The time i struggled to live

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Kapitoshka
liquid lsd

Registered: 09/27/06
Posts: 31
Last seen: 16 years, 6 months

The time i struggled to live

#6156742 - 10/11/06 12:09 AM (19 years, 11 months ago)

Although my decision to get into psychedelic experiences was inspired by works of Carlos Castaneda and everything i perceive under the influence of psychedelics is getting interpreted in terms of assemblage point and the way attention works, it was only through recent times i actually discovered the whole span of the perception problem and what one can actually do about it.
After I struggled to eat two grams of Psilocybin Cubensis aborts, constantly washing my mouth with orange juice to get rid of the taste, i relaxed and waited for it to kick in. It was my first trip alone and i was hoping to actually crack down certain questions i had that other human can't possibly hold an answer to. While it was kicking in I decided to watch Fear and Loathing and have to say it was quite amusing ^.^ Somewhere near the end of the movie i suddenly heard a deep humm and my stomach started convulsing. I did not felt as watching anything anymore and turned all the lights and went to bed.
At this point I started working on some heavy thinking :smile:

I started thinking about what exactly am I, what exactly makes me, me? Eventually i came up with a theory of "particles of perception" and a human body being a container of these particles. But then i started thinking how is my collection of these particles is any different from another one, and more importantly, what force holds these particles together. Is this glue memories? I tried to go over my memories and discovered with horror that i can't differentiate my memories with my own imagination, things I've seen on TV and things i never knew existed in my head! Being unable to find the force that holds me together i suddenly felt like dying. I started panicking, trying to find what could bring my life back together, but the more i searched the weaker i felt. At this time I had visions of a character on my avatar taking me to another worlds and I though that what i encountered was an ally and that it was attacking me, since i was on a different level of perception and therefore available to it. Eventually I got up, remembering that i must not go to sleep, because my perception becomes really vulnerable and anything can pick it up and drag it in any direction, making me incapable of getting back into my normal perception, getting lost in that immensity out there. I felt what don Juan called "the dark sea of awareness" and how I was about to dissolve in it, I also remembered him saying that it's the warriors challenge to get into this sea without getting dissolved, e.g. dying. At this point i understood the Game we are all involved in, the game where the challenge is to survive, no matter what. The sad thing is, that average person is not aware of this game and who does not play it, is doomed to loose, but one's who do, might be destined for a fate worse then death. The Game appeared to me as a rather awesome and ridiculous thing to play, since it's the most severe form of gambling where one bets his life.
I remembered that doing things that are familiar to this world helps perception to focus back on everyday world. I started eating "human food", tried reading some news and listened some music and although it was quite difficult i managed to get into my normal consciousness and avoided clinic for another day :smile:

) Usually when person ingests mushrooms, he's aware of the fact he's going on a trip and it's going to be over when effects wear off. The truth is, one always comes back from the trip only because of the lack of energy one needs to stay there. Control of that energy is a different question though. I knew psilocybin was out from my brain by that point, yet i also knew that the nature of perception allows me stay in that state for as long as my control allows.
Only during my second trip alone, three weeks later i understood what was really killing me. It was what don Juan refereed to as "Eagle" - the source of everything, the same thing that created the rules of the game, the same thing that holds these "particles of perception" together. Although i read these lines many times before, they became quite a shocker after these experiences:
"The Eagle is devouring the awareness of all the creatures that, alive on earth a moment before and now dead, have floated to the Eagle's beak, like a ceaseless swarm of fireflies, to meet their owner, their reason for having had life. The Eagle disentangles these tiny flames, lays them flat, as a tanner stretches out a hide, and then consumes them; for awareness is the Eagle's food."
I felt this process and I have to say it was the most agonizing experience in my life, possibly because it was about to become my last.

"There is nothing gorgeous or peaceful about death," he said. Because the real terror begins upon dying. With that incalculable force you felt in there, the Eagle will squeeze out of you every flicker of awareness you have ever had."
No shit Sherlock.

"He told us that the key to withstanding the Eagle's presence was the potency of one's intent."
Mine is technically dead meat :smile:

It is beyond me how could one know such things, and it is rather amazing that such books exist, because ideas that are expressed there are not easily reachable and could not be acquainted over one generation which makes me to believe that what happened to Castaneda did happen, and don Juan truly was the representative of the line of Toltec sorcerers, which is really mind boggling.

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