Simulacra541 said:

So I've never really said hi to the shroomery before or introduced myself so I'll do that now, Hi!

I don't even know how to introduce this, I guess this is the problem that has been bothering me for 2 years now.

That thread about the Guilt Ridden Yogic lifestyle has prompted me to write this.

I dont even know what it is I want, something feels like its missing. I guess it's the problem facing everyone in life, we all suffer. I'm going to die, but I don't want to. Why don't I want to? If I can't live forever then it makes it hard to justify me doing something useful, everyone else will forget about it too after I die. Everything seems so meaningless. But then again why do I want it to have meaning? Life is so fucking weird and confusing, here I am, alive, for reasons I didn't decide and I will leave for reasons I can't control. Why something rather than nothing? Why are we all afraid of dying? Fear of the unknown most would say, but again why are we afraid of the unknown? I feel like there's something, someplace I should be.

I started smoking marijuana a little over a year ago right when I finished high school. I had never been into Buddhism, but marijuana effects me ALOT more than anyone else I know. I've always been plagued with continually trying to answer those "Big Questions" yet I dont even know if there is an answer to find... i dont know what im looking for.

I thought marijuana would help with this, sort some things out. A lot of the things I've thought about while high correlated a lot with Buddhist teachings. So during my first year at University I read Alan Watts and anything online that was related to what I was thinking about.
  I wanted to know what enlightenment would feel like, cause once i had that then i would have all the answers haha. So my options are... move to a monestary and meditate for years and years and hope I experience it, or take a large dose of a psychedelic.

Last Easter I did shrooms for the first time, and I found what I was looking for. Complete silencing of that chatter in my head. I felt that "cosmic consciousness" experience that has become all to common when dealing with psychedelics. But it really effected me deeply, I went and sat down the next day next to this lake to just think about what just happened and what do I know now and how does it relate to my problem.
But I realized then, there is a problem with trying to lose your ego, how can you? How can an desire fueled ego lose itself without desiring? Then came this feeling of 'wow there isn't anything I can do because whatever I do is because of desire even trying to stop desire'
I came to the conclusion that I couldn't be my ego or I couldn't be egoless. "I" or whatever is happening is something other than, that I can't understand. And that's frustrating if you can't possess it and understand it. But again why do I even want to understand this so badly?

But even thoughts like these are only in my head, they're not really even a part of me, they don't seem to pervade into my actions.

See look at the 1st long paragraph    I get stuck in those thoughts and thought patterns. I think about it constantly every day, I'm constantly meditating on those ideas they never leave. I wish I could find an answer so I could stop. Haha even now I just looked at that last sentence and thought why do I want to stop? why am I looking for an answer?

Instead of silencing the chatter in my head, these past couple years I've sped it up to a point where it exhausts me to listen to it.

---

Simulacra541 said:

So I've never really said hi to the shroomery before or introduced myself so I'll do that now, Hi!

I don't even know how to introduce this, I guess this is the problem that has been bothering me for 2 years now.

That thread about the Guilt Ridden Yogic lifestyle has prompted me to write this.

I dont even know what it is I want, something feels like its missing. I guess it's the problem facing everyone in life, we all suffer. I'm going to die, but I don't want to. Why don't I want to? If I can't live forever then it makes it hard to justify me doing something useful, everyone else will forget about it too after I die. Everything seems so meaningless. But then again why do I want it to have meaning? Life is so fucking weird and confusing, here I am, alive, for reasons I didn't decide and I will leave for reasons I can't control. Why something rather than nothing? Why are we all afraid of dying? Fear of the unknown most would say, but again why are we afraid of the unknown? I feel like there's something, someplace I should be.

I started smoking marijuana a little over a year ago right when I finished high school. I had never been into Buddhism, but marijuana effects me ALOT more than anyone else I know. I've always been plagued with continually trying to answer those "Big Questions" yet I dont even know if there is an answer to find... i dont know what im looking for.

I thought marijuana would help with this, sort some things out. A lot of the things I've thought about while high correlated a lot with Buddhist teachings. So during my first year at University I read Alan Watts and anything online that was related to what I was thinking about.
  I wanted to know what enlightenment would feel like, cause once i had that then i would have all the answers haha. So my options are... move to a monestary and meditate for years and years and hope I experience it, or take a large dose of a psychedelic.

Last Easter I did shrooms for the first time, and I found what I was looking for. Complete silencing of that chatter in my head. I felt that "cosmic consciousness" experience that has become all to common when dealing with psychedelics. But it really effected me deeply, I went and sat down the next day next to this lake to just think about what just happened and what do I know now and how does it relate to my problem.
But I realized then, there is a problem with trying to lose your ego, how can you? How can an desire fueled ego lose itself without desiring? Then came this feeling of 'wow there isn't anything I can do because whatever I do is because of desire even trying to stop desire'
I came to the conclusion that I couldn't be my ego or I couldn't be egoless. "I" or whatever is happening is something other than, that I can't understand. And that's frustrating if you can't possess it and understand it. But again why do I even want to understand this so badly?

But even thoughts like these are only in my head, they're not really even a part of me, they don't seem to pervade into my actions.

See look at the 1st long paragraph    I get stuck in those thoughts and thought patterns. I think about it constantly every day, I'm constantly meditating on those ideas they never leave. I wish I could find an answer so I could stop. Haha even now I just looked at that last sentence and thought why do I want to stop? why am I looking for an answer?

Instead of silencing the chatter in my head, these past couple years I've sped it up to a point where it exhausts me to listen to it.

---

zen buddy said:

"Life is a gift. Enjoy your vitality"

But don't you think that this simple understanding gives us meaning?

---

Fraggin said:

zen buddy said:

"Life is a gift. Enjoy your vitality"

But don't you think that this simple understanding gives us meaning?

---

Not one that we can comprehend while we're living. That would be a paradox that voids free will. But thats just my opinion.

---

zen buddy said:

Fraggin said:

zen buddy said:

"Life is a gift. Enjoy your vitality"

But don't you think that this simple understanding gives us meaning?

---

Not one that we can comprehend while we're living. That would be a paradox that voids free will. But thats just my opinion.

---

I believe it enhances our free well.

and it's easy to comprehend, I have for quite some time now...

---

Fraggin said:

zen buddy said:

Fraggin said:

zen buddy said:

"Life is a gift. Enjoy your vitality"

But don't you think that this simple understanding gives us meaning?

---

Not one that we can comprehend while we're living. That would be a paradox that voids free will. But thats just my opinion.

---

I believe it enhances our free well.

and it's easy to comprehend, I have for quite some time now...

---

Then answer your question for us.

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Simulacra541 said:

I dont even know what it is I want, something feels like its missing.

Everything seems so meaningless. But then again why do I want it to have meaning?
Why something rather than nothing?
Why are we all afraid of dying?
Why are we afraid of the unknown?
i dont know what im looking for.
I wanted to know what enlightenment would feel like, cause once i had that then i would have all the answers haha.
there is a problem with trying to lose your ego, how can you?
How can an desire fueled ego lose itself without desiring?
But again why do I even want to understand this so badly?
Haha even now I just looked at that last sentence and thought why do I want to stop?
why am I looking for an answer?

---

Quote:

Even though we have evolved in knowledge over the centuries, the human condition is still the same.

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Even after all these centuries, itchy scalp still persists.