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My life has turned into what I have dreamed. My life is now what I want it to be, but while the transition was taking place, I lost what I also dreamed of. I cannot have fun. I have lost the ability to enjoy myself. I ask myself why, and I come up with the answer that I care too much. About what? About finding out what is really important. I concern myself so much with important issues, such as who I really am, what I am really about, and what I really want. I really want to be happy and not an ignorant person. Now, I know I can never be fully non-ignorant, and I cant have fun.
My dreams have been shot down. By me. By my parents. By others. My main dream is to move to peru, and live in solitare in one of the last vigin rain forests. But, will it happen? I have critically asked myself that many times. Sometimes I think YES! its possible.. you can do it if you really want to. Change CAN happen. Then sometimes I just think that I cannot get released from the culture around me. I tried to become a vegitarian. I knew the reasons i wanted to. I couldnt. I had NO support. Perhaps I just need persist. But i cant. Im lazy. Its really depressing when your dreams seem unreachable, but is that what makes them dreams?
So, I guess what im trying to say is that in becoming what I wish, I have become what I fear. I am a happy person. I love my life, and I have no regrets, but I am also thinking that ignorance is bliss. Although everytime that thought does cross my mind, I know I am happier knowing what I know I do know.
I'm just confused. I know that happens in life, and its part of it. How will I get through it tho? Blindly, or by doing what i love to do... think.
Umm, I think I'm you. Well, the thing about moving to Peru and everything... the whole thing, that's pretty much where I'm at too. Seems very hopeless right? Well, it is. But that's only because you're holding on to the last scraps of what you used to be. Now you are probably not an all knowing deity, nor am I, and there are many things to learn yet. So fear not, take what you know, and try to crest that mountain. You know that if you give up and come wallowing back down you're going to look back up there from the bottom, from your shitty unfulfilling life, and you're going to cry.
Now the hard part. The practical issues. What are we to do? Well, I'm working on it. This however shouldn't be the hardest part, else you're going to look like a whiner in front of all the other monks. ;) Perhaps you should just pack up (or not even pack up) and head to Peru, or India, or whatever. I was looking hard at that option yesterday, but today I'm not so sure. I fell face first into something today, something I'm sure I've been waiting for, and if I pass it up I will likely never forgive myself. Now, I may not go all the way with that thing, as since I last posted here I've already learned more about it and was let down a notch or two. On the bright side, I seem to have made an excellent contact who's within 20 minutes or so of my house. This is something utterly amazing (I hope) and if the previous thing I mentioned is not "the path" I should be on, then I'm hoping that this latter option is.
Why am I bragging to you about my good fortune? Because, all I had to do was LOOK. Sure I'd been looking for quite awhile now, but most of the ideas I was throwing around were a little too extreme to just jump into. (I'd love to head straight to Peru right now, but what would I do there? I think it would just be running away from the problem, in a way.) There are oportunities right where you are, but you're going to have to look for them.
>Change CAN happen. Then sometimes I just think that I cannot get released from the culture around me
It is so incredibly hard, isn't it? I also want to go away somewhere, albeit only for a year or two (or three, or ten), but whereto. And what do I do there? But the hardest part is just to let go of your everyday life an plunge head first into something unknown.
>I'm just confused. Yeah, me too man.
>I know that happens in life, and its part of it. How will I get through it tho? Blindly, or by doing what i love to do... think.
By doing what you love to do. Iv'e come up with a pilosphy of how to live that I think is valid:
If there's something you want to do, ask yourself if you will regret it if you don't do it. If the answer is yes, by god, do it!
Easier said than done, but life isn't easy. It's the fear of change that holds one back.
I say go to Peru, of course it is possible! Just start planning and preparing. You can even pretend you are not going to go if it makes it easier. But do *something*, and start today!
Eternally boggled, flummoxed, bewildered and surprised.
While one is never free from one's situation, one is always responsible for what is made of one - Jean Paul Satre
I have that quote stuck on the inside of my bedroom door, so I can see it every time I leave the house. Makes me realise why I "am", sends me out with a vague notion of purpose, the notion that I am always "becoming". Each experience changes who we are, I think we just have to go at there and enjoy ourselves: we only get one go, there's no point in sitting in a corner moping about how we got a bum-deal. We have to use the cards we were dealt and make the most of it all.