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Codependent some more (rant/vent)
    #9454352 -

God I hate having fucking feelings! I am so pissed at myself for being 28 years old, and unable to trust my own feelings. I still love Dick!! I still wanna hold him and kiss him and tell him it will be ok, because I know he is crying without me.

But here I am, in a situation where I can FINALLY improve my life for once. I can prove that the cruel things he's said about me are wrong. I can show everyone that I am a capable woman, that has been held back by an unhealthy relationship, and not complete bat-shit insanity.

And most importantly, I can make sure my kids never have to see anything like this again. If I was a single girl with no kids, I'd probably stay with him until we finally killed each other. But I can't let my kids see this anymore.

It occurred to me upon considering Dick's dad, that Dick learned every single fucked up trait he's got from his douche of a dad. And his mom let it happen for over 20 years. So even if he knows better cognitively, he is hardwired to believe that this is how a man acts, and that a woman is supposed to tolerate it.

I will not let my boys have such a model for manhood. I will not let them think that this is what their women are supposed to be like, and I sure as hell won't let my daughter who is almost two, grow up thinking that a woman is supposed to be like what I have been since before she was born.

I have to break the fucking cycle. This shit stops with me.

Sorry, Dick, I know you are reading this. And yes, I love you. I always will. And God, how I pray that you will choose to do the same in your life. But, the things you need to fix are going to take you a really long time, and that's if you get started right away, and work constantly. I don't know if you are capable of being good enough for my family or not. But if you ever will be, it might just be too late.

Yes, I fucking said it, my family is too good for you. We are awesome, beautiful, loving people who deserve the best things in life, and a man who will support us, love us, and provide us a life free from hurtful words, neglect, and infidelity.


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Re: Codependent some more (rant/vent) [Re: TheHappieHippies]
    #9454377 -

BE STRONG!!  Get going on your new life :sun:


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Re: Codependent some more (rant/vent) [Re: TheHappieHippies]
    #9460260 -

You sound so smart when I read your post.  They ask people like you to write articles.  Keep that brain of yours and do what you know to do.  Good luck.

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Re: Codependent some more (rant/vent) [Re: TheHappieHippies]
    #13498396 -

TheHappieHippies said:
God I hate having fucking feelings! I am so pissed at myself for being 28 years old, and unable to trust my own feelings. I still love Dick!! I still wanna hold him and kiss him and tell him it will be ok, because I know he is crying without me.

But here I am, in a situation where I can FINALLY improve my life for once. I can prove that the cruel things he's said about me are wrong. I can show everyone that I am a capable woman, that has been held back by an unhealthy relationship, and not complete bat-shit insanity.

And most importantly, I can make sure my kids never have to see anything like this again. If I was a single girl with no kids, I'd probably stay with him until we finally killed each other. But I can't let my kids see this anymore.

It occurred to me upon considering Dick's dad, that Dick learned every single fucked up trait he's got from his douche of a dad. And his mom let it happen for over 20 years. So even if he knows better cognitively, he is hardwired to believe that this is how a man acts, and that a woman is supposed to tolerate it.

I will not let my boys have such a model for manhood. I will not let them think that this is what their women are supposed to be like, and I sure as hell won't let my daughter who is almost two, grow up thinking that a woman is supposed to be like what I have been since before she was born.

I have to break the fucking cycle. This shit stops with me.

Sorry, Dick, I know you are reading this. And yes, I love you. I always will. And God, how I pray that you will choose to do the same in your life. But, the things you need to fix are going to take you a really long time, and that's if you get started right away, and work constantly. I don't know if you are capable of being good enough for my family or not. But if you ever will be, it might just be too late.

Yes, I fucking said it, my family is too good for you. We are awesome, beautiful, loving people who deserve the best things in life, and a man who will support us, love us, and provide us a life free from hurtful words, neglect, and infidelity.


Wow!! Looking back, I just realized how very long this road of healing has been. I am just now getting on my own two feet after YEARS of dependency with abusive men. I am still suffering the effects of the choices I made in that relationship. I haven't lived with my two oldest children for over a year now, though I finally was reunited with them recently in a short visit to their dad's house, and planning mediation with their dad to have them back more regularly. My daughter spent the first night with me in two years, just last night. And all of this because I was addicted to abuse.

But I am finally proving to myself all the things I suspected might be true about myself... Turns out I actually kinda like me.


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"Reality is only a rorschach ink blot you know."
~Alan Watts

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Re: Codependent some more (rant/vent) [Re: twirlingdervish]
    #13500371 -

twirlingdervish = OP?

I'm confused.




Power to both of you, or to you, whichever applies.

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Re: Codependent some more (rant/vent) [Re: memes]
    #13502205 -

Makes 2 of us


--------------------
"I don't give nothin' to nobody, I just pay the cost to do business." - Riley "Young Reezy"-Boondocks

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

"In the days of kings and queens I was a jester."

"And then the great lord created bears... too many bears... shoulda really dialed back on the bears." Squidbillies

"Can you start speaking words instead of your damn filthy lies!"- Louise "Bobs Burgers"

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Re: Codependent some more (rant/vent) [Re: Enjoywho]
    #13502683 -

I would suggest therapy for the both of you as well as rehab, if it's needed.

Good luck. :thumbup:

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Re: Codependent some more (rant/vent) [Re: floatingupstream]
    #13509928 -

Yes, I was the OP. Stopped using that account when I left the abusive relationship...

Just reminiscing...


--------------------
"Reality is only a rorschach ink blot you know."
~Alan Watts

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Re: Codependent some more (rant/vent) [Re: twirlingdervish]
    #13512811 -

Ah, well glad to hear your doing well! And doing you! Keep it up!


--------------------
"I don't give nothin' to nobody, I just pay the cost to do business." - Riley "Young Reezy"-Boondocks

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

"In the days of kings and queens I was a jester."

"And then the great lord created bears... too many bears... shoulda really dialed back on the bears." Squidbillies

"Can you start speaking words instead of your damn filthy lies!"- Louise "Bobs Burgers"

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