.

I have always regretted not listening to my intuition about things that were happening, and it seems you have a good reason to be concerned and I would be surpirsed if you are wrong about her wanting to try new things and have her freedom. I'm sure she meets a lot of people at bars and stuff, and it seems like she is losing interest but doesn't want to hurt you by flat out leaving or being honest.

The only way to know is to directly confront her about this. Don't let her dodge it, and if she does it probably means something. Be assertive and don't put up with dodginess! Dodgy girls are NOT worth having strong feelings for. Keep an open mind towards everything, and remember that nothing lasts forever and life goes on. Sometimes its just best to let them fly, and if they love you they will come back. You seem like a strong individual, I'm sure you get this sorted out. Good luck man.


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Entropy is increasing.
To send me a PM, go to my journal


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Offlinegregorio
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5674227 - 05/25/06 06:56 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

It sounds like you are the one being thrown away. From the way I see it the writing is on the wall that she doesn't want you anymore.

You said for yourself that is has gotten to the point where you think she is keeping secrets fom you. That's never a good sign. It has gotten to the point that you are reading her text messages. I would get away from her before your feelings of love turn into feelings of hate and resentment.

And if she comes back she comes back. If not....


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Offlinegregorio
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: Grok]
    #5674248 - 05/25/06 07:02 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

cilosyb said:
First off, you seem to be handling this very maturely...


I have always regretted not listening to my intuition about things that were happening, and it seems you have a good reason to be concerned and I would be surpirsed if you are wrong about her wanting to try new things and have her freedom.

The only way to know is to directly confront her about this. Don't let her dodge it, and if she does it probably means something. Be assertive and don't put up with dodginess! Dodgy girls are NOT worth having strong feelings for.




I agree entirely.


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Offlinehybridphil
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Loc: Milky Way....they'll neve...
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: gregorio]
    #5687253 - 05/29/06 04:34 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

I don't think my feelings of love could ever turn to resentment and hate, as I love her and no matter how much she changes, I'm still going to love her. Even if that doesn't involve me in her life. I just talked to her recently and she seems to be sincere about wanting to keep the relationship. As we have been spending less time together, she has been making more of an effort to see me and appreciates our time together. Maybe this is what she needs. If only that was the extent of things, but I don't understand how she expects our relationship to stay as it is when she moves downtown. She's going to taste the freedom of being away from me, meet new people, and eventually want freedom from commitment. On the other hand, people have relationships across the world that work so why wouldn't ours too. Maybe I'm just too used to what we had which was being together all the time. Perhaps she really does want our relationship to work out but everytime I talk to her about her moving downtown she tries to change the subject and she wants me to be happy for her decision. It's hard to be happy for something that involves letting go of something I love so very much. Regardless, the best thing I can do for her is be happy and support her. I don't think I could do it without the support of my friends, both here and nearby. Keep the opinions and support coming. Can never have enough opinions and support. Thanks guys!  :heart:


--------------------
Psilocybin anonymous



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Offlinehybridphil
Student

Registered: 03/04/04
Posts: 323
Loc: Milky Way....they'll neve...
Last seen: 16 years, 1 month
Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5690308 - 05/30/06 11:24 AM (17 years, 7 months ago)

It seems like every day this relationship is wavering. One day, I think everything is ok, the next I don't know what to do what to do with myself. A few days ago, I thought another man came in the picture. Her friend had sent her a text message saying "my brother think's you're adorable. He really likes you!!". I asked her about it and she said that he just wants to get in every girl's pants. The next day, she was opening messages from her friend's brother himself. She said that he just invited her to a bbq. She spends more time over there than she does with me. I'm not jealous, just worried and I can't help it. Yesterday, she was saying how much fun she had getting stoned with her friend and her friend's brother and how she was going to drink with them tonight. Am I justified in being worried that something is wrong here? I mean, she did say that she told him off but should I be worrying? I texted her many times throughout the night and called her with no response. The next thing I know, her phone is off. I spent the entire evening wandering the streets and crying till I could cry no more. She calls me in the middle of this and she knows something's wrong. I can barely speak because I'm crying so hard and she just tells me to go to sleep. I feel like she doesn't care about our relationship anymore and as much as I'm trying to ignore it, it's getting more obvious. She wanted compromise, this is sacrifice. I'm putting myself through hell to give her her space, and I recieve nothing but ignorance and neglect in return. I thought I was getting better with being away from her, but I don't know if I could live another day of this.

