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MOTH
Wild Woman


Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy.
#7763946 - 12/15/07 10:45 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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I can't seem to have consistant behavior. I say one thing and do another. My mindstates and who I believe myself to be are constantly changing. I can't keep track of myself. What's up with this? Is this just "who I am?" Or is it a normal human trait? How do I have more consistant behavior so that I'm not driving myself unsane?
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MushroomTrip
Dr. Teasy Thighs



Registered: 12/02/05
Posts: 14,794
Loc: red panda village
Last seen: 2 years, 10 months
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: MOTH]
#7763968 - 12/15/07 10:54 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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None of us are the same persons we used to be a minute ago. The fact that you acknowledge this trait of yours is a very good thing in my opinion.  Other people prefer to create a fixation regarding who they are and that's how they become very unhappy and confused, and in the same time be such bitches with those around them. Because they would do anything to act and feel like that image that they have created about themselves, and which is not who they are anymore.
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   All this time I've loved you And never known your face All this time I've missed you And searched this human race Here is true peace Here my heart knows calm Safe in your soul Bathed in your sighs
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psyka
Praetorian


Registered: 06/09/03
Posts: 1,652
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: MOTH]
#7763975 - 12/15/07 10:55 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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Who do you believe yourself to be?
-------------------- As the life of a candle, my wick will burn out. But, the fire of my mind shall beam into infinite.

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MOTH
Wild Woman


Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: psyka]
#7764023 - 12/15/07 11:11 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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That which is beyond what "I" am, or seem to be.
But my behavior does not always illustrate this belief. And keep in mind that I do not always believe this all the time. I am inconsistant. I do not carry through. My world-views constantly shift.
I do not "get on with it." I decide one thing at one moment, only to go the completely opposite direction the next moment, usually on a whim. This leaves me feeling pretty confused. How can I be so certain of something during one second and then completely abandon that certainty the next second to do the exact opposite? It seems CRAZY...like I cannot seem to follow through on anything. It's always changing.
I wish I could describe it better, but it's like I shift personalities and each "set" has their own "thing" and way of doing things. So deciding something under one frame of reference has no relevance at all for me in the future...it's like I forget I even made that decision at all. It's like just the act of thinking, believing or deciding to do something propels me the opposite direction. It's maddening. There's no internal consistancy, do you know what I'm saying? I have no compass; it's spinning in circles. Even if I am absolutely certain of something one moment and decide something based on that belief, the next moment will mean that I will completely not act on my beliefs and feelings, I'll do a 180 and forget I ever thought what I did previously.
I never know what I'm going to do. I can't make plans or decisions. I can't follow through. Work is a struggle. I've been missing at least a day or two each week for several weeks now, simply because I decide on a whim not to go in, to quit, and then later I change my mind and just go in like usual the next day. But my employers are starting to notice. Christmas shopping has been a real struggle. I don't know what to get people. I can't make up my mind. Eating is a struggle. I can't make up my mind to eat or to fast, fast or to eat. I hate choosing food to eat. I don't like eating. But I cannot fast now, because I am always changing my mind.
Basically: I have issues. This is not news to people on this site. I am usually public about my ordeals.
But seriously. I feel like this flip-flopping is out of control. I don't know what's happening anymore and I'm getting a little panicked.
I just want to get a grip. Be able to live without torturing myself with my own inconsistancy. I'm sure the key is to just accept where I'm at at each moment...but...I just can't even keep track. My life is always changing in a big way, moment to moment. Nothing is steady or consistant. It seems ridiculous by now.
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MushroomTrip
Dr. Teasy Thighs



Registered: 12/02/05
Posts: 14,794
Loc: red panda village
Last seen: 2 years, 10 months
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: MOTH]
#7764050 - 12/15/07 11:24 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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Perhaps you need time alone. Lots of it. There's no reason to panic as these episodes are a normal reaction to stress and lack of confidence. It's when we don't trust ourselves anymore that we can't seem to establish what we want. And this is simply because we lost contact with ourselves.  Only you know what events determined you to give your personal power and in which circumstances, but I think it's important to review the course of your life and find some points of reference. And that can be dome only alone. And this experience can turn into a huge opportunity of growth for you. It gives you the opportunity th re-center yourself and re evaluate who you are, and also you have this opportunity to see how it feels like to see things from so many perspectives in the same time.
What about some time in the woods?
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   All this time I've loved you And never known your face All this time I've missed you And searched this human race Here is true peace Here my heart knows calm Safe in your soul Bathed in your sighs
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psyka
Praetorian


Registered: 06/09/03
Posts: 1,652
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: MOTH]
#7764064 - 12/15/07 11:26 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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Don't worry so much. Everything is inconsistent. Nothing is set in stone, everyone experiences this to a degree. The variable to what side of the spectrum you experience this "inconsistency" depends a lot on patience. Everything is fleeting like the clouds changing with the season, especially our perceptions and thoughts. Talk less, experience more. Relax all the time. Try to notice when you tense up, and relax whatever muscle is tense. This does 2 things: 1) makes you more aware of what you are doing (and thinking) in the present moment, and 2) brings clarity along with relief.
There 2 things, when skillfully practiced bring equanimity. Equanimity could be considered to be a consistent mind.
-------------------- As the life of a candle, my wick will burn out. But, the fire of my mind shall beam into infinite.

