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InvisibleInnominate
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Registered: 06/12/05
Posts: 2,134
Where did it all go wrong?
    #4622151 - 09/05/05 01:07 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

This might be a bit hard to understand, but I'm just going to try and write my thoughts as they come.

Maybe it has always been this way. Maybe I always thought I was so popular and everyone loved me but really I was always second. Maybe the people who I thought were my best friends really didn't even like me all that much, it wasn't a mutual feeling. Maybe I'm just seeing this now, how abused I am by my friends. Or maybe it just now started happening. Maybe I left myself open to this because of all the drugs I've been doing. When I'm with a group of friends I can see now that I am always the least liked person. It never used to be that way, I was always a leader, I was never second. Everyone knew me and loved me, but now I am just that person that is there. I am that person in a group of friends that when everyone is having a great time, I say something and there is silence, like, where the hell did that come from? Who told you to speak? Is it because people are jealous of how much I was loved? What is it? All I know is all my old freinds are no longer friends, the only people I know are truly my friends I never see or talk to. They are few, and rare. My girlfriend is here for me 24/7, she helps me out anyway she can, but I don't tell these things to her. I don't even really like her as much as she likes me. She is everything anyone would want in a girlfriend, she does everything for me, anything to make me happy. She supports my drugs habbits, she takes care of me when I'm sick, she gives me gas money when I'm broke, she is beautiful and pleases me sexually in anyway I want. She is wonderful, but maybe that is it. Maybe I have gotten tired of her. I'm 18, I want to explore, I don't want a serious relationship. But if I left her... where would I be? Friendless, no one to fall back on, I would have nothing. I hate my job, I have NO IDEA how the hell I'm going to get into college and study botany like I wanted to. I want to join the military so maybe they can help me out with finaces and stuff, and I won't worry about money, but I do too much drugs, I wouldn't be able to live without drugs for 4 years. And I also want to go on anti-depressents, I hear you have to wait at least a year AFTER you stop taking them to join the military. I seem to make stupid comments that no one finds funny anymore, I used to make everyone laugh. The friends I had that were TRUE friends I took advantage of, and now they are out of my life. I have horrible headaches 24/7, songs make me cry, I spend most of my free days on the computer looking up diffrent drugs and how to cultivate them, or talking about drugs with people on various forums. I can't sleep at night, when I do sleep I almost always dream about past relationships. I dream about the girls I left because I wanted to have fun, how wodnerful they were and how much I loved them at the time. I dream mostly about the girl I had a very long relationship with, the girl I wanted to marry. I dream about her and I get sad because what goes around comes around. I left other girls to have fun, this girl left me to have fun. The only girl I was willing to marry left me like I left all my other girlfriends. I don't what is going on, but I want it all to stop.


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Offlinestefan
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Registered: 04/11/01
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Re: Where did it all go wrong? [Re: Innominate] * 1
    #4622185 - 09/05/05 01:21 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

paragraphs...


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OfflineJabbawaya

Registered: 07/11/05
Posts: 1,479
Last seen: 3 years, 12 days
Re: Where did it all go wrong? [Re: stefan]
    #4623432 - 09/05/05 07:36 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

It might help to have someone to talk to. There's nothing wrong with seeing a psychiatrist, especially if you find a good one; they can be helpful. It's helped me in the past. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or anything. If nothing else, they can serve as simply someone to talk to who can give you some advice.

Also, please don't join the military. The last thing you want to do is to join the war machine and end up a broken man. Don't do that to yourself. Go to college and study botany. In caps because it's so important:

DO WHAT YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO. YOU ARE CAPABLE OF ANYTHING. NEVER FORGET THAT!

A while ago I was in a similar situation to what you're going through now. Very similar. I didn't have a girlfriend, though; I was utterly alone (or at least I convinced myself of that). It made it very difficult. I felt closed up and convinced myself that I had no one to talk to or be with. I spent most of my summer totally alone (except for family--which was eventually a big help).

I realized that my constant drug use was a large problem (I smoked weed every day--never in big amounts--but always every day, and generally tripped pretty much every week for no reason in a bad set&setting). I started to get extremely introverted and wouldn't talk to anyone, including my family. I started getting all the negative side-effects that overindulging in marijuana can produce: lethargy, introversion, coughing, etc.

Then I decided to take a 2 month break. It's easier than you think. I simply realized "This is it. This is what needs to be done. I need to get my shit together." Remember that weed is NOT physically addictive--one is fully capable of stopping it any time one wants. One of the best decisions I ever made. It taught me all about using things in moderation.

