My dreams synch up with reality and reality is a dream.
I know how you feel, sorta... but I feel like water, totally passive, people influence me, I just float along for the ride.... could be a good thing but it means my will is underdeveloped and that I'm not grounded to reality.
When I speak, I hear other people's voices coming out of my mouth, I look in the mirror and see other people.... not literally, no, but "see" as in.... "feel" as in "imagine"....... all influential figures in my life...... I speak, and sometimes my vocal tones will match theirs and I will sound exactly like them. I look in the mirror and can see their features in me if I look close enough.
I feel like I am all people, all people are me..... that my ego barrier is rather weakened, but that I am not properly GROUNDED in order to harness these insights properly, so I have a hard time feeling spiritual and I just get lost in my own inner worlds and have a hard time paying attention.
Dreamed of bikers robbing a store..... got up today... saw 4 bikers eating breakfast....... dreamed of a tornado the day before... tornados galore but not near me.......
the wind also gave me a severe thrashing while trying to ride my bike.
Think of my friend, with the intention that it's okay to meet him under certain circumstances (so that we can grow closer....) and he calls me about 4 hours later......
connection. to everything.
listening to the radio.... blah blah i'm some stupid radio commercial jittering along.... and the song glycerine is meshed into my mind... I hear the first notes .... right after the last song ends, about 20 seconds before the next song... while the radio commercial is chiming away........ and i'm thinking.... man glycerine is a good song......
glycerine comes on.
i laugh and thank God for showing me connection. but often times it can be scary and hard to deal with. I don't care about material pursuits and yet since I am by no means "enlightened" I must live in this world, so why can't I pay attention to it or feel grounded?
ahhh .
it's all so interesting. you know how it is when you cough and everyone else coughs with you? Or you are focusing on your chest congestion and 3-4 people cough. ..... know how it is that when a group of people are taking notes, often times they all turn their pages to start a new page at the same time? How you can be in or out of synch with the page turning?
Know how all these things are? Know how the pieces fit? I do... but I'm not "IN" I'm just loosely aware.... sometimes connected, but failling to grasp the larger picture.
and really, this is enough. having local bands sing songs about how I feel....... all these things...... it's enough for me. I need to ground before I go any futher.
ESP is certainly "real" but it's not something really deliberate unless you are truelly spiritually evolved, it's more something that your mind just tunes into the natural frequencies of things, so you notice more.
course.... the proper term for it is schizophrenia right? Or schizotypal? Well..... it can certainly be debilitating to those who aren't ready for it.
I don't really mind I just want to feel like I have some individuality, some groundedness.... like the coincidences aren't overwhelming, rather just subtle gifts from the divine that show me that life is what you make of it, so why not be free? But freedom is a huge obstacle, something I have problems with, just letting go and flowing.
mmmm I communicated, sent thoughts, to a beautiful cellist. Many of them. Can you hear me? She looks at me and nods.... be careful with the cello! She waves it around in front of me acting like she's going to drop it. That was awesome! She spazzes out and laughs and points at the violinist. Again.... can you hear me? She looks at me and nods.
But how did I do it, aside from being damn stoned? She didn't pick up on everything, only charged emotional.... concepts?
and what about....... trying to remember....... okay what about this/ Ever run a script in your head of how you will make a joke to someone? I got blood drawn to donate to hopefully save lives and they bruised my arm and made me look like a heroin junky.... so in my head I'm like thinking of how someone will ask me about it and i'll make a joke that I'm a heroin junky and used the blood donation to cover up my habit.
THIS EXACT DIALOGUE happens..... someone asks so what happened to your arm, and instead of making the joke I say "Oh I gave blood..... I don't want to look like I'm a heroin junkie so that's why I'm leaving this wrap on it." and they say "That's what you tell people, at least? It's just a cover up."
it all goes exactly how I fantasized it would. I fantasized two variables, the first being that I would tell the joke, or the second being that I would tell the truth, then make a joke where I said "But If I wanted to I would tell a joke about it being a heroin coverup" or something along those lines.
and so.... the guy says the heroin thing to me and I say what I rehearsed "yes that would be the joke I would tell."
all things are so interconnected and dreamlike.
I cannot pick up on thoughts, though, thankfully because I'm not sure I would be able to handle it... but I seem to be able to randomly send them sometimes.
-------------------- I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!
....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!
Edited by leery11 (04/07/06 09:58 AM)
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