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JoseLibrado
return


Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 569
Last seen: 15 years, 6 months
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: psyka]
#7764700 - 12/16/07 09:32 AM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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Who you are, in actuality, who your know yourself to be, can only exist in light of who you know yourself not to be, who you are not.
Sanity is inexistend without insanity, they exist mutually, are experienced mutually.
Look and see of the importance of experience who you are not...because if it is important to you, to experience who yo u are and know you are being yourself, what follows as equally important to this is for the person to experienced who they are not, so as to allow you to see who you are and experience it all over again.
Love, love and peace. Let it mositen your existence. Let is ripen the soil of rebirth.
-------------------- The mind is a creative tool. It searches to protect you, through message sensations(feelings). It is no different than a computer, you need to make sure its anti-virus program is in check and that it doesnt have a script that limits your experience, because of to much precaution. And remember the computer does not appear to respond to words of anger and frustration - just give it input, in the form of new meanings that you know to be true and its messages to you and the limits it lays out for you, will change. Guilt is an outcome of believing you are the cause of the problems. Yet, we are not a cause to something, we see is negative or bad - Unless you believe your intentions are directed towards a bad outcome....
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Jack Albertson
bismillah rahmani rahim



Registered: 04/14/06
Posts: 10,065
Loc: SOLARIS
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: JoseLibrado]
#7764719 - 12/16/07 09:39 AM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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i say you should think about how your behavior affects everyone around you. I keep myself in check by simply asking if i would want someone that acts like that in my life? How would i feel if someone did that to me?
-------------------- Man is timid and apologetic; he is no longer upright; he dares not say "I think," "I am," but quotes some saint or sage. He is ashamed before the blade of grass or the blowing rose.Man postpones or remembers; he does not live in the present, but with reverted eye laments the past, or, heedless of the riches that surround him, stands on tiptoe to foresee the future. He cannot be happy and strong until he too lives with nature in the present, above time TRANSCEND
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Veritas

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 11,089
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: MOTH]
#7764742 - 12/16/07 09:46 AM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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Sounds "normal" to me. The difference is probably that you are aware of your inconsistency, whereas others may ignore their own incongruent behaviors.
IMO, the key to dealing with inconsistent behavior is to realize that it will always occur. It does not seem possible for humans to become entirely congruent 100% of the time, so stop expecting that this will happen. It is not your behavior but your unrealistic expectations that will "drive you crazy."
My efforts these days are aimed towards gentle corrections of my course when I notice I've gone astray. I have no expectations that I will someday achieve total congruence, yet my experiences of temporary congruence are blissful, and provide a North Star during my wanderings into incongruence.
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Lion
Decadent Flower Magnate



Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 8,775
Last seen: 3 days, 18 hours
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: MOTH]
#7764985 - 12/16/07 11:02 AM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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"Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative." ~Oscar Wilde
-------------------- “Strengthened by contemplation and study, I will not fear my passions like a coward. My body I will give to pleasures, to diversions that I’ve dreamed of, to the most daring erotic desires, to the lustful impulses of my blood, without any fear at all, for whenever I will— and I will have the will, strengthened as I’ll be with contemplation and study— at the crucial moments I’ll recover my spirit as was before: ascetic.”
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery



Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: MOTH]
#7765020 - 12/16/07 11:11 AM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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just human
-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom. " All that lives was born to die"-Anom. With much wisdom comes much sorrow, The more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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MOTH
Wild Woman


Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: Icelander]
#7765423 - 12/16/07 12:48 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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Well, I'm somewhat reassured now, thank you.
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Ego Death
Justadropofwaterinanendlesssea


Registered: 04/27/03
Posts: 10,447
Loc: The War Machine
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: MOTH]
#7765545 - 12/16/07 01:17 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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I prefer inconsistency.
Consistency is boring.
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Silversoul
Rhizome


Registered: 01/01/05
Posts: 23,576
Loc: The Barricades
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: Ego Death]
#7765586 - 12/16/07 01:28 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Boots
Disenchanted


Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 1,137
Loc: Northwood, Ohio, U.S.A.
Last seen: 15 years, 2 months
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: Silversoul]
#7766512 - 12/16/07 05:36 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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If you can't behave consistently, then just change your definition of what you think is good and/or needed. Then, inconsistent behavior will be good.
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fireworks_god
Sexy.Butt.McDanger



