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InvisibleRandalFlagg
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Registered: 06/15/02
Posts: 15,608
Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5694958 - 05/31/06 01:33 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

Oh man. She is displaying all of the classic symptoms.

She doesn't want to lose the emotional support and intimacy that you give her, but she wants to carouse about and mess with other guys who seem to be more exciting. This girl WILL cheat on you. I guarantee you.

She will probably keep you around as a "fall-back" guy. She will run to you when she isn't getting along with one of her boy-toys. You, like a slavish Pavlovian dog, will comfort her. Five minutes later she'll be bored and on the hunt for new dick.


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Invisibleblacksabbathrulz
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Registered: 05/22/02
Posts: 2,511
Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5694972 - 05/31/06 01:39 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

It sounds to me like she is using you as a crutch. You should tell her to shape the fuck up, and if she doesn't, drop her like a ton of bricks.


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Invisibleblacksabbathrulz
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Registered: 05/22/02
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: blacksabbathrulz]
    #5694982 - 05/31/06 01:42 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

Man, I've totally been in your shoes. Your problem is you don't want to admit to yourself what is happening. This girl is using you, and you need to ditch her. I know in the above post I said you should tell her to shape up, but I think you should kick her to the curb. If you don't agree, you should at least make some demands, like she shouldn't go out drinking with guys, especially if the bitch isn't going to answer her phone and then turn it off. While she is out drinking she hasn't even taken the time to think or care that you have feelings to, and she is only gratifying herself.


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Offlinehybridphil
Student

Registered: 03/04/04
Posts: 323
Loc: Milky Way....they'll neve...
Last seen: 16 years, 1 month
Re: Relationship problems [Re: blacksabbathrulz]
    #5695251 - 05/31/06 03:06 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

I suppose we can stereotype girls and say she is showing symptoms of a typical girl...but we didn't have a typical relationship. Who am I kidding, you're right I just don't want to admit it, but I don't know to end it. I can't do it until my heart is completely broken and I've got nothing left in me. I don't want to keep letting her do this to me, but I'm too weak to do anything about it. And I have seen it. I have totally been her bitch for the last little while and she makes no effort for the relationship. Whenever we meet, it's me going to see her, never the other way around anymore. I don't understand how things have changed so quickly after we were totally in love for over a year spending every day together. I've seen girls do this before to guys. I'm sure it's happened but is it as typical for a guy to pull this on a girl? I could never do such a thing. If I say something, I mean it. I might be seeing her shortly, and I really want to do something about this, but I don't know how to approach her. As soon as she's going to be here, I'm just going to serve her and forget all my sadness until she leaves again. This is so hard...


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Psilocybin anonymous



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InvisibleRandalFlagg
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Registered: 06/15/02
Posts: 15,608
Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5695311 - 05/31/06 03:21 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

hybridphil said:
Who am I kidding, you're right I just don't want to admit it, but I don't know to end it.




...It's pretty easy to end it.  Just tell her you guys are through and that's it.

Quote:

hybridphil said:
I have totally been her bitch for the last little while and she makes no effort for the relationship. Whenever we meet, it's me going to see her, never the other way around anymore.




At least you admit it.

Quote:

hybridphil said:
I don't understand how things have changed so quickly after we were totally in love for over a year spending every day together.




Like a lot of people, she is selfish, fickle, and immature.  She is bored and she wants new dick.  :shrug:

Quote:

hybridphil said:
I've seen girls do this before to guys.




You know what you need to do.  Dump this bitch.  Relationships like this NEVER get better...they only get worse.  And, to top it off they always seem to drag out.  You will attempt to put your foot down and she will probably cry and pout.  You will give in and things will be back on.  Then she will start doing the same shit over again.

Everything I have said is the blatant truth and you know it.


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Offlinehybridphil
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Registered: 03/04/04
Posts: 323
Loc: Milky Way....they'll neve...
Last seen: 16 years, 1 month
Re: Relationship problems [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #5695594 - 05/31/06 04:30 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

You know, one side of me knows that, but I have spent nearly 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with her for the last year and I have learnt quite a lot about her. She just came by to have some lunch with me finishing work at one place and going to another and soon as she saw me, she apologized for what she has been putting me through this last week. I know she is going through a hard time, moving out and achieving her personal goals, but I think she sincerely feels bad for whats been happening and she admitted to neglecting me. She really seems to want me in her life. I asked her straight up yesterday if she had been cheating on me and she thought that i had more trust in her than that. My gut feeling told me that she wasnt, as we had always talked about how painful it is to be cheated on as we both went through that before but I just needed that peace of mind. I felt bad for even thinking such a thing. I think as long as she follows through with what she says, then she really does want this to work. Maybe Im just being stubborn, but I am going to give this some time for her to prove herself in this relationship. I am no longer going to do everything for her, and if she leaves me, then Ill know what she was in it for, if not, then we will come out stronger because of it.

