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OfflinePedM
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My parents.
    #2795291 - 06/15/04 03:44 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

In much distress, I figured posting here couldn't hurt.

I live with my parents. At this stage, there's not much I can do about that. I'm working toward the level of education and employability which will earn me the kind of job that can pay the bills in the real world, but I'm not there yet. I'm ten months and two student loans away, in fact. In all honesty, I don't think I can last that long.

My mother is about as tense as they come. She is filled with a constant anxiety. She isn't able to make decisions because she has to consider the ramifications of each alternative. She is the type of mother who must have control over everything. Recently, I've started to realize that she raised in me such a way that caused me to grow up believing that I should be dependent on her always, and that I'm not strong enough, or worth enough unto myself, to do anything other than what she says I should do. Alot of the things in my life which crippled me through three jobs, through highschool and so forth, came from her. That which poisoned my ambition, made me feel as though I do not have the capacity to accomplish anything on my own, came from her. Now, I recognize that I am responsible for changing these things in myself, and that is something I am working on. However, realizing how she's crippled her own son because of her unwillingness to address her own fears has generated in me a feeling of contempt that I have trouble ignoring.

Many years ago, she became a born again Christian. This was something that she dove into with both feet, with me chained to her wrist. Assuming that it was the right thing to do, when I was 7 years old or so I also became a born again Christian, and submitted myself to the abusive Christian education system. Those were years of torment I'd rather not discuss. Anyhow, when she became a Christian, she really went downhill as a person. It was almost as though accepting Jesus into her heart not only absolved her of her sin, but also absolved her of responsiblity for working toward being a better person. Her personal ethics took a backseat to an objectified, outdated, and irrational morality imposed upon her and myself by a traditional church. All of this alienated my father, who at the time greatly enjoyed smoking hash and listening to The Eagles.

His feelings of alienation manifested violently. His teenage drinking problem was reborn in him, and that took it's toll on both me and my mother in some very scary ways. Eventually, the stress and mania of the situation pulled my mother away from the church. Some incidents within the church as well disillusioned her from her beliefs.

And so things continued on a "lets-pretend to be a happy family" tangent for a number of years. During that time I got into drugs and all kinds of other destructive behaviour. No one wanted to talk about it, though, because no one wanted to embarass themselves. To make a long story short, in the last year my dad packed up all his Eagle's records, threw away his charred butter knives, and joined my mother at one of those flakey churches where people convulse on the floor and speak gibberish at eachother. Since then, both of them have become further entangled in Christianity, completely alienating their son. Here are some examples:

"My life with Jesus is a meaningful one. But don't know if I'll be completely fulfilled until I see you kneel before him too." -- My mother, to me.

"I wish I could have been there for you when you were growing up. I feel like I've failed as a father. But if I could lead you to Jesus and show you that he is the one true Lord, that would undo all those mistakes." -- My father, to me.

When I started practicing Buddhism, my parents would wait until I started meditating to turn up the Christian music as loud as it went. (They knew I was at my coushin when they smelled the incense). On one occasion, they had a bunch of their Christian friends over to have a prayer circle, during which they loudly and vocally prayed against my "false religion" and the "demons" it brings into their home. I overheard all of it, as was no doubt the intention. As if this wasn't bad enough, my girlfriend had to listen to it too. I am no longer allowed to practice Buddhism in this home. When I did not respond to their pressure, I was told outright that if I didn't rid the house of Buddhist imagery and literature, I would be kicked out. Now I am in a situation where I have to hide religious books as though they were bags of cocaine.

There are many more horrifying examples like these, but I won't list them all. In my opinion, if I were any younger, this would be a kind of psychological abuse. Regardless, all of this has made me feel alienated, as though I'm not worth enough to them as their son unless I'm also a Christian. I feel like my parents have left me behind, and are no longer interested in me for who I am.

