watching child porn as an adolescent

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Anonymous #1

watching child porn as an adolescent

#15641891 - 01/09/12 09:23 PM (14 years, 9 months ago)

So this is a difficult one for me to talk about, and in all honesty I have not shared this with anyone, not even a therapist. In saying that, I hope that any responses are serious and considerate. Here goes:

Much of the guilt in my life and destruction of my self image has been attributed to a single action that occured a number of times from the age 12 to about age 17 or 18, when I stopped, realizing the effect it had on my psyche and self-confidence, and feeling that it was no longer justified as being morally acceptable by that age. To put it plainly, the act is this:

At age 11 or so I started getting into the internet, and consequently, internet porn, of which I was fascinated. But the argument I always had was that I wanted to see girls that were my age, the ones that I was attracted to. Of course, this was virtually impossible to find on all the widely known porn sites, as it is now. Yet, being good at solving problems, I decided to figure out how to solve this one. And unfortunately for my sake, I did. I won't say how and with what engine exactly, but I was able to find what I was looking for online.

After doing it, I felt relieved of the temptation, and told myself that there was nothing wrong with it since I was the same age. I still however knew that it was dangerous territory, especially the risk of my parents finding out, or getting in trouble themselves for this in some way. And so I only satisfied this desire on rare occasion, maybe 3 or 4 times per year, or less in later years. I did not at that time understand the implications this action might have on my self-confidence and self-image, and so continued. That is, until I started to get older and feel guilty about it. The sexual urge was still there in my mid teens, but I was questioning the moral righteousness of the action. It came to the point where, sadly, I would desire it even more strongly as it became more of a taboo for me, and I think this is where it became a problem. Knowing it might be wrong, and yet continuing to do it. Being unable to resist the urge, and then feeling horribly guilty after satisfying it.

Eventually, I started to notice that it was destroying my self-image and self-respect, as I slowly began to hate myself. I realized that it affected the way I felt amongst people and in getting closer to women, as I now felt like I had this horrible secret to hide. And so at the age of 17 or 18, I stopped completely, and haven't searched for it since, a fact I am proud of. The desire lingered for some time in the years after, but is pretty much non-existent today, at age 24.

I have dealt with the complete destruction of my self-image and self-confidence due to this, and ultimately admit that it is the action I regret most in my life. It has caused much fear in a number of different areas, especially in simply being in the presence of children, which at times has been unbearable and I'm sure easy for mothers to read. This hurts me a lot because I, in particular, love kids, and look forward to having some of my own some day. This fear I believe is slowly receding with time, and by bringing this problem into awareness (hence the reason for this post), and also by becoming closer to my niece who is 3. I, in a way, feel that she has saved me because she is helping me to get over this fear and to realize that that is not who I am. That this desire is no longer there, and that my acting on it at that time was justifiable due to my age.

And so I ask:

What are your honest thoughts about this?

Do you think it was morally acceptable considering my age and the fact that I stopped completely?

Do you have any advice or words of wisdom?

Anyone have a similar story?

Thanks to those who have read through this, and to those that respond with consideration to the sensitivity of the matter :sun:

Extras:

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