Edit: I realize that the problem in this relationship that is causing me all this stress is me myself. I feel like an awful boyfriend for saying she doesn't care. I apologize for blaming you.


--------------------
Psilocybin anonymous



Edited by hybridphil (05/30/06 11:45 AM)


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InvisibleRandalFlagg
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5690787 - 05/30/06 01:44 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

Dude...don't delude yourself any further. The writing is on the wall. She is bored of you and she wants to fuck other guys. I know that sounds harsh but you need to realize and accept the truth.


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Offlinequillini
one meanmotorscooter
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #5692196 - 05/30/06 07:39 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

RandalFlagg said:
Dude...don't delude yourself any further. The writing is on the wall. She is bored of you and she wants to fuck other guys. I know that sounds harsh but you need to realize and accept the truth.




This girl is using you. I'm sure she's very nice and all, but she's confused with her life and is leading you on. It's a shitty thing to do to somebody, but confusion and desperation often have the troubling effect of blurring morality. I'm saying this because I've been there, and this is going nowhere good as long as she's in control.

You're doing everything for her and that's very romantic, putting yourself through hell and everything, but in a year you will look back on this and see it was futile and silly. Start doing things for yourself. Find your own social scene, and eventually a new girlfriend. But you can't do any of that until you grieve for this relationship. And you can't grieve until you recognize it is over.

You're going to be OK man. You have a good sound mind and you seem to be a whole lot more mature than most guys the first time something like this happens. You and this girl will both be happier once you are broken up and free to live independently. And who knows? Maybe there's a chance you might get back together; it's not unheard of. But for now work with the assumption that you are split indefinitely. Because in order to get back with her, you must first get over her.

I'm betting this problem has been brewing for quite some time. Just because you weren't aware of it doesn't mean she wasn't.


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No; truth, being alive, was not halfway between anything. It was only to be found by continuous excursions into either realm, and though proportion is the final secret, to espouse it at the outset is to insure sterility.

Only connect...


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Offlinehybridphil
Student

Registered: 03/04/04
Posts: 323
Loc: Milky Way....they'll neve...
Last seen: 16 years, 1 month
Re: Relationship problems [Re: quillini]
    #5694731 - 05/31/06 12:31 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

I am in the biggest dilemma right now. I can totally see that she is confused and doesn't know what she wants but she says that she knows she wants me in her life. I told her yesterday that maybe we need to take a break from each other so that we realize if we need each other in our lives and maybe appreciate the relationship. The next time I saw her, she was crying saying she didn't want to take a break and she always wants me to be in her life. And things have been good the last day or so. Maybe I'm just gullible, or maybe I have been exaggerating everything to myself and jumping to conclusions. She was telling me about how when she moves downtown she wants me to visit often and she will visit me. Am I just blinded by love again?

Edit: Thank you for the continuing replies!


--------------------
Psilocybin anonymous



Edited by hybridphil (05/31/06 12:32 PM)


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InvisibleRandalFlagg
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Posts: 15,608
Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5694958 - 05/31/06 01:33 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

Oh man. She is displaying all of the classic symptoms.

She doesn't want to lose the emotional support and intimacy that you give her, but she wants to carouse about and mess with other guys who seem to be more exciting. This girl WILL cheat on you. I guarantee you.

She will probably keep you around as a "fall-back" guy. She will run to you when she isn't getting along with one of her boy-toys. You, like a slavish Pavlovian dog, will comfort her. Five minutes later she'll be bored and on the hunt for new dick.


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Invisibleblacksabbathrulz
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5694972 - 05/31/06 01:39 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

It sounds to me like she is using you as a crutch. You should tell her to shape the fuck up, and if she doesn't, drop her like a ton of bricks.


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Invisibleblacksabbathrulz
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: blacksabbathrulz]
    #5694982 - 05/31/06 01:42 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

Man, I've totally been in your shoes. Your problem is you don't want to admit to yourself what is happening. This girl is using you, and you need to ditch her. I know in the above post I said you should tell her to shape up, but I think you should kick her to the curb. If you don't agree, you should at least make some demands, like she shouldn't go out drinking with guys, especially if the bitch isn't going to answer her phone and then turn it off. While she is out drinking she hasn't even taken the time to think or care that you have feelings to, and she is only gratifying herself.


