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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Splittinghairs]
    #29645884 -

V.I. Lenin!!

VLADIMIR
ILYICH
ULYANOV

:feelsjohngoodman::thedude:

I confess I love forum drama.

Keep up the great work!
:endorse:

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Splittinghairs] * 4
    #29645886 -

I'm watching a video of Dizzy Gillespie from about 1962 rt now and I realized how much I could accomplish if I could get out of my own way for just 5 minutes.

So how the fuck do I even begin to do that??? I could be up there with those guys playing jazz like a mafacka, even though I can't read music. I can barely play the guitar most of the time, but I've been able improvise at very high levels. Often with people I just met. I'm self aware of these factual inconsistencies, but I remain largely incapable of acting on this knowledge. I have several memories of being on stage or whatever and realizing that the music was playing me, and it was the most joyful and spectacular thing I could ever imagine. I'm literally in tears thinking about it, writing this.

How do I get out of my own way??? Musically, emotionally, or otherwise? If I could figure it out, I could apply it to the rest of my shitpile of a life. All I've been able to do lately is try to repair the holes in the sinking ship with a drill and hammer. That doesn't work well, and usually I just see my own face laughing at me from the new hole I made.


--------------------
"For the powerful freedom-takers who rob justice from us all, that's why I keep my pistol loaded, powder, cap, and ball..."
Read more, post less!
...turns out, I'm an amateur at everything

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: raccoon_cat] * 1
    #29645887 -

Huh what? Has everyone gone nuts? Ras pulled a nice one. Meanwhile the one millionth cat puppet ran amok for a pretty long time with the regular old dumb shit. Trying to undermine his own longevity as usual.

You should all use a little less drugs.

Haha jk ofc not.


--------------------
Species grown 2025-26
https://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/29367720#29367720

Collection of trip reports
https://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/29242884#29242884

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: KlarnEvil9]
    #29645888 -

Klarn, in what ways do you feel that you are in your own way? Could you define that, maybe give an example or two?


--------------------
Mycology is my current hyperfixation
Uncommunicated expectations are just premeditated resentments.

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Mistakes] * 1
    #29645891 -

Mistakes said:
Klarn, in what ways do you feel that you are in your own way? Could you define that, maybe give an example or two?


In literally every way possible. Of if my brain engages in any way, I'm going to be blocking myself from being able to be anything but a stressed out, emotionally fragile wreck of a person. I don't know how to deal with myself, I've spent the last 2.5 years or so grieving incorrectly, at least once a week I have to stop myself from going across town and accosting family members in ways that will catch me some serious charges, etc. You know, regular shit. And that's just what I can think of right now.


--------------------
"For the powerful freedom-takers who rob justice from us all, that's why I keep my pistol loaded, powder, cap, and ball..."
Read more, post less!
...turns out, I'm an amateur at everything

Edited by KlarnEvil9 (08/12/26 10:17 AM)

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Splittinghairs] * 3
    #29645892 -

First, let's set the mood with a lil' diddy ditty:



It would seem I owe some of yall an apology.

Quote:
Rasmodius said:
Soooo in the course of doing a teasingly uncool thing, I may have inadvertently done an actually uncool thing and now, after making a catnip themed avatar, people might actually think i am catnip? Some people feel a way, the whole thing got very serious very fast.

I tried to update my confession along the lines of "I am 100% doing a bit here, but fear it may have been in unintentionally poor taste, and if so, I apologize", but hit submit to find I caught a ban (which is fine). I worry that what I tried to do was wear the face of a shitposter and what I may have actually done is wear the face of a lost friend with a much more tender and personal history on the board than I realized.


That about sums it up on my end. Boy was I surprised!!! When I set my tagline to "unbannable" I fully expected to catch a temp ban just because that's the natural way to tease back. But I'll admit that what actually happened did not occur to me for a single moment.

I'm sorry for not doing the homework, misreading the room, and making light of a situation that clearly has some history I don't fully understand, but there's no need to further derail explaining it. Whatever happened here was not my goal.

Hip, fiddle, I apologize for any distress caused as a result. My bad. Please know that the deceit, and not the earnestness, was a ruse.

Beef, mods, I'm sorry for dragging you into this mess, and thank you for your kindness.

In other words.


Anyway I confess that I also don't know how legos work and am stubbornly not yet willing to believe it isn't the first thing where the answer is "like it looks like they do" :mad2:

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Rasmodius] * 6
    #29645900 -

:lolsy:

You're crazy Rasmodius, I like it :rockon:


--------------------
“All Fungi are edible.