What makes it worse is that they are complete and total hypocrites who have demonstrated absolutely no interest in actually following the example of Christ. It is so plainly clear to any rational person that this whole Christianity gig is about laziness, and about escaping their qualms with their own personalities instead of addressing them.

I feel like I'm going to go nuts. My girlfriend has made mention of leaving me because of the strain my parents are placing on our relationship (she lives in the basement with me). My parents fill my life with their own anxiety. They don't let me get away from it. They don't let me brush off their constant religious bombardment. They don't want to allow me to be my own person. Being my own person is something which has become increasingly difficult in this home. And I can't leave. My girlfriend and I yet have no means of supporting ourselves outside of this home. Did I mention they keep trying to convert her, too? They keep asking her to come to church with them. When my girlfriend finished school, they got her a graduation card that said "God has many plans for your life." I just want to scream. This is way out of my league, and not something I can handle.

I can't even fucking think straight right now. I'm not used to feeling this way.

I'm 21 years old.


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InvisibleMOTH
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Re: My parents. [Re: Ped]
    #2795545 - 06/15/04 05:14 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

Hi Ped,

First off, I'm so sorry that your parents are giving you such a hard time. I can emphasize completely, as my parents are fanatics of the Christian religion as well, making my relationship with them difficult. They've been this way my entire life, intent on making me one of them, and it wasn't until I moved away that I realized what they had done to me. I am still scarred by the depth of their fanaticism, still trying to shake the brainwashing from my mind. What your parents are doing to you and your girlfriend sounds scarily familiar. I won't go into what my parents did and still do to me, but lets just say that I understand entirely where you are coming from.

Although you said that you and your girlfriend are not ready to move out, I think you should seriously consider doing it. Your parents fanatic beliefs are poisoning your relationship with them, dampening your own spirit, and that of your girlfriend. If you stay with them, it will only be a matter of time before someone will combust. To save your relationships, I suggest finding another place to live ASAP. You can't trust your parents to ease up, or improve their attitudes, so you will have to take matters into your own hands. Find roommates, get a job, *anything*, but I do ask that you at least consider finding a method to move away from that oppressive atmosphere. You can do it if you make an effort to...it may not be easy, but it may be well worth it.

Anyway, the best of luck...

truly

*me*
-The daughter of two Southern Baptist Maniacs


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OfflineDreamer987
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Re: My parents. [Re: Ped]
    #2795914 - 06/15/04 07:14 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

your 21. Get out of the house. You say you don't have the means, but you can make it happen. Get a jizob, make your girl get a job. get a crappy little apartment.
And right before you leave, tell your parents exactly how you feel about them.
You'll never feel free'er in your life.


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OfflinePedM
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Re: My parents. [Re: Dreamer987]
    #2796087 - 06/15/04 08:34 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

It is not fesible. It's just that simple. I can't work full time while in school full time, not if I want to have success with either. My girlfriend just finished school and has a job; she works like a dog at it too. We don't make enough money to pay for our current situation as it is. Between car insurance, rent, food, and other variable expenses like utilities, gasoline, car repairs, course fees, vet fees, and so on and so forth, our expenses already far outweigh our income. We have to struggle to make ends meet as it is, and between the two of us we only pay $350 per month in rent. There is no apartment in town which can be rented for less than $1000. I live in Calgary, Canada's fastest growing and most expensive city. In Calgary, much of the homeless population is employed full time.

That's why I'm in school. Because I need to make more than minimum wage if I want to be realistic about supporting myself.


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:poison: Dark Triangles - New Psychedelic Techno Single - Listen on Soundcloud :poison:
Gyroscope full album available SoundCloud or MySpace


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InvisibleMOTH
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Re: My parents. [Re: Ped]
    #2796150 - 06/15/04 08:59 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

How much education do you have left to do?  Is there any public transportation system in Calgary that you could take instead of taking your car? (which seems to be eating up alot of your expenses...) 

