Yah, er... I mean no lol.
Very long story, it's been posted around in various forms here, but I'll give a quick synopsis.
A few months back, maybe just 2, I dunno (time... lost all meaning, to say the very least) I tripped. My last trip, likely ever. I don't need drugs anymore.
I never came down. Until yesterday.
I felt, for about a month or so, like I was in purgatory, or stuck in the wheels of samsara. Every religion (and science, to the T) made complete sense to me. I know some about quantum physics and all that shit, and whether it's true or not, it doesn't really matter, to me it was. Exactly as I 'perceived' it.
I was in complete dispair for a month, having no idea what was happening to me. I had been diagnosed by various people as bi-polar, schizophrenic, 'spiritual emergency,' simply depressed, and drug induced psychosis.
After hearing so many conflicting things one day, a few weeks back, I just decided to say fuck all to those people and stopped worrying about it.
I still felt like I was in purgatory, or as I prefer to call it (because I can.. well, could, identify more with eastern religions) samsara. However, I just rolled with it. I had been through so much, I knew I'd be safe.
I'd be at work, look at porn, and feel like I did a 'bad deed' and as if I needed to suffer for it. Right when that happened the people around me literally started acting insane. They'd start saying how they hate people and wanna 'stab that guy in the heart with a pencil' I remember being said once, with soo much anger, omg. But I just knew nothing bad would happen, cause I didn't want it to. I was intouch with... myself, somewhat.
Then about 2 weeks ago (or maybe 1, again time lost all meaning). On the 2nd of march, I literally, as I percieve it, didn't experience that day. I just skipped the 2nd and went strait to the 3rd. I mean, I experienced that day that it was on, but as far as I'm concerned the dates got shifted. It was the 1st, then it was the 3rd and the numbers just changed. Many times I saw the clock go backwards. Like, not literally. But I'd look at the clock and it'd be 2:50, then I looked about 30 minutes later and it was 2:30.
Anyways, about a week ago, I was meditating and it occured to me that I could use this to my advantage. Well... actually let me backup again.
I felt I was beginning to understand. I felt as though if I did bad things to myself, good things would happen to others. I literally felt like Jesus. I thought I was, but knew I wasn't.
I haven't told anyone this, this was my lowest point and I'm still embarressed by it, but I hit myself with a belt to feel what it was like. I hit myself so hard that I fell on the ground. It didn't hurt at all, so I did it again. I was just astonished by how I could feel no pain. I mean, I felt he sensation, but that's all it was.
I then just made myself cry, I wailed like I had never done before, thinking it would bring good things to myself, and it didn't. I realized that was the wrong action. Badness brings badness. My friend came over right after and I felt worse than ever.
So I went to sleep and sat on that. The next day, right when I woke up iirc, it occurred to me that 'good brings good' so I started dancing. I put on some music and got in the groove. Instead of being tormented by all the synchronicities I saw, that I viewed as pure torture towards me before, I grooved to them. Literally. If I started feeling bad I'd just start dancing. Anywhere, no one would notice, or at least act like they didn't.
I work in I.T. and literally, PC's would break, out of no where. It was completely devoid of logic. I started 'waving my hands at the screen' and moving to the 'beat of the mouse' and shit like that, and they just worked. They did what I wanted them to. I realized, or at least convinced myself, that if I didn't harness any bad thoughts, bad thoughts would not harness me. And they didn't. It worked. Everything got fixed.
One day I thought 'I don't wanna do any work today' so I went in, and literally I just played on the computer the whole day. The only work I actually did (the only work I could do, cause nothing went wrong) was delete a single, virus infected, file. Then, realizing, or as some might say, deluding myself, I convinced myself that I was dead. I didn't exist, and I only existed in the minds of others if I wanted them to be aware of my presence.
I sat in my chair, I decided I was going to be happy. I concentrated on it for about 10-20 minutes and literally built myself up into a fit of laughter. Then I walked strait out of the building and went home, and called that girl I love. She naturally thought I was crazy, so I told her I'd call her back later after I calmed down.
Anyways, the reason I said that is they had no idea, and still don't, that I left. That is probably the biggest proof I had that something abnormal was going on, that did not just affect me, but those around me. Most of the things I can only offer my subjective experience of, and of course, there's no way for you guys to verify that, you'll just have to take my word, but.. that's what happened. I'd swear on my life to it.
If you go back and look at my posts on here, they might appear quite insane. I no longer know what most of them even meant, at least not as I did at the time, but not a single one was a lie. The only lie I've told in a couple months has been, unfortunately, to Dina.
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