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Enlightenment/insanity/egolessness
    #7264333 -

Hello hello fellow spiritual beings...

I'm going to put it straight out right away - I believe I almost went insane last night.

For the past few years the day after I drink ends up being a very introspective free thinking kind of day. My mind is open...sometimes a little too much for comfort but it's usually rewarding. Within the past few months there have been a few times when on these days when I go to sleep at night it's hard for me to fall asleep because of some unknown fear. I always get to sleep but I have to ease into it so I don't get shocked.

Lately I have been wondering if I have a social disorder or if I'm just being hard on myself. It seems to me like all people want to do is laugh and I'm not an incredibly funny person...well at times, when I drink I am. One of my friends made an observation of me and said "You're serious, but you laugh a lot." Which is somewhat true.

So it seems like recently I have had nothing to say to people unless they said something to me, then I'd respond and we could chat, etc. I believe it was a combination of things happening which caused this (my own constraints mostly). I thought it was sorted out because about a week ago this lifted and I was back to "normal."

Well yesterday was a post-drinking non-linear thought day and I was sleep deprived to boot. I got off of work and smoked some dank sativa with my buddies.

All was going well until there was a silence in the conversation and we were all just chillin stoned, yaknow. I realized I had nothing to say - my mind was blank. I kinda freaked out and I felt a shift in myself. Suddenly my third eye chakra became incredibly apparent. From that point on I battled what seemed like the brink of insanity.

It felt like someone was pushing a red hot iron rod into the back of my skull. It felt like at any minute something could trip in my brain and I would just go looney toons stark raving mad.

I got back home and grabbed a beer to chill out hoping it might calm me down. Not much luck, I still am staying on the edge of reality. I did some yoga which helped for the moment. I played guitar which helped for the moment. I decided that one thing that was hurting me was that I kept on checking to see if I still felt like I was going insane, like how you check to see if you still have the hiccups when you're trying to get rid of them.

Well one thing that kind of bothered me was when I trying to go to sleep. As I drifted off the insanity feeling would escalate through my third eye (which was being felt from front to back) and my stomach would clench like I was about to throw up...it reminded me of reading something that said when tripping nausea results from grasping onto reality and the inability to let go...I thought FUCK THIS IS IT! I'm on my last ride here!

I slowly drifted off to sleep never fully falling asleep for a good 5 hours.

It's now about 24 hours later and I feel completely normal.

What I don't understand is that I couldn't do anything. I was running from this "insanity" the entire time but when I went to sleep I turned on "all you need is love" on my ipod and just accepted it. I'm not too afraid of death unless it is of my own doing. I don't want to fuck up my life now and have my parents watch me go bonkers. I couldn't fully accept it though. I couldn't run either - it was just there.

I really have no idea what happened but it scared me. I was pretty sure that I would be fine the next day (I am) but at the time I was walking a tight rope that I hope not to be on again. I've eaten shrooms about 6 times, the last time being in february or so. I smoke a max of once a week & drink once a week.

I thought it might have been my kundilini rising since there was significant pressure on my lower back (no injuries) & other chakras were wildly active. This lower back pressure was what started me with yoga in the first place...which helped with the back situation, but then my spiritual development went too far and I had to slow down.

Ok I am really really sorry that this is so long, but whoever takes the time to read this THANK YOU.

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Re: Enlightenment/insanity/egolessness [Re: fazdazzle]
    #7264447 -

I read it, I don't know what to tell you, some of what you say makes sense, some doesn't.

Last time i had an experience like that, i was on a lot of mushrooms, and it came down to the weight of the world pressing on me, and the fact that natures on the brink, and things need to be done now. My wife felt it too, was weird, thankfully she snapped me out of it, and life went on as normal cept I do more to save the world in every day life.

