annonymous2 said:

Yes I have the same story. When I was maybe 12 or 13, I wanted to see girls my own age... and like you, unfortunately I was smart enough to find it. I started with nudist sites and eventually fell on really sick shit using filesharing. Like you I kept doing it when I was old enough for it to be completely inappropriate, i.e late teens.. I hated myself more and more, to the point of almost suicide, I lived in constant paranoia.. I kept doing it to feel worse and worse and give myself more and more reasons to hate myself, even though it absolutely revolted the hell out of me. Finally I got myself out, and have been clean ever since.. I'm 25 now and I stopped 5 or 6 years ago. I have no, I mean no desires in that direction, it just disgusts me and if I find it by accident browsing, I report it to the police immediately - I figure it's the least I can do.

But my life is already ruined, what I've seen haunts me every second of every day, it has for the last 10 years. I can't remove the images from my mind, I quit high school early in depression from this, I've never kissed a girl (at 25 that's pretty bad), I constantly fight a battle against overwhelming, crushing guilt, and I feel that all my friends would detest me if they knew what I've done. Like you, it has decimated my self-confidence and self-esteem, I can see nothing worthwhile in myself after doing that. I can't live with myself and I feel that I'm closer to suicide every day. It's such a cruel joke, to utterly and completely ruin your life when you're too young to understand the enormity of what you're doing, but it's done.

I guess I'm in exactly the same position as you... it's impossible to forgive myself for something like that, maybe it doesn't deserve forgiveness... but I can never risk telling anyone else, and seeing if I'm right, see if they could forgive me for it, even my best friends - imagine how they would look at me. Too hard to risk.

So yeah, I understand, it's amazingly hard to live with something that disgusting and huge in your past...always alone, and knowing it's not even something you should be excused for.

If you find a way to live with that, let me know, I'd love to find out myself, the guilt from that is so enormous and really has completely overshadowed and destroyed literally my whole life, it's horrific.

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Well I am feeling much better about myself now, but it has taken a lot of work. 2 years ago I dropped out for 8 months after an eye-opening mushroom trip, sold nearly everything I owned, and traveled throughout Nepal and India, journaling every other day, and striving to understand my mind and what lies at the root of its self-destructive tendencies and habit-patterns. During various meditation retreats such as Vipassana, I discovered that this issue was at the root of the majority of them, among other events done by my hands or that were done to me.

Simply being open about it with yourself and shedding light on it is the first step to overcoming the darkness that it creates.

Also, look at this thread, no one here wants to hate you for what you've done to yourself. They want to help. I for one recognize that we as humans are connected more than most people realize. I don't want for anyone to be miserable, as I don't want to live next to their misery. Besides, it is not up to anyone to forgive you, especially in this scenario. All you need to do is to understand, and through understanding, and through expressing true remorse for wherever you may have felt that you actually crossed the line, finally forgive yourself and try to realize and accept on a deep level that no one is perfect, and that every single person on this planet makes mistakes. It will not happen overnight, it will happen gradually as the light of your awareness heals your mind and reconnects it to your soul.

Personally for me it took a high dose magic mushroom trip to initially break through the self-loathing barrier that had become my ego. And when I finally had that breakthrough experience, I felt like myself again, I felt alive and truly in my body, clear and awake, and could do nothing but drop to my knees and cry. I had to experience all of my karma that had accumulated over the years, and let myself suffer for it, before I could finally feel like I could let it go.

And in the end, the way I really feel about it, is I'm glad it happened. I never would have grown as much on the inside had I not gone through so much shit. I am a better person for it.

Hope this helped

Anonymous said:

FYI the age of consent in spain is 13. 14 in quite a few other countries.

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