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Offlinehybridphil
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Loc: Milky Way....they'll neve...
Last seen: 16 years, 1 month
Re: Relationship problems [Re: blacksabbathrulz]
    #5695251 - 05/31/06 03:06 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

I suppose we can stereotype girls and say she is showing symptoms of a typical girl...but we didn't have a typical relationship. Who am I kidding, you're right I just don't want to admit it, but I don't know to end it. I can't do it until my heart is completely broken and I've got nothing left in me. I don't want to keep letting her do this to me, but I'm too weak to do anything about it. And I have seen it. I have totally been her bitch for the last little while and she makes no effort for the relationship. Whenever we meet, it's me going to see her, never the other way around anymore. I don't understand how things have changed so quickly after we were totally in love for over a year spending every day together. I've seen girls do this before to guys. I'm sure it's happened but is it as typical for a guy to pull this on a girl? I could never do such a thing. If I say something, I mean it. I might be seeing her shortly, and I really want to do something about this, but I don't know how to approach her. As soon as she's going to be here, I'm just going to serve her and forget all my sadness until she leaves again. This is so hard...


--------------------
Psilocybin anonymous



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InvisibleRandalFlagg
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5695311 - 05/31/06 03:21 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

hybridphil said:
Who am I kidding, you're right I just don't want to admit it, but I don't know to end it.




...It's pretty easy to end it.  Just tell her you guys are through and that's it.

Quote:

hybridphil said:
I have totally been her bitch for the last little while and she makes no effort for the relationship. Whenever we meet, it's me going to see her, never the other way around anymore.




At least you admit it.

Quote:

hybridphil said:
I don't understand how things have changed so quickly after we were totally in love for over a year spending every day together.




Like a lot of people, she is selfish, fickle, and immature.  She is bored and she wants new dick.  :shrug:

Quote:

hybridphil said:
I've seen girls do this before to guys.




You know what you need to do.  Dump this bitch.  Relationships like this NEVER get better...they only get worse.  And, to top it off they always seem to drag out.  You will attempt to put your foot down and she will probably cry and pout.  You will give in and things will be back on.  Then she will start doing the same shit over again.

Everything I have said is the blatant truth and you know it.


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Offlinehybridphil
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #5695594 - 05/31/06 04:30 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

You know, one side of me knows that, but I have spent nearly 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with her for the last year and I have learnt quite a lot about her. She just came by to have some lunch with me finishing work at one place and going to another and soon as she saw me, she apologized for what she has been putting me through this last week. I know she is going through a hard time, moving out and achieving her personal goals, but I think she sincerely feels bad for whats been happening and she admitted to neglecting me. She really seems to want me in her life. I asked her straight up yesterday if she had been cheating on me and she thought that i had more trust in her than that. My gut feeling told me that she wasnt, as we had always talked about how painful it is to be cheated on as we both went through that before but I just needed that peace of mind. I felt bad for even thinking such a thing. I think as long as she follows through with what she says, then she really does want this to work. Maybe Im just being stubborn, but I am going to give this some time for her to prove herself in this relationship. I am no longer going to do everything for her, and if she leaves me, then Ill know what she was in it for, if not, then we will come out stronger because of it.

Edit: I will keep you guys posted and thanks for your input!


--------------------
Psilocybin anonymous



Edited by hybridphil (05/31/06 04:31 PM)


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InvisibleOsker246
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5695811 - 05/31/06 05:21 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

damn...

Reading this reminds me of a soap opera or something. It was just starting to get good. :grin: J/k Bro.

But I really hope things between the both of ya work out. Your relationship will be even better than before if you can get through this.  I just wanna say good luck and just hang in there man.


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Offlinehybridphil
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: Osker246]
    #5695840 - 05/31/06 05:28 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

Thank you very much. I appreciate your support and I just want to be optimistic about things at the moment. If things turn for the worse, I'l l know what to do about this. I don't think it's come quite to the point yet where breaking up is the best thing for our relationship but it might turn out to be. Only time can tell.


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Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5695850 - 05/31/06 05:31 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

Hopefully for you, me and the others are wrong. In the end, it's up to you how far you want to carry this, and there is a possibility things will work out. Just please, for your own sake, don't let it drag on forever, as it will hurt you a lot, and you will end up hating this girl. I went through the same thing you did, and let it drag on forever, until I finally snapped, and realized I hated the girl for what she put me through.


