it passes.
i'm surprised people are treating you like shit at that age dude, but many if not most go through some test in their lives where they are constantly destroyed by others.
mine was in middle school and gradually waned away until it is now completely nonexistent at age 20.
and yes, you do need something, but it isn't a girlfriend. I will be straight with you, if you're upset and anxious and depressed girls are going to WALK ALL OVER YOU, the odds of you finding one that would be patient enough to nurture the positive parts of your personality into blossom and stick with you and be true to you is slim to none.
and the reason why that is, is because that kind of girl would be very rare, and she would be completely and totally confident and full of love, and would naturally gravitate towards those who are on the same level as herself, not you.
if you go out and find a g/f with your current personality, she is probably going to be about on the same level you are, wholey incomplete, and will do little for you in the long run. but exceptions always exist.
What you need is to get in tune with yourself. I guarantee you that you are NOT an anxious pushover deep down inside, it's just that your will has been battered by people like those who are giving you shit right now.
It's not an easy process man, it's not easy at all. But it is far from hard. All it takes is a desire to improve. If you have that, you are on a constant road uphill, no questions asked.
Do you want to be confident? Do you really, truely, want to be confident? Then embrace that desire. It will manfiest you into who you feel like you need to be. But the solution has NOTHING to do with having a girlfriend.
I've walked that path. I am also 20, and I am also a virgin. And the only experience I ever had with a girl was very traumatic, involved suicide attempts (on my end) and left me bitter, callloused, confused and shattered for a number of years. And we didn't do ANYTHING she wouldn't let me hold her hand or hug her because it could lean to "sinning" and I wasted damn near a thousand dollars on her.
What I did, was I projected all my unhappiness and lack of self-worth into her. I literally CAST all my negativity onto her, thus making her into a savior. She was a direct symbol for everything that was wrong with myself, so because she would not approve me, I basically created a never-ending feedback cycle of constant un-satisfaction.
I programmed myself to not be happy, for happiness to be 100% impossible, unless she approved of me.
Take all of your pain, confusion, and deesires, and place them soley on you. You are here, you are alive, and you are suffering. It is not permanent, NOTHING is permanent. You can use this to make or break yourself, but the only way through is to find peace with how your life is RIGHT NOW. Right absolutely now. Assholes will come and go, but eventually you will stop being an asshole-magnet and learn to stay out of those situations.
Just love yourself. It's all you can do. You're fine just the way you are and in many ways because of your unique situation you have more in your life then people like that ever will.
Just.
Live.
Life is a dream. Wait long enough and whatever you need will come. But you need to truely understand that what you NEED, it's something that you largely already have access to, and what you WANT, what you want is bullshit.
You are never ever ever happy getting things that you want. Do you still play with your childhood toys? Is a game fun after you beat it 10 times? You only need what you need.
Think about it. The only reason you feel like you need a GF is becasue assholes are making fun of you for it and you feel like something is wrong with you because you don't have one. Nothing is wrong with you.
It would be like if I constantly said that I had the best #2 pencil in the world and you were a piece of shit that didn't deserve to live because you didn't own one. And then I got all my friends to agree with me and everyone made fun of you for it. You'd want that pencil and the desire would consume you, but it's just a fucking pencil.
You will find a girl if you set yourself out to find one, but if you go searching for one out of despair and self-loathing, you are better off staying single then finding the kind of girl that would be attracted to your negativity.
You cannot find a TRUE loving and EQUAL relationship, one that transcends individuality and brings two lost souls together, until you connect to your inner self, and find peace, love, and contention with exactly what you have right now.
If you can't love yourself you are never going to be completed by the partial love of an average woman. If you love yourself 15%, it is next to impossible to find someone that will love you 85% , maybe 50% tops.
If you love yourself 100% it doesn't matter whether a girl loves you 100% or 10%, you'll love her just the same and everyone you meet will gradually become a friend.
Just find your will. Find your will to survive, flourish, be happy, and have the life you deserve. People will gradually stop interfering with that image. No decision made out of fear or depression or sadness is a correct decision, aside from the decision to heal.
It's not easy but it's not hard. Remember that you're here and you can't possibly be anywhere else, color with the crayons life has given you and you will 100% make a beautiful painting, even if right now you have fewer crayons than some others.
------------ also what would happen if you just straight up told them just how horrible they were making you feel? I know there is a barrier those types of people set up where they might think "oh he's a pussy" but really if you open yourself up to them, even if they are preying on you, it will open them up to. Just straight up say "look you guys are making me really feel like shit, alright, there are plenty of things wrong with all of us and i don't appreciate this at all" just say it.
Don't be afraid to hide the emotions, if you are deeplpy pained, speak with deep pain. They're human man, what separates you from them is very minor, just dogmas really, they have the dogmas of bullies but it's only skin deep. For real I bet if you did that at least one person would come to your side, maybe even just someone that you didn't know that was overhearing what you said.
or even just go to bed and set your intent really hard to work out every single issue you have with them in your dreams, so you can go through a script in your mind of how to best handle your real life interactions with them. -------------------------------- See, you have a relationship with those guys. You might not feel that way but you do. They like you. Because making fun of you is fun for them. But it may be that they don't even understand that you don't like being made fun of, plenty of groups of guys love to rag on each other and they all really like it, but sometimes a CYCLE gets set up where one becomes completely passive and in turn the rest of the group gets to have the enjoyment of whipping on him, so to speak.
But its a RELATIONSHIP, you have a relationship with them, and as such if you subtly change the way you act to them, they will start changing the way they act toward you. It may even exist in an entirely subtle level that they aren't even aware of..... just .....think about it.
Think about your RELATIONSHIP, because they are attached to you and you are attached to them. Think of how you all could interact without being deconstructive, and bring it out. It requires some contemplation, but if you can visualize harmony with them you can bring it into play. It does not come from stirking them down.
-------------------- I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo! ....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human...... Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!
Edited by leery11 (02/17/06 03:21 PM)
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