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Unfolding Nature Shop: Unfolding Nature: Being in the Implicate Order

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Relationship problems
    #5657973 -

I don't mean to sound like a whining bitch or anything but I've always turned to the shroomery when I've had problems and it's helped me get through them. I'm currently in a relationship of over a year and it's almost a year longer than any relationship I have had before. Longest before this was maybe a month. I fell in love with her over a year ago and we haven't been apart a day since. I always thought of it as a bad thing for relationships but I haven't had a dull day with her ever. She just recently turned legal drinking age and as I am not of age (don't judge me by my age) I can't join her partying and going to bars. I see bars as a place for guys to watch sports, play pool, and a place for girls to get picked up. I have been to many bars and this is what I've seen unless there's a dance floor or other attraction. I don't like when she goes out to bars and such but she has her freedom and I've learned to live with it. Ever since a couple days ago, I've noticed she's been acting a lot differently and she no longer makes any effort to see me, in fact more of an effort to avoid me, but by lying and saying that she wants to. Just today, she said she was coming over to see me at my house, and I was excited as I saw an effort on her part to see me. I call her an hour later and she said she's watching a movie, so I let her finish that. I call her 2 hours later, she said that she was walking to my house and it started raining so she went to her friends place which is the exact same distance for her to walk to my house. I've called off all my plans for today to see her and it ain't happening. I try not to make any assumptions, but I feel like she's doing something that I don't know about. I've had this happen in my short relationships before. I got a certain feeling that something was up and everytime it was right. I think she has feelings for somebody else. I just hope my feeling is wrong. I've been cheated on in every relationship I have ever been in and I'm sick and tired of it. I don't want things to end like this. What do you guys think? I'll appreciate any input.


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Psilocybin anonymous


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Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5658443 -

Well, having never been involved in a relationship myself, I may not be the best person to be giving advice. But why not try talking to her about it? If you can be reasonably sure something is up, then maybe try asking if anything is bothering her regarding you two? Don't think i'd just straight up ask if she's cheating or something though, but bring it up and hopefully if there is anything she will want to talk about it. If not just make it clear that this is important to you and if you still can't discuss and work through things like that with her... well, I don't know then.

And as I re-read this, I noticed that it's only been a few days. That isn't much time at all man, i'm not saying you shouldn't feel that way or anything as I think I know the feeling but maybe it's just been a rough few days or something? I might just observe things for a bit and see how it goes, and if it's still bothering you try talking to her about it then. Well, either way I wish you the best with whatever happens.

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Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5658469 -

She just discovered the bar/club world. It is new, fun, and exciting. It stays new, fun, and exciting until about the age of 25 or so. Keep your eye on her. Dump her ass if she cheats or ignores you terribly.

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Re: Relationship problems [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #5659554 -

Yeap...Girls are a coniving bunch they are and dependant on her principals and values, she could easily be considering alternative dishes...I really dont want to sound harsh, I realize love can be a dangerous thing, emotinally, so I'll see what I can share with you.

OK...First, don't discredit your instinct's. I think your probably a small percentage justified with your assumptions, but that's what they are at this point, assumptions and you have to carefull not to be drawn into them too heavily. Now, you need to understand girls (Its not impposible I tell you ^_^) ecspecially the bar scene ones, who above all are in a constant zone mentality, looking for action, for excitment, to feel powerfull in their womanly way. Well, I have nothing against this at all, I just dislike those who have no sense of moral character. Anywayz, Im sure shes a really decent girl and is just trying to fit into what her friends have been doing, what society deems "the place to be."

I would if I were you, make some plans with her, I mean make some final, do not break, solid plans. Make sure she accepts them and also follows up with them, if she doesnt, you've got a reason to be defensive, take no guff. DO NOT show her your upset atm for any of these semi-fears. Your seeing a shift in her behavior, well granted, shes starting to go out and be hailed in a swarm of other young, just as attractive young people, its got to tempt any girl. What you have to do, is shows her the man you are by stepping up and not letting her ditch you or get misdirected. At the moment, you are her boyfriend, no questions, no doubt, know your role and do somthing about these feelings NOW. (In a semi-nice, semi-assertive approach.) Dont worry about what your going to say, just show her you want to spend some time together and make it happen, get the chemistry flowin again, but DO NOT wuss around and mope or let her manipulate your feelings. Ive met girls who literally didnt have the balls to tell me that they wanted to end the relationship and just tried to avoid me and such, hoping I would get upset and end it instead. Ive made many many mistakes in many many relationships, but I've learned a few things and that's one...They come and go, as harsh as that seems (I know you've dedicated alot of time to this girl) Not to say its over or anything, like I said, this is pure observational assumption at the moment. So, take control and voice your concern about this bar scene. Say things like "Your too good and decent of a person to be hanging around those places, if you want to have fun, lets me and you rent a hot air ballon, sail to hawaii and take nude photographs of eachother untill we get sunburned and have to rub calomine lotion over eachother. LOL, somthing like that, but make sure she gets interested in YOU again bro. Thats the only way to revive the relationship. She has to consider you better then all the "Careless, drunken players out there." (Not all bar hoppers are this, I dont discredit them boyz...We all need some lovin)