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Offlinequillini
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #5696117 - 05/31/06 06:56 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

I disagree with RandalFlagg on some points. First off, breaking up might be simple in theory, but simplicity is not the issue. Ending a relationship is hard to do, especially if you are still in love and you don't have a Plan B. You can't ignore the emotional factor here. The heart can often be the mind's worst obstacle, second only to the penis. Especially when your heart and your penis are both in opposition to your mind, breaking up is a hell of a thing. Oversimplifying the situation doesn't help anything.

Secondly, it's not going to do you or anyone else any good to lower your opinion of this girl simply because she's growing up. Of course she's selfish, fickle, and immature. She's just turned 21, right? She's acting like every healthy 21 year old I've ever met acts. There's nothing wrong with being selfish, fickle, and immature at that age, before you have any responsibilities or whatnot. She hasn't really, in the grand scheme of things, done anything that horrible to you, and you're not the first guy in the world who's had these sorts of issues. If this situation didn't occur with this girl, it would have occurred with someone else. It's just part of life.

hybridphil, maybe there's something to your doubts as to whether breaking up at this point would be appropriate or not. Perhaps that might be too drastic. But one way or another, you need to take a break (even if temporary) from each other. You need to arrange for there to be days when you know she isn't going to call, and live these days for yourself. Find out what you're into, make your own friends, develop a life outside your relationship that satisfies you and gives you something to do with yourself. Pining over a girl is no way to spend a perfectly nice day. When you catch yourself doing that, take it as an indication that you're missing an opportunity to do something more productive. Ultimately this situation is not so much about her (she's an adult and can take care of herself) as it is about you.

There's nothing in the world wrong with a 21-year-old girl, with no children or pressing obligations, being a bit selfish.

And everyone knows girls, including this one, are suckers for selfish (read: independant) guys. Confidence begets power, and power is the greatest aphrodesiac.


--------------------
No; truth, being alive, was not halfway between anything. It was only to be found by continuous excursions into either realm, and though proportion is the final secret, to espouse it at the outset is to insure sterility.

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Re: Relationship problems [Re: quillini]
    #5696339 - 05/31/06 07:50 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

quillini said:
I disagree with RandalFlagg on some points. 





Blasphemy!

Quote:

quillini said:
First off, breaking up might be simple in theory, but simplicity is not the issue.  Ending a relationship is hard to do, especially if you are still in love and you don't have a Plan B. 




I never said that it was easy to do.  The necessary steps are easy to recognize but often hard to enact.

Quote:

quillini said:
Of course she's selfish, fickle, and immature.  She's just turned 21, right?  She's acting like every healthy 21 year old I've ever met acts.  There's nothing wrong with being selfish, fickle, and immature at that age, before you have any responsibilities or whatnot.

There's nothing in the world wrong with a 21-year-old girl, with no children or pressing obligations, being a bit selfish.





There is a problem if your selfishness breaks somebody elses heart.  If she hops on some other guy's dick and absolutely crushes hybridphil....how is that healthy?

Quote:

quillini said:
She hasn't really, in the grand scheme of things, done anything that horrible to you




She will.  I guarantee it.  Once women start to lose interest in a guy they rarely get it back.

Quote:

quillini said:
But one way or another, you need to take a break (even if temporary) from each other.  You need to arrange for there to be days when you know she isn't going to call, and live these days for yourself. 




If this relationship is to be salvaged (that is a very big if), then this is really the only way it can be done.  Take a break and reevaluate stuff.

Quote:

quillini said:
Find out what you're into, make your own friends, develop a life outside your relationship that satisfies you and gives you something to do with yourself. 




:thumbup:  Women like men who have lives and who are good at stuff.

Quote:

quillini said:
And everyone knows girls, including this one, are suckers for selfish (read: independant) guys.




Selfishness is not independence.  Independence is when a person can support themselves and they are assured of themselves.  Selfishness is when a person thinks only of themself;  often to the detriment of others.


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Offlinequillini
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #5696578 - 05/31/06 08:42 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

By being selfish I mean you should put yourself ahead of others, not that you should think only of yourself. Thinking only of yourself often works against you. Other people and their feelings etc. should be considered, but not at a disproportionate expense to yourself. At a certain point, if achieving something very important to you involves stepping on some toes, well, sometimes that's the price of happiness. I mean, if you're not looking after your own situation, who will? Ultimately you are the only person in the world who gives a shit whether or not you are where you want to be, and you are the only person you know you can (assuming free will of course) unconditionally rely on. Selfish is just a word with a lot of undeserved negative connotations.

