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fsih
    #2184364 -

I go crazy when I don't sleep. My thoughts parallel the thoughts that enter my mind on intense mushroom trips, the difference being that I have the capacity and focus to actually dive into them. No multi-colored flying rabbits to distract me. This is not a good thing.

I think about things with a very firm grip on the literality of everything. How everything really is, when I visualize myself in this mindstate I don't see a person, or someone who likes drawing and sports, or cartoons and comics. I see a shell hosting many different minds which are all tied together, programmed to function as part of a system.. with hundreds of little sub-systems functioning within it to complete its tasks.. pointless tasks that only lead to other pointless tasks, so that maybe possibly one day some of it might have a point?

Normally the solution to all of this would simply be to sleep. Well, often times I don't. For other various reasons I simply do not sleep very often. I work and visualize things so much better at night.. when there are no distractions I can't(don't) go to sleep when I should because I'm only just getting into the full swing of my productivity.. and then when daytime rolls around, theres lots of stuff to do. People to interact with, and places to go.

I know I'm hurting myself, its always present in the back of my mind. But, I continue to do it.. its so strange, its like how I can't yell when others are sleeping.. even when I conciously tell myself to yell, and try with all my might to make myself yell. I can't. My concious mind doesn't have the tightest hold in my head.. and that bothers me =\

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Re: fsih [Re: Jared]
    #2184410 -

I understand completely. I average about 2 hours of sleep at night. I spend the night sitting awake in bed questioning why I am here and what the hell is going wrong with the world. Frequently it drives me to the edge of sanity. I have to say that the only thing that gives me comfort is the fact that someday this will all be over and I won't have to deal with it again. I find much comfory in the Bible (especially in the book of Ecclesiastes). I have found that everything besides my faith in God leaves me empty inside and full of doubt. I still have many problems, but God does help me through them with his word. If it wasn't for him I would have killed myself by now. I hope this helps you some. If you want to know anything else feel free to PM me and I will try and explain how God helps me and can do the same for you.


--------------------
"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience." - C.S. Lewis

"I would rather be exposed to the inconveniencies attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it." - Thomas Jefferson

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Re: fsih [Re: z@z.com]
    #2185481 -

Whatever gets you through life... and makes you find comfort in your heart is good for you. What makes you sleep at night and helps you steer clear of trouble is good for sleep.

You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.
--Albert Camus

Edited by The_Red_Crayon (12/17/03 04:16 PM)

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