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Anonymous #1

Rant: relationships
    #3304297 - 11/01/04 12:38 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

The past few weeks I've been thinking about sexual relationships. I had my first girlfriend 10 years ago when I was 13 and haven't had another since. It hasn't been a problem of finding someone who was interested. It was just that the first experience was so bad that I never wanted another 'relationship' again. Let me explain what happened. Things were going well until I realized the enormous amount of social pressure that was put on us. Not from the girl, she was very cool and relaxed, but from her friends and my friends. Whenever my peers were around there was this pressure put on me to put on a performance, like hold hands with the girl, kiss her, etc. Well, you know how kids are. These days if people acted this way I'd just tell 'em to fuck off, but I was just a kid and didn't have the balls to do that back then. Well, I caved in to the social pressure. I'd kiss her, call her, whenever I was 'expected' to, even if I didn't feel like it. Everything got to be very contrived and, needless to say, the girl and I both loss interest because of this and things ended on horrible terms.

Since then I've always seen this social pressure going on around couples in a relationship. Even now 10 years later my peers are the same way. Not only that, but as people get older I noticed the social pressure outside the couple is reflected inside the relationship. There are certain assumptions and expectations that the couple must adhere to, especially when first meeting and "hooking up.". Rules of engagement I guess.

Another thing is neediness, which I absolutely can't stand. I guess this is part of the relationship rules of engagement, that couples are supposed to talk every other day, if not every day, shower each other with attention, gifts, or whatever. And if you don't talk to the other person for more than a few days you've made a very bad mistake!  My first and only girlfriend expected us to talk on the phone at least every couple days. How can I possibly be in a relationship with someone who demands my attention every day? I don't even talk to my closest friends that often! These relationship rules aren't "love" or anything like that either, it's downright neediness and insecurity, which is what almost all sexual relationships are based on.

Whenever I think about getting into a relationship it's always forced from outside me. Social pressure. Having friends ask, "how come you never have a girlfriend? Are you gay?" "Oh my god would you shut the fuck up!?" I lost count how many times people have asked me those two questions. The thing is, I don't understand, and may never understand, what people 'get' out of relationships. I just can't relate to people in relationships. I don't understand how they feel about it or why they would want to be in such a contrived social arrangement. Combine the social pressure, the rules, and the insecurity that I wrote about, and you get my mindset, which basically equals a huge puzzling WHY???? What reward do I get out of this suffering and work, having to be so attached to someone and communicate with them only by certain rules? I never got anything good out my first relationship, so I don't see what I'd get out of any other. That's really what it comes down to. There's no good, only bad.

Was it my first failed relationship and my viewing of others' relationships only from the outside that molded this mindset within me? I don't know, it's possible. But as long as I think this way I'll never attempt to have a relationship ever again.

My (male) friends tell me that the advantage of a relationship is that you always have someone to talk to, make out with, have sex with. I tell them I can have those things outside a relationship. But to me, even those things aren't reward enough for a relationship. Making out and sex aren't my primary concerns in life. Sex is usually the last thing on my mind when I go about my day. (I explained this in another thread here called "Asexual" if you're bored enough to search and read it.)

Here's my last and final point. There's a reason I wrote all this, because it's led to a bigger problem! Most people's lives revolve around finding love, sex, and relationships. I can't relate to that viewpoint at all. This means I can't relate to 99 percent of the world's population. Fucking great. I don't want to hear about who you're going out with, who you want to fuck, who you made out with at the party last weekend. I don't give a flying fuck, but I have to listen to this inane dribble at least once a day from my friends. ARGGGGGH.

So now, there's this curiosity building up in me, building for a few weeks now. I want to try to have another relationship, not out of any need but out of pure curiosity. I want to experience and try to see what other people get out of sexual relationships, so I can empathize with them rathering than being irritated by them. The problem is, any relationship I try to start right now would be just acting on my part, because I'm not really interested in a relationship or interested in any particular girl for that matter. I have problems with picking some random girl who's attracted to me and leading her into a relationship just to fulfill my curiosity, because I wouldn't want to be used that way. Although, if she gets something out of it and she doesn't know she's being used, is it really that bad in the end? My reasoning goes like this: I think that once I'm involved with a girl, I'll actually start to feel something for her and the relationship would then be genuine, rectifying the disingenuous way I started things out. It's just a matter of forcing myself into the situation at first. Should I do this or what? Opinions please. :crazy:


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InvisibleCorporal Kielbasa
 User Gallery

Registered: 05/29/04
Posts: 17,029
Re: Rant: relationships [Re: ]
    #3304329 - 11/01/04 12:55 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Dude well if you found a woman that just knocks ya back when you look at her, thats what its all about. Relationships are there for you to feel good about. I had a girlfriend way back in the day and the parents and friends made it so embaresing, I never wanted to have a nother one. Its all about lightening up and realising lifes to short to be pissed or embaresed and to let things just go with the flow.

No one says you have to find a girl and marry or what ever. You are you and you can do what ever the fuck you want to. Just remember the older and "uglier" you get the less women there are that will see the light in you.

I dont play those silly games. I do what I want and because of that many of my relationships have suffered in one way or another. Its all about honesty. With them and your self. Sooner or later there will be a girl that just complements you in every way, like this missing peace of the puzzle.


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InvisibleArmFromTheAbyss
Old Hand

Registered: 10/09/02
Posts: 1,368
Loc: Down here in Babylon
Re: Rant: relationships [Re: ]
    #3305382 - 11/01/04 05:05 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Don't change becuase of the shit you hear your friends say. It may take a long time, and be quite a struggle, but if you remain true to yourself you will eventually be rewarded. And it will be way better and more meaningful than some hollow loveless relationship.

I suggest that you wait for a special girl to come along. It will be totally different than the fake relationships you see everyday.


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InvisibleDoctorJ
Stranger
 Arcade Champion: Frogger

Registered: 06/30/03
Posts: 8,451
Loc: space
Re: Rant: relationships [Re: ]
    #3305394 - 11/01/04 05:07 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

I envy you


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peace, pot, and microdot!


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Anonymous #1

Re: Rant: relationships [Re: DoctorJ]
    #3310516 - 11/02/04 07:09 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

I envy you

Why's that?

Thanks for your replies. One guy says to go for it, one guy says to wait it out. :wink: The thing is, I want to do this now while I'm still young and attractive, so I guess I'm gonna go for it. So I guess I answered my own question already, but I really needed to post that stuff and get it out of my head.


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InvisibleDoctorJ
Stranger
 Arcade Champion: Frogger

Registered: 06/30/03
Posts: 8,451
Loc: space
Re: Rant: relationships [Re: ]
    #3315222 - 11/03/04 03:41 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

well I guess you could say that all I really want is a dependable relationship, and all I find are non-commital flings and shit. It can be really frustrating. Every time I have sex outside of a serious relationship, it really just makes me feel like shit in the end. I wish I could love em and leave em, but apparently my emotional makeup isn't cut out for that lifestyle.

sometimes I wish I could be happy with one night stands because they are far more common than lasting relationships.


--------------------
peace, pot, and microdot!


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Anonymous #1

Re: Rant: relationships [Re: DoctorJ]
    #3316794 - 11/03/04 09:54 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Yeah I don't mind one night stands or meaningless sexual encounters simply because I don't like to get attached to people. I'm just an independent kind of guy and I always want as much freedom and space as possible to do my own thing whenever I want. And now this mindset is contradicting with my curiosity and thus desire for a relationship. It's a real mindfuck.


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