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Unfolding Nature Shop: Unfolding Nature: Being in the Implicate Order

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I'm really confused with my love/sex life
    #5572043 -

So I guess I have two issues that I am trying to understand. To started dating a girl a couple weeks ago. I find her to be fairly attractive, very cute and endearing, intelligent and we share alot of ideas and interests. However, I had another potential relationship a few weeks back with someone who aside from being really plump shared many of those qualities. The reason I am now seeing the former girl is that things just happened with us and we had an easy time being physicaly affectionate, something that neither of us are used to doing.

My first dilema is that this girl seems to like me alot and she is really afraid of being hurt if our relationship is temporary, or if things go too far and I decide I really don't like her. The problem is that I'm not sure if I like her that much or not. She is the first woman I have ever been with and so I have no solid feelings of love to compare this to. I think I want the relationship to develop, but I don't really have enough experience to know what I want. I do know I like her quite a bit, but I have a little apprehension. Sometimes even though ever thing seems to be right physically and intellectual some little thing in between just doesn't seem to click. Does this mean automatically that I really don't like her, or is it something that will just go away in time? Or maybe it's just my fear of change having never had a significant person in my life?

The second issue is a compound issue with the first. We have had sex a couple times but to my astonishment it would seem that I am able to get her off pretty well, but I can't come or even keep it up for that matter. In fact even though she has had a long-term boyfreind I was the first person to give her a real orgasm because she was too afraid and stopped before. I had never had sex before and I always assumed I would be horny and ready all the time. I like pleasuring her immensly, but my own physiology just isn't working. I had figured it would happen the other way around, and even went as far as getting desensitizing condoms (which were quickly discarded) believing I wouldn't be able to last.

Could I have a medical problem, am I just not turned on by the girl (even though I think I am) or is it just the pressure to perform that makes it impossible like the watched pot that never boils? At first I wondered if it was physiological since lately it hasn't been too erect when masturbating over the past few months, but then I would get real hard at innapopriate times when we were out on dates. That also confuses me on the count of not finding her attractive. However, she has insisted on keeping it dark or even wearing a shirt because she has felt insecure about her body. Is a lack of visual stimulation or her acting physicaly sexy that big of a deal that it might be responsible? Could it be stress or expectation? I honestly thought that this kind of thing could only happen once you got really old.

These aren't questions I can easily answer on my own because I just don't have the experience to draw from. Has anything like this happend to anyone before?


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1. "After an hour I wasn't feeling anything so I decided to take another..."
2. "We were feeling pretty good so we decided to smoke a few bowls..."
3. "I had to be real quiet because my parents were asleep upstairs..."

Edited by Divided_Sky (10/18/06 04:42 PM)

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Re: I'm really confused with my love/sex life [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #5572353 -

heh, sounds just like my first 'relationship'.
as far as not being able to keep it up, youre probably just thinking too much. same thing happened to me, dont worry about it.

"The penis does not obey the order of its master,and must be said to have its own mind."
-Dali (i think...)


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"Outside of a dog a book is a man's friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read"
-Groucho Marx

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Re: I'm really confused with my love/sex life [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #5572514 -

sounds like certain things turn you on. You might need to tap into them. This girl sounds pretty cool, i would keep her for the time being.

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Re: I'm really confused with my love/sex life [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #5573299 -

Get her to turn the light on, trust me!


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Re: I'm really confused with my love/sex life [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #5573430 -

Sexual activity can be weird.  Sometimes I am up for sex no matter what.  A girl that I have never seen before could walk in off of the street and I could perform with no problem.  However, there are other times when the mood has to be right.  Sometimes "the stars just don't align" and I can't get off or I don't really get into it.

My first sexual experiences were kind of awkward.  One part of me was like, "YES!!  I'm having sex!" but another part of me was kind of nervous and too busy thinking about what to do.  The best sex is when you just let go, don't think too much, have no inhibitions, and stuff just happens.

I have a feeling that you will become more comfortable around this girl.  As that happens, the inherent nervousness that shy people have about being intimate with a new person should go away.  Also, I noticed that once I had my first real relationship that I was more comfortable around women in general.

So, don't sweat it.  Just go with the flow.  If you enjoy her company then that's great.  Let stuff happen naturally.


We have had sex a couple times but to my astonishment it seems that I am able to get her off ALOT

:lol:  Congratulations.

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Re: I'm really confused with my love/sex life [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #5573456 -

don't worry if some things don't click, it is still early in the relationship. if you really like her like you appear then just go with the flow unless it is too much for you to handle, but it sounds like things are going well other then these minor things.

as for the sex relax, don't worry if you are not cumming just take pleasure in the fact that you are hooking her up. since it is fairly new to you a lot could just be in your head and getting all worked up to a stud when you should just relax, let go, and enjoy. if that doesn't work out then see a doc.


