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i don't know what to do anymore.
    #5897420 -

i kind of feel like i'm meant to be alone.

i used to be a really social child but i was broken down in middle school and made afraid to reach out. they got to the very core of my being by capitalizing on something that i could not help at all...... making me myself feel rather worthless.

i had real good friends at that time. one group turned on me and the other didn't. then that group disappeared the next year as if i willed them away, and i felt good about that.

so the rest of my life i've been running from that mode of operation.

i will open up to a degree, but it's like i'm not given opportunities and i don't know how to go build new relationships. so i just sit in my apartment alone, and only have 2 friends that i can open up to about anything. they're good friends, but they're gone right now.

and i'm not anti-social i just don't initiate. like some girl asked me what our apartment address is, and i gave her love and told her where i lived if she wanted to see me. and she shook my hand (i was in a connected to love mood) and it was fine. comopletely open and honest with her. but...... "God" help me i couldn't just ring her bell or something you know? why? i guess becuase i've been invalidated and taught repeatedly that i'm not right, that my intentions are not right, that people will hurt me if i act on them to be "myself".

the only girlfriend i ever had damaged me even more, but its my fault too. but it left me questioning and censoring my every intention, divorced from my natural instinct, because everything i wanted to do, that felt normal and good and safe and would help me feel better, i was systematically denied.

so that left me broken on an entirely different spectrum, making interacting with girls hard. now if i get sexual energy for a girl, or it seems like she is into me (which doesn't happen much at all becuase i don't give myself opportunities becuase of how I am) i don't know what to do and ignore it and feel awkward.

why would i have been broken like that if i wasn't meant to be alone? it seems like i am meant to be alone. because now i'm getting to the point where i can't even think about it anymore, becuase i've been over it so much that there is no thought left... no prayer to even utter... and i just lie down and breathe for a while.

is it the ultimate test, on a path to enlightenment, freeing attachment from people? or is it a way to madness? or both? or neither? generally people pursue enlightenment with spiritual friends, with a sangha, the ascetic in a cave is kind of a rare thing.

i can't decipher, how much of it is my conditioning, from being broken and molded into something that i'm not.... and how much of it is my own "choice"

because it's not like i haven't tried to open up. i just didn' get the pieces to fit together right on a lot of things, and my attitude automatically shot down others.

and honestly i don't know what i want. i don't want to see that place again that I saw with my first girlfriend. it is death. it is so terrible. it is hell. it's the worst pain ever and it lasts for months on end. and i don't want to be hurt like that. i don't want to go through a tedius process of opening up unless this person truely loves me unconditionally and will work with me about everything.

and as for friends well what if i already have all the friends I need? i don't want to drink and watch football and play video games. i want to talk about the deepest darkest things. and i CAN do that with these friends.

so am i meant to be alone. is it a choice? what is alone? do i have a soulmate pissed off at me for not preparing myself to meet her/him?

i just don't like the creeping feeling of condemnation, guilt, hopeless, emptiness, aloneness, in my sacral plexus, the very bottomn of my stomach. but i've been shown firsthand it's an "illusion" and that the default state is unconditionally happy.

i don't know if i am meant to be alone and to push through all these attachments. i don't know anything.

i've made elightenment my only goal. it doesn't mean i work really hard at it, it's just the only thing that make sense to strive for in this world. if i had choice to make my own reality though i'd like someone to go that path with me. the only person i know on that level, who would have the same goal.... she is presumably married according to one of my friends....... and if not things are just so confusing anyway.

i love her and i can see how it could hurt me really bad to love her in anything other than platonic ways. man

it's not real but why am i so engaged in it, and vested in it to be hurt? I know human wiring and even chakra wiring needs companionship/sex etc. you can transmute the sexual energy into higher centers but it's real hard.

i want to get out of the getting attention from negativity operation (like having a bad trip or being really drunk, or breaking down and crying in order to open up to people)

---------------
i've also had weird stuff happen. like this band at a live show healed me somehow, when i was feeling better they started singing "I feel alright again. I am opening up" over and over. then this girl who was there that I knew came and said by to me.... and I was going to ask her number but it just seemed really futile, because she didn't seem like a match for me. and i hesitated too long and the light that fueled my fire burned a hole into me......

so then the band sang in the next song "you can't love yourself, dumbass!" becuase i was thinking "well it's okay you can still love yourself"


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

Edited by leery11 (07/25/06 08:37 AM)

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Re: i don't know what to do anymore. [Re: leery11]
    #5897536 -

I feel you on so many levels. I was wondering about the same thing this morning, "aloneness". I don't think anyone is supposed to be alone or with others. Kind of if you are you are, if you're not you're not. It leads to confusion but has worked out best so far through my experiences. I usually let people come to me, I don't have the desire to go to them. I know that most people in this world aren't searching for what I am. They want comfort and stability, while I'd like that but in a less comfortable and stable way.