Forget about apartments, sometimes you can rent a room or space from someone.  Maybe you could try putting out an ad in the newspaper stating that you're looking for a room to rent?  I think it's worth a shot!  What can you lose by giving it a try?  :smile:

*me*


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InvisibleSkorpivoMusterion
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Re: My parents. [Re: Ped]
    #2796202 - 06/15/04 09:20 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

Religion is the Opium of the Masses

Ped, the perspective from which my following predications are based on revolves around the primary issue of your parent's lack of internal security and internal coherency. It seems that these two egregious deficiencies in your parental unit's psyche have led them to succumb into the wrath of the addiction of psychogenic-euphoria deriving from neurosis in the disguise of religious fanaticism.

This is discernibly supported by the very fact that your father had eliminated his hash-addiction/habit in one day, and instead of resolving the intrinsic-roots of the issues that led him to such counter-productive and destructive behaviors, simply joined your mother in using another outlet for releasing the negative energy which builds from lack of personal growth and self-awareness, through religious antics and various other dogmatic behaviors, beliefs, et cetera. Neurosis as a failure of personal growth.

Religion is, unfortunately, one of many sheaths for the blade of this mental disorder, as well as various drugs and chemicals and so forth. Your parents are essentially, not entirely different from those who suffer from narcotic-addiction due to internal issues. Weak minded people will take the easiest and often detrimental routes to dealing with their problems, i.e., drugs, lies, superstitions, and various other tools of the weak-minded. So the clarification of this insight may help you to realize that bearing this in mind, is important to keep you within a safe psychological distance so as to not get too close to be hurt.. Much like a professional psychiatrist will not allow themselves to become too intimate or 'close' to their patients, otherwise repercussions ranging from the minor to the career-threatening magnitude can occur.

You will make it, Ped. Practice meditation with deep breathing, and project yourself on the seashore or in the mountains...

Best wishes...  :heart:



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Coffee should be black as hell, strong as death, and sweet as love.


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OfflinePedM
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Re: My parents. [Re: MOTH]
    #2797080 - 06/16/04 12:43 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

>> Forget about apartments, sometimes you can rent a room or space from someone. Maybe you could try putting out an ad in the newspaper stating that you're looking for a room to rent? I think it's worth a shot! What can you lose by giving it a try?

Well, for my girlfriend and I that's a matter of privacy.  While things are frustrating and stressful here, we do enjoy that we have some amount of privacy.  Though, the frustration and stress is increasing for both of us.  What we need to do is be aware of what issue is beginning to outweigh the other, and be prepared to make the appropriate trade off.


Thank you for your words, Skoprvio.  Sometimes a little insight is very helpful. :smile:


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:poison: Dark Triangles - New Psychedelic Techno Single - Listen on Soundcloud :poison:
Gyroscope full album available SoundCloud or MySpace


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OfflineCleverName
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Registered: 08/26/02
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Re: My parents. [Re: Ped]
    #2797190 - 06/16/04 01:13 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

i moved back in with my parents after yearsof being on my own. im 22. their christian. they know im not a christian. they always tell me that they pray for me. we have discussions about religion, sometimes arguments. my parents realize they cant control my beliefs, although they tell me that they wish i would believe in christ.

i dont get angry or fustrated with them. they do their nagging with good intentions. you need to live at home so you can finish school. think of them as buddhas that are here to teach you a custom lesson. whatever is bothering you can be a lesson for you. your ego reacts to their actions with frustration and worry and anxiety, etc. take these as lessons and learn tolerance and patience, etc.

when they ruffle your ego, make you frustrated or whatever, calmly tell them how you feel. tell them what they say that bothers you. them thank them for the lesson. give them a hug, they could probably use it.

remember, light dispells darkness. try to realize when you feel negative emotions. realize that these emotions are just your ego. remember all the good your parents have done for you, and how much they really love you. they're just human too. rememeber, everyone in this life pursues happiness, and all dislike suffering. love your parents, love them more when they make you upset.