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Re: I'm really confused with my love/sex life [Re: ReposadoXochipilli]
    #5573659 -

hmmm dude I don't have much experience aside from knowing that the right girl.... you can merge minds with her.... if you are spiritually developed enough, or if she is....

not that I'm saying this should be your criteria.... but what I do suggest is that perhaps you two sit down on the floor in a comfortable meditational sitting position..... and stare into each others eyes, saying NOTHING for a long long long period of time.

something should definitely click, but it's all about who she is and who you are..... maybe this is the best it will click? Like for example a very spiritual upper chakra oriented person may be drawn to a simpler grounded and sexual girl that doesn't have a lot of spaciness going on in her head at all.......

and that's fine because they give each other what they are lacking..... but maybe the attributes that you two have don't really mesh properly?

and for sex.

I am a virgin.

But don't masturbate at all...... anymore...... to get your sensitivity down. You should be waking up in the morning with fierce boners..... but don't wank.

Try and do energy exchange... do you know what I mean by that? Do you have a regular sense of chi/prana/energy? Maybe you are giving all your energy to her and she is not giving any back to you? If you don't have a sense of energy then that doesn't really help.

The only other option is stay monogamous for 6 months, then go get tested for STDs and HIV, and if you are both clean don't use a condom anymore (those things are beastly evil inventions..... as far as I can tell.... but completely necessary sadly!) and have her get on birth control.... that should help. The six month window is because it can take that long for HIV to develop if it's in your system already.

And the only other thing I could think is try oral sex or have her give you a handjob or something..... so that you get an orgasm some point during the night and so does she...

maybe masturbate yourself to the point of near orgasm and then start having sex with her, or have her go down on you to the point of near orgasm and then start having sex with her.

just communicate...... tell her you aren't getting off like you want and have her try to figure out what is good for you.

and of course definitely use that protection until you guys are together a long time and get screened for disease. but that could be the problem right there.

you're gonna have to learn to get yourself off not by so much physical sensation but more by mental, which is why a masturbation break could help.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

Edited by leery11 (04/30/06 10:50 AM)

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Re: I'm really confused with my love/sex life [Re: leery11]
    #5574035 -

im sure that nothing is wrong with you, sometimes you just loose the wood. or cant seem to find it. alot of it i would imagine has to deal with anxiety or other emotions.

watch some porn togeather, or do somthing mutually erotic togeather, lick whip cream off of her tits or somtihng equally as arousing, it cant hurt!


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PEACE

:mushroom2:zippoz:mushroom2:



"in times of widespread chaos and confusion, it has been the duty of more advanced human beings - artists, scientists, clowns, and philosophers - to create order. In such times as ours however, when there is too much order, too much m management, too much programming and control, it becomes the duty of superior men and women and women to fling their favorite monkey wrenches into the machinery. To relieve the repression of the human spirit, they must sow doubt and disruption"

"People do it every day, they talk to themselves ... they see themselves as they'd like to be, they don't have the courage you have, to just run with it."

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Re: I'm really confused with my love/sex life [Re: ZippoZ]
    #5574702 -

zippoz said:
lick whip cream off of her tits or somtihng equally as arousing, it cant hurt!


:lol:

I've met Divided_Sky in real life and I just could not see him doing something like that.  Maybe I'm wrong though.

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Re: I'm really confused with my love/sex life [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #5574763 -

I have since concluded that it just got going to early in the night and combined with the pressure of something happening it gave up before I needed it. I didn't realized that he had probobly jumped the gun by a couple of hours.

We actually decided to stop having sex (which has been very difficult) because it is making things too intense. In fact the whole situation is out of control. On 3 occasions we have spent beyond 12 hours together, which has involved her ditching classes and me calling in sick for work. Things have been oscillating between stellar and tragic mainly because we are so afraid that things won't work out, and that maybe I don't like her as much as I think I do or that I am too emotionaly intense for her.

Now I am so concerned that I will self-sabotage. I just can't stop thinking and it gets me into trouble. I don't let things be when I should. I probobly should have kept seeing other girls so this thing wouldn't get so dramatic. I am afraid of losing what we have, but at the same time I'm not sure I really want it. That isn't fair to her. Sometimes I just get so hung up on something that I let it really screw things up. I need to shut my mouth because I overtalk and overanalyze.

We are now really trying to chill things out, only see each other 1 to 2 times a week and only do formal activities in public places. I really hope things don't fall apart though they could easily have already.