I don't have any answers to give you to your questions, but know you aren't alone in your thoughts, and we are all brothers and sisters in the whole.


--------------------
channel your inner Larry David

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Re: i don't know what to do anymore. [Re: demiu5]
    #5897548 -

thanks man. i'd like to just be a little kid again. you just open up to someone and you two share yourselves completely , and it's so natural ... there aren't any norms and you aren't embarrassed to share yourself.

people come to me entirely. just not many have come in a while.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

Edited by leery11 (07/25/06 09:28 AM)

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Re: i don't know what to do anymore. [Re: leery11]
    #5897563 -

that's the thing man...I realized this thought while talking to my friend a few weeks ago. I strive to keep the childhood amazement, the wonder, all of it. I want people around me that do the same. Someone who can go sit in a field all day and do nothing and be content and happy becuase they are and are outside living, breathing. Someone to walk with whether there is a particular place to go or not. Someone to share with and be shared with thoughts and feelings.

There are so few of these people though


--------------------
channel your inner Larry David

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Re: i don't know what to do anymore. [Re: demiu5]
    #5897573 -

exactly. that's what i'm looking for too. but i've let myself stay broken so my eyes are kind of closed.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

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Re: i don't know what to do anymore. [Re: leery11]
    #5897599 -

Ok I really can relate to you on the "theme" of your problem.  Here's my take on it.

I had friends who I got along with well and was very social. When I came out to them, a lot of them didn't care to talk to me or were mean. 

Living in a mostly white area as a minority didn't help either.  The one guy I fell in love with here winded up cheating on me two weeks later while I was out buying him a birthday present (isn't that tactful?)

But he isn't all men and all men aren't like him.  Just like all women aren't like your ex.  But I digress...

I thought. OMGz I'm gonna be alone. 

There's only one thing I can say and it's going to sound harsh but it's true:

Toughen the fuck up!

Seriously, there's nothing that can be done to change the world.  No matter how hard I try, some of my ex-friends are going to hate gays and the same people in my neighborhood are gonna hate blacks/Hispanics.

So what I do ? FUCK THEM! lol they mean nothing to me. 

Ever since I applied the "Fuck them" way of thinking I have found new friends who are really supportive.  Some are kind of into drugs and when I don't feel like getting high I don't.

There is NO need to get high/drunk to impress people.  If you don't want to don't. I sing so I can't smoke weed (or anything else). Every time I'm offered I say that. If they don't like it, Fuck em. 

You and I and everyone else are not meant to be alone.  We are meant to be social; however we are meant to be different.  If you don't want to drink and play video games by all means don't. 

Those are not the people you want. Find you some artistic people who are into deep philosophical thinking.    They exist. 

And if you have 2 good friends that's all you need. Quality over quantity.  If you can find 2 people who you can share your life with. Why need 20000 friends who are surfacy as shit and have no depth?

Remember if you don't like em and they don't like you: Fuck em :wink:


--------------------
"We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools."

~Martin Luther King Jr.~

<passitbobbie> if I just showed you a closeup of my ass
<passitbobbie> youd think it was female

"You owe errrbody up in here an apology fow youwe shit, HO!" - classic

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Re: i don't know what to do anymore. [Re: Afroshroomerican]
    #5897640 -

"Those are not the people you want. Find you some artistic people who are into deep philosophical thinking. They exist. "
all theory and no practice..........

It's all in my head... I just somehow believe it is "fate" or something ..... I could go out and force an interaction with someone who looks artistic but in my head I'd think "well it wouldn't work out right" or something.

i'm waiting for something to click I guess, who knows!

and yeah the 2 friends are good but I hardly ever see them. that will have to change I guess, but one is going to Africa after he graduates, the other will not even be here this semester becuase he's in Canada (at least I think).

that's still though a few good semesters with the one that will be here. He was a childhood friend actually and I just happened to run into him at college having not seen him in years.

then we hardly hung out at all lol :frown: but who knows.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

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Re: i don't know what to do anymore. [Re: leery11]
    #5897694 -

If it's all in your head then you have to fix your head.

I thought everyone would hate me. I don't think that way and it doesn't become a self-fulling prophecy.

I firmly believe that if you think you are meant to be something you will be. If you really think your an asshole, you will be one. I think it like emanates from our beliefs about ourselves.

Once you see that there are people like you and you are not meant to be alone then it will become reality for you. Your mindset of being alone will get you alone.

Hate to sound like a motivational speaker but it's true. It's all about how you believe when it comes to relationships.

Maybe that's how you got dicked over by your first girlfriend. Your beliefs about yourself gave off the image of weakness and susceptibility.


--------------------
"We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools."

