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InvisibleMOTH
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Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy.
    #7763946 - 12/15/07 10:45 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

I can't seem to have consistant behavior. I say one thing and do another. My mindstates and who I believe myself to be are constantly changing. I can't keep track of myself. What's up with this? Is this just "who I am?" Or is it a normal human trait? How do I have more consistant behavior so that I'm not driving myself unsane?


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OfflineMushroomTrip
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: MOTH]
    #7763968 - 12/15/07 10:54 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

None of us are the same persons we used to be a minute ago.
The fact that you acknowledge this trait of yours is a very good thing in my opinion. :smile:
Other people prefer to create a fixation regarding who they are and that's how they become very unhappy and confused, and in the same time be such bitches with those around them. Because they would do anything to act and feel like that image that they have created about themselves, and which is not who they are anymore. :shrug:


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs

:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:


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Invisiblepsyka
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: MOTH]
    #7763975 - 12/15/07 10:55 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Who do you believe yourself to be?


--------------------
As the life of a candle,
my wick will burn out.
But, the fire of my mind
shall beam into infinite.



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InvisibleMOTH
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: psyka]
    #7764023 - 12/15/07 11:11 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

That which is beyond what "I" am, or seem to be.

But my behavior does not always illustrate this belief. And keep in mind that I do not always believe this all the time. I am inconsistant. I do not carry through. My world-views constantly shift.

I do not "get on with it." I decide one thing at one moment, only to go the completely opposite direction the next moment, usually on a whim. This leaves me feeling pretty confused. How can I be so certain of something during one second and then completely abandon that certainty the next second to do the exact opposite? It seems CRAZY...like I cannot seem to follow through on anything. It's always changing.

I wish I could describe it better, but it's like I shift personalities and each "set" has their own "thing" and way of doing things. So deciding something under one frame of reference has no relevance at all for me in the future...it's like I forget I even made that decision at all. It's like just the act of thinking, believing or deciding to do something propels me the opposite direction. It's maddening. There's no internal consistancy, do you know what I'm saying? I have no compass; it's spinning in circles. Even if I am absolutely certain of something one moment and decide something based on that belief, the next moment will mean that I will completely not act on my beliefs and feelings, I'll do a 180 and forget I ever thought what I did previously.

I never know what I'm going to do. I can't make plans or decisions. I can't follow through. Work is a struggle. I've been missing at least a day or two each week for several weeks now, simply because I decide on a whim not to go in, to quit, and then later I change my mind and just go in like usual the next day. But my employers are starting to notice. Christmas shopping has been a real struggle. I don't know what to get people. I can't make up my mind. Eating is a struggle. I can't make up my mind to eat or to fast, fast or to eat. I hate choosing food to eat. I don't like eating. But I cannot fast now, because I am always changing my mind.

Basically: I have issues. This is not news to people on this site. I am usually public about my ordeals.

But seriously. I feel like this flip-flopping is out of control. I don't know what's happening anymore and I'm getting a little panicked.

I just want to get a grip. Be able to live without torturing myself with my own inconsistancy. I'm sure the key is to just accept where I'm at at each moment...but...I just can't even keep track. My life is always changing in a big way, moment to moment. Nothing is steady or consistant. It seems ridiculous by now.


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OfflineMushroomTrip
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: MOTH]
    #7764050 - 12/15/07 11:24 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Perhaps you need time alone. Lots of it.
There's no reason to panic as these episodes are a normal reaction to stress and lack of confidence. It's when we don't trust ourselves anymore that we can't seem to establish what we want. And this is simply because we lost contact with ourselves. :shrug:
Only you know what events determined you to give your personal power and in which circumstances, but I think it's important to review the course of your life and find some points of reference. And that can be dome only alone.
And this experience can turn into a huge opportunity of growth for you. It gives you the opportunity th re-center yourself and re evaluate who you are, and also you have this opportunity to see how it feels like to see things from so many perspectives in the same time.

What about some time in the woods? :hippie:


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs

:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:


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Invisiblepsyka
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: MOTH]
    #7764064 - 12/15/07 11:26 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Don't worry so much. Everything is inconsistent. Nothing is set in stone, everyone experiences this to a degree. The variable to what side of the spectrum you experience this "inconsistency" depends a lot on patience. Everything is fleeting like the clouds changing with the season, especially our perceptions and thoughts. Talk less, experience more. Relax all the time. Try to notice when you tense up, and relax whatever muscle is tense. This does 2 things: 1) makes you more aware of what you are doing (and thinking) in the present moment, and 2) brings clarity along with relief.

There 2 things, when skillfully practiced bring equanimity. Equanimity could be considered to be a consistent mind.


