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 SkorpivoMusterion Livin in theTwilight Zone...   Registered: 01/30/03 Posts: 9,954 Loc: You can't spell |
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 This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first: John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary." Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us." Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?" John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you." Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?" John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass." Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..." Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?" Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..." John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us." Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?" Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..." Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?" John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town." Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?" Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you." Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?" John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money." Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?" John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it." Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?" Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street." Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?" John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'" Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game." John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit out of you." Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..." Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank." Me: "Then how do you kiss His ass?" John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on." Me: "Who's Karl?" Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times." Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?" John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."  Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead." Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper." Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting." John: "Of course, Hank dictated it." Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?" Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people." Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?" Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right." Me: "How do you figure that?" Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!" Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up." John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too." Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong." John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure." Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..." Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese." Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese." John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!" Me: "We do?" Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so." Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'" John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking." Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?" Mary: She blushes. John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong." Me: "What if I don't have a bun?" John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong." Me: "No relish? No Mustard?" Mary: She looks positively stricken. John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!" Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?" Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la." John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..." Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time." Mary: She faints. John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater." With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off. Ancient Judaism - If you are nice to one of Hank's close personal friends, they will kiss Hank's ass for you, and you'll get some money right away. If you get the shit kicked out of you instead, it's your own damn fault. Keep trying. Egyptian - Hank is still in town, but will get a million dollars from Bob, Joan, and Martha when he leaves. You can get some too, if you're able to hitch a ride in his limo. Greco-Roman - Hank and his dysfunctional family are suffering from some trust issues, and aren't giving out any money. It doesn't matter whose ass you kiss; the others will kick the shit out of you. Asatru (Norse) - Hank started a motorcycle gang and left town, but he shows up every now and then. If you want to join his gang and get the shit kicked out of you by another gang, all you have to do is kick the shit out of people who deserve it (or, alternatively, write really kickass rock and roll lyrics) until somebody makes you leave town. If you join Hank's gang, there's this huge nightclub outside of town, where we're having a blowout party. Anything goes there, even bunless wieners and all sorts of condiments Weak Atheism - Who is this Hank