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Re: Enlightenment/insanity/egolessness [Re: fazdazzle]
    #7264622 -

one thing i noticed..
you say you turned on the music and just "accepted it", but you also say you "couldn't fully accept it".

sounds like you had a geniune although brief moment of acceptance, and then the fear crept back in. what do you think? the reason I bring it up is beacause acceptance of the unknown within is one of the keys to freedom spoken of in the language of life. Not only acceptance of the unknown, but also not using fear to render and control it.

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Re: Enlightenment/insanity/egolessness [Re: fazdazzle]
    #7264694 -

I'm not sure if you're asking for advice or just sharing,
but IMO, the best thing any of us can do is educate ourselves about our Self.

Read EVERYTHING by Alan Watts, Robert Anton Wilson, Tim Leary, John Lilly, Stan Grof, E.J. Gold and Ram Dass if you haven't already.

i.e., RTFM... and remember, The Menu doesn't taste like the Meal.

Hey Clean, thanks for the "who am "i" link in your sig, good stuff. :thumbup:

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Re: Enlightenment/insanity/egolessness [Re: Middleman]
    #7264814 -

Hmm thanks for the replies everyone, I appreciate it.

I think a lot of things were coming down on me all at once, combined with the typical "trippiness" of my days after I drink. I'm going through a phase of incredible personal transformation which has led me away from the subject I began studying when I first entered college. So right now I'm sort of between quite a few things. When I get my feet planted on the ground more I think things will get back to normal.

I think one reason I was scared was because I wasn't on mushrooms and I realized that I was pretty close to sobriety. Normally I do smoke once a week or so but recently we had been smoking every few days so my tolerance was pretty high. I was pretty close reality, yet I was on the brink of insanity.

As for the accepting part..I really don't know what to say. I did genuinely accept what was happening for a while but I didn't really know how to completely let go...or maybe parts of me were restricting that from happening. I'm wondering now if I should have just said screw it and jump right in or if that would have meant cutting my cord to reality.

I have "Be Here Now" by Ram Das and love it. Every page I read I take a deep breath thinking how true it is..and how hard it is to enact those truths....which brings me to my point. I can read everything produced on spirituality, but experience is a whole different ball game. Last night was the real deal and I kinda stumbled. I thought I did pretty well considering the intensity of the experience, but I didn't really learn anything. Most experiences I have I learn from and understand their reasons. Last night was totally bizarre and unexplainable. Yes, yes - you are so right "The menu doesn't taste like the meal."

What does RTFM stand for?

I have "The way of Zen" by Watts and have been wanting to read some of his other stuff - "The Book" & "Becoming who you are." Thanks for the suggestions though, I'll check out those other authors.

Thanks again for all of your replies! :smile:

Edited by fazdazzle (08/06/07 12:46 AM)

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Re: Enlightenment/insanity/egolessness [Re: fazdazzle]
    #7265921 -

You managed to pull a bolt of kundalini into your third eye. Did you feel it as it shot up through your body?

It's quite a shock. Instaint pain, dizzyness, and the though of certainty that you've found what it means to be insane. This has happened to me.

It's not all bad, as you are probably finding out. For 1/2 hour, I was sure I had gone insane. After I calmed down a little, I considered the possibility that perhaps I wasn't insane, but still felt that I may have damaged myself in some way. The next day I felt weak. The day after that, and for about a week, I was on cloud nine. There was no reason to meditate, it would have been redundant.

I was back to normal after about 8 days.

Now that you have that under your belt, you can know not to give yourself such a hard time. Honor and respect your body. Don't push too hard. If you are around someone and feel the need to speak, but nothing comes to mind, just relax in that silence.

It's a good thing. Be the oak tree. They don't say anything. They stand tall and proud, speaking volumes in silence. If you have something to say, say it, but if you have nothing to say, say nothing. You will find that this is a very desirable quality. Other people will be like birds and monkeys. They love big strong trees to play on.;)


--------------------
rahz

comfort pleasure power love     truth awareness peace I am      I feel      I do     I love  I speak    I see    I know

why there is reality and patterned, law-like consistency at all, rather than noise or non-reality is not a question physics answers. It's a question physics presupposes an answer to in order to provide other answers.

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