Registered: 03/12/02
Posts: 24,855
Loc: Pandurn
Last seen: 1 year, 12 days
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: MOTH]
#7768288 - 12/17/07 03:34 AM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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Quote:
MOTH said: Well, I'm somewhat reassured now, thank you.
It is reassuring when we realize that we are all just little animals on some planet becoming more aware and wondering what the hell is going on.
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If I should die this very moment I wouldn't fear For I've never known completeness Like being here Wrapped in the warmth of you Loving every breath of you
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OrgoneConclusion
Blue Fish Group



Registered: 04/01/07
Posts: 45,414
Loc: Under the C
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: fireworks_god]
#7768392 - 12/17/07 06:36 AM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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Fire & Ice have merged?
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Rose
Devil's Advocate



Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 22,518
Loc: Mod not God
Last seen: 1 year, 6 months
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: MOTH]
#7769265 - 12/17/07 12:00 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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Humans don't recover from shocking events overnight.
You are likely, experiencing some post-traumatic stress... but I would not qualify it as a disorder just yet.
Hard to get out of bed? Hard to go to work? Abusing substances more than usual?
P.T.S.D. and apathy are similar enough... hippies may have trouble recognizing one from the other.
The whole CITY of New York went through a similar reaction in 2001-2002.
It takes a year... give or take... to move on in a, "Normal" healthy way.
I'd be more concerned if you WEREN'T a little scrambled right now.
It is natural.
Also,. I suspect you could do with a new job. 3 weeks in a row? Can't work the whole week? Sounds like you might hate working there.
-------------------- Fiddlesticks.
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MOTH
Wild Woman


Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: Rose]
#7770432 - 12/17/07 04:48 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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Hey,
I didn't even consider that I would still be feeling effects from "that event." (the suicide I saw while shrooming, if that's what you're referring to)
I do still dream about it. Just last night I had a dream that he was still alive, one of the only lucky people in the world to survive a bullet wound to the head. He came to my house and knocked on my door. I gave him a Christmas present. 
Weirdness. I haven't felt the same afterwards, but I didn't consider THAT to be a contributor to my current state of complete upheaval. I thought that I'd "gotten over it" by now.
"Scrambled" is a funny word...I feel like I've gotten so used to feeling scrambled that it's a normal state.
Thanks everyone. Every reply is helpful.
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MarkostheGnostic
Elder


Registered: 12/09/99
Posts: 14,279
Loc: South Florida
Last seen: 3 years, 2 days
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: MOTH]
#7771011 - 12/17/07 07:08 PM (16 years, 1 month ago) |
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Pathologies are simply extremes of human nature. Usually a single personality disorder has a couple of related 'satellite' disorders that go along with it. Sit down with a book on personality disorder or with a DSM IV and read through personality disorders. There are Borderline PD people who have no consistent self-identity in the conventional sense. Their values may change without warning (I was married to one for over a decade). Then there are the Dissociative Disorders, among which is the formerly classified Multiple Personality Disorder in which there is also a lack of one consistent self-structure, but rather two or more competing personalities, often with a dominant one which takes the place of a singularly unified personality.
I am not shopping for a personality disorder which you can call your own here Moth. I am suggesting that spiritual disciplines can sometimes provide a structure or even a single meta-motive around which one can allow a new personality to crystallize. One must choose such a 'life-raft' carefully, but then one must invest it with one's devoted adherence. If, the exoteric forms of religion is distasteful, perhaps an esoteric adherence to Buddhist Compassion or to Christian Agape-Love can be recognized as the essential core by which all of life can be guided. Micro-decisions like which food to eat from your plate with each bite, when one is hyper vigilant has usually been handled by eating simply. There is the Zen '3 bowl diet' in which 3 foods are eaten. One can develop an Obsessive-Compulsive pattern of eating in a precise order, but this is again, yet another personality disorder, and one which can be relieved by certain drugs or even certain megavitamin regimes. These numerous minor decisions need to be put on auto-pilot, but that can only happen when a certain comfort with arbitrary subconscious fluidity is permitted. Otherwise, every tiny little decision, moment-to-moment, becomes a stutifying big deal. One becomes like the centipede who couldn't walk anymore when asked by the ant how it managed to keep its 100 feet moving so smoothly. Self-consciousness in such automatic matters is problematic.
I found that a Yogic lifestyle helped arrange practically every aspect of my life (short of exactly how to wipe my bum) It provided a kind of scaffolding upon which I could rebuild a personality, while keeping a single precious Light burning in my Heart Center, within that personality (so-to-speak ). Just a suggestion, like ordering random iron filings on a sheet of paper by placing a magnet underneath.
-------------------- γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself
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