person, anyhow? I've never seen him. I think you guys are just making him up! Strong Atheism - There is no such person as Hank, and there is nothing outside of town. Take me off this list. Apatheism - I don't care about Hank or any of his money, and neither should you. Here, have some bubble wrap. Ethical Humanism - Let's kiss each other's asses, and then we can all share the million dollar ass-kissing reward. Whether you go for Hank's million dollars too is your own business. Scientific Pantheism - This is really an amazing Town, isn't it? Have you checked out the woods and the lake? There's really too much worth seeing and doing here in Town to worry about some guy's money or whether or not he's going to kick the shit out of you. I mean, get a life! Theistic Pantheism - We agree completely with the Scientific Pantheists, and we have named this town, all of its history, and its entire population "Hank". Christian Fundamentalism - Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town. If you don't, he's going to kick the shit out of you. Read Karl's list, it's important. Only eat wieners on buns, without condiments. Catholicism - Hank will give you a million dollars when you leave town, if he feels like it. We think that if you kiss his ass you're more likely to get the million, but it's completely up to him. Oh, and he might kick the shit out of you before he gives you the million dollars. If you want to help other people kiss Hank's ass, you are not allowed to eat wieners, not even in a bun. Karl has Hank's phone number, so nobody is allowed to question Karl's decisions, no matter how strange they may seem. By the way, we have old, elaborate buildings that you can use to kiss Hank's ass. Protestantism - It's OK, you don't have to kiss Hank's ass? but you'll want to, if you trust him. If you don't trust him, he's going to kick the shit out of you when you leave town. If you do trust him, he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town. Mormonism - If you kiss Hank's ass, after you leave town he'll give you a million dollars. Also, you'll get to wear his designer clothes, live in his condo and drive his Ferrari. Plus, if any of your relatives have already left town, he'll give them a million dollars and Ferraris, too! By the way, we have new, elaborate buildings that you can use to kiss Hank's ass, if you give us money. Christian Science - Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town plus free health insurance right now! If you don't kiss his ass, you'll have to pay all the doctor bills. Quaker - Hey, there's no need to pay any attention to Karl or his list. If you wait for it long enough, you'll eventually get a phone call from Hank. He'll let you know how to get a million dollars, what the moon is really made of, etc. You can kiss his ass over the phone, if you like. New Age Christian - You are Hank. You have a million dollars, but you've forgotten it because of the trauma of your Catholic upbringing. My new workshop series will help you remember where you hid it. Jehovah's Witnesses - Everybody in town should kiss Hank's ass, but only 144 are going to get a million dollars after Hank burns the town down, which we think will be Real Soon Now. Then he'll kick the shit out of anyone who didn't kiss his ass, and send the rest to a nicer, newer town. Here, have a pamphlet; it describes what we think we mean. We'll be back tomorrow to tell you why everyone else is kissing Hank's ass wrong. Exodus Ministries - We love you, and we want to help you heal yourself of this terrible sickness of eating wieners The Wrong Way. Let us teach you to enjoy wieners only in buns, without condiments. Then, and only then, will you be allowed to kiss Hank's ass and collect your million dollars when you leave town. Pentecostals - Kiss Hank's ass as often as you possibly can. He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town, and might even teach you a new language or two before you leave town, as long as you don't mind garggle frunning doowaddeck beeble. Presbyterians - You only have to kiss Hank's ass every now and then and it's OK to forget all about Hank when you're home. You may have bunless wieners, or wieners with condiments, but please - don't over do it. Brethren - Hey, kissing Hank's ass is a full time career. If you really wanted a million dollars you'd quit your job and join our organization. In addition to showing you how to kiss Hank's ass better than anybody in town, we'll teach essential urban survival skills, such as bicycle repair, dumpster diving, evasion tactics, and memorizing Karl's list. Episcopal - Hank gives everyone money when they leave town. How much money you get depends on how often you visit our big, elaborate buildings and sit, stand, or kneel while kissing Hank's ass. Anglicanism - A while back, our mayor wanted to throw away his half-eaten bun and put his wiener on a different bun, but still on a plain bun, no condiments. Karl said no, so the mayor recruited his own helpers and set up his own elaborate buildings in which one may kiss Hank's ass; and allowed himself and others to eat other buns and wieners (but still only one combo at a time.) We know, this doesn't have much to do with Hank, but hey, if it's good enough for the mayor, it's good enough for