Edit: I will keep you guys posted and thanks for your input!


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Psilocybin anonymous



Edited by hybridphil (05/31/06 04:31 PM)


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InvisibleOsker246
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Registered: 07/10/03
Posts: 1,479
Loc: Washington
Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5695811 - 05/31/06 05:21 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

damn...

Reading this reminds me of a soap opera or something. It was just starting to get good. :grin: J/k Bro.

But I really hope things between the both of ya work out. Your relationship will be even better than before if you can get through this.  I just wanna say good luck and just hang in there man.


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Offlinehybridphil
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Posts: 323
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: Osker246]
    #5695840 - 05/31/06 05:28 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

Thank you very much. I appreciate your support and I just want to be optimistic about things at the moment. If things turn for the worse, I'l l know what to do about this. I don't think it's come quite to the point yet where breaking up is the best thing for our relationship but it might turn out to be. Only time can tell.


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Psilocybin anonymous



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Invisibleblacksabbathrulz
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5695850 - 05/31/06 05:31 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

Hopefully for you, me and the others are wrong. In the end, it's up to you how far you want to carry this, and there is a possibility things will work out. Just please, for your own sake, don't let it drag on forever, as it will hurt you a lot, and you will end up hating this girl. I went through the same thing you did, and let it drag on forever, until I finally snapped, and realized I hated the girl for what she put me through.


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Offlinequillini
one meanmotorscooter
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Registered: 04/18/06
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Last seen: 1 year, 9 months
Re: Relationship problems [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #5696117 - 05/31/06 06:56 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

I disagree with RandalFlagg on some points. First off, breaking up might be simple in theory, but simplicity is not the issue. Ending a relationship is hard to do, especially if you are still in love and you don't have a Plan B. You can't ignore the emotional factor here. The heart can often be the mind's worst obstacle, second only to the penis. Especially when your heart and your penis are both in opposition to your mind, breaking up is a hell of a thing. Oversimplifying the situation doesn't help anything.

Secondly, it's not going to do you or anyone else any good to lower your opinion of this girl simply because she's growing up. Of course she's selfish, fickle, and immature. She's just turned 21, right? She's acting like every healthy 21 year old I've ever met acts. There's nothing wrong with being selfish, fickle, and immature at that age, before you have any responsibilities or whatnot. She hasn't really, in the grand scheme of things, done anything that horrible to you, and you're not the first guy in the world who's had these sorts of issues. If this situation didn't occur with this girl, it would have occurred with someone else. It's just part of life.

hybridphil, maybe there's something to your doubts as to whether breaking up at this point would be appropriate or not. Perhaps that might be too drastic. But one way or another, you need to take a break (even if temporary) from each other. You need to arrange for there to be days when you know she isn't going to call, and live these days for yourself. Find out what you're into, make your own friends, develop a life outside your relationship that satisfies you and gives you something to do with yourself. Pining over a girl is no way to spend a perfectly nice day. When you catch yourself doing that, take it as an indication that you're missing an opportunity to do something more productive. Ultimately this situation is not so much about her (she's an adult and can take care of herself) as it is about you.

There's nothing in the world wrong with a 21-year-old girl, with no children or pressing obligations, being a bit selfish.

And everyone knows girls, including this one, are suckers for selfish (read: independant) guys. Confidence begets power, and power is the greatest aphrodesiac.


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No; truth, being alive, was not halfway between anything. It was only to be found by continuous excursions into either realm, and though proportion is the final secret, to espouse it at the outset is to insure sterility.

Only connect...


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InvisibleRandalFlagg
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Registered: 06/15/02
Posts: 15,608
Re: Relationship problems [Re: quillini]
    #5696339 - 05/31/06 07:50 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

quillini said:
I disagree with RandalFlagg on some points. 





Blasphemy!

Quote:

quillini said:
First off, breaking up might be simple in theory, but simplicity is not the issue.  Ending a relationship is hard to do, especially if you are still in love and you don't have a Plan B. 




I never said that it was easy to do.  The necessary steps are easy to recognize but often hard to enact.

Quote:

quillini said:
Of course she's selfish, fickle, and immature.  She's just turned 21, right?  She's acting like every healthy 21 year old I've ever met acts.  There's nothing wrong with being selfish, fickle, and immature at that age, before you have any responsibilities or whatnot.

