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The Life and Death of the current Me
    #7031623 -

Tuesday will be my birthday. By everything we know this should be a happy
day for me, I will be 23, young at the beginning of my life, I have a job paying
my age an hour, I live in a beautiful condo in the French Quarter in New
Orleans, and I even have a gorgeous girlfriend whom I love very much. But it
will not be one, for my day will be like every other where I go off to work, drag
through my day of torture at work with my brother who I can no longer stand,
get off work and promptly make myself a rum and coke, which I will drink
(along with many others, same as yesterday) while I make my birthday cake
alone and while it bakes I’ll clean myself up from my hot, terrible day. When I’m
done I will cut myself a big piece and feed it to my dog, then I will die. Not in a
killing myself way, suicide is for the weak who can’t cope with the fact that
life isn’t a cycle of worst ever lows and never as high as before highs, but in
the death of who I am, everything I have been and all the plans I had in life.

For five years, four months, 27 days and about 5 hours (respectively to
not knowing the exact time) been completely infatuated with my girlfriend,
spending my life, even In horrid times of no money, shit jobs and crappy living
conditions always thought, “At least I have her, at least I have a girlfriend who
is there for me, I’m there for her, everything will turn out fine as long as I have
that.” Now, all of those things are gone, I have a dream place in a dream town
with a dream wage for a tradesmen, but all of that happiness I had when it
wasn’t there is gone.

I can hardly remember now a time when my happiness was there, but it
was no time ago at all… only 5 months ago I sat with my girlfriend and planned
a happy future in this new town, I began playing music again which I had
forgotten made me so happy, and reunited with my brother who I love and
respect. But in that short time it was all gone, now I hate my days, my nights,
every waking moment I sit and think about how today is worse than
yesterday, making today the worst day of my life. Then the thought of
tomorrow creeps into my head, how it will probably trump today, and the
future shows no promise.

But that is over; the death of me will be marked on my birthday. I don’t
know the date of resurrection, it may take week, and it may take longer. I’m
sure it will be marked by very heavy drinking and constant self-loathing, but it
will fucking happen. I can’t stand this me anymore, so I’ve got to smash it to
bits and reform it in to, hopefully, some sort of thing that resembles a human
who can find happiness in life. Birth, 6/12/84 – Death of all I am, 6/12/07,
Rebirth, Soon to come.


--------------------
"I would never advocate Drugs, Alcohol, and Violence to anyone, but they sure worked for me."
Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
RIP
"Everything works, it just works better if youre not a jackass." Omnicracker

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Re: The Life and Death of the current Me [Re: Cub_Mycologist]
    #7031809 -

you have to quit your job then you know, there is no other option. i don't know what that will do to you

and what i say is irresponsible

but this notion of responsibility has killed many a good man via slavery.

there's always a way.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

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Re: The Life and Death of the current Me [Re: leery11]
    #7031828 -

no need to kill yourself or smash yourself or anything of the sort.
the self is continuously ploughed through by life and it is constantly renewed
best let go of the stickiest goo.
so the renewal comes up cleaner.

23
bravo!
more to come.


--------------------
:brainfart: _ :finger:

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Re: The Life and Death of the current Me [Re: redgreenvines]
    #7032009 -

no no, its much deeper than the girl, I feel like i haven't done any thing that I really
wanted to do, or to be anything I wanted to be. I may even stay with her, Its
really up to me, she isn't leaving, its a change in personality, or more of a purge
of my current, i feel subdued, like me isn't getting through truly. but it will.

and don't think I really mean killing myself, that would be stupid, as well as quitting
my job, I will toil in hell to live here, its better than living in hell to go to your happy
job.


--------------------
"I would never advocate Drugs, Alcohol, and Violence to anyone, but they sure worked for me."
Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
RIP
"Everything works, it just works better if youre not a jackass." Omnicracker

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Re: The Life and Death of the current Me [Re: Cub_Mycologist]
    #7032569 -

rebirths are good. cleansing of the soul. the cleansing of the doors of perecption. you need a focus. from all the distractions of babylon. working for nothing really takes it out of you. u need to have a good job, pay shouldnt be the most important thing


--------------------
God says dance with your heart
And shake free of you desire

Where theres a will theres always a way
When you get confused listen to the music play


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Re: The Life and Death of the current Me [Re: Cub_Mycologist]
    #7032584 -

Just let the minutes, hours and days pass by, man, u will be reborn again. U will have new priorities and focus in life.

At least that has been my experience, letting time heal me.

Take care.


--------------------
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy - Ambrose Bierce

Medical science has confirmed what the male world has known intuitively for millenia: that scratching your ass is a great aid to complex thinking.

Its God's responsibility to forgive the terrorist organizations such as Jaish, Lashkar etc.
Its our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and god."
- Indian Armed Forces

"Hey Monkey!! Get Funky" - Tarzan and Jane

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Re: The Life and Death of the current Me [Re: Cub_Mycologist]
    #7032820 -

No offense but you're whining.

If you don't like it then it's up to you to change it. If you can't accept that change is constant then you will continue to bemoan how your life isn't up to your standards.

Welcome to the human race.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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Re: The Life and Death of the current Me [Re: Icelander]
    #7033396 -

haha seriously man. life is fucking grand. be lucky you are still on this earth breathing and instead of just lying around feeling sorry for yourself get up and do something.

i dont believe in an anthropomorphic god but i read a humorous quote yesterday where the guy said god creates us and then waits till we get boring and then kills us off. obviously a bit extreme but the point is life is short (or long) but either way enjoy it while it lasts.

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Re: The Life and Death of the current Me [Re: evolprim]
    #7033721 -

I'm not whining, I just said I was going to change myself to what makes me
happy. I was just looking for a place to vent my current feelings.