try having discussions with them about your spirituality and why you believe what you do. tell them you love them. show them by example how to live harmoniously.

when i start to feel frustrated with my parents, the first thing i do is to try to become aware of my feelings. once im aware of the feelings i can seperate myself from them. then i can think clearly.

you need to stay at home because it cheap to live there. you need to finish school, then get your own place. i guarantee that when you and your girl eventually move to your own place, you will start to live your own life and foret about your parents worries and anxieties.

just try to to lovingly communicate with your parents. they love you and think they are saving your soul. just love them back, you will be happier for it too.
remember, they are buddhas sent here to teach you your own personal lessons(whatever bothers you is ego) and so you should think of it as an opportunity to exercise your beliefs and lead by example.

you can do it


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if you can't find the truth right where you are, where else do you expect to find it?

this is the purpose


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Invisiblesir tripsalot
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Re: My parents. [Re: Ped]
    #2797936 - 06/16/04 05:39 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

You are paying food, rent and utilities. Your parents are financially treating you like a tenant, why aren't they giving you the perks of being a tenant? Are you in a suite downstairs? I don't get how somebody you are shelling cash over to live there is still able to show their face whenever they feel to bug you. Are they constantly reminding you that they are doing you a favour with the low rent?


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"Little racoons and old possums 'n' stuff all live up in here. They've got to have a little place to sit." Bob Ross.


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InvisibleKrishna
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Re: My parents. [Re: Ped]
    #2798020 - 06/16/04 07:20 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

Hmm... I've got no easy advice for you...

but I can say that I love your signature!

:smile:


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OfflinePedM
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Re: My parents. [Re: CleverName]
    #2798518 - 06/16/04 11:52 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

CleverName, thank you.  I've taken your advice to heart.

Sir tripsalot,  it wasn't long ago that utils, food, and so forth were provided under the $350 / month rent.  My parents have come into money issues, though, which have forced me to begin paying for absolutely everything that I use.  The prior arrangement remained, though, and that was one which allowed anyone to stroll around down here any time they please.  Since my girlfriend moved in, though, that's something that doesn't happen so much anymore.

Krishna, thanks :smile:.  Though I must say, Hindu art is quite capitivating as well.  The paint they use has this tone to it that is highly reminiscent of psychedelia.


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:poison: Dark Triangles - New Psychedelic Techno Single - Listen on Soundcloud :poison:
Gyroscope full album available SoundCloud or MySpace


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Offlinepattern
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Re: My parents. [Re: Ped]
    #2799824 - 06/16/04 06:15 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

I feel your pain, living with parents when you are getting older is not only frustrating, but humiliating in our culture.

I think a good question you can ask yourself, is:

What is more important to you, religion or family?

You might ask your parents that too.


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man = monkey + mushroom


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InvisibleZero7a1
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Re: My parents. [Re: Ped]
    #2803369 - 06/17/04 08:40 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

Ped, I would have never guessed your parents to be that way. But i do remember that one time in the IRC chat when you mentioned the situation.

To me it seems your parents are simply trading off one set of "erroneuos solutions" for another. While your dad used to smoke hash, he now uses this new found religion to compensate for his problems.

Your mother finds the church and dogmatic belief systems comforting, controlling, guiding her life in the direction in which those above her have. Those of the church leaders who personify strength your mother holds on to.

CleverName points out a good point, that being calm, realizing the situation when the upset you will teach you a lesson.

BUt if you wish to help your parents i think, and your situation, it may be good to stick up for yourself. If you let your parents constantly rule your emotions and you try to quail the pain, it will only make the problems worse.

Maybe telling your parents how you feel about alienating you might get them to listen to you. Tell them that no matter how much they believe in jesus christ, it wont change who you are. Regardless of what they believe, they should still respect you enough to let you believe what you wish.

Your parents have a disorder, they behave in the many ways drug addicts and alcoholics do. My aunt has simillar problems, my dad was an alcoholic.