--------------------
As the life of a candle,
my wick will burn out.
But, the fire of my mind
shall beam into infinite.



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OfflineJoseLibrado
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: psyka]
    #7764700 - 12/16/07 09:32 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Who you are, in actuality, who your know yourself to be, can only exist in light of who you know yourself not to be, who you are not.

Sanity is inexistend without insanity, they exist mutually, are experienced mutually.

Look and see of the importance of experience who you are not...because if it is important to you, to experience who yo:heart:u are and know you are being yourself, what follows as equally important to this is for the person to experienced who they are not, so as to allow you to see who you are and experience it all over again.


Love, love and peace. Let it mositen your existence. Let is ripen the soil of rebirth.


--------------------
The mind is a creative tool. It searches to protect you, through message sensations(feelings). It is no different than a computer, you need to make sure its anti-virus program is in check and that it doesnt have a script that limits your experience, because of to much precaution.

And remember the computer does not appear to respond to words of anger and frustration - just give it input, in the form of new meanings that you know to be true and its messages to you and the limits it lays out for you, will change.

Guilt is an outcome of believing you are the cause of the problems.

Yet, we are not a cause to something, we see is negative or bad - Unless you believe your intentions are directed towards a bad outcome....


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InvisibleJack Albertson
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: JoseLibrado]
    #7764719 - 12/16/07 09:39 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

i say you should think about how your behavior affects everyone around you. I keep myself in check by simply asking if i would want someone that acts like that in my life? How would i feel if someone did that to me?


--------------------
Man is timid and apologetic; he is no longer upright; he dares not say "I think," "I am," but quotes some saint or sage. He is ashamed before the blade of grass or the blowing rose.Man postpones or remembers; he does not live in the present, but with reverted eye laments the past, or, heedless of the riches that surround him, stands on tiptoe to foresee the future. He cannot be happy and strong until he too lives with nature in the present, above time
TRANSCEND



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InvisibleVeritas
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: MOTH]
    #7764742 - 12/16/07 09:46 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Sounds "normal" to me.  :shrug:  The difference is probably that you are aware of your inconsistency, whereas others may ignore their own incongruent behaviors. 

IMO, the key to dealing with inconsistent behavior is to realize that it will always occur.  It does not seem possible for humans to become entirely congruent 100% of the time, so stop expecting that this will happen.  It is not your behavior but your unrealistic expectations that will "drive you crazy."

My efforts these days are aimed towards gentle corrections of my course when I notice I've gone astray.  I have no expectations that I will someday achieve total congruence, yet my experiences of temporary congruence are blissful, and provide a North Star during my wanderings into incongruence.


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OfflineLion
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: MOTH]
    #7764985 - 12/16/07 11:02 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

"Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative." ~Oscar Wilde

:hippie: :farmerdance:  :headbang:  :rockon:  :runaway:  :headbanger:  :bow:  :protest:  :rimshot:  :hairmetal:


--------------------
“Strengthened by contemplation and study,
I will not fear my passions like a coward.
My body I will give to pleasures,
to diversions that I’ve dreamed of,
to the most daring erotic desires,
to the lustful impulses of my blood, without
any fear at all, for whenever I will—
and I will have the will, strengthened
as I’ll be with contemplation and study—
at the crucial moments I’ll recover
my spirit as was before: ascetic.”


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: MOTH]
    #7765020 - 12/16/07 11:11 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

just human


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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InvisibleMOTH
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: Icelander]
    #7765423 - 12/16/07 12:48 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Well, I'm somewhat reassured now, thank you.


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InvisibleEgo Death
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: MOTH]
    #7765545 - 12/16/07 01:17 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

I prefer inconsistency.

Consistency is boring.


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InvisibleSilversoul
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: Ego Death]
    #7765586 - 12/16/07 01:28 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson


--------------------


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OfflineBoots
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: Silversoul]
    #7766512 - 12/16/07 05:36 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

If you can't behave consistently, then just change your definition of what you think is good and/or needed. Then, inconsistent behavior will be good.


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Offlinefireworks_godS
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: MOTH]
    #7768288 - 12/17/07 03:34 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

MOTH said:
Well, I'm somewhat reassured now, thank you.




It is reassuring when we realize that we are all just little animals on some planet becoming more aware and wondering what the hell is going on. :smile: :lol:

:monkeydance: :smirk:

:bongload:


--------------------
:redpanda:
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you

:heartpump: :bunnyhug: :yinyang:

:yinyang: :levitate: :earth: :levitate: :yinyang:


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InvisibleOrgoneConclusion
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: fireworks_god]
    #7768392 - 12/17/07 06:36 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Fire & Ice have merged? :wtf:


--------------------


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OfflineRoseM
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: MOTH]
    #7769265 - 12/17/07 12:00 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Humans don't recover from shocking events overnight.

