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Re: i don't know what to do anymore. [Re: leery11]
    #5898823 -

What country do you live in leery?

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Re: i don't know what to do anymore. [Re: Andy21]
    #5898835 -

good ol USA


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I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

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Re: i don't know what to do anymore. [Re: leery11]
    #5900252 -

it's called growing up.


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Re: i don't know what to do anymore. [Re: Phoshaman]
    #5900667 -

I've know a similar situation, as far as pain and shyness go. I think you're on the way to the other fork in the road from what I've taken. Loneliness is a blessing but even if you want to believe in fate, that blessing is still up to you to use.


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... just some food for thought.

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Re: i don't know what to do anymore. [Re: leery11]
    #5901109 -

I understand exactly how you feel. I personally do about the same thing.
Like someone at work will be having his annual " birthday bash",
I always get invited to things like this, but never attend.
Not because I am not social, but I don't know, maybe I think
I have enought things drawing my time away. Or maybe I don't
want some friendships to cross a certain line anymore.
But I feel, that as we get older, we go from the mental state
of having lots of friends, like when we were kids.
To an adult state, of a couple of friends. That doesn't mean I wouldn't
help them out if they needed my help.
I just don't want to form a lot of bonds.

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Re: i don't know what to do anymore. [Re: rod]
    #5901356 -

i guess nothing functional can happen from this viewpoint, and that ultimately to get what i want i have to stop this cycle of negative feedback.

i seek attention through feeling bad, and while someone that feels bad deserves to be lifted up and nurtured and brought around, to make this my default "state" in relation to seeking someone out

basically means that i use negative energy to find people, and that the only ones who would help me would either be extremely liberated in unconditional love, or they would simply feel an "obligation" or "responsibility" and yet it would drive them a bit nutty.

and while once attracted to the latter person I do not think I would continue to drag them down, rather would have a lot to contribute, a lot of ideas to share, and they would act as a grounding conduit to my spaceiness (which is a symptom of my inwardness/shyness)....

it is not really the "right" energy to send out to find who I am looking for. although, who I am looking for is unconditionally warm and loving, with a vital will/playfulness and yet not over the top cooky or insane, but has an earthly peace to them.

basically all the lower chakras with a focus on heart ?

but you know. i don't think it's very easy to gravitate to what you want when you use negative emotions as your compass.

so.

i'm going to have to shed all these thoughts and patterns I think. I may employ LSA to help me a little bit, I am unsure. it naturally connects me to love and appreciation of things.

perhaps the ultimate goal is self honesty..... if i were honestly a certain "way" i wouid have an easier time finding someone to lift me out of the darkness, than if i were fighting between not wanting to be a certain way, and wanting to be it at the same time.

a graceful acceptance of myself would yield more positivity toward me i think, and peak people's interest more, than a kind of neuortic i feel one way but my ideals point me in the other , but i'm stuck in the middle and oscilating

i dunno.

theory is the problem. thinking. overthinking over analyzing separates the body from the mind.

withering my intuition leaving opportunities behind.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

Edited by leery11 (07/26/06 08:44 AM)

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Re: i don't know what to do anymore. [Re: leery11]
    #5902751 -

I think you need to connect to the true positive power of love that this universe is made of. It is not a positive or negative love, it is a love so powerful and unconditional it is perfect. It is pure existence for it's own sake.

I think you need an inspiring experience that gives you the power to see what you want to achieve i.e. I would suggest a strong psychedelic experience(but I would use something else from LSA, the namesake of this website, maybe)? Believe me, this world is only as complex as you let it be, things can easily be boiled down and sense made if you want to.

Most of all you sound like you need a mental refreshment. It sounds like things are cluttered up in your head. A mental defragging(trip) would do you good, IMO.

Do you live near a school? If so, go to the art department and try and meet some friends. It is really easy to meet new friends like the ones you want, however, they have just as many assholes and dicks in the artist clique as they do in any other. I myself can't stand most of the hardcore artists, philosophical people I have met. The artists only have their own agenda and philosophers are big negative devil's advocates.

I suggest you start with 21 days of gratitude. Get up each morning and be thankful for what you have. Start with your five senses, then the stimulation of those senses. Then move on to family and friends. I think another member suggested this to me and it really helped get me out of a rut at one time.


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No ONE wants to know the ultimate TRUTH, as soon as YOU find IT out, YOU want to forget IT.

You are everything's way of feeling itself.

Happy Schwag, everygodly!

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Re: i don't know what to do anymore. [Re: mecreateme]
    #5904895 -

i just blew off a chance to go to a party with my co-workers.

lol... :x

they didn't invite me though, as they don't know me very well and i'm new to the scene while most of them know each other real well. i was washing some lab equipment and they were talking about a party.

i could have said "having a party huh?" and i'm sure they would have invited me. but i chose to leave. and now i'm lone again, lol.

i don't know if that's a good idea or not. i don't like drinking and don't have any drugs to bring them though, but i'd still like a few beers i guess, it would have been kind of fun.

hmmmmmmmmmmmm. should i have said something, or should they have invited me?

well too late now. partying isn't what i'm looking for, but it would still be fun i mean.

i think this was a very poor decision given my feelings right now.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

Edited by leery11 (07/27/06 10:38 AM)

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Re: i don't know what to do anymore. [Re: leery11]
    #5905154 -

you're looking for a right or wrong decision

when in reality

there is no right or wrong decision on this matter

you did what you did

let life continue


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channel your inner Larry David

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Re: i don't know what to do anymore. [Re: demiu5]
    #5905291 -

more or less.

but decisions yield results, so if i have a desire, and i can decide to move slightly closer, or stay the same place, it's the "wrong" decision to not pursue my goals.

i think this would have been in line with my goals. it's not that simple though. there are obvious reasons why i also didn't do anything... i.e. not caring for alcohol or parties too much.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

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