I agree that the thought of this girl having sex with someone else can be painful, but when I said she hasn't done anything that horrible, that still applies even if she gets new dick, as it were. Sex causes all sorts of negative emotions, but keep in mind I said "in the grand scheme of things". Did she burn your house down? Kill your parents? Steal your life savings? Give you AIDS? No. Worst case scenario: she's fucking somebody else. That sucks, but it happens to almost everybody, and you will go through shit in life much much worse than this. Assuming the worst, her biggest crime IMO was leading somebody on and being dishonest.

How is it a problem when your selfishness breaks somebody else's heart? I just can't see it that way. Who's to say that that person didn't build up unrealistic expectations, and what is there to hold you to someone else's expectations? If you are unhappy in your situation you should get out of it and find something that makes you happy. Putting yourself through hell and living a lie just to avoid breaking someone's heart is stupid. Hearts get broken all the time; that's just the risk you take when you fall in love.


--------------------
No; truth, being alive, was not halfway between anything. It was only to be found by continuous excursions into either realm, and though proportion is the final secret, to espouse it at the outset is to insure sterility.

Only connect...


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Offlinehybridphil
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: quillini]
    #5697937 - 06/01/06 01:26 AM (17 years, 7 months ago)

I don't think every girl is the same but they are definitely always full of surprises. Your replies really made me think about what's best for me, and if my girlfriend still wants to be with me, I think that would be beneficial to her, giving her space that she needs.

Cheating unfortunately, is very common and trust is a very hard thing to get from somebody. When me and this girl first started dating, we talked about how painful and awful it is to cheat on somebody, and I think if she wanted to get with somebody else, then she would break the relationship off first.

What I need to do I think, is break down my expectations for the relationship, and that way, I can't get dissappointed, and if it works out, it'll be more than a mere fulfilled expectation.

I understand where she is coming from, that she feels "bound" in a way because of how our relationship was and it doesn't need to be that way. I think she can have her independence, and still continue the relationship. And if her freedom involves fucking other guys, then so be it. I'm not going to continue the relationship in that case, but your right quillini, there is a lot worse things that can happen. As much as I don't want our relationship to come to breaking up, if it happens, it's the risk I took in falling in love with her.

At this point in time, things have gotten a lil better. I don't think the case was that she lost interest in me, she's got a ton of other stuff to deal with at this moment in time. She got a new job downtown, she's working two jobs for a lil while, she's moving downtown propably in a couple weeks,she has a new best friend and between it all she wants to have fun. I can't be the center of attention to her all the time as I used to be. I can not only live with that, I can learn to appreciate my freedom in a commited relationship. The only other thing I can do is hope for the best and show her that I'm the best for her.


--------------------
Psilocybin anonymous



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InvisibleDirtMcgirt
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5698276 - 06/01/06 03:16 AM (17 years, 7 months ago)

Don't rationalize for her. That is what you are doing. She probably belives what she tells you, that is why you believe her. But her actions do not follow up her words. She is probably as confused as you about htis situation.

All other thing aside, she isn't fulfilling what you want from her. That is what a romantic relationship is for.


This is what I believe you need to do. Dump her. I assume you will never be with this girl again if that is the case. Good riddance. It sounds like YOU need time away from HER. Not the other way around. Also, SHE isn't worth YOUR time. Girlfriends, like boyfriends, are not supposed to compose their mate's social life. That's trouble.


For one, her friend is trying to hook her up with her brother. So her friend, her best friend, thinks your not a solid part of the picture. That comes from your girl. She probably is not gushing over you when you guys are apart. Or something else tells her friend that she wants/needs out. Her friend wouldn't have that this impression otherwise. This is a sign. Go with your gut.


So YOU need to get away from her. This is more relavent from your posts than the fact that it seems she isn't into this relationship anymore. Thats hard to tell from a message board. Don't think you can change this in a weekend. For your sake, dump her. MAybe you'll get back together but don't have any hopes in that direction. Tell yourself it is over and live that reality. It'll hurt but you will turn out the best in the end nad move on quicker.