You are likely, experiencing some post-traumatic stress... but I would not qualify it as a disorder just yet.

Hard to get out of bed? Hard to go to work? Abusing substances more than usual?

P.T.S.D. and apathy are similar enough... hippies may have trouble recognizing one from the other.

The whole CITY of New York went through a similar reaction in 2001-2002.

It takes a year... give or take... to move on in a, "Normal" healthy way.

I'd be more concerned if you WEREN'T a little scrambled right now.

It is natural.

Also,. I suspect you could do with a new job. 3 weeks in a row? Can't work the whole week? Sounds like you might hate working there.


--------------------
Fiddlesticks.



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InvisibleMOTH
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: Rose]
    #7770432 - 12/17/07 04:48 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Hey,

I didn't even consider that I would still be feeling effects from "that event."  (the suicide I saw while shrooming, if that's what you're referring to)

I do still dream about it.  Just last night I had a dream that he was still alive, one of the only lucky people in the world to survive a bullet wound to the head.  He came to my house and knocked on my door.  I gave him a Christmas present.  :tongue:

Weirdness. I haven't felt the same afterwards, but I didn't consider THAT to be a contributor to my current state of complete upheaval.  I thought that I'd "gotten over it" by now. 

"Scrambled" is a funny word...I feel like I've gotten so used to feeling scrambled that it's a normal state. 

Thanks everyone. :heart:  Every reply is helpful.


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OfflineMarkostheGnostic
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: MOTH]
    #7771011 - 12/17/07 07:08 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Pathologies are simply extremes of human nature. Usually a single personality disorder has a couple of related 'satellite' disorders that go along with it. Sit down with a book on personality disorder or with a DSM IV and read through personality disorders. There are Borderline PD people who have no consistent self-identity in the conventional sense. Their values may change without warning (I was married to one for over a decade). Then there are the Dissociative Disorders, among which is the formerly classified Multiple Personality Disorder in which there is also a lack of one consistent self-structure, but rather two or more competing personalities, often with a dominant one which takes the place of a singularly unified personality.

I am not shopping for a personality disorder which you can call your own here Moth. I am suggesting that spiritual disciplines can sometimes provide a structure or even a single meta-motive around which one can allow a new personality to crystallize. One must choose such a 'life-raft' carefully, but then one must invest it with one's devoted adherence. If, the exoteric forms of  religion is distasteful, perhaps an esoteric adherence to Buddhist Compassion or to Christian Agape-Love can be recognized as the essential core by which all of life can be guided. Micro-decisions like which food to eat from your plate with each bite, when one is hyper vigilant has usually been handled by eating simply. There is the Zen '3 bowl diet' in which 3 foods are eaten. One can develop an Obsessive-Compulsive pattern of eating in a precise order, but this is again, yet another personality disorder, and one which can be relieved by certain drugs or even certain megavitamin regimes. These numerous minor decisions need to be put on auto-pilot, but that can only happen when a certain comfort with arbitrary subconscious fluidity is permitted. Otherwise, every tiny little decision, moment-to-moment, becomes a stutifying big deal. One becomes like the centipede who couldn't walk anymore when asked by the ant how it managed to keep its 100 feet moving so smoothly. Self-consciousness in such automatic matters is problematic.

I found that a Yogic lifestyle helped arrange practically every aspect of my life (short of exactly how to wipe my bum) :grin: It provided a kind of scaffolding upon which I could rebuild a personality, while keeping a single precious Light burning in my Heart Center, within that personality (so-to-speak :wink:). Just a suggestion, like ordering random iron filings on a sheet of paper by placing a magnet underneath.


--------------------
γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself


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OfflineGinseng1
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
    #7773280 - 12/18/07 10:15 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

ADD. I have it too. Talk to you doc about ritalin.


--------------------
Flowing through beginningless time since time without beginning...


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OfflineOzekat
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: Ginseng1]
    #7774899 - 12/18/07 06:28 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

I can sympathize with the inconsistent behavior coupled with distaste for it at times.

It is as if you are left alone in some dark place of your mind, all within, trapped and incapable of feeling ok with your shifting moods and shifting mentalities, forever changing, or inverting or what have you.

But truly, it is natural. At times when I am unsure of who I am, I meditate. You must stop the self-abusive flood of thoughts running through your head, perhaps quite negative in your case. Breathing in and breathing out the life surrounding you. It is all quite simple, but humans make it needlessly complex. Inversely, through simplifying/eliminating your thoughts and desires (EGO DEATH!) you can become infinitely more insightful.

Count the breaths, think of nothing, concentrate on the eternity surrounding your existence.