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Requim for a Dream - Paul Oakenfold
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"The mis/abuse of any form of power, is the worst form of ignorance"
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WIZOLZ - Lover with a Killer's Smile

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Re: Relationship problems [Re: WIZOLZ]
    #5659613 -

Good post.


I'll add: Never trust what a woman says, always go by what she DOES. Actions never lie. If a woman likes you, she will ALWAYS make time for you. Your situation doens't look good, my friend.


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Every mistake, intentional or otherwise, in the above post, is the fault of the reader.

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Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5659627 -

sorry to hear that man,

follow her to a bar one night

if she comes out with a guy you'll know whats up

unfortuneately the bar scene ruins more relationship if one get into it before the other

alcohol stiffens dicks and loosen lips

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Re: Relationship problems [Re: goobler]
    #5660534 -

Thanks for all the replies especially WIZOLZ. I'm just going to talk to her and tell her how I feel but be strong about it. I really do love her and I want her to be happy, whatever tha involves. Although I hope that is with me, I can't change fate and if it wasn't meant to be I'm not going to fight that. But I'm definitely going to give it my all. Thanks again all!


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Psilocybin anonymous


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Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5665729 -

After talking to her...she told me that she just doesn't want to spend as much time together. And to me, that only sounds like the first step towards a breakup. Although I do sort of understand because we have been together everyday of our relationship. She says that she wants to go out with girlfriends and be more free. I respect her space, but our relationship has been changing and she never replies to me when I say I'm glad to see her, or that I miss her, or anything. Just right now, we were supposed to meet after I got off work, and she went downtown instead. She said she had an "interview" but she was almost downtown two hours ago and it takes less than an hour to get there. My mind just naturally thinks of the worst things possible because of how things have been going with us. A week ago, our relationship was so great like the previous year before that. I don't understand how things can change so fast?


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Psilocybin anonymous


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Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5668762 -

I think in some way it has happened to all of us atleast once in our relationships. Understanding the pyhcological aspects of it might get confusing, but then again, might also help you alliviate any underlining hurt that this may cause. I guess it's a matter of maturity, having to free oneself is evidence of having felt confined or afraid, insecure in a degree to one's lifestyle and upbringing. I think all girls eventually seek to be free in themselves of commitments, their very perceptive creatures, but can also be very irrational. Think of how fathers treat their daughters...Its usually a very close, controlled sort of relationship (not all of them of coarse, there a many differences involved) but the majority create this feeling. It's no wonder teenage girls seek liberation and control of their own lives, ecsepcially since the world seems to be so attractive, but its really not. Its actually a scary, scary place though for some, God...its horrible, Im constantly hearing stories about rapes and things like that...Happens all the time.

Whats important though, is that we realize who the people that actually CARE for our lives are. This girl knows you really care for her, YOU KNOW you really care for her, which is a very special thing already. So, do your best to adjust to these changes, but whatever you do, DO NOT get angry and totally ruin this and dont let her ruin it ether. Though, you seem to be dealing with it rather calm and maturly. If your finding it diffucult, just understand that she will always need some person to be a retreat eventually, somone she knows, cares for, and trusts...Be this person, let her know it, but DO NOT be her back-up boyfriend. She will only lose respect for you, its sad, but its the way girls think. Desperation doesnt have a pretty face, nor does neglection (her). If this means you have to start looking elsewhere for maybe another girl, it might just lead to it. On the flip side, I could be completly wrong about all of this and she could jsut be trying to test to see if you like her enough to persue her. I dont know, you have to be the judge.

So, dont let her behavior ruin a good thing, but it might take awhile for her to understand the actuality of what shes going to lose in you. Also, If you want me to share a story or two about this, give me a PM somtime.