I really think you need to stand up for yourself, the hard part will be keeping yourself from getting angry... I know i would.

Maybe if you can show strength in yourself, while projecting clarity and reason, you may get them to listen to you. IF you can show them the pain they have caused you, you may be able to open up their wounds. Thats the only time you will really be able to talk to them. Otherwise they are just going to keep listening to that voice in their head telling them that "having faith in jesus" is going to solve everything.

There may be nothing you can do as far as they are concerned. Best wishes to you, your girlfriend, and your family.


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What?


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Offlinef8L
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Re: My parents. [Re: Ped]
    #2812583 - 06/21/04 01:12 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

Sometimes we must take what life gives us, and try not to live in hate, but accept things in our life that are hardships. It sounds like you have two loving parents who want the best for you, but don't know how communicate their love except through their faith. Parents don't always know what's best, but it sounds like they are trying -- I hope you will take a step back from your situation and see how fortunate you really are.


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Invisibletak
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Re: My parents. [Re: Ped]
    #2828122 - 06/25/04 02:56 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

Parents are just people like everyone else. Gotta learn to deal with them while you live in thier house. This may even mean playing by thier rules. At least you are being real about the future, most people find out that you need a skill the hard way. I wish you luck my friend. I know its hard at times, and you wanna stab someone in the neck, but instead you post on the internet. At least you arn't in jail for stabbing someone.


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The DJ's took pills to stay awake and play for seven days.


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OfflineBarbi
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Re: My parents. [Re: Ped]
    #2828207 - 06/25/04 03:29 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

Ped, you are and always will be my favorite nuttynuthead.

I'm not going to comment on your situation as I dont think you really want my opinion on it.

However, I will say the following:

I wish you luck in your life and hope you fix your situation and achieve happiness soon.

and

<3

--freezzzyyyyylicious.


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OfflineCaden
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Re: My parents. [Re: Ped]
    #2837893 - 06/29/04 12:22 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

My opinion on your situation is for you and your girl to get out of that house. My mother is a christian and I well am not. She hates me yes but not for my religion. It is imposible (me thinks to self: or is it improbable?) but Yea for two religions to stay under the same roof... why do you think theres different places to practices ones religion? If I were you I'd look at all the possibilities

A.Get a job * move out into an apartment.
B.Both you AND your g/f get a job * move out into an apartment.
C.Both get a job * put an add in the paper to look for possible peoplez to get an apartment with you and your girl to help with any expences.

*make sure job is stable before going any further.

your still furthering your education, good for you! I meant that as a compliment. you can still be a full-time student and a PART-time worker. Is your girlfriend a full-time worker? maybe she could look for a higher paying job if she already works. there are other posibilities than the three I listed but hey its a start right?
Well yea thats about it. Best Wishes!

:heartpump:Caden


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We the Unwilling, Led by the Unknowing, Are doing the Impossible, For the Ungreatful, We have done so Much, For so Long, With so Little, We are now qualified to do ANYTHING wiht NOTHING!


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OfflinePedM
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Re: My parents. [Re: Caden]
    #2845142 - 06/30/04 10:50 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

Well, the issue of my employment and schooling is more complex than I make it seem.  At this stage, with the situation continuing it's steady decline, I'm thinking that my girlfriend and I will seek roomates and rent a duplex with some folks.  I'd much rather the headache of messy roomates than the worsening hysteria coming from my parents at this point.

The thing is, as far as I know I'm not doing anything to exacerbate this situation.  For the most part, I just try to avoid any and all direct contact with them (especially my mother).  It seems, though, that the more movement I make toward thinking/breathing/living independently, the tighter and tighter this invisible grip seems to form around my neck.  It comes up in all sorts of ways, but the threats to cancel my car insurance are probably the worst.