Yeah it sounds to me like you may need some solitude and quiet surroundings, however the opposite could apply if the former variables have been lived in for some time and no improvement has been made.

Death is touuuugh shit, nomatter what the circumstances. I can't imagine seeing a suicide occur whilst on a psychedelic journey. Was there a relation between this person and you, if you don't mind me asking?


--------------------
Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.
- Chinese Proverb

:teleport:

:yinyang: Beauty & Simplicity


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OfflineRonaldFuckingPaul
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: Ozekat]
    #7774926 - 12/18/07 06:37 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

MOTH, I can totally relate to the way you feel. I find myself constantly changing my mind. For instance, One minute I'll feel that my education is extremely important then the next moment I'll think education is pointless. I'm extremely unstable and wish to be grounded as soon as possible.


--------------------


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InvisibleMOTH
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: RonaldFuckingPaul]
    #7775914 - 12/18/07 10:57 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Yep, that's it exactly.  I got almost all the way to work today only to turn around and drive all the way back home.    I guess I've quit that job now, but I've considered calling my employer and making up some story to get my job back. :shrug:

Or maybe I've quit.  I can't keep track.


Edited by MOTH (12/18/07 11:12 PM)


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InvisibleMOTH
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: Ozekat]
    #7776006 - 12/18/07 11:33 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Ozekat said:


Death is touuuugh shit, nomatter what the circumstances.  I can't imagine seeing a suicide occur whilst on a psychedelic journey.  Was there a relation between this person and you, if you don't mind me asking?




I knew him for less then 24 hours.  He was in our camping group.  I was peaking on mushrooms and 10 feet away when the pop of the gun went off. 

But I don't want to go into it.  It's always in the back of my mind but I hardly think about it anymore if you know what I mean.  I doubt that's what's causing my flagrant inconsistancy.  I've always been a little scatter-brained but lately it feels outrageously disconcerting, like I just cannot be, cannot get a grip, cannot keep track...everything is always changing. 

Apparently all this is NORMAL human behavior, but I feel very wearied by the consistant inconsistancy. :tongue:  Like I can't trust myself to do anything because my mindstates are always changing.  I find it very confusing and it frustrates not only me, but people who have to put up with my unpredictable shifts of mood, which changes my entire reality.  When a shift occurs, everything that happened before is forgotten, there is only the reality stemming from that one mindstate and mood at the moment.  I forget everything else.  Even if I was happy and enjoying myself before, a mindstate can be triggered that will take me to the depressive pits of hell in less then a heartbeat, and all my decisions and my very BEING will reflect this, because that becomes all there is...until I shift again.  This happens constantly. 

So yeah, I just had to go on and on about it, putting my experiences into words, so thanks for listening if you read.  I trust you guys' advice and appreciate the validation that "it'a all good, you're just a human being like the rest of us."  That's a big relief, really.  As for the rest of it, I do yoga just about daily, and it seems to at least provide a sense of consistancy and calm in my life.  Some of the only things I can do consistantly are yoga and working out at the gym, anything having to do with movement and motion.  Sitting still, opening up to the void and getting my mind to let go takes something else. 

I think I should definitely begin a meditation regiman again though...because I still feel insane.  :smile:   

I'm not complaining...if it's normal.  :tongue2:


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Offlinemushroomplume
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: MOTH]
    #7776166 - 12/19/07 12:28 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

HEY MOTH!

Something is not normal, otherwise you would not have made this thread.

In my opinion, it sounds like you are trying way too hard to have control over your life. Perhaps a quote from Kung Fu is what you need, haha:

Caine - "What happens in a man's life is already written. A man must move through life as his destiny wills."

Old Man - "Yes, yet each man is free to live as he chooses. Though they seem opposite, both are true. I do not understand it."

Caine - "You have taken in much, old man, like the waters of the Tao."

:leafromp:


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InvisibleMOTH
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: mushroomplume]
    #7776669 - 12/19/07 08:00 AM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Actually I've decided not to care anymore or think about it.


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OfflineBlueCoyote
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Re: Inconsistant behavior driving me crazy. [Re: MOTH]
    #7781755 - 12/20/07 01:44 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

It's you to make the plunge into the sea :laugh:


--------------------
Though lovers be lost love shall not  And death shall have no dominion
......................................................
"Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men."Martin Luther King, Jr.
'Acceptance is the absolute key - at that moment you gain freedom and you gain power and you gain courage'


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by fireworks_god
* What if I told you that I WUZ CRAZY....????!!!!???? PhanTomCat 803 10 02/28/05 08:22 PM
by CaRnAgECaNdY
* some crazy shit
( 1 2 all )
Kokserek 2,531 34 02/13/04 02:37 PM
by trendal

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