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Offlineheadset
Stranger
Registered: 12/02/04
Posts: 874
Last seen: 11 years, 2 months
Mothers OTC problems +
    #4585297 - 08/26/05 10:05 PM (11 years, 6 months ago)

Alright, so this is strange to write... i think ive written it before.

(sorry, very long, the jyst is in bold.)


Anyways, after leaving home and being back for a few weeks.. and seeing my mothers irrational actions, and the way things are going - here goes;

The background: When i was in grade 2 my parents divorced, my mom left my dad without telling him, moved everything out of his house, took me and his last paycheque and wouldnt let him see me or know where i lived (when he practically raised me) Traumatizing and whatever.. ive always heard what a bitch she is from my dad..

K, so i was put into homeschool after grade 3 and in grade 4 practically lived with my mom at college while she got her ESL teaching degree and then we nursed my great grandmother her mothers mother to death.. at which point she finished school and met this dude. Sam. They got married i was best man..

A year and a bit later her mother, my grandmother (a wealthy spunky active awesome women of 53) contracted breast cancer which promptly moved through her body.. Again i was taken out of school and we travelled alot, and nursed her to death (i was in grade 6-7)...

So.. after that, with Sam... we uprooted and moved to Oliver (a small orchard town) because we inherited their property, her father became an isolated alcoholic... and we just got 300,000... Things didnt work out there for work and friends and life...

So we came back home...

So basically here's where the problem begins: We move back home, my mom has just gotten her degree and quits teaching college and it seems she's developed mysterious chronic pain. She cries in her sleep, and aches... but she's still active and loving and fun... and gradually over the next year degraded into a pale frail human being seeing every doctor and specialist under the sun. No diagnosis, she's had surgery and every pain killer... and no diagnosis. Talking to her doctor in private after 2 years of this, he agreed "good things come to those who help themselves."

Its been 5 years.. and she's active in the garden (our yard is amazing) and she'll be out there until midnight sometimes, but she's a total utter bitch to Sam who provides everything, makes meals, does groceries, has sacrificed his social life (and probably made alot of people wonder), does laundry, does ALL the house renovations after she'll randomly rip up the carpet or knock down a fence or order wood flooring materials while he's at work on HIS credit cards...

its ridiculous, she's completely irrational, she has NO friends, She's cut herself off from her father (who is a raging drunk) but said he would pay for her to go get any treatment anywhere in the world, has cut herself off from her family, talks to my dog and these tadpolls in her pond as if they were people, bitches and complains at all the good things in her life and offers made towards her, issue's demands all the time...

She's eating upwards of 10 extra strength tylenol each day, and Benadryl to counteract the allergic reactions (surely delerium inducing amounts!) - she cannot drive and always breaks things. She refuses to cook meals, or go shopping, or even go for coffee or icecream or vacation...

Since ive been back, ive talked with Sam (we're closer than we've ever been.) and he's had it... ( i would too! ).. and its a horrible position to walk out on someone whose needy, but he says things have got to change or he's going to have to leave. She's utterly irrational, unloving and unappreciative and he is ALL she has. he took care of me in my less than friendly highschool days.. and he's awesome. I definately love him like my father.. My mother i have a little more trouble with.

ive argued with her a few times, but its pointless. The conversation goes in circles and she'll say one thing and do another. She doesnt even realize what she's doing, even when you point it out to her. She'll just turn the blame on you.

He's had it. And she's fucked without him. She's a good lookin lady.. I just want her to be healthy, I want her to go out, to have friends, to enjoy life, and for Sam to have a lover...


Anyways, Id like to know... 1st about how to educate her on what these pills are doing to her and emotional strategies to help her help herself.

She's got every financial oppurtunity and ive expressed overly how much shes cared about and all we want is for her to enjoy life again.

She keeps making excuses. She's living in this garden wonderland and no one else is allowed inside her world. She's isolated and her opinions get formed from the TV.. she wont even sleep with Sam. This is horrible for a women with every advantage, who was once educated..

She lives off cigarettes, coffee and OTC pills..

I told her to just get off everything - and she tells me i havent walked a day in her shoes.

Mom - if you can swing a hammer, or carry a plant - you can make dinner, or exercise rational buying and renovation strategies. If you can stand for 8 or 10 hours a day - you can show your husband some affection..

Im scared she's going to loose everything and i sure as hell cant be there for her - its like connection to a brick wall.


In my mind - i think that her body is reacting to her emotional distress of losing her mother, a bond i dont think she ever severed - she was independant but connected at the hip (i see patterns repeating, fuck its scary)

So basically, i think its all in her head, a psychosomatic reaction to her mothers death. And i think she'll make excuses and continue to be in pain until she accepts the fact that she's gone and has to move on.

Anyways, alot to talk about... i hope someone can.. at least talk to me about it.


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Invisiblezorbman
blarrr
Male

Registered: 06/04/04
Posts: 5,952
Re: Mothers OTC problems + [Re: headset]
    #4585581 - 08/26/05 11:41 PM (11 years, 6 months ago)

Ok, you must know your Mom is suffering from mental illness right? Talking to tadpoles? Just face facts there, no use denying it. It doesn't mean its irreversible though.

In a situation like that, a personal confrontation is probably not advisable. She is is hiding the truth from herself, it is too painful to face. I would suggest writing her a letter and share your thoughts pretty much as you've done here. It would take a lot of the emotion out of the situation and give her a chance to regain perspective. Let her read the letter when you're not around.


--------------------
“The crisis takes a much longer time coming than you think, and then it happens much faster than you would have thought.”  -- Rudiger Dornbusch


Edited by zorbman (08/26/05 11:48 PM)


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Offlineheadset
Stranger
Registered: 12/02/04
Posts: 874
Last seen: 11 years, 2 months
Re: Mothers OTC problems + [Re: zorbman]
    #4585875 - 08/27/05 01:10 AM (11 years, 6 months ago)

We've got a very honest relationship and are fairly connected - she's still smart... just cant see outside of her own head. She just see's the tadpoles as... something to put love into, rather than her friends. Maybe she doesnt talk to them conversation wise.., she does personify the dog though.. but we all do kind of. The tadpoles are just, something to watch and provide rocks for and feed..

But i think there is mental illness, but probably not what your thinking.

She's in denile - its forcing her out of it. She's FUCKED if Sam goes, she's gotta get fixxed up and do things... asap. She has no motivation towards that.. she's disillusioned about the real world. We cant DRAG her out...

but its getting close to being abandoned. You'd probably think she was relatively normal if you just stopped by the house as a friend of mine and said hello and had lunch..


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Invisiblezorbman
blarrr
Male

Registered: 06/04/04
Posts: 5,952
Re: Mothers OTC problems + [Re: headset]
    #4585936 - 08/27/05 01:25 AM (11 years, 6 months ago)

I don't doubt I would see her as normal if I stopped by the house, but people are able to put on a front for the outer world, those close to them know better. That perfect garden sounds like a symbol of the front she's putting on. On the outside attractiveness, on the inside chaos.

Just don't do anything to intensify the fear she's already experiencing. I still feel the letter is best way to go- it won't put her on the defensive, but may allow her to confront herself- true healing begins there. You could even say in the letter "we will only communicate through caring letters to each other" to avoid a war mentality- I can clearly see you care for her, you are an ally.


--------------------
“The crisis takes a much longer time coming than you think, and then it happens much faster than you would have thought.”  -- Rudiger Dornbusch


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