us. Metropolitan Community Church - Karl says to ignore that "wieners and buns" item on the list; it's not important anymore. Have all the naked wieners you want -- with sauerkraut even. While you're at it, kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town. Southern Baptist - OK y'all, it's really, really important that you read all of Karl's list, especially those parts about the Moon being made of cheese and the wieners with buns. If you have any questions, ask us, we know what Hank wants. And if you ever, ever insist on eating wieners without buns, or with condiments, or two wieners at the same time (ugh), we have Hank's permission to kick the shit out of you, or at the very least take away your job and picket your front yard. That bunless wiener stuff just ain't right. Televangelism - Hank really is out there, and he really wants to give you a million dollars. But he can't give you the million dollars he promised unless you kiss his ass. And if you don't, he's gonna have to kick the shit out of you. But never fear! I, Karl, have a solution that can get you Hank's million dollars. All you have to do is kiss mine and Hank's ass, and you'll be all set. Oh, and send me half your paycheck each month. It's going into...umm...Hank's Million-Dollar Savings Account. Yeah, that's the ticket! You'll get the money back as part of Hank's gift. Honest! Now pay attention while I recite my list from memory... Amish - Hank will definitely give you a million dollars as long as you kick your own ass every day while kissing his ass. You are only allowed to eat weiners that you process yourself on your own home-made buns. Condiments? Never heard of them. If you don't kick your own ass every day then Hank will do it for you, only he'll keep on doing it and doing it forever. Also, if you kick anyone else's ass, Hank will kick your ass even harder. Mennonite - The Amish kind of have the right idea about Hank, especially what you shouldn't be doing, but you really only have to slap your ass every day. Hank won't mind. He'll still give you the million dollars when you leave town. Unity (Unity School of Christianity) - Hank loves you and would never kick the shit out of you. Furthermore, Hank wants to give you a million dollars RIGHT NOW, not when you leave town. For this to happen, you don't have to kiss Hank's ass, but you do have to get your own ass in tune with Hank's. When your ass is vibrating at the same frequency as Hank's, you'll notice a great improvement in your life. Also, people inspired by Hank wrote a list explaining how to get your ass in tune with Hank's, but to really understand it, you can't read it literally...you sort of have to get your ass in tune with Hank's first, then read the list, to know what it really means. Got that? Finally, even though the list clearly says you must eat your weiners in buns, no condiments, when your ass is in tune with Hank's, you'll know this really means you can eat your weiners anyway you want. Confucianism - Kiss the mayor's ass, and/or do your best to make the town a better place. We have our own protocol list to show you how. You won't get a million dollars, but the townspeople might appreciate your efforts. Karl sometimes gets ticked off that we're not using his list instead of ours, but our items don't really conflict with his. Some of them are just completely different. Taoism - All asses and all dollars are all part of something important. We'd tell you more but you should figure it out yourself. Hinduism - You can Kiss Hank's ass, Sue's ass, and/or Bob's nose. If you leave town and nobody gives you a million dollars, you will probably end up coming back to town to kiss someone else's ass. Buddhism - Someone left a million dollars in your house. You can find the million dollars, but only if you forget that it is in your house. I Ching - Persevere to kiss ass -- riches will follow. No blame. Shinto - Hank is in the woods by the park. You should take a hike and kiss His ass. If you become famous you might want to change your name to "Hank" after you leave town, and then You can come back to the woods and the townies will kiss Your ass. Zen Buddhism - What is the sound of one lip kissing ass? If you answer this question correctly on our surrealistic game show, you can win a million dollars, but even before you get the prize you won't want it. Would you like some tea? Jainism - There is no wealthy philanthropist named Hank. You have amnesia. You've been traveling from one town to another, getting in trouble or playing the hero, racking up rewards or consequences for your actions, then forgetting all about them and moving on to the next town. If you want to break this awful cycle you have to take off all your clothes and stop eating wieners (with or without buns). When you finally leave town voluntarily without clothes or wieners, then your amnesia will go away and you'll realize you've been a billionaire all along. And hey, a billion dollars is better than a million. Nichiren Daishonin Buddhism - Make a phone call to yourself every day, and repeat the same phrases over and over. Doing this long enough can get you a million dollars, or at least a new car. Islamic Fundamentalism - Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town. If you don't, we're going to kick the