~Martin Luther King Jr.~

<passitbobbie> if I just showed you a closeup of my ass
<passitbobbie> youd think it was female

"You owe errrbody up in here an apology fow youwe shit, HO!" - classic

Edited by Afroshroomerican (07/25/06 10:34 AM)

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Re: i don't know what to do anymore. [Re: leery11]
    #5897725 -

I think I have a good idea where you're coming from. Everything inter-is. While you may have been taught how to act socially and you may have been taught to be shy, it's YOU who ALLOWED them to teach you this. You opened yourself up to them and were betrayed.

Don't turn and run, that solves diddly squat. Face the situation, have courage, and change the conditions. You've continued to be shy only because the conditions for it have remained ripe. You don't sound like you particularly enjoy having a minimal social life, so the only thing to do is to act based on that. Change the conditions that previously supported your shyness and introvertedness.

Or accept them. But don't just moan about them, do something.


--------------------
"Now that the principalities and the powers stockpile weapons of mass destruction, contaminate the earth with their feverish industry, release floods of images to trigger insatiable desires, treat animals and humans as commodities and functions of a market, the devil must be grinning from ear to ear."

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Re: i don't know what to do anymore. [Re: leery11]
    #5897729 -

I'm a strong believer in fate. Maybe everything you have been through has happened to prepare you for something, maybe it's all happened to make you the deep person you seem, to give you these thoughts/feelings that you might not of had without your past experiences.
Even in the hardest times throughout my life, i used to think "why me" alot. Then after time i started noticing that all the bad things usually made sense in the end.
I mean even when i think back and i still feel hurt, i realize now that the hurt is something i need to feel, it's an experience that makes me a better person in the long run.
Sometimes it's hard to see how being torn to pieces can make you better in ways, but when i think about the person i am inside i don't think i'd change my past for anything. I wouldn't even alter things to change the mental scars i carry if i could.

These days i try my best to let fate do it's work because i know now i can trust it. My god it makes me feel awful ALOT but the more i accept it the more sense bad things seem to make in the end.

So if fates working for you, which i believe it will be you are on one path now to learn what you need to learn. At somepoint your path will change and you will be lead in a different direction, meeting different people to learn something else.
I honestly believe that fate had something to do with all the people in my life ( past and present ) that have an any impact on me, it's like they come in, teach you something, then some stay around maybe because you have something to teach them or they have more for you, and some just leave your life.

I think my point is that everything will make sense eventually, all this will help you as a person in the long run and you definately won't stay in the place your at now forever, things will change.

Fate doesn't want us to be alone all our lives, i think it's there to teach us. If you don't rebel against it and it's ways i think it can teach us all we need to know.
Maybe fate and life are the same thing, either way they both need embracing.

You may find it hard with girls at the moment, ive felt the same alot.
Then it's when you least expect it that someone comes into your life and all the old anxious feelings you felt before don't apply to that person.
Ive had that afew times and i'm still unable to explain it.
FATE, well maybe, i'm definately starting to think it might be :smile:

:sun:

Edited by Mike_yy (07/25/06 11:02 AM)

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Re: i don't know what to do anymore. [Re: leery11]
    #5897749 -

Learn to stand alone.  :heart:

(we die alone) 

Be beyond shame.  You'll be happier that way.  :smile:

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Re: i don't know what to do anymore. [Re: Afroshroomerican]
    #5897759 -

Afroshroomerican said:
Ok I really can relate to you on the "theme" of your problem.  Here's my take on it.

I had friends who I got along with well and was very social. When I came out to them, a lot of them didn't care to talk to me or were mean. 

Living in a mostly white area as a minority didn't help either.  The one guy I fell in love with here winded up cheating on me two weeks later while I was out buying him a birthday present (isn't that tactful?)

But he isn't all men and all men aren't like him.  Just like all women aren't like your ex.  But I digress...

I thought. OMGz I'm gonna be alone. 

There's only one thing I can say and it's going to sound harsh but it's true:

Toughen the fuck up!

Seriously, there's nothing that can be done to change the world.  No matter how hard I try, some of my ex-friends are going to hate gays and the same people in my neighborhood are gonna hate blacks/Hispanics.

So what I do ? FUCK THEM! lol they mean nothing to me. 

Ever since I applied the "Fuck them" way of thinking I have found new friends who are really supportive.  Some are kind of into drugs and when I don't feel like getting high I don't.

There is NO need to get high/drunk to impress people.  If you don't want to don't. I sing so I can't smoke weed (or anything else). Every time I'm offered I say that. If they don't like it, Fuck em. 

You and I and everyone else are not meant to be alone.  We are meant to be social; however we are meant to be different.  If you don't want to drink and play video games by all means don't. 

Those are not the people you want. Find you some artistic people who are into deep philosophical thinking.    They exist. 

And if you have 2 good friends that's all you need. Quality over quantity.  If you can find 2 people who you can share your life with. Why need 20000 friends who are surfacy as shit and have no depth?

