Hi!
My latest two trips alone has been somewhat scary, this is what happened:
On one trip a while ago, I tried to know things that I just could't know, things such as what is the point with all this, what happens after death, e.t.c. and I could't stop thinking about things like this and I had no answers either, since I have no religion there is no belief I can slap on it and drop it. So basically whole peak I sat confused in anxiety having those thoughts/questions just coming and coming and no answers, I had to go and distract myself in order for those thoughts to stop, but as soon as I had nothing to do they came back.
Next trip alone same thing happened as above, this time I figured distraction did't work too well last time so I will just stop thinking for a while, so I sat in meditation. Meditation worked in the begging, I would guess for about 15 minutes, but then meditation broke down and thought started coming again.
More I sat in meditation the less connection with this reality I felt, nothing made cense, there was no right and wrong, no true and false. Everything I knew I forgot, I was in a state with zero certainty. But that was the easy part the part I am concerned about is this:
After a while in meditation those thoughts mentioned above, total confusion could be ignored, it is hard to describe but those thought was just flowing like water and I was just present but not attached to them, I was not my thoughts so to speak. And I could walk in my mind it is hard to describe how but:
I could move to different places horizontally which controlled what kind of thoughts I had, but I could also move vertically go deeper into my mind. And this is what this post is really about:
Deeper I went more scary and crazy it got, it got darker and more evil, until I finally hit the core, it felt like a compressed dark matter and as soon as I got close to it all kind of evil thoughts came to mind, monsters, pain, death, screams, madness. I spent few minutes being there, bordering madness but then I had to stop meditation because I was afraid being there in that mindset, being so close to madness.
When I stopped meditation it all went away and came back to a normal trip.
I an concerned about this, it really felt that if I would to cross that line into the madness I would not come out of it the same person I was going in.
As a sober person though not psychologist I could guess that there is some traumas I experienced that are buried deep in the bran that I probably touched. But still I am afraid to go there because loosing my mind feels like a real threat if I do.
Has anyone experienced something like this? Should I stop meditating and go deep while on mushrooms? Has anyone gone into madness and remained the same person afterwards?
I take mushrooms and meditate as a means of self exploration, but I feel that I have hit a wall, I can not go deeper because there is only madness left to explore.
-------------------- My blog with thoughts I get.
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Drugs are paradoxical, you think you can solve all the worlds problems with philosophy, but if you drop a coin you will never fucking find it.
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