shit out of you, and we might even make you leave town early. Nation of Islam - We have stars on ours, so we can kiss Hank's ass properly. Those without stars on thars are bad people; they will never get a million dollars. Shi'A Islam - A long time ago, Karl died. Then his father-in-law tried to make his own list, but we know Karl's wife hid the real list and gave it to her son. Listen to Karl's wife's son, or we'll kick the shit out of you. Sunni Islam - Baloney. You know Karl's father-in-law's list is the real one, and if you don't admit that, we'll kick the shit out of you. Sufism - If you read Karl's list (any version) you'll see that Hank really loves you a lot and wants to give you a million dollars. If you look closely at even the ugliest painting for a long time, you'll see Hank in there, smiling. Or you can just spin around in circles until you get dizzy. Scientology - You will be just like Hank once you learn how to kiss your own ass (for a small fee, we can show you how to do this), and then you can give yourself a million dollars. If you make fun of us while we're kissing our asses, we might kick the shit out of you or sue you for having fun at our expense. Discordianism - Look! Hank just kissed my ass! Oh, never mind, that's a pimple... Hey look! Flowers! Oh, my mistake? it's just a million dollars. Hey look! That cloud looks like a bunny! Wicca - Many years ago some people were forced to leave town early, and took all their teachings with them? secrets about Hank, his girlfriend Barbara, methods to kiss their asses and vice versa. Since then, those of us who kiss ass the old fashioned way have had to make some stuff up, but we think we?re on the right track. You can join our various ass-kissing groups, some quite different from others. We?re pretty lenient on the wieners, buns, and condiments issue. We mostly disagree about what the Moon is made of, or whether there?s a million dollars outside of town. Devil Worship - What the heck, kiss knaH's ass. Heaven's Gate - Kiss Karl's ass, and -- oh, wait, Karl just saw Hank's limo drive by. We're leaving town NOW to catch it. SubGenius - KISS YOUR OWN ASS! "Hank" is an ALIEN UNDERWATER BANKER from the Island of the FAMOUS SEX ACTRESSES who have a whole encyclopedia of recipes with sauerkraut and if you kiss Karl's ass just once and send us three dollars, he'll make sure that you get your a million dollars, and all the sauerkraut you can eat! But wait, there's more! If you're not completely satisfied, Karl will kiss your ass three times! This is a limited time offer, so act now -- Hank's buddies are planning to carpet bomb the town next Wednesday. Did we mention the luscious, mouth-watering sauerkraut?... Amway - Do whatever you like with or without Hank, the important thing to remember is to kiss lots of ass. You kiss my ass and recruit people to kiss your ass in return, and so on. When you have enough people kissing your ass you'll get lots of money, and before you leave town even! Honest. Remember, you must teach your ass kissers not only to kiss your ass, but mine, my up-line, his-up-line all the way to Rich and Jay! Any condiments you use must be purchased from me. Kibology - Hank is still here in town! His ass is most likely a government plot, written by himself. He became a billionaire and has spent the rest of his life watching the movie Paddle to the Sea too many times. He allows us to eat wieners any way we want, but please don't eat any wiener dogs named Spot (just in case). You can have a million dollars when you leave town, but it's hidden inside the aliens desguised as orange traffic cones, and only the ones along busy freeways. While in town you'll get your ass kicked by knaH. For no reason. You just will. Twelve-Step Group Therapy - If you are addicted to, say, wieners, there's help! Just follow these steps to full recovery: 1. Admit you are powerless over wieners, 2. and insane too. 3. Convince yourself that this billionaire philanthropist named Hank can cure you. 4. Give almost everything you own to Hank. 5. Take a good look at yourself, 6. and continue to admit to Hank, yourself, and somebody else that you are one sick wiener lover. 7. Find Hank, or send him an email asking for help. 8. Meanwhile, list all the people you pissed off, 9. and make amends to them all ? unless they don't want you around. 10. When you screw up and take a little bite of a wiener, don't keep it a secret. 11. Try your darnedest to find Hank's personal telephone number. 12. Do your best to spread these techniques to other wiener abusers. Modern Satanism - There is no Hank. You are Karl. Make your own list as you see fit. Eat as many wieners as you want, any way you want, even with a large group of consenting individuals if you want! Take pride in your wiener-eating. Make up large, elaborate ceremonies revolving around the kissing of your own ass, having them photographed and videotaped by the media if possible. Judaism - OK, so don't kiss Hank's ass, see if I care. He wouldn't give you a million dollars even if you did. And if he's going to kick the shit out of anyone, it'll be here, in town. Unitarianism - Hank 101: We help you explore all of the different people named Hank that may or may not be out there, and how to maybe get your million dollars, if it