--------------------
"And we, inhabitants of the great coral of the Cosmos, believe the atom (which still we cannot see) to be full matter, whereas, it too, like everything else, is but an embroidery of voids in the Void, and we give the name of being, dense and even eternal, to that dance of inconsistencies, that infinite extension that is identified with absolute Nothingness and that spins from its own non-being the illusion of everything."


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Offlinehybridphil
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: DirtMcgirt]
    #5699402 - 06/01/06 12:19 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

I don't think that's quite the case and I think I sort of have been jumping to conclusions pretty quickly. She talked to me, without me bringing anything up, that her best friend's brother wants to get with her. She told me that she said to him that she not only has a boyfriend she loves, but that you're my best friend's brother. I'd think it'd be weird to sleep with your best friend's sibling. I mean, I think that girls personal boundaries are less structured than guys, but I think there is some common morality in that.

I don't expect my girl to be gushing over me when she is away from me. I think relationships are only like that for the first couple months, and the inital excitement of it fades and love keeps things going.

Despite all your comments and suggestions of breaking up with her, I feel better than I have in a while about this. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate every one of your replies. But everybody makes mistakes and goes wrong sometimes, and maybe my girl has made the mistake of neglecting me for the last couple weeks. I can forgive her for that as she seems to be genuinely sorry and wants to make things better.

We talked about her moving downtown and a situation I have about where I'm going to live. She said that her moving downtown was supposed to be a girl's thing for her and her friend, but she said if I have nowhere to live, she wouldn't just leave me homeless and said that I could live with her. I wouldn't do that to her as that would show a lot of weakness on my part, but she offered and that shows me that she cares and does love me.

I know that something needs to change in this relationship, but I don't think that it necessarily has to be at the cost of us breaking up. It's not something that both her and I want. I need to change in prioritizing myself over her, not the other way around, and not out of selfishness. I believe this will be for the benefit of the relationship.

As much as it hurts to read some of the negative replies and consider them a possibility, I feel that in the case that things turn for the worse, because of those replies I won't be surprised. Only time will tell how things turn out...


--------------------
Psilocybin anonymous



Edited by hybridphil (06/01/06 03:39 PM)


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InvisibleWIZOLZ
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5701822 - 06/01/06 10:25 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

I missed alot of the story, so Im just going to rant like I know what the hell Im talking about...

...sounds like you've evened things out relitively with your girl, good job, shes open for you...how about her friend? She sounds like a bad influence...:)

Alot of keen intuitions here though, some a bit to severe...Dont let your differences keep you apart. I think most of the battle was just withen your own musing brain, though you did catch her fading somwhat, brought through talking with her and showing your interested still in the relationship, she realized you wernt just a sucker who gets offended by notions, but can express a sense of real trust, love whatever. Rise above, see the picture for what it could be, learn to understand her feelings, but I warn you, do not get caught falling into the same patterns of reacting to her mistakes. Dont bicker at eachother about irational problems, that can't be love. Realize what works best, hold on to her, dont let fear work against you in this.

Also, I dont see how not staying a couple nights around her place would make thing's worse? Or show your weakness, when I read this I thought the exact oppisite...Though, If you do stop by, bring cake or juice...Girls love cake and juice ...and small gifts like that. Just go into it with the right mentality, dont ever get them into trouble. Thats not cool of anyone (...Enough to fight over...)

How are you dealing with this story about her roomate's brother? I hope your not considering, anything to stupid...? Though, he will most likly be over there once an awhile...

Its amazing how smart some people are around here, impresses the hell out of me. Say it as it is, but dont quit out...Live it while it's around, then stay to clean up the mess...


--------------------
---------o----o----o-------o------------------------o--o-o-
----------------------------------------------------------------
Requim for a Dream - Paul Oakenfold
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"The mis/abuse of any form of power, is the worst form of ignorance"
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WIZOLZ - Lover with a Killer's Smile


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Re: Relationship problems [Re: WIZOLZ]
    #5702035 - 06/01/06 11:16 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

You should tell your gf, that you will be fucking pissed if she ever lets her best friends brother over, or if she goes out drinking with him.


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Offlinehybridphil
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: blacksabbathrulz]
    #5703424 - 06/02/06 09:58 AM (17 years, 7 months ago)

Things have been getting alright recently. I realize that I my curiousity and wondering is actually making things worse for the situation. I feel as if I have just peaked on mushrooms and am in that "overthinking" phase. Which in a certain context is psychologically beneficial, but mixed with pessimism over a relationship is psychologically painful. Fear is not helping one bit.