Some fungi are only edible once.”
― Terry Pratchett


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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: KlarnEvil9] * 2
    #29645904 -

KlarnEvil9 said:
A great question



I don't have an answer. But i also understand the world with music as my analogy. Just the other night i thought "music is my rosetta stone."

I feel like i get what you're saying. Ifeel like I've been wading through similar brush. But the path towards an answer is murky in my brain, and idk how to get there right now.

But your question struck me, and if anything comes to mind I'll share it, even if it's 9 months down the road.


*** okay now I'll try to answer ***


I will say that you sound like an artist.

I am somewhat of an artist by nature, and consistency has been my number 1 hurdle. Not sure how to get consistent, but I have found that my best artistic expressions (even those in the business world or human interactions) have come from a place of confidence (acceptance from myself alone or acceptance from the group I'm in), and they only come when I've met my basic needs and my mind/ body are relaxed (not screaming for a basic need... think hangry).

If i give myself the best chance at success, and if i believe in myself, then these artistic moments have a chance to be born. The ground is fertile. Easier said than done, but most things are.


*** maybe this was helpful maybe I'm way off, but i feel like we share a similar struggle, and if i find a way to make it easier I'll tell what I've found ***


--------------------
MUSHROOMS RULE

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Dala]
    #29645916 -

So, like I would never call myself an artist, even though it might be true sometimes. And those moments you're talking about, for me, come randomly. Usually when my brain is basically turned all the way off, i.e. out of my own way. Unburdened by all that having thoughts bullshit. But doing that creatively is far different than doing things that make me able to spend a couple of hours without having excruciating, self hating anxiety spirals. I'm constantly paralyzed by these thought spirals to the point that I don't have any idea what would help it.

I'm actively seeking a therapist, but every second of the time between now and then is agonizing. Every second of the time since my parents died has been agonizing. And now I'm becoming the bad guy because of some family politics over their house and how I refuse to sell it to a family member for less than half of it's value like they want me to. I'm fine with being the bad guy, but God damn I'm getting sick of their bullshit. I'm about a cunt hair from making sure the local sheriff's department knows I've informed them they are trespassing if they come back on my property. I have zero problem having them arrested if they keep fucking with my shit, and OH MY FUCKING GOD are they all going to get an earful once this fucker is sold and the money is in my account.


--------------------
"For the powerful freedom-takers who rob justice from us all, that's why I keep my pistol loaded, powder, cap, and ball..."
Read more, post less!
...turns out, I'm an amateur at everything

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Dala] * 2
    #29645929 -

Ras.   


We're all good man.  I appreciate the apology.    Some jokes just dont land with everyone.  But you weren't doing it in bad taste.    You just didn't know the kind of can of worms you were opening up.


Anyways im glad your real and still here with us. 

No worries at all.  Water under bridge far as im concerned..


--------------------
:hippie::mushroom2:Take it easy. if it's easy. take it twice:mushroom2::mushroom2:
:sporedrop:The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Shroomery:sporedrop:

**A LINK TO EVERTHING**


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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: KlarnEvil9] * 4
    #29645934 -

Klarn,
It sounds like you wanna get out of your head, free from the chattering thoughts.
This is also the plight of the mystic/seeker.

You could look to see what works for them.

A few hacks...

*Go into the woods/nature and be still for a while.

*Pretend you don't speak a language.

*Sing a familiar song in your head, 1 word per 10 seconds. The gaps fill with expectant silence.

But overall, I think you're looking for meditation.


--------------------
It's so easy to laugh
it's so easy to hate
It takes guts to be
gentle and kind
-the smiths

Your ego is your nemesis.
Seek the truth tirelessly,
Even at the cost of your own sanity.
-fiddle_head

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: LadysKnight] * 3
    #29645940 -

Even when I'm in the woods my brain won't shut up, like 7000 squirrels running their yaps. Often in non languages, usually a few hundred different ones simultaneously. Same thing with songs, always at least a few dozen going at once.

I get what you're saying, and you're right, but the way my fucking shit brain works kinda wins that fight every time. The only moments of peace I have are with an instrument in my hands, and I can't do that 24/7. Well, I could, but I like getting the money checks from my job and I'm not a professional musician. I'm honestly shocked that I still have a job most days, I don't do shit at work unless absolutely required.


--------------------
"For the powerful freedom-takers who rob justice from us all, that's why I keep my pistol loaded, powder, cap, and ball..."
Read more, post less!
...turns out, I'm an amateur at everything

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: KlarnEvil9] * 6
    #29645948 -

Fuck. Your brain sounds exhausting. I couldn't hang. :bow2:

Even though we are mysteries to ourselves, one thing is certain: we are not mycologists.


