What do you plan to do when Santa proclaims himself God?

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MarkostheGnostic
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Registered: 12/09/99
Posts: 14,279
Loc: South Florida

Last seen: 5 years, 7 months

What do you plan to do when Santa proclaims himself God?

#6744553 - 04/03/07 11:18 PM (19 years, 5 months ago)

If it comes to pass that Santa proclaims himself God from his throne in the North Pole, the planet will never be the same again. Having taken Superman's Fortress of Solitude by deceiving the Man of Steel into leaving Earth with a North Pole via California-made movable doll designed to impersonate Lois Lane, they landed on a planet with a red sun thereby stripping the hero of his super powers. The deceitful Claus had tricked the Man of Steel with a gift of cool polarizing shades which fooled him into landing on such a world, hence his long absence. Adios Clark.

A reign of reindeer is in store for us. Yes, dear friends, we'll be forced into taking an infernal sacrament of Amanita-laden reindeer urine by Santa's pituitary-challenged pointy-eared demonic henchmen, the elves. Once thought to be only transdimensional DMT-invoked beings, these spritely wipper-snappers will descend on the northern, then the southern hemispheres in legions of flying horned reindeer sleds, leaving rainbow trails meant to thrill and organize the organ-loving throngs of rainbow-flag-flying inverts into armies of Santa's collaborating sacramental ministers. They will seed the Earth with Amanita spores and raise up the wicked white warty bulbous based mushrooms which are intended to force the nations of the world to become, if not Gay, then Happy - deliriously Happy.

Why, the Amanita Muscaria mushroom is verily the body of this god Santa. The red and white colors, the white bulb that springs from the earth like the white pom-pom on Santa's own conical cap. The 'shroom, springing up in fairy-circles around evergreen trees is part of this demonic conspiracy. The trees themselves, becoming hewn down and sacrificed on December 25th, the birthdays of Attis, Mithras, Dionysius and Jesus, and the return of the Sun. Then, glass orbs reminiscent of the Santa pom-pom-primordial Amanita are hung on the phallic-fetish-trees whoose roots nourish and give rise to the body of the god Santa, the roots of which are like neural connections whose field effect engenders the mushroomic mucarinic consciousness of Santa Claus.

I envision him even now, coming on clouds of reindeer breath from the upper tropisphere where the air is thin, rarified, ionized, auroric and with those rainbow trails. An awesome site and a true menace, my brothers and sisters, to the comparatively insipid colors of Walgreen Ishtar, uh, Easter ribbons on baskets of Chinese-made pastel colored jelly beans, yellow marshmellow chicks and poorly made chocolate bunnies with those solid sugar psychotic eyes! How then shall the children of the so-called Christian world keep their young eyes glued to the ground in search of pastel-colored chicken eggs, when high above comes a toy-bestowing Santa, aglow and crackling with St. Elmo's Fire - reminiscent of a Nordic Thor in battle chariot, but, instead of his war-hammer Mjolnir, this god - Santa - holds a huge, mature Amanita Muscaria, and instead of a terrible battle cry, there issues from the great bearded guy in the sky peals of childlike laughter and yet, the very clear but thunderous Commandment: "Nations of the World - Thou shalt laugh and be happy - one and all!"

Woe is us! What shall we do? Laughter and happiness, toys and colors, rainbows and auroras. Surely, we will not have to forsake chocolate (howsoever poorly made) bunnies!!! Only time will tell. Hopefully, the elves themselves will like chocolate. This all had to happen. Global warming is melting the North Pole. Watch the skies - the end is near - Santa is coming to town!

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