exists. Various methods of kissing Hank's ass are discussed, with extra credit for completed experiments. Rastafarianism - Hank was just here last week and I was kissing his ass, but for some reason he left town without giving me a million dollars. Oh well? guess I'll smoke some weed. Gnosticism - Hank was a powerful con man who made a lot of trouble while he was here, left town a while back and doesn't have a cent to his name. There's a rumor of Somebody Else with loads of money Somewhere, whose ass is certainly worth kissing, but you can only kiss it after you leave town. Baha'i - It's true! When you leave town Hank will give you a million dollars. Everything that you hear about Hank has some truth to it; eventually we'll all come to some agreement and everybody in town will be much happier. Oh, one more little thing: Hank definitely doesn't want you to eat wieners unless they're on buns, without condiments. Zoroastrianism - Don't bother kissing Hank's ass. Since our parents met Hank before anybody else he's not interested in people (other than us) kissing his ass. He's planning on coming back and cleaning up the town someday, after he gives away money and kicks some shit out of people who leave town. Unificationism - Hank went a little crazy after a gardening experiment went bad, so one of his split personalities started the whole Kiss Hank's Ass thing. Then a couple years later, another personality manifested Itself, claiming he was Hank's son Chris. He got the shit kicked out of him and was thrown out of town and said because he got thrown out you should kiss his ass now. Then he gave Karl a phone call and told him that as long as we start to treat each other real nice, he'll come back really soon and give everyone in town a million dollars. You should give Karl a lot of cash in the meantime because since we aren't ready for Hank to come back to town right now he needs help in getting the message out and stamps aren't free. Deism - Hank helped build this town, but the list was entirely Karl's creation. Hank may have left clues around town about what he wants; Karl's list is most likely bogus. Don't take anybody's word for what Hank wants unless Hank tells it to you personally. Oh, and don't worry about the million bucks until after you've left town. Solipsism - I am Hank. I built the town. I have the million dollars. Unfortunately, the negative side of my unconscious mind has a lot of influence on my conscious behavior so I will end up kicking my own ass if I don't kiss my own ass. Objectivism - Screw Hank and Karl! I can make my own million dollars... right after I kick both of their asses. Existentialism - No matter what you do, Hank will kick your ass so there's no point in bothering to kiss his ass or trying to leave town. The million dollars is a myth. Nihilism - There is no Hank, there is no Karl, there is no million dollars and there isn't even a town but if you go kiss or kick a few people's asses you might at least have fun.  http://www.wunderland.com/WTS/Gi -------------------- Coffee should be black as hell, strong as death, and sweet as love.
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Silversoul Rhizome   Registered: 01/01/05 Posts: 23,576 Loc: The Barricades |
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The entry for Objectivism should include something about condiments being irrational.
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Le_Canard The Duk Abides  Registered: 05/16/03 Posts: 94,392 Loc: Earthfarm 1 
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 ! Great post! I particularly liked the Subgenius part. 
Edited by Le_Canard (01/23/06 12:41 AM)
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SkorpivoMusterion Livin in theTwilight Zone... Registered: 01/30/03 Posts: 9,954 Loc: You can't spell |
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I am most certain this thread will boost Hanky's ego through the roof.. and beyond.
Grizz, I apologize. -------------------- Coffee should be black as hell, strong as death, and sweet as love.
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spud I'm so fly.  Registered: 10/07/02 Posts: 44,410 |
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Great post! Very enjoyable read!
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Noetical Flip Horrorshow  Registered: 11/28/04 Posts: 9,230 |
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The climax for me was Zoroastrianism.
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 mikeownow Humungus fungus  Registered: 09/01/05 Posts: 2,856 Loc: WA,USA Last seen: 19 years, 10 months |
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this thread is amazing ><
-------------------- No statements made in any post or message by myself should be construed to mean that I am now, or have ever been, participating in or considering participation in any activities in violation of any local, state, or federal laws. All posts are works of fiction.
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Shroomism Space Travellin  Registered: 02/13/00 Posts: 66,015 Loc: 9th Dimension
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A young man received the following letter from his mother last week. She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.