Remember if you don't like em and they don't like you: Fuck em :wink:


What solid advice...I've applied the same to my own life with success.  :thumbup:

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Re: i don't know what to do anymore. [Re: MOTH]
    #5898182 -

EllemyshShade said:
Learn to stand alone.  :heart:

(we die alone) 

Be beyond shame.  You'll be happier that way.  :smile:


not shame. guilt maybe.

i agree, thanks for the fate advice Afroshroomerican .

But really what I'm learning is there is no point to living in this world, it is an elaborate trap that becomes more immersive by the minute. This is hard to learn, since I live in this world.

no inherent point anyway. you can give it a flavor if you want to exploit it rather than be exploited by it. So perhaps I need to learn how to manipulate my way through this world without taking it seriously, and while having a good time.

if so, then this is why I make the thread, because it doesn't seem like I'm necessarily succeeding at manipulating it to my favor.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

Edited by leery11 (07/25/06 01:09 PM)

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Re: i don't know what to do anymore. [Re: leery11]
    #5898255 -

leery11 said:
So perhaps I need to learn how to manipulate my way through this world without taking it seriously, and while having a good time.




Good thoughts...though I would say you need to learn how to flow your way through this world without taking yourself so seriously, and you'll have a good time. 

Many times how we view the world is a reflection of how we view ourselves.  Just from my observations, the two seem intertwined.

:heart: Take care.

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Re: i don't know what to do anymore. [Re: leery11]
    #5898446 -

Thats it! How I lost my guilt and fear and most of that shit was to go and live in another country for a year away from my friends and family. Rebuilding my life from scratch. Do something challenging, that maybe scares you, it will stretch you. When I returned home I had a new perspective. Less serious and anal retentive, more like the Dude from the big Lebowski  :cool:. If going abroad is not an option perhaps join a nightclass or get a new job, I think as was mentioned previously it is new social situations that will benefit you the most.

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Re: i don't know what to do anymore. [Re: leery11]
    #5898449 -

Thats it! How I lost my guilt and fear and most of that shit was to go and live in another country for a year away from my friends and family. Rebuilding my life from scratch. Do something challenging, that maybe scares you, it will stretch you. When I returned home I had a new perspective. Less serious and anal retentive, more like the Dude from the big Lebowski  :cool:. If going abroad is not an option perhaps join a nightclass or get a new job, I think as was mentioned previously it is new social situations that will benefit you the most. I wish you the best man, it's a strange old life we have here.

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Re: i don't know what to do anymore. [Re: Andy21]
    #5898460 -

leaving the country for a while would be very good for me.

its an option but i wouldn't be "free" to do it, my parents would be paying for it and my loans would be paying for it.

loans. wtf. debt? bullshit :frown:
debt isn't cool. i'm not even excited about working or having a career or a "future" or anything. it is all very laughable. all i need is enough to survive, so i should find something simple and lovable to do to make that living.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

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Re: i don't know what to do anymore. [Re: leery11]
    #5898521 -

hehe I am in your situation now, I just got my degree in environmental science. I got a first degree, which people keep telling me is a big deal. I cannot be bothered to do a masters yet so I have to get a job, but I first have to pass my driving test to get the kind of jobs that I may want. My basic plan is to get a shitty job save up a wodge of money, then go to  Sunseed Desert Technologies and do some volunteering in a sustainable community in Spain. You do not have to be enthusiastic about a career yet, infact most people in my experience are not. I for sure am not, but just try and get your social skills to a level whereby you enjoy interacting because you dont give a shit. Then get a job where you work with loads of people, bada bing happiness ensues  :smile: Have you looked into tefl courses? you can actually earn money whilst away if you do a tefl course and arrange a job. Theres a good book I bought from a barnes and noble when I was in the US called Delaying the Real world, I forget the author but it was full of good suggestions for screwing around for a few years.

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Re: i don't know what to do anymore. [Re: Andy21]
    #5898775 -

whats tefl courses?

and regardless of fate man.... i DO need people. lord so much.

it feels like i need the love of like, a higher more developed human being who can just transmute all this mess.

becuase the mess isn't permanent and it would break up pretty good, but left to my own devices I stagnate. that's my official stance.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

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Re: i don't know what to do anymore. [Re: leery11]
    #5898818 -

They are a globally recognised teaching english as a foreign language qualification. If you have it you can get a job anywhere in the world regardless of whether you speak the language or not, they mainly use you as a teaching aid. It's especially popular in China and Japan, lots of language schools will let you live in and give you a small wage. Lots of small colleges and nightschools offer it in the UK. You can even go and do the qualification in another country spending like 4 weeks in Peru or something, it is definately worth a look.
We all want someone to understand us and truly be present with us I guess. Maybe if we offered someone else that we would get it back? Who knows.

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