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---------o----o----o-------o------------------------o--o-o-
----------------------------------------------------------------
Requim for a Dream - Paul Oakenfold
---------------------------------------------------------------
"The mis/abuse of any form of power, is the worst form of ignorance"
-------------------------------------------------------------
WIZOLZ - Lover with a Killer's Smile

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Re: Relationship problems [Re: WIZOLZ]
    #5671130 -

I told her about how I feel in a very calm way and things seem to be going better. She feels bad for having neglected me and says she just needs to get better at finding a balance between me and her friends. Although in a way I do sort of have to let her go, I can't keep her all the time, it is a very hard thing to do and it hurts that I have to do this, but I'm doing this for her. I think that she is well aware of the fact that I care very deeply for her and I think she does too. Although there's a few things I have questions about..like she just got the job downtown and I'm happy for her but along with the rest of her family, I worry and wonder about how she is going to get there and back returning late at night. She says she needs to face her fears and I don't think she does. Also, I heard from a friend that she told that she was considering moving downtown. This would have a detremental effect on our relationship and today I saw her get a text message from her friends saying I can't wait to move out. I talked to her about it and she didn't want to talk about it. She said she haven't even decided if she wants the job even though she already made plans to quit her current job and her friends seem to think that her minds made up. I feel like she's keeping secrets from me and she keeps telling me she doesn't want to talk about it but I think she has to before she makes a solid decision.. I appreciate all your replies guys. I feel a lot better when I read your replies and they are reassuring of the fact that no matter what happens, life goes on.


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Psilocybin anonymous


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Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5671605 -

I would move on away from her.

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Re: Relationship problems [Re: gregorio]
    #5672653 -

In doing that, I would throwing a very good thing away. Can you justify your suggestion?


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Psilocybin anonymous


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Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5673029 -

First off, you seem to be handling this very maturely and seem very open to suggestions and input, which will be be helpful to you no matter what.

I hate to say it, but I can relate from my experiences that this girl likley has doubts about what she wants. She may tell you things that don't really add up. It's hard, but you have to evaluate what is happening by her actions and not her words. I hate to generalize, as I know this definatly isn't the case for many girls, but girls often don't say what they mean or mean what they say. If you feel something different about her, then something IS different. When this has happened to me (twice), it was because I was cheated on and lied to, even though I didn't know it at the time.

I have always regretted not listening to my intuition about things that were happening, and it seems you have a good reason to be concerned and I would be surpirsed if you are wrong about her wanting to try new things and have her freedom. I'm sure she meets a lot of people at bars and stuff, and it seems like she is losing interest but doesn't want to hurt you by flat out leaving or being honest.

The only way to know is to directly confront her about this. Don't let her dodge it, and if she does it probably means something. Be assertive and don't put up with dodginess! Dodgy girls are NOT worth having strong feelings for. Keep an open mind towards everything, and remember that nothing lasts forever and life goes on. Sometimes its just best to let them fly, and if they love you they will come back. You seem like a strong individual, I'm sure you get this sorted out. Good luck man.


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Entropy is increasing.
To send me a PM, go to my journal

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Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5674227 -

It sounds like you are the one being thrown away. From the way I see it the writing is on the wall that she doesn't want you anymore.

You said for yourself that is has gotten to the point where you think she is keeping secrets fom you. That's never a good sign. It has gotten to the point that you are reading her text messages. I would get away from her before your feelings of love turn into feelings of hate and resentment.

And if she comes back she comes back. If not....

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Re: Relationship problems [Re: Grok]
    #5674248 -

cilosyb said:
First off, you seem to be handling this very maturely...


I have always regretted not listening to my intuition about things that were happening, and it seems you have a good reason to be concerned and I would be surpirsed if you are wrong about her wanting to try new things and have her freedom.

The only way to know is to directly confront her about this. Don't let her dodge it, and if she does it probably means something. Be assertive and don't put up with dodginess! Dodgy girls are NOT worth having strong feelings for.


I agree entirely.