Dear Son, The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk is you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did, what an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ Go!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach". I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teen age grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing.. why, even he was enjoying the religious experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attend. This is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning and drove on through that intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks. A hippie dies and goes to the Pearly Gates. God says, "I'm sorry, but you'll be going down to Hell." The hippie is astounded. "God!" he says. "Remember that time I was tripping on acid? I saw you, and you said we'd be together in Heaven forever!" God thinks for a minute, then replies, "Oh yeah, but I was drunk." Jesus, Joseph, and Mary were doing chores around their home in Nazareth when suddenly Jesus ran outside to Joseph. "Did you just call me?" he asked. "No, I'm sorry," Joseph replied, "I just hit my thumb with the hammer again." It was getting overcrowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. Starting at 12:00 the next day, in order to get into Heaven you had to have a really bummer day on the day you died. 12:01 the next day, a man came to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked him how the day was going when he died. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment for lunch. My wife was in bed naked and some guy's clothes were spread all over the place. I searched the entire apartment, but couldn't find her lover. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out the window and saw a man hanging off the balcony by his fingertips! So I ran out there and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, so he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. I went back inside to find something to throw at him, but the only thing I could find was the refrigerator. I was in such a rage that I grabbed it and threw it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The strain of lifting the refrigerator was so great that I had a heart attack and died." St. Peter thought for a moment. "Technically, you did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. Sir, welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven!" A few seconds later Vernon Jordan arrived. "Mr. Jordan, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." Jordan said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure, so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side. Luckily, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes out of his apartment and stomps on my fingers. Some bushes at the bottom broke my fall. I was unable to move and in excruciating pain. Then the guy threw a refrigerator off the balcony, which killed me instantly." St. Peter is quietly laughing to himself as Jordan finishes his story. "Sir, you definitely had a bummer day," Peter announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven." A few seconds later, St. Peter is shocked to see Bill Clinton coming up to the gate. "Mr. President, please tell me what happened the day you died." Clinton says, "Okay, picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator..." -------------------- 
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CaRnAgECaNdY Tool's groupie   Registered: 04/09/04 Posts: 11,505 Loc: Billy Howerdel's
Last seen: 3 years, 2 months |
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-------------------- 
The secret to being funny is to say smart things stupidly, or is it stupid things smartly? Whatever..it's not rocket surgery...or something like that.
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Shroomism Space Travellin Registered: 02/13/00 Posts: 66,015 Loc: 9th Dimension
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After God created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. God said, "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you."
Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?" The answer came back, "An arm and a leg." Adam replied, "What can I get for a rib?" Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic? He stayed awake all night wondering if there really is a dog What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang up a picture of Jesus. What did the Zen Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything What do you call a Muslim roofing contractor? Shiite on a shingle Jesus was out walking one day, when he came across a stoning. Jesus looked at the crowd and then said, "The person amongst this crowd who has no sin shall throw the first stone." A man at the back of the crowd yelled, "Come on, Jesus! You always want to go first!" On the third day, Jesus rose, shoved open the door of his tomb, and walked again on earth. As he was leaving, a passer-by pointed out that Jesus had left the door open. "What's the matter with you?" he said. "Born in a barn?" A fellow was visiting the Vatican and became separated from his tour group. After wandering for awhile, he needed to relieve himself. He finally found a bathroom and wandered in. You can imagine his surprise to discover the Pope sitting on the toilet masturbating. Figuring that this would be an attraction few tourists ever saw, he snapped a couple of pictures. The Pope managed to recover his composure and offered the fellow $10,000 for the camera. The fellow decide to take him up on the offer and an exchange was arranged. The camera was a pretty nice unit, so, after disposing of the film, the Pope decided he would use it on his world travels. One day while visiting a foreign country, one of the faithful noticed the Pope's camera and remarked that it was quite a unit. He then asked, "How much did you pay for it?" "Ten thousand dollars." "Wow, the guy who sold you that must have seen you coming!" Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying, "Yo!" A Muslim optimist looks on the Sunni side of life. A Muslim pessimist says, "Aw, Shi'ite!" THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK 1. He called everybody brother 2. He had no permanent address 3. Nobody would hire him THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH 1. He went into his father's business 2. He lived at home until the age of 33 3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH 1. He never got married 2. He never held a steady job 3. His last request was a drink THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN 1. He talked with his hands 2. He had wine with every meal 3. He worked in the building trades THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN 1. He never cut his hair 2. He walked around barefoot 3. He invented a new religion THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN 1. His first name was Jesus 2. He was always in trouble with the law 3. His mother did not know who his father was THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CULTIST 1. He formed his own secret group of 12 followers 2. He claimed he had special connection to God 3. On the third day after his death he went up to the spaceship THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IN ADVERTISING 1. He found himself regularly praying for mercy 2. He liked to make big speeches at supper 3. He was adamant that even the most whopping sins can be forgiven THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A RASTAFARIAN 1. He was from Babylon 2. He wore dread locks 3. His picture is on the zig-zag package+ An old man went into the confession booth at the Catholic church and told the priest: "I am 82 years old and have been faithfully married to the same woman for 55 years, but last night I had the time of my life with two 18 year old twin sisters." The Priest replied (as he mopped sweat from his brow): "How long has it been since you've been to confession?" The old man said, "I've never been to confession. I'm Jewish." Priest: "Then what are you doing here, telling me this?" Old man: "Hey, I'm telling everybody." --------------------
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seeker Curator ofBarbar  Registered: 03/22/02 Posts: 128 Loc: between Here and Last seen: 20 years, 7 days |
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Jesus, Mosses, and an old man are playing golf.