--------------------
MUSHROOMS RULE

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: KlarnEvil9]
    #29645952 -

KlarnEvil9 said:
...how much I could accomplish if I could get out of my own way for just 5 minutes.

...

How do I get out of my own way??? Musically, emotionally, or otherwise? If I could figure it out, I could apply it to the rest of my shitpile of a life. All I've been able to do lately is try to repair the holes in the sinking ship with a drill and hammer. That doesn't work well, and usually I just see my own face laughing at me from the new hole I made.


ooooof, boy do I know those feels. the feeling of spinning tires through life in a way that is at once thoughtless, and at the same time unable to do anything but think every possible thing at once, such that you're two kinds of disgusted with yourself that seem like they shouldn't be possible at the same time.

spinning on... what, exactly? a series of hollow distractions punctuated by occasional moments of lightness or play that are too rare to be who you actually are, but just frequent enough to remind you what you could have been if you weren't you instead.

the intermittent horror of what feels like waking up for ten seconds a month, just lucid enough for just long enough to take in the reality of what your life actually looks like before slipping back into whatever waking slumber makes the mess the rest of the time?

Projecting, here, of course. But I think I can relate. One of the downsides of being a pattern matching improv artist is that you can immediately respond to positive feedback with new ways to hate yourself on the fly. curse of a skill, for sure.

IDK I have more to say about this but I'm supposed to be at work lol. What I can say for sure, now that I'm getting to an age where I get sad when I see the softness of young people's hands sometimes, is that the people on stage fare no better. All the stuff we wish we had won't help. I've met too many people who made it and they feel exactly like I do. I'm sure dizzy chased a ghost of his own.

Grace is the jazz of living, or something. One note at a time.

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Rasmodius] * 1
    #29645953 -

Rasmodius said:
First, let's set the mood with a lil' diddy ditty:



It would seem I owe some of yall an apology.

Quote:
Rasmodius said:
Soooo in the course of doing a teasingly uncool thing, I may have inadvertently done an actually uncool thing and now, after making a catnip themed avatar, people might actually think i am catnip? Some people feel a way, the whole thing got very serious very fast.

I tried to update my confession along the lines of "I am 100% doing a bit here, but fear it may have been in unintentionally poor taste, and if so, I apologize", but hit submit to find I caught a ban (which is fine). I worry that what I tried to do was wear the face of a shitposter and what I may have actually done is wear the face of a lost friend with a much more tender and personal history on the board than I realized.


That about sums it up on my end. Boy was I surprised!!! When I set my tagline to "unbannable" I fully expected to catch a temp ban just because that's the natural way to tease back. But I'll admit that what actually happened did not occur to me for a single moment.

I'm sorry for not doing the homework, misreading the room, and making light of a situation that clearly has some history I don't fully understand, but there's no need to further derail explaining it. Whatever happened here was not my goal.

Hip, fiddle, I apologize for any distress caused as a result. My bad. Please know that the deceit, and not the earnestness, was a ruse.

Beef, mods, I'm sorry for dragging you into this mess, and thank you for your kindness.

In other words.


Anyway I confess that I also don't know how legos work and am stubbornly not yet willing to believe it isn't the first thing where the answer is "like it looks like they do" :mad2:



You're good by me man.  I deleted my offending post in my journal, feel free to grab a couch!


Also:




Got a new batch going.  The habaneros looked like shit so I grabbed some manzanos and serranos.


-Kingboomer


--------------------


I'm just a clown dancing to the sins of mankind.

-Captain Spaulding

Back in business

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Dala] * 2
    #29645954 -

Ras gets it. I have said for decades that I wouldn't strap my brain onto my worst enemy.


--------------------
"For the powerful freedom-takers who rob justice from us all, that's why I keep my pistol loaded, powder, cap, and ball..."
Read more, post less!
...turns out, I'm an amateur at everything

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: KlarnEvil9] * 5
    #29645955 -

I feel that description so much, Klarn. The first time I tried ritalin was the first time all the noise collapsed into a single voice. It was short lived, though.

Meditation is hard to start but with time, patience, and self compassion it does work to help recognize that you are not the noise and that you can tune it out. I am no swami but it has been one of the most positive impacts on my life.

It sounds like those moments with an instrument are your peek into what meditation can be. I hope you find some peace soon on which ever path you follow.


--------------------
Stoned Gummys | BRF Pucks | Primo Reusable Plates | Easy LI 4 Preserv & Propo
"Psychedelics are powerful substances. Nothing that powerful is completely safe... and nothing completely safe is that powerful!" - Abigail Calder at ALPS 2023
Don't Panic

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: KlarnEvil9] * 3
    #29645961 -

What you describe is pretty common and normal, but not ideal, as you know.