The next two days is going to be the longest we've been apart in around 15 months, not by choice, but by our conflicting work schedules. I'm sort of glad this happened, because if I had the choice, I know I would want to see her, and knowing I can't doesn't give me a choice. And I will definitely bring her some cake when I see her. I know she loves cheesecake...she's in for a surprise. I feel sometimes like I spoil her too much but I really can't help it.

I know that her roommate's brother is going to be there every once in a while, and that can't be helped, but what makes him any worse than any other guy she could invite over without me even knowing? Having a gorgeous girlfriend does have it's downfalls in a long-term relationship...I'm sure there's plenty guys that would want to get with her, but I can't fear that and I definitely wasn't considering doing anything stupid about her roommate's brother. It's not worth it and it wouldn't look good to my gf on my part. I don't think there is anything going on with them anyways. I can't stop every guy from trying to get with my gf, I can only trust her to not do something about it. I miss her already...





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InvisibleOsker246
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5704526 - 06/02/06 03:25 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

Glad to hear things are getting better for ya. Just enjoy every moment you can with her cause ya never know if its going to be your last. She's definitely a cutie though, good job :thumbup:.


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Offlinedoodoomaster
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5704957 - 06/02/06 06:08 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

Uhhh, why don't you get up and trying to sound like you are not whining and worried so much.


Arrange a date night or two or three and make plans. Be assertive, girls don't like lazy guys with stoner like quality's and don't do things with her. Only when you are married is when you settle and spend countless time with someone.

Don't you have any friends? Call them up, say come on over with some drinks and your girlfriends are welcome as well. Go out, experience life while you are young, meet people and other females too!!

There is no time for you to obsess about what she is doing all the time. Take that time and read a book if there is no where to go. You seem pretty smart and aware of your life, sometimes, more times than less you have to go with your intuition.

So go to a party or something there alike but like said before have a few nights a week that you and her dedicate to spending time together. In the mean time go do things. It may be hard to do at first but whenever you truly realize that life does go on instead of saying or much less typing it you will be much better.

So what are we doing....?
1.make plans to spend time with her
2.call some friends and make plans with them
3.keep yourself occupied: hobbies, reading, other people
4.stay up and don't pity yourself or her.

Like many people before me have said without sugarcoating...."She is looking for excitement through her friends(maybe) other MEN(probably the case) or from my personal experience her friends finding and introducing her to other men.(survey says....#1 answer)

So try getting some other grease traps heated up and if something doesnt work out with you and her and can try out your recently liberated thermometer.
If it meets the right temperature you can start frying chicken again.


--------------------
For all you passive aggressive types.  Fuck you, kind of.


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OfflineGrok
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: doodoomaster]
    #5705770 - 06/02/06 10:24 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

^^^Solid adive.

It seems like you have let this girl become the complete center of your life. Trust me, I know exactly how this is - NOT healthy for a relationship. After spending so much time together one of you will end up feeling like your life is getting stagnant and you will detach yourself from the situation. Sounds like that is the direction she was headed maybe?

This is hard and is something I am having to deal with right now. My girl became the total center of my life, and it really dragged me down to a low level. I couldn't take it anymore. I have no social life outside of her where I'm at now - at the end of my freshman year of college - when I should have a awesome social life. Its not her fault really...it just happens because you think spending all your time together is great. But you need to get out and make some friends and let her do the same. I know its hard when she has a social life and maybe you don't - it seems unfair and you will feel bad when she's out having fun and you're stomping around in the mud worrying about what she's up to. Been there and hope I don't EVER fucking go back.

2 days is NOTHING. Think of how much you would miss her if you couldn't talk to her for 2 weeks. Ween yourself off a bit now. Take this time to reflect. Take several days apart from time to time. Work on this man or you will find yourself in my situation and it sucks balls for sure!!


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Offlinehybridphil
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: Grok]
    #5706525 - 06/03/06 01:53 AM (17 years, 7 months ago)

Yeah I'm doing by best and it's geting better. I used to keep tripping out and think that she would be calling or texting me and my phone was ringing...but every time I'd check, there was nobody calling...Now, I leave my phone laying around and if she calls, she can leave a message. I'm telling myself that I can't always be thinking about her and it's slowly getting better.