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Re: Relationship problems [Re: gregorio]
    #5687253 -

I don't think my feelings of love could ever turn to resentment and hate, as I love her and no matter how much she changes, I'm still going to love her. Even if that doesn't involve me in her life. I just talked to her recently and she seems to be sincere about wanting to keep the relationship. As we have been spending less time together, she has been making more of an effort to see me and appreciates our time together. Maybe this is what she needs. If only that was the extent of things, but I don't understand how she expects our relationship to stay as it is when she moves downtown. She's going to taste the freedom of being away from me, meet new people, and eventually want freedom from commitment. On the other hand, people have relationships across the world that work so why wouldn't ours too. Maybe I'm just too used to what we had which was being together all the time. Perhaps she really does want our relationship to work out but everytime I talk to her about her moving downtown she tries to change the subject and she wants me to be happy for her decision. It's hard to be happy for something that involves letting go of something I love so very much. Regardless, the best thing I can do for her is be happy and support her. I don't think I could do it without the support of my friends, both here and nearby. Keep the opinions and support coming. Can never have enough opinions and support. Thanks guys!  :heart:


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Psilocybin anonymous


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Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5690308 -

It seems like every day this relationship is wavering. One day, I think everything is ok, the next I don't know what to do what to do with myself. A few days ago, I thought another man came in the picture. Her friend had sent her a text message saying "my brother think's you're adorable. He really likes you!!". I asked her about it and she said that he just wants to get in every girl's pants. The next day, she was opening messages from her friend's brother himself. She said that he just invited her to a bbq. She spends more time over there than she does with me. I'm not jealous, just worried and I can't help it. Yesterday, she was saying how much fun she had getting stoned with her friend and her friend's brother and how she was going to drink with them tonight. Am I justified in being worried that something is wrong here? I mean, she did say that she told him off but should I be worrying? I texted her many times throughout the night and called her with no response. The next thing I know, her phone is off. I spent the entire evening wandering the streets and crying till I could cry no more. She calls me in the middle of this and she knows something's wrong. I can barely speak because I'm crying so hard and she just tells me to go to sleep. I feel like she doesn't care about our relationship anymore and as much as I'm trying to ignore it, it's getting more obvious. She wanted compromise, this is sacrifice. I'm putting myself through hell to give her her space, and I recieve nothing but ignorance and neglect in return. I thought I was getting better with being away from her, but I don't know if I could live another day of this.

Edit: I realize that the problem in this relationship that is causing me all this stress is me myself. I feel like an awful boyfriend for saying she doesn't care. I apologize for blaming you.


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Psilocybin anonymous


Edited by hybridphil (05/30/06 11:45 AM)

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Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5690787 -

Dude...don't delude yourself any further. The writing is on the wall. She is bored of you and she wants to fuck other guys. I know that sounds harsh but you need to realize and accept the truth.

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Re: Relationship problems [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #5692196 -

RandalFlagg said:
Dude...don't delude yourself any further. The writing is on the wall. She is bored of you and she wants to fuck other guys. I know that sounds harsh but you need to realize and accept the truth.


This girl is using you. I'm sure she's very nice and all, but she's confused with her life and is leading you on. It's a shitty thing to do to somebody, but confusion and desperation often have the troubling effect of blurring morality. I'm saying this because I've been there, and this is going nowhere good as long as she's in control.

You're doing everything for her and that's very romantic, putting yourself through hell and everything, but in a year you will look back on this and see it was futile and silly. Start doing things for yourself. Find your own social scene, and eventually a new girlfriend. But you can't do any of that until you grieve for this relationship. And you can't grieve until you recognize it is over.

You're going to be OK man. You have a good sound mind and you seem to be a whole lot more mature than most guys the first time something like this happens. You and this girl will both be happier once you are broken up and free to live independently. And who knows? Maybe there's a chance you might get back together; it's not unheard of. But for now work with the assumption that you are split indefinitely. Because in order to get back with her, you must first get over her.

I'm betting this problem has been brewing for quite some time. Just because you weren't aware of it doesn't mean she wasn't.


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No; truth, being alive, was not halfway between anything. It was only to be found by continuous excursions into either realm, and though proportion is the final secret, to espouse it at the outset is to insure sterility.

Only connect...

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Re: Relationship problems [Re: quillini]
    #5694731 -

I am in the biggest dilemma right now. I can totally see that she is confused and doesn't know what she wants but she says that she knows she wants me in her life. I told her yesterday that maybe we need to take a break from each other so that we realize if we need each other in our lives and maybe appreciate the relationship. The next time I saw her, she was crying saying she didn't want to take a break and she always wants me to be in her life. And things have been good the last day or so. Maybe I'm just gullible, or maybe I have been exaggerating everything to myself and jumping to conclusions. She was telling me about how when she moves downtown she wants me to visit often and she will visit me. Am I just blinded by love again?

Edit: Thank you for the continuing replies!


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Psilocybin anonymous


Edited by hybridphil (05/31/06 12:32 PM)

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Unfolding Nature Shop: Unfolding Nature: Being in the Implicate Order

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