There's nothing in the world wrong with a 21-year-old girl, with no children or pressing obligations, being a bit selfish.





There is a problem if your selfishness breaks somebody elses heart.  If she hops on some other guy's dick and absolutely crushes hybridphil....how is that healthy?

Quote:

quillini said:
She hasn't really, in the grand scheme of things, done anything that horrible to you




She will.  I guarantee it.  Once women start to lose interest in a guy they rarely get it back.

Quote:

quillini said:
But one way or another, you need to take a break (even if temporary) from each other.  You need to arrange for there to be days when you know she isn't going to call, and live these days for yourself. 




If this relationship is to be salvaged (that is a very big if), then this is really the only way it can be done.  Take a break and reevaluate stuff.

Quote:

quillini said:
Find out what you're into, make your own friends, develop a life outside your relationship that satisfies you and gives you something to do with yourself. 




:thumbup:  Women like men who have lives and who are good at stuff.

Quote:

quillini said:
And everyone knows girls, including this one, are suckers for selfish (read: independant) guys.




Selfishness is not independence.  Independence is when a person can support themselves and they are assured of themselves.  Selfishness is when a person thinks only of themself;  often to the detriment of others.


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Offlinequillini
one meanmotorscooter
Male

Registered: 04/18/06
Posts: 255
Last seen: 1 year, 9 months
Re: Relationship problems [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #5696578 - 05/31/06 08:42 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

By being selfish I mean you should put yourself ahead of others, not that you should think only of yourself. Thinking only of yourself often works against you. Other people and their feelings etc. should be considered, but not at a disproportionate expense to yourself. At a certain point, if achieving something very important to you involves stepping on some toes, well, sometimes that's the price of happiness. I mean, if you're not looking after your own situation, who will? Ultimately you are the only person in the world who gives a shit whether or not you are where you want to be, and you are the only person you know you can (assuming free will of course) unconditionally rely on. Selfish is just a word with a lot of undeserved negative connotations.

I agree that the thought of this girl having sex with someone else can be painful, but when I said she hasn't done anything that horrible, that still applies even if she gets new dick, as it were. Sex causes all sorts of negative emotions, but keep in mind I said "in the grand scheme of things". Did she burn your house down? Kill your parents? Steal your life savings? Give you AIDS? No. Worst case scenario: she's fucking somebody else. That sucks, but it happens to almost everybody, and you will go through shit in life much much worse than this. Assuming the worst, her biggest crime IMO was leading somebody on and being dishonest.

How is it a problem when your selfishness breaks somebody else's heart? I just can't see it that way. Who's to say that that person didn't build up unrealistic expectations, and what is there to hold you to someone else's expectations? If you are unhappy in your situation you should get out of it and find something that makes you happy. Putting yourself through hell and living a lie just to avoid breaking someone's heart is stupid. Hearts get broken all the time; that's just the risk you take when you fall in love.


--------------------
No; truth, being alive, was not halfway between anything. It was only to be found by continuous excursions into either realm, and though proportion is the final secret, to espouse it at the outset is to insure sterility.

Only connect...


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Offlinehybridphil
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Registered: 03/04/04
Posts: 323
Loc: Milky Way....they'll neve...
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: quillini]
    #5697937 - 06/01/06 01:26 AM (17 years, 7 months ago)

I don't think every girl is the same but they are definitely always full of surprises. Your replies really made me think about what's best for me, and if my girlfriend still wants to be with me, I think that would be beneficial to her, giving her space that she needs.

Cheating unfortunately, is very common and trust is a very hard thing to get from somebody. When me and this girl first started dating, we talked about how painful and awful it is to cheat on somebody, and I think if she wanted to get with somebody else, then she would break the relationship off first.

What I need to do I think, is break down my expectations for the relationship, and that way, I can't get dissappointed, and if it works out, it'll be more than a mere fulfilled expectation.

I understand where she is coming from, that she feels "bound" in a way because of how our relationship was and it doesn't need to be that way. I think she can have her independence, and still continue the relationship. And if her freedom involves fucking other guys, then so be it. I'm not going to continue the relationship in that case, but your right quillini, there is a lot worse things that can happen. As much as I don't want our relationship to come to breaking up, if it happens, it's the risk I took in falling in love with her.

At this point in time, things have gotten a lil better. I don't think the case was that she lost interest in me, she's got a ton of other stuff to deal with at this moment in time. She got a new job downtown, she's working two jobs for a lil while, she's moving downtown propably in a couple weeks,she has a new best friend and between it all she wants to have fun. I can't be the center of attention to her all the time as I used to be. I can not only live with that, I can learn to appreciate my freedom in a commited relationship. The only other thing I can do is hope for the best and show her that I'm the best for her.