--------------------
1. "After an hour I wasn't feeling anything so I decided to take another..."
2. "We were feeling pretty good so we decided to smoke a few bowls..."
3. "I had to be real quiet because my parents were asleep upstairs..."

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Re: I'm really confused with my love/sex life [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #5574822 -

chill. out.

It sounds like you both aggravate each others' neurotic tendencies.

Stop worrying about what might happen and just let shit happen. Either way, regardless of what DOES happen, you will be better for it.



Let chaos create your harmony, don't force harmony on chaos. It never works.


--------------------
"And we, inhabitants of the great coral of the Cosmos, believe the atom (which still we cannot see) to be full matter, whereas, it too, like everything else, is but an embroidery of voids in the Void, and we give the name of being, dense and even eternal, to that dance of inconsistencies, that infinite extension that is identified with absolute Nothingness and that spins from its own non-being the illusion of everything."

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Re: I'm really confused with my love/sex life [Re: DirtMcgirt]
    #5575294 -

Man, I hope you're right.

I thought my life was so well balanced and under control, but in truth I had never dealt with this kind of emotional intensity. Things NEED to slow down A LOT, like they should have a while ago. She is a great person and means alot to me, even if I don't know if I really want to be in a steady relationship.


--------------------
1. "After an hour I wasn't feeling anything so I decided to take another..."
2. "We were feeling pretty good so we decided to smoke a few bowls..."
3. "I had to be real quiet because my parents were asleep upstairs..."

Edited by Divided_Sky (04/30/06 08:52 PM)

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Re: I'm really confused with my love/sex life [Re: DirtMcgirt]
    #5575337 -

Quote:
chill. out.



i think this is the best advice right now...chill....out....


--------------------
"Outside of a dog a book is a man's friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read"
-Groucho Marx

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Re: I'm really confused with my love/sex life [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #5576510 -

when I had a girlfreind a while back, i too had trouble getting a hard on and when i did it would usually go down after a whileI i use to really blame myself for this, and it was kinda my fault because i would just overthink the whole thing and think like "oh god what if it goes down?!" and sure enough it would. But since breaking up with her, ive realized that I just actually wasnt that attracted to her in the first place And that she did not have any sex appeal to me whatsoever...u cant force yourself to feel a certain way.

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Re: I'm really confused with my love/sex life [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #5583512 -

Quote:
Things have been oscillating between stellar and tragic mainly because we are so afraid that things won't work out,

I just can't stop thinking and it gets me into trouble.

I am afraid of losing what we have, but at the same time I'm not sure I really want it.



No wonder you can't get off! If you did, you would suddenly be in a relationship!!

Sounds like a commitment thing to me. If you come, you have er, cemented the deal. If she's the only one receiving pleasure then you still have an "out" of this if you choose. "Hey, I never came, so I owe you nothing!"

Plus condoms suck for trying to get off! (For me anyway) Try other skin to skin action without penetration if you both decide you just want to give in and have some fun instead of letting sex turn this into a lifelong commitment. You probably feel a lot of pressure from all the things that she told you about her being able to cum and all. I'd have issues with that too if I was unsure of the fact that I wanted the weight of her eternal happiness on my shoulders......

You getting turned on at inappropriate times (is there such a thing?) is telling because it probably happens when the both of you bond naturally and you feel something inside of you that gets your motor running and there's not her mental and emotional stability constantly on your mind like when you get down to the actual act of sex. It seems to me that you've put these things in separate categories when they should actually be all part of one relationship. If it is a relationship that you really want that is.....


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Re: I'm really confused with my love/sex life [Re: VirgilKane]
    #5583923 -

Very interesting.


--------------------
1. "After an hour I wasn't feeling anything so I decided to take another..."
2. "We were feeling pretty good so we decided to smoke a few bowls..."
3. "I had to be real quiet because my parents were asleep upstairs..."

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Re: I'm really confused with my love/sex life [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #5584081 -

Yeah, and no fun either....

Don't ask me how I came to form this opinion of your situation. :tongue:

When it's right on all fronts, all you will think of is cementing the relationship in bed and out.  There won't be a problem....

But, this is just one opinion of many and YMMV.


--------------------
Absense of evidence is not evidence of absense...

"Religion is a defense against a religious experience"
              Carl G. Jung

 
"So really, ordinary reality is a kind of chemical habit, sanctioned by culture, which says it's okay to use certain drugs, eat certain foods, and have certain sexual behaviors. However, when you transcend all this pre-conditioning by returning to the original wisdom of the animal body, then you discover this immense dimension of opportunity. For some people, it is a frightening risk. To me, that's the psychedelic experience."
Terence McKenna

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Unfolding Nature Shop: Unfolding Nature: Being in the Implicate Order

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