...an edited part of my History:
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I'm from the "hippie"-generation and went through this shit starting in 1966
...We will leave out the year 1966-67 when I practically never came down from either LSD, pot, or hash...which was followed by some relatively "normal" times, and take up in the '70s...
...It took me a long time to get it thru my head, that the severe emotional pain and awkwardness wasn't worth the slim chance of a grass high, or being "one of the gang".
...If my Zen teacher hadn't told me one day, in the 70s out of the blue to stop. I might have foolishly tortured myself, a lot more, for many more years, off and on, trying to overcome what I perceived as a weakness in myself, by joining in a smoke when one was available.
...However by the time I stopped I was subject to very occasional random bouts of feeling as if people were talking about me, in negative disparaging ways, even when not high.
...Eventually I didn't smoke anymore, but was still occasionally subject to these feelings. They were accompanied by a contracting cringing powerless feeling.
...this finally became so painful I sought therapy. The first therapist was scared when I used the word "paranoid" and refereed me to another therapist.
...He wasn't scared, related to me as a person, and started me on the road to expressing feelings via some Gestalt techniques.
...It was not an instant cure. I felt if I stuck with him for years it would gradually help me change in many ways, but it was very expensive.
...At one point, I took the step of actually asking people if they were talking about me in veiled ways. Was that ever difficult. That going against the flow.
But I had taken a stand--I was no longer a passive victim of unspoken feelings.
Over the years I did various therapies and meditation and time passed and the incidents decreased.
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One time I was in a car with a couple and we were all going to go out for breakfast, and they started discussing / arguing about what restaurant to go to. And I felt they were making fun of me in an indirect way, for not being a participant--for not being a responsible grownup and contributing. I decided not to be a victim and asked them if they were making fun of me. Of course they weren't.
Some years later they got divorced, and then I wondered if my subconscious wasn't picking up on something deeper than they were aware of, ie. their own pain.
And eventually I put two and two together and remembered about how horrible it was for me and my sister to go out to eat for dinner with our parents when we were little and they played head games about where to eat. My father was a overly intellectual narcissist and my mother a passive-aggressive depressed type. So the unresolved childhood pain was triggered, by a parallel present time event.
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not a unique problem
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Generally "the counterculture" equates Pot smoking with coolness.
...However many recent posts here seem to validate that marijuana use over a period of time becomes, for a measurable percentage of users, a cause of social anxiety. Or a contributing or magnifying factor.
...( I suspect previous levels of social "adjustment", "self esteem", happiness, and sexual satisfaction all modify the effect ganja has on the individual.
...Since many people begin pot use at a young age when they are naturally still dealing with solving these complicated social and identity issues, they are naturally vulnerable to a drug (actually a mixture) which plays games with heads.
...Also those who are drawn to rebel are almost by definition not socially "adjusted".)
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scientific research
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"Cannabis use has been assessed by several studies to be correlated with the development of anxiety, psychosis and depression,[66][67]"
from wikipedia, see link for context and references:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marajuana#cite_note-67
=======================
personal opinion
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...It seems to me that unless, we have had the blessing of a meditation teacher, some therapy, artistic expression, or at least some psychology study, we are unprepared to process the stored pains of childhood. It would seem both pot and marriage ( a situation which parallels childhood, except the roles have been switched) have the potential to open Pandora's box of traumas.
...So many find themselves, in adult life, in the USA, divorced, or in some form of 12 step program, wondering how they got there.
...IMO especially Capitalist, but also Communist & in general "civilized" society does not provide a structure for individuals to harmonize their feelings, the way tribal dances for example probably do. ---skip items below in parentheses for flow if you like -----
...(Our Western educational system is outward success oriented...etc., and the main religions: Judaism and Christianity steeped in morality, guilt and emotional repression. Although I suppose, very loosely speaking, the southern warmer Italians, and Brazilians etc. inspite of being Christian are better off in this department, than the norther English and Scandinavians. So climate may be a factor in emotional health as well--I don't know.)
...( However whatever society and our past may have done to us, we find ourselves conscious in the present, with choices. Probably many of those who experiment with marijuana and stronger psychedelics are disaffected with society. Through the use of psychedelic sacraments we see more clearly what is wrong with the world, and are excited by our possibilities. However with passing time pot becomes the drug of choice because it is more manageable than acid or shrooms. Because it is more manageable, available, and others are doing it one may use it more and more. Unfortunately for many it is Basically a Passive Experience. So what was once a gift in moderation ( when treated as a sacrament), eventually (when taken for granted) becomes so to speak a "parasite" of ones initiative, accomplishment, and so on...
(sort of like: all desserts and no main course?)
However...we, like it or not, find ourselves conscious in the present, with choices, and the ability to changes, make use of gifts and accept the possibilities of actually manifesting ...)
...The best many can do is go to a sporting event where yelling and shouting is socially acceptable, without having a clue that they are most likely venting some of the pressure of their repressed feelings and pain.---Not quite what the media, advertisers, and business want us to believe...and last but not least, and not complete without mention,: why is there always another generation ready to go to war, anywhere and every where Throughout All of Human History? Obviously the "Governments Think" and the Weapons Makers think that it benefits Them--but why do the young men go? Could repressed childhood rage possibly have anything to do with this? Probably harder to answer this question than to stop smoking and find some really interesting challenges and creative activities and ways to participate...but who knows?
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