I am pretty stubborn to change, and over a week ago a huge change came over me. I am slowly getting adjusted to it, and am actually finding it healthier for myself. I definitely want her IN my life, but not to BE my life. I was happy today because for the first time in a lil while my gf calls me to say she misses me out of the blue. She used to do that all the time, but over the last couple weeks, I think she's seen that I've been insecure and maybe didn't miss that about me. I think now she sees that I'm strong about it and emotionally stable and that's something she misses.

I'm finding myself time for friends I haven't seen in a while, and most of all time to skate. Been ripping up the skateparks last week, sometimes out of anger and frustration at the situation, and it always made me feel better. I think I can go without my gf for a day and not break a sweat, but I wonder if I can go without skating for a day now...Replacing one addiction with another. Well, all for the better! Thanks again for your replies and I'll keep you posted.


--------------------
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InvisibleDirtMcgirt
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5706667 - 06/03/06 03:39 AM (17 years, 7 months ago)

You seem to have the right head on your shoulders...remember, go with your gut and don't forget *you* come first. And always carry with you the possibility that this relationship could end and that is not necessarily a bad thing. It's how human relationships work.

Good luck, bro.


--------------------
"And we, inhabitants of the great coral of the Cosmos, believe the atom (which still we cannot see) to be full matter, whereas, it too, like everything else, is but an embroidery of voids in the Void, and we give the name of being, dense and even eternal, to that dance of inconsistencies, that infinite extension that is identified with absolute Nothingness and that spins from its own non-being the illusion of everything."


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Offlinehybridphil
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: DirtMcgirt]
    #6332518 - 12/04/06 10:56 AM (17 years, 1 month ago)

It has been a while since I started this thread. I'm glad I didn't break up this girl at that time. Maybe it wouldn't have been as painful, but I'm glad I got to be with her for longer and I can't say that I wasn't happy as hard as it was. We just broke up last night. We live together, we have a dog, and yes it's complicated. We both really love each other and we're going to work through it. I am crushed and have been crying for the last 11 hours. I don't think I have any tears left, yet they still keep coming. I don't see a life without her right now, and that makes it so much harder for me. She said that she needs to find herself and she needs independence through it. We ARE only 19 and as big a deal as I'm making this, it really was. We've been living together day in, day out for almost 2 years, we've been to Thailand for 2 months, we've been through a lot and every memory of mine from the last 2 years is with her. Right now, I don't even know if I can physically withdraw myself from this girl. I am so depressed right now as it seems everything in my life is going wrong. I broke my foot about 2 months ago, and I can never skate again, I got my iPod stolen a week ago, I got a ticket 2 weeks ago which will get my license suspended, my car's oil cooler lines broke and now it don't work and now I'm losing the best thing that ever happened to me. I am so attached to her, but I'll do it in her best interest. She is also the only friend that I have and my best friend. I plan on continuing being best friends with her for as long as possible. If we were meant to be together, then one day, we will. I won't keep my hopes up. I don't regret anything.

LOVE = DRUG = CHEMICAL REACTION
LOVE = BLIND = HOPELESS


I don't know where to start with letting her go...


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Psilocybin anonymous



Edited by hybridphil (12/04/06 10:59 AM)


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InvisiblePenguarky Tunguin
f n o r d
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Registered: 08/08/04
Posts: 17,192
Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #6332570 - 12/04/06 11:14 AM (17 years, 1 month ago)

Start by living moment to moment, hour to hour and go from there. IT's all you really can do. Try and laugh a bit too. Love is not the emotion that binds the universe, humor is.


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Every mistake, intentional or otherwise, in the above post, is the fault of the reader.


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Offlinefoureyes
i against i
Registered: 09/30/06
Posts: 53
Last seen: 16 years, 30 days
Re: Relationship problems [Re: Penguarky Tunguin]
    #6335791 - 12/05/06 09:28 AM (17 years, 1 month ago)

same things have happened to everyone man, she's using you. and you gotta get back at her by using her and having really degrading sex with her and then cheating on her also


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with my third eye, I focus with


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InvisibleRandalFlagg
Stranger
Registered: 06/15/02
Posts: 15,608
Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #6337048 - 12/05/06 03:49 PM (17 years, 1 month ago)

Damn, shit like this sucks. It is like cutting your arm off when you end it with somebody that you are extremely close to. It hurts a LOT.

You need to move on it sounds like. It's hard but it is the healthiest thing to do.


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