And life is not grand, it is a constant struggle to end up not really as happy as you
hoped you would be, which I have come to accept with no problem at all. I just
have to find a way to make the space between the good times of life shorter,
something that makes me content... happiness is a fleeting thing.

Life Death and Rebirth are things to be celebrated, I'm not sad I must do this,
I'm just trying to document it in some kind of way.

And pay is the most important thing, in NO its the difference between living in a
flooded out, burnt down Crack Hood (not crack house, an entire community of
crack smoking trash, no offense to those who smoke a rock every now and
then and can hold it together) and living in a postcard perfect community of
drunks and gutter punks, ill take the drunks, better to live in heaven and work in
hell than vice verca.


--------------------
"I would never advocate Drugs, Alcohol, and Violence to anyone, but they sure worked for me."
Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
RIP
"Everything works, it just works better if youre not a jackass." Omnicracker

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Re: The Life and Death of the current Me [Re: Cub_Mycologist]
    #7034085 -

Emo lol. any who its good that you want to make a difference but maybe its the call of the crying world that makes you so unhappy, that all the other peoples suffering, their silent screams that are only heard in the subconscious of people that live the "good" life, you might just be one of the people in the good life that just cant block out those screams and listen but dont recognize what it is, so it makes this life you lead that is suppose to be good by the standards of this country pain.

this so called "good" life the so called American dream is hog wash and bullshit. its lies built on perpetual lies. theres a such thing as Utopian society but it comes a great sacrifice and responsibility and few are willing to make that happen and thats part of why the world crys it talks to those few that are willing and knows their pain


i feel a bit poetic like a beatnik with that lol

i dunno it sounds like you need to soul search and ask youself is that what your soul really calls for and is that really your (soul/sole) mate


--------------------

"You all are just  puppets... You have no heart...and cannot feel any pain...""
you may think thats pain you feel but you must have a heart to feel true pain and that pain wont be yours

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Re: The Life and Death of the current Me [Re: thedudenj]
    #7034125 -

close to whining but less undignified
is exhaustion, weariness, and the expression of ennui

it's natural too,
the more I get it
the more I know I was doing real good the day before


--------------------
:brainfart: _ :finger:

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Re: The Life and Death of the current Me [Re: redgreenvines]
    #7034140 -

exhaustion, weariness, and the expression of utter boredom?


--------------------
Let it not be remembered
That mycelium eats detritus and dies
But that life in all it's glory
Counts mycelium to be on it's side.

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Re: The Life and Death of the current Me [Re: Booby]
    #7034148 -

aww dont be so mean hes just venting and has some inner holes hes got to fill with the right stuff


--------------------

"You all are just  puppets... You have no heart...and cannot feel any pain...""
you may think thats pain you feel but you must have a heart to feel true pain and that pain wont be yours

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Re: The Life and Death of the current Me [Re: thedudenj]
    #7034167 -

Sally isn't enough?


--------------------
Let it not be remembered
That mycelium eats detritus and dies
But that life in all it's glory
Counts mycelium to be on it's side.

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Re: The Life and Death of the current Me [Re: Booby]
    #7034222 -

not if you get lucky


--------------------
:brainfart: _ :finger:

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Re: The Life and Death of the current Me [Re: Cub_Mycologist]
    #7034514 -

And life is not grand, it is a constant struggle to end up not really as happy as you
hoped you would be,

Speak for yourself.;)


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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Re: The Life and Death of the current Me [Re: Cub_Mycologist]
    #7034600 -

What exactly is so terrible about your circumstances? :what:


--------------------
:redpanda:
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
:heartpump: :bunnyhug: :yinyang:

:yinyang: :levitate: :earth: :levitate: :yinyang:

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Re: The Life and Death of the current Me [Re: Cub_Mycologist]
    #7035024 -

Hey, want some cheese to go with that whine?
I married my psycho ex-wife a year and a day before you were born (6/11/83).
I was 23, 30 years ago, and I wish my body felt like it felt when I was 23. I wasn't done with formal education til 29, and academic studies in the areas of my fascination was what I wanted at that point, but it makes zero sense to bitch and moan about things you haven't accomplished at age 23. S**t, I've got boots older than that. If you can't appreciate your beautiful young girlfriend in your cool condo NOW, you're definately gonna have problems with life if you ever get to be my age. Best get yourself an attitude adjustment right quick and start giving thanks for what you've been given. http://news.independent.co.uk/uk/this_britain/article2296846.ece ).


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Re: The Life and Death of the current Me [Re: redgreenvines]
    #7036594 -

redgreenvines said:
close to whining but less undignified
is exhaustion, weariness, and the expression of ennui

it's natural too,
the more I get it
the more I know I was doing real good the day before


What dreams born of ennui dare a good worm express?


--------------------
Let it not be remembered
That mycelium eats detritus and dies
But that life in all it's glory
Counts mycelium to be on it's side.

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Re: The Life and Death of the current Me [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
    #7037660 -

MarkostheGnostic said:
Hey, want some cheese to go with that whine?
I married my psycho ex-wife a year and a day before you were born (6/11/83).
I was 23, 30 years ago, and I wish my body felt like it felt when I was 23. I wasn't done with formal education til 29, and academic studies in the areas of my fascination was what I wanted at that point, but it makes zero sense to bitch and moan about things you haven't accomplished at age 23. S**t, I've got boots older than that. If you can't appreciate your beautiful young girlfriend in your cool condo NOW, you're definately gonna have problems with life if you ever get to be my age.  Best get yourself an attitude adjustment right quick and start giving thanks for what you've been given. [url=http://news.independent.co.uk/uk/this_britain/article2296846.ece]



:thumbup:  Damn Skippy!

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