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Psilocybin anonymous



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InvisibleDirtMcgirt
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5698276 - 06/01/06 03:16 AM (17 years, 7 months ago)

Don't rationalize for her. That is what you are doing. She probably belives what she tells you, that is why you believe her. But her actions do not follow up her words. She is probably as confused as you about htis situation.

All other thing aside, she isn't fulfilling what you want from her. That is what a romantic relationship is for.


This is what I believe you need to do. Dump her. I assume you will never be with this girl again if that is the case. Good riddance. It sounds like YOU need time away from HER. Not the other way around. Also, SHE isn't worth YOUR time. Girlfriends, like boyfriends, are not supposed to compose their mate's social life. That's trouble.


For one, her friend is trying to hook her up with her brother. So her friend, her best friend, thinks your not a solid part of the picture. That comes from your girl. She probably is not gushing over you when you guys are apart. Or something else tells her friend that she wants/needs out. Her friend wouldn't have that this impression otherwise. This is a sign. Go with your gut.


So YOU need to get away from her. This is more relavent from your posts than the fact that it seems she isn't into this relationship anymore. Thats hard to tell from a message board. Don't think you can change this in a weekend. For your sake, dump her. MAybe you'll get back together but don't have any hopes in that direction. Tell yourself it is over and live that reality. It'll hurt but you will turn out the best in the end nad move on quicker.


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"And we, inhabitants of the great coral of the Cosmos, believe the atom (which still we cannot see) to be full matter, whereas, it too, like everything else, is but an embroidery of voids in the Void, and we give the name of being, dense and even eternal, to that dance of inconsistencies, that infinite extension that is identified with absolute Nothingness and that spins from its own non-being the illusion of everything."


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Offlinehybridphil
Student

Registered: 03/04/04
Posts: 323
Loc: Milky Way....they'll neve...
Last seen: 16 years, 1 month
Re: Relationship problems [Re: DirtMcgirt]
    #5699402 - 06/01/06 12:19 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

I don't think that's quite the case and I think I sort of have been jumping to conclusions pretty quickly. She talked to me, without me bringing anything up, that her best friend's brother wants to get with her. She told me that she said to him that she not only has a boyfriend she loves, but that you're my best friend's brother. I'd think it'd be weird to sleep with your best friend's sibling. I mean, I think that girls personal boundaries are less structured than guys, but I think there is some common morality in that.

I don't expect my girl to be gushing over me when she is away from me. I think relationships are only like that for the first couple months, and the inital excitement of it fades and love keeps things going.

Despite all your comments and suggestions of breaking up with her, I feel better than I have in a while about this. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate every one of your replies. But everybody makes mistakes and goes wrong sometimes, and maybe my girl has made the mistake of neglecting me for the last couple weeks. I can forgive her for that as she seems to be genuinely sorry and wants to make things better.

We talked about her moving downtown and a situation I have about where I'm going to live. She said that her moving downtown was supposed to be a girl's thing for her and her friend, but she said if I have nowhere to live, she wouldn't just leave me homeless and said that I could live with her. I wouldn't do that to her as that would show a lot of weakness on my part, but she offered and that shows me that she cares and does love me.

I know that something needs to change in this relationship, but I don't think that it necessarily has to be at the cost of us breaking up. It's not something that both her and I want. I need to change in prioritizing myself over her, not the other way around, and not out of selfishness. I believe this will be for the benefit of the relationship.

As much as it hurts to read some of the negative replies and consider them a possibility, I feel that in the case that things turn for the worse, because of those replies I won't be surprised. Only time will tell how things turn out...


--------------------
Psilocybin anonymous



Edited by hybridphil (06/01/06 03:39 PM)


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InvisibleWIZOLZ
Poor with Needs
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Registered: 03/20/06
Posts: 290
Loc: Monte Carlo
Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5701822 - 06/01/06 10:25 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

I missed alot of the story, so Im just going to rant like I know what the hell Im talking about...

...sounds like you've evened things out relitively with your girl, good job, shes open for you...how about her friend? She sounds like a bad influence...:)

Alot of keen intuitions here though, some a bit to severe...Dont let your differences keep you apart. I think most of the battle was just withen your own musing brain, though you did catch her fading somwhat, brought through talking with her and showing your interested still in the relationship, she realized you wernt just a sucker who gets offended by notions, but can express a sense of real trust, love whatever. Rise above, see the picture for what it could be, learn to understand her feelings, but I warn you, do not get caught falling into the same patterns of reacting to her mistakes. Dont bicker at eachother about irational problems, that can't be love. Realize what works best, hold on to her, dont let fear work against you in this.