They call this voice the ego. It was necessary when we as a species were in a constant state of fight or flight. It helped us survive. But now it is a peaceless mindfuck of "what if" or "I can't believe I did/said that", "I'm a horrible person", etc.

They say these thoughts are not us. And the emotions they produce are not us. We are the observer of these thoughts and emotions. We can choose to dismiss any thoughts and not be swept away by the emotions they produce. One at a time. Moment to moment.

It is possible, just by practicing, to observe thoughts as they slide by without spending any time or energy on them. Don't worry about stopping the thought. Just choose not to entertain it. It will pass, and that moment between thoughts will grow bigger and more stable with practice.


--------------------
It's so easy to laugh
it's so easy to hate
It takes guts to be
gentle and kind
-the smiths

Your ego is your nemesis.
Seek the truth tirelessly,
Even at the cost of your own sanity.
-fiddle_head

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: KlarnEvil9] * 1
    #29645963 -

I came back to this treasure trove of drama that I can't even begin to understand. I'm glad Ras clarified a lil and saved me from having to snoop

KlarnEvil9 said:
I'm watching a video of Dizzy Gillespie from about 1962 rt now and I realized how much I could accomplish if I could get out of my own way for just 5 minutes.

So how the fuck do I even begin to do that??? I could be up there with those guys playing jazz like a mafacka, even though I can't read music. I can barely play the guitar most of the time, but I've been able improvise at very high levels. Often with people I just met. I'm self aware of these factual inconsistencies, but I remain largely incapable of acting on this knowledge. I have several memories of being on stage or whatever and realizing that the music was playing me, and it was the most joyful and spectacular thing I could ever imagine. I'm literally in tears thinking about it, writing this.

How do I get out of my own way??? Musically, emotionally, or otherwise? If I could figure it out, I could apply it to the rest of my shitpile of a life. All I've been able to do lately is try to repair the holes in the sinking ship with a drill and hammer. That doesn't work well, and usually I just see my own face laughing at me from the new hole I made.


Well if you find this out make sure to spill the beans - preferably not on a podcast as an expensive supplement that I have to buy. I feel very similar in a way where I have a glimpse of brilliance but can't capitalize on where it leads me. I'm meandering around in shallow waters looking for my cove. It's probably something that's right in front of me that my inhibitions prevent me from realizing.

I know it's all mental block preventing me from flourishing in ways I want to flourish. I don't even mean financially or professionally, just even on a personal level to reach a state of happiness. It's possible that I never truly get past this and it's okay if I don't, but I choose to believe I'll find something that lets me truly let go. I just want to love what I spend my time doing, and with that I hope to finally truly love myself. Self-hate has wasted so much of my time, I need to find a way to get past it.

I have been doing some self discovery, and I hope that exploring this through a combined lens of ADHD and OCD helps me move past this. Previously I was trying to treat my anxiety and depression symptoms, but now I understand those are just the immediate symptoms I feel as a result of my other problems.

Leaky boat reminds me of this song:

Edited by Zef (08/12/26 01:18 PM)

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: KlarnEvil9] * 2
    #29645964 -

Rasmodius — good performance, man.

KlarnEvil9 — Rumination, anxieties or simply "mundane" issues are a strong impediment to creativity and flow states. I don't know if this can help you (or maybe it'll help someone else), but I'd like to share something that worked for me.

During one of my training sessions I was choked incorrectly and ended up with slight tracheal damage. But my brain wasn't able to process the experience despite the completely rational context. So I responded with strong sympathetic nervous system activation (fight or flight) for a few weeks. Lots of cortisol, anxious states — very uncomfortable.

So among other things I turned to facial immersions in ice-cold water to activate the Mammalian dive reflex. Two rounds of between 15 and 30 seconds is more than enough. It stimulates the vagus nerve in a powerful and immediate way. Activates the parasympathetic nervous system. It helped me a lot to break out of the loops. If you didn't know about it, take a look — it's very interesting.

On the other hand there's Humming, unfortunately undervalued and still largely unknown. Nasal or lower, lying on a wooden table would be ideal. If you go low, try to feel the vibration at the level of the diaphragm. There are quite a few studies on Humming, though I won't list all the benefits here. 10 minutes make a difference. You can use Spectroid on your phone to learn to lower the frequencies.

I know a few others, but these two have always worked for me. They brought me back closer to the axis, so to speak. It's not miraculous, but it's one more thing in the arsenal.

Hugs :heart:


--------------------
"Little shark in da bathtub"

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