Negative Effects: mild insomnia for 3 nights (after that passed I slept great!), mild headaches for the first week (never even needed Tylenol for it). Positive effects: too many to name! Increased lung capacity, decreased anxiety, increase in energy, clearer voice, no more coughing, no more head rushes, clearer thinking, better decision-making, etc. The list just goes on. Neutral effects: REM-rebound (vivid dreams for a few weeks--totally harmless, and interesting!).

I almost didn't go back to smoking weed at all. Eventually I did, though, and I had no desire to overuse it. The high was so wonderful and blissful that I thought to myself "how could I have abused this?"

That was where I really saw--and it hit me hard and I will never forget--how important taking everything in moderation is. Why would I smoke daily and lose that beautiful high when I can smoke at most once every 2 weeks or so and have no tolerance, appreciating it each time?

Taking drugs out of my life for a while really helped me open up to people again. I realized how dependant I actually was. I started doing more productive things, broke my bad habits, and was more sociable with my family, and what little friends I had left in my life (most people had simply lost interest in me because they felt like I wasn't interested. I was, but I was too introverted at the time to make any proactive effort).

When you convince yourself of anything long enough, you eventually start to believe it. I felt like I had no friends, and I told myself that. I started to believe it. So I shut myself off. One of the worst things I've ever done to myself. I'm so glad I've learned better.

Don't get me wrong, I love drugs. But this whole experience taught me how important--how absolutely essential it is to take everything in moderation. My overuse of drugs and self-induced introversion cost me my entire social life. I'm just now making new friends and trying to mend fences with my old friends. But I had distanced myself so much that no relationship with the friends who were once close to me could ever be the same again. Fortunately I'm leaving for college very soon and I'll have the chance to meet all new people and this and that.

I'm writing all this because maybe overuse of drugs has a lot to do with it for you. Maybe it does. Maybe it doesn't. But that's my story. If it relates to you at all, then take my advice: break old habits and start your life anew, with responsibility and everything in moderation.

Good luck friend.


--------------------


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InvisibleSoularize
insubordinate and churlish
Male

Registered: 02/11/05
Posts: 1,108
Re: Where did it all go wrong? [Re: Innominate]
    #4623541 - 09/05/05 08:06 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

Man i sortof know how that is...i was a bit of a social butterfly in highschool. I just generally jived with practically any person who crossed paths with me. I take that to be one of my gifts. However my current situation the last few years has been different. In fact, just like you I have felt some of those same 'cold shoulder' vibes from the people ive been hanging around with.

Now I sortof wonder in your case, whether these friends of yours really do shrug you and your comments off like you say, or if perhaps its just in your head. Ive made the foolish mistake in my recent past of ASSUMING that a friend or two of mine felt a certain way about me,that they viewed me as less of a friend as i viewed them...well I can assure you that upon me confronting them on the matter and explaining to them how i felt, they were almost IMMEDIATELY astonished that i had even entertained such unrealistic thoughts. They were truly surprised by the fact I had felt 'snubbed' by them. This is really fucking important man...clearing the air with these people when you feel truly confused about the friendship...because like Im telling you, sometimes we as humans make MISTAKES. we're more than capable of wrongly interpreting a situation and its meaning.

These people you hang out with, are any of them kind enough and genuine enough of people, that you could approach them about your concerns?? I dunno man, this can be a tough thing for young adults...finding and keeping truly good friends. Its been a real pain for me lately. I had to completely stop hanging out with some of my "friends" because i just kept feeling like they were egotistical, selfish fucks (not all of them).

But you also say that you took advantage of certain friends you had in high-school...well thats pretty fucked up in itself...Karma is real, if you dont really believe in karma as in the buddhist aspect of it...just think of it this way...karma is basically all of your decisions which you make and which youve made in your past...these decisions make up a part of who you are and who you'll be...the way you decide to treat certain situations and people, if made out of selfishness, can definitely come back to cause you the same pain and suffering which you once inflicted upon those individuals. Yep, in that sense Karma is actually quite simple.

It sounds like you have alot of anxiety/worrying going on in your head (much like i have). I highly suggest talking to a psychiatrist or psychologist about these issues. Even a good friend usually cannot give you the amount of listening and altrauistic help which a Psychologist/Psychiatrist can. You need someone to sit down with and fully listen to what you need to get off your chest.

Good luck, and please, dont be too hard on yourself.

{Peace}


--------------------
The man in the black pajamas, Dude. Worthy fuckin' adversary.



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InvisibleInnominate
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Registered: 06/12/05
Posts: 2,134
Re: Where did it all go wrong? [Re: Soularize]
    #4626280 - 09/06/05 06:22 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

You guys don't know how much your replies mean to me, it makes me feel a lot better that people can relate to me. Yes, I am currently seeking a psych. to talk to. Thanks once again for the responses, like I said it means a lot.


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