Also, I dont see how not staying a couple nights around her place would make thing's worse? Or show your weakness, when I read this I thought the exact oppisite...Though, If you do stop by, bring cake or juice...Girls love cake and juice ...and small gifts like that. Just go into it with the right mentality, dont ever get them into trouble. Thats not cool of anyone (...Enough to fight over...)

How are you dealing with this story about her roomate's brother? I hope your not considering, anything to stupid...? Though, he will most likly be over there once an awhile...

Its amazing how smart some people are around here, impresses the hell out of me. Say it as it is, but dont quit out...Live it while it's around, then stay to clean up the mess...


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---------o----o----o-------o------------------------o--o-o-
----------------------------------------------------------------
Requim for a Dream - Paul Oakenfold
---------------------------------------------------------------
"The mis/abuse of any form of power, is the worst form of ignorance"
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WIZOLZ - Lover with a Killer's Smile


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Invisibleblacksabbathrulz
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Posts: 2,511
Re: Relationship problems [Re: WIZOLZ]
    #5702035 - 06/01/06 11:16 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

You should tell your gf, that you will be fucking pissed if she ever lets her best friends brother over, or if she goes out drinking with him.


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Offlinehybridphil
Student

Registered: 03/04/04
Posts: 323
Loc: Milky Way....they'll neve...
Last seen: 16 years, 1 month
Re: Relationship problems [Re: blacksabbathrulz]
    #5703424 - 06/02/06 09:58 AM (17 years, 7 months ago)

Things have been getting alright recently. I realize that I my curiousity and wondering is actually making things worse for the situation. I feel as if I have just peaked on mushrooms and am in that "overthinking" phase. Which in a certain context is psychologically beneficial, but mixed with pessimism over a relationship is psychologically painful. Fear is not helping one bit.

The next two days is going to be the longest we've been apart in around 15 months, not by choice, but by our conflicting work schedules. I'm sort of glad this happened, because if I had the choice, I know I would want to see her, and knowing I can't doesn't give me a choice. And I will definitely bring her some cake when I see her. I know she loves cheesecake...she's in for a surprise. I feel sometimes like I spoil her too much but I really can't help it.

I know that her roommate's brother is going to be there every once in a while, and that can't be helped, but what makes him any worse than any other guy she could invite over without me even knowing? Having a gorgeous girlfriend does have it's downfalls in a long-term relationship...I'm sure there's plenty guys that would want to get with her, but I can't fear that and I definitely wasn't considering doing anything stupid about her roommate's brother. It's not worth it and it wouldn't look good to my gf on my part. I don't think there is anything going on with them anyways. I can't stop every guy from trying to get with my gf, I can only trust her to not do something about it. I miss her already...





--------------------
Psilocybin anonymous



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InvisibleOsker246
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5704526 - 06/02/06 03:25 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

Glad to hear things are getting better for ya. Just enjoy every moment you can with her cause ya never know if its going to be your last. She's definitely a cutie though, good job :thumbup:.


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Offlinedoodoomaster
Life's still good
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Re: Relationship problems [Re: hybridphil]
    #5704957 - 06/02/06 06:08 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

Uhhh, why don't you get up and trying to sound like you are not whining and worried so much.


Arrange a date night or two or three and make plans. Be assertive, girls don't like lazy guys with stoner like quality's and don't do things with her. Only when you are married is when you settle and spend countless time with someone.

Don't you have any friends? Call them up, say come on over with some drinks and your girlfriends are welcome as well. Go out, experience life while you are young, meet people and other females too!!

There is no time for you to obsess about what she is doing all the time. Take that time and read a book if there is no where to go. You seem pretty smart and aware of your life, sometimes, more times than less you have to go with your intuition.

So go to a party or something there alike but like said before have a few nights a week that you and her dedicate to spending time together. In the mean time go do things. It may be hard to do at first but whenever you truly realize that life does go on instead of saying or much less typing it you will be much better.

So what are we doing....?
1.make plans to spend time with her
2.call some friends and make plans with them
3.keep yourself occupied: hobbies, reading, other people
4.stay up and don't pity yourself or her.

Like many people before me have said without sugarcoating...."She is looking for excitement through her friends(maybe) other MEN(probably the case) or from my personal experience her friends finding and introducing her to other men.(survey says....#1 answer)

So try getting some other grease traps heated up and if something doesnt work out with you and her and can try out your recently liberated thermometer.
If it meets the right temperature you can start frying chicken again.


--------------------
For all you passive aggressive types.  Fuck you, kind of.


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