Mosses tees-off on a par three and his ball heads right for a water hazard. As the ball nears the surface the water parts. The ball bounces off the rocky bottom and lands on the edge of the green. Jesus tees-off and again the ball heads for the water hazard. This time the ball bounces across the water itself and lands two feet from the hole. The old man tees-off and lands it right in the water, but as the group heads for the hazard they notice some splashing. Just then a small fish leaps out of the water in front of them, and as it begins to come down is snatched out of the air by a passing hawk. As the hawk flies away with his meal a small white object falls from the fishes mouth an lands in the hole. Upon seeing this Mosses turns to Jesus and says,"You know I love your dad, but what do you think about leaving him at the clubhouse next time?" One day God calls all the angels together. "Okay guys," He said, "I've pretty much got this whole universe thing up and running. Mans in the garden, and all the heavenly bodies seem to be in place, so before we get this show started are there any suggestions? Anyone? Lucifer?" "Well," said Lucifer, "How about free will?" "Hey, thats a great idea," God said, *Snap* "There its done. Now, what do you feel like doing?" "Gee," said Lucifer, "I don't know. I've never thought about it before." "Oh, okay," said God, "In that case lets start with an easy one. Smoking or Non-smoking?" The meek shall inherit the earth... ...about six feet at a time. -------------------- In a state of anarchy every individual is their own kingdom. Thou art God (but so am i  )
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Diploid Cuban   Registered: 01/09/03 Posts: 19,274 Loc: Rabbit Hole |
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Didn't Hank(y) get banned for that incident with a chicken?
-------------------- Republican Values: 1) You can't get married to your spouse who is the same sex as you. 2) You can't have an abortion no matter how much you don't want a child. 3) You can't have a certain plant in your possession or you'll get locked up with a rapist and a murderer. 4) We need a smaller, less-intrusive government.
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Hanky_discontinued Ħōł  Registered: 11/10/05 Posts: 6,080 Loc: Fatty Bread, fat Last seen: 20 years, 3 months |
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No, I got banned for something different.
PS: I don't like people kissing my ass. -------------------- 
Teragon said: Shine off you fucking twat! Liz said: I recently deleted my 37 gigs of horse porn so I have none to post Phumfeinz said: Jesus fucking Christ, put on your tin foil hat and climb in the microwave, dickhead.
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SkorpivoMusterion Livin in theTwilight Zone... Registered: 01/30/03 Posts: 9,954 Loc: You can't spell |
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PS: I don't like people kissing my ass.
Hi Karl. Nice picture of Hanky's ass you got there in your avatar. -------------------- Coffee should be black as hell, strong as death, and sweet as love.
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Hanky_discontinued Ħōł Registered: 11/10/05 Posts: 6,080 Loc: Fatty Bread, fat Last seen: 20 years, 3 months |
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That's my dogs ass.
--------------------
Teragon said: Shine off you fucking twat! Liz said: I recently deleted my 37 gigs of horse porn so I have none to post Phumfeinz said: Jesus fucking Christ, put on your tin foil hat and climb in the microwave, dickhead.
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Microcosmatrix Spiral staircase  Registered: 10/20/05 Posts: 11,293 Loc: Ythan's house Last seen: 19 years, 9 months |
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This thread is about you he said hanky
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Pat Bateman, VP Dr. House's Insp  Registered: 10/15/04 Posts: 50,876 Loc: Inconceivable op |
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great thread skorp
alas i'm too tired to read past the first half right now, but i shall later -------------------- Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow? No, says the man in Washington; it belongs to the poor. No, says the man in the Vatican; it belongs to God. No, says the man in Moscow; it belongs to everyone. I rejected those answers. Instead, I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose... Rapture. - Andrew Ryan  
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