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*note: whiney post below. I don't have any friends in real life who I could feel comfortable talking to about this besides my bf, and I don't want to talk to him about it because, well, he's my boyfriend. therefore, I turn to the shroomery boards, and whether anyone reads this or not is besides the point. I guess the simple act of posting it helps me feel like I'm not alone. Anyway, if you are bored, read on*
I still love Andrew (first love). That doesn't mean that I want to be with him the rest of my life. Or that I want us to be together again, in any way. I don't. Well, mostly I don't. At least right now and for the long-term, I want to be with Robert (second love, stronger, deeper, wonderful happy relationship). But if something happenned with Robert and I and Andrew and I got back together, after a while I think I would be fine. If Robert and I stayed together and Andrew and I never got back together, that would be fine too.
I think the problem is at least partially because I don't know how to express my feelings for Andrew. I want to stay with Robert. I don't want to leave him for Andrew. But it's so hard to NOT think of Andrew as a bf. (We've been broken up for over 2 years, WHY do I still feel this way?) I've fucking cloistered myself away for the past two+ years (including away from Andrew), with very limited social ineraction including class and work, and made scant social growth (because of depression and other problems). I was always sure that people would reject me on-sight, so I never tried to make friends. Now I don't know how. And I don't know if I know how to be appropriate in social situations. I guess I could sit here and make more excuses, but you get the idea...
I never got to just be friends with Andrew. He would have made a good one. He is a good one. I just can't ever call on him or be around him very much, because we are still attracted to each other, and because the temptation to mess around is still there. At the least, the sexual tension is really, really annoying. I don't want to ruin Robert's and mine relationship over that, or over Andrew at all.
I just wish that I could care for Andrew without automatically taking on a jealous emotional disposition, or a sexual one. My heart still skips when I think of him being with someone besides me, and yes, at the thought of us, together, too. I still feel the attraction when we are around each other - maybe moreso from my end, but it's still mutual. I want to be his friend, but can't. Being friends with him, besides the sexual tension, I'm afraid would drive me crazy, and make me feel really guilty, because I would be thinking of Andrew the way I used to, and as a friend that I have to refrain from having sex with, or from letting myself fall for. I want us to be really good friends, not fuck buddies. There are so many idiots that we can waste our time on in this world, and probably a lot less people who are actually worthwhile people who make great friends. Andrew is one of the good ones, and I don't know how to be just friends. It's fucking frustrating as fuck.
I have a feeling that many of you know what I'm talking about, I think that experiences like these are probably common. I'm lucky/blessed, I know, that I have great people in my life. But coming to terms with my feelings, and their feelings, and what I want in my life and other people, is stressful. (haha, obvious, no?)
thanks for reading if anyone made it through that. I just needed a place to vent, and shroomery forums were already open...you get the picture. If you want to reply, I guess I could use advice on how to see my ex as a friend, and not as a lost love that I could someday get back together with, or have sex with. Btw, I'm a 22 year old guy, for a frame of reference.
-------------------- There are things known, and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors - Morrison
Just decide that you will never again get back together with him, or have any kind of sexual relationship.
I know it may seem like a too-simple solution...but I think it's one of the best. As long as you think "well maybe one day..." you will want it to happen and wait for it to happen. If you make up your mind that you WILL NEVER let it happen, it's a lot easier to stop wanting it to happen.
Hope this helps
The story book's been read
And every line believed
Curriculum's been set
Logic is a threat
Reason searched and seized
Thats only if she never wants it to happen. Dont fill your love life with politics, and stop thinking. Follow your heart, and your heart only. However.... Take into account he was your first love, and you will always love your first love, no matter what.
In other words: I dont know ;]
-------------------- "Time is the substance from which I am made. Time is a river which carries me along, but I am the river; it is a tiger that devours me, but I am the tiger; it is a fire that consumes me, but I am the fire." Jorge Luis Borges