This is the deal.  For a 21 year old male to own his own car in the province of Alberta, he must have a minimum income of $48,000 per year.  This isn't a law or anything, just a reality.  The last time I explored insurance rates, CAA (Canadian Automobile Association) quoted me a minimum of $600 per month to insure myself as primary driver on a 1991 Pontiac Grand Am.  That affords me liability coverage only -- no collision, theft, fire, hail damage, nothing of the sort.  The car itself is worth maybe $300.  Because it is almost impossible for me to afford that kind of insurance premium on top of other expenses even when working full time, it's totally unrealistic to hope in a million years that it could be afforded on a part time salary during school.  Because that is true, I'm under my parents "umbrella policy", a policy which offers me a substantial discount because my parents have been paying customers for twenty five years.  Even under this policy, insuring my car costs $216 per month -- barely, just barely affordable.  Should something go wrong with my car (inevitably soon), I will be back to taking the bus and Calgary's Transit system is perhaps worse than deplorable.  What's worse is that being under the umbrella policy gives my parents the power to revoke my driving priveledges at any time.  It was with much headache, yelling, and persistence that I finally convinced them to allow me on the policy to begin with.  They will take any excuse they can find to knock me off.

And so being under my parents' insurance policy is not different from them having a crowbar jammed between the slats of a crate stencilled with the words "Ped's independence."  With each step I take forward, there comes this prying sensation that is their utter hysteria at the prospect of me falling out of their idealized (and in my opinion radically outdated) morality structure.  It's this structure which I feel as though I've been trapped in, unbeknownst to myself, for the past 20 years.  I was raised to be conservative, hard-nosed, and intolerant (just like mndfreeze! :wink:), and at the same time I was raised to be dependent, spineless, and without the ability to accomplish things for myself, by myself.

To back up some of these statements, I'll give a brief history:  When I turned 16, I had to take myself to the registry to get my learners permit.  There was no support from my parents.  My repeated requests for driving instruction in the subsequent YEARS were denied.  Excuses were given like "The car is too new for a young driver.  It's too large a vehicle for a young driver."  And so on and so forth.  There was no support from my parents to help me get my license.  I had to resort to taking occasional lessons from my highschool friends, who'd already learned how to drive with the aid of their families, finally getting my license at age 20.  In just the same way, I'm receiving no support, financial or otherwise, as I make moves toward completeing post-secondary education and getting myself a decent paying job.  In fact, I'm receiving the opposite:  words that undermine my confidence, words that encourage me not to try for fear of failure.  Things like this have being going on for years and years.  And all of it is perfectly epitomized by the loud Christian lyrics which bleed into my basement suite, saying "I trust in you first, Lord, in you I trust before myself."

The fact that I'm finally beginning to realize that I in fact am my own individual, with as much potential as anybody else to make something meaningful of his life, seems to be unacceptable offensive to my parents, my mother especially.  It's a mood that increases in direct proportion to the steps I make in the world.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but:  isn't it the job of the parents to help their child as he/she ventures onward in life?


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:poison: Dark Triangles - New Psychedelic Techno Single - Listen on Soundcloud :poison:
Gyroscope full album available SoundCloud or MySpace


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OfflineCaden
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Registered: 06/28/04
Posts: 25
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Last seen: 12 years, 2 months
Re: My parents. [Re: Ped]
    #2845590 - 07/01/04 01:39 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

it isnt thier job to help thier child... its just whats expected but yea you have a good head on your shoulders youll do the right thing... I believe in you :smile:

:heartpump:Caden


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We the Unwilling, Led by the Unknowing, Are doing the Impossible, For the Ungreatful, We have done so Much, For so Long, With so Little, We are now qualified to do ANYTHING wiht NOTHING!


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Offlinel0st
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Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 32
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
Re: My parents. [Re: Ped]
    #2845928 - 07/01/04 03:32 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

CleverName that was an awesome post, it almost made me cry.

i wish i had taken